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December 24th, 2013 Today I went to the gym here in NY and then went to the corner coffee shop I always frequented after working out. I pulled in and it was no longer a coffee shop. It was a restaurant. I felt a moment of sadness that there wasn’t a cool corner coffee shop around here anymore. Then I promptly drove home to make tea and have a biscuit instead.
My thoughts turned to change. All my life I held tight to every good thing or person I had. So deathly afraid of loss, I tried desperately to try to preserve the precious good I did have. Recently I’ve learned to relax my tight grip. I loosened the tightly clenched fingers and relaxed the white knuckles. Trying to keep anything from changing is futile. All matter is made up of molecules which are constantly moving and bumping into each other. Solid, liquid, or gas the molecules move and change. The whole world and all things in it are constantly moving and changing even if the movement is not visible to the naked eye. Our things tear, wear out, and get old right before our very eyes. All living things are made up of cells. Cells are constantly dying and being replaced in all people, animals, and plants. How silly of us to think that we could ever stop any of this movement and preserve it forever.
Instead of focusing on preserving or not losing these two precious days with our loved ones, let us focus on simply enjoying them. Every year around the family holiday dinner table will be different. Babies will be born and people will pass away. Boyfriends and girlfriends will come and go. Each year will be new and exciting in itself. I have reframed change. I now view it as an adventure. I embrace the anticipation of a road not yet traveled. I await what’s around the bend much the way children await Santa Claus. I no longer beg time to stand still. I anxiously await the new things time will bring me in 2014.
Every year in these last two weeks of the present year ideas for “resolutions” pop up. Last week my workouts pointed out my need to become more focused. My new job pointed out the need to let my writing pattern and my return to Bikram settle and rearrange themselves around my new routine, gently, without force.. Today number three popped up. I feel that in this new year I want to remember to keep my fingers relaxed and let the ebb and flow of life pass through my hands as I feel and enjoy every minute without feeling the weight of sadness of loss. In these last few days of the year I usually repeat the “resolutions” by listing them at the bottom of my posts so I can memorize them as new ones pop up.
What are your thoughts about change as 2014 looms closer? Can you get excited about the unknown? Can you anticipate change with excitement and a sense of adventure? Perhaps your children are grown and are in college. Or maybe you have or are anticipating a new baby. Maybe for the first time your children won’t be home for Xmas and you and your hubby will make new holiday memories. Perhaps people that you loved left this earth this year and that will rearrange your family. Maybe you’re getting married in 2014 and are anticipating building a whole new life. Or maybe you made a decision to move to a new place or take a new job. And the list of changes goes on. Whatever your avenue of “new” may be, tonight, be the child looking forward to tomorrow morning as you anticipate 2014.
And so, as another Xmas eve quietly slips by, let the wonder of change just happen, with relaxed fingers and open hearts and minds, and …I have written.
December 23rd, 2013 In a recent email a friend asked me if I still liked working after four months. Instead of just replying with a quick “Yes! I love it!” I decided to give the question more merit. I thought about it as I worked double shifts this week. A co- worker told me I could give her some of those hours if I wanted to give any away. I replied that I would if I got sick, but I love the people so I wanted to work the hours.
My impromptu answer stuck in my brain. I love this job because I love to teach, but now thinking about it, I do love the people. Even when they come in with a problem I don’t mind it at all because I love to solve problems, but mostly they are just fun and so very interesting. We have a large group of bus drivers who joined through their company and are on “teams” tracking pounds lost, weight lifted, etc. and when they come in they light up my day. One gentleman in particular warms my heart. He’s 82 and reminds me of my father. We have a good time together going through his workout and I so wish my dad had a Koko nearby – he’d really enjoy this unique fitness concept. Another day a really nice man stopped and talked to me on his way out of the club. We talked about books, computers, and his job as a DJ in Provincetown. Yes, this is what I love. It was what I loved about the children in my classroom, too. Engaging them in conversations and listening to what fascinating individuals they are.
I always learn something from the people I interact with everyday. That nice man I mentioned also told me why he joined Koko Fit Club. He was at the doctor’s office for his check-up. She told him to stand up. He placed his hands on the arms of his chair and stood up. She told him to sit back down and stand up again without touching the chair. He couldn’t. It was a shock to him. He joined Koko right away to try to gain back all he had lost in terms of muscle and movement over the decades. That was almost two years ago and now he never uses the arms of a chair to stand up.
Another lady and I were joking about coming in to workout on such a cold morning. I said it was good thing they make this fun. She said it sure beats the alternative. Wow. Sobering. Day after day I have conversations with people about how their lives were changed through what we offer at our club that they couldn’t get at a regular gym. If it wasn’t for Koko, a lot of theses people I talk with would not be able to lead the active, happy lives they do.
Yes, I love my job. Yes, I love to teach. But it’s the people and what they bring in everyday to share with me that really enhances my life. They make me think. They offer a new perspective. They inspire me to keep up my own exercise and self-care. Every single person that crosses our path does so for a reason – leaving a tiny bit of themselves in their wake to make us laugh or smile or think a bit differently.
And so, as another day goes by, after four months I enjoy my job even more than when I started, thanks, Diana Lesire Brandmeyer, for making me think a bit deeper, and… I have written.
This is my friend Melissa doing what I do everyday. We both love our job.
December 20th, 2013 This morning I had a fabulous workout at the Mashpee Koko Fit Club. No – I did not get my perfect workout, but I did lift very close to 7000 pounds for the first time. My friends were all there and it was serene and sunny in the club. After my strength workout, I moved to the mat and began my stretching and yoga moves. I have slowly been adding in the Bikram poses to this part of my workout because my body desperately craves them. I have not been to Bikram for probably two months due to working. My life has taken a sharp left turn with the addition of the new job. You may have noticed fewer posts. Right now I’m not able to live up to my goal of daily writing. I have come to terms with that – and it’s okay. Our lives have to change. Things leave and things enter and then we need a period to pause and rearrange. That’s where I am now. Work and working out have entered and Bikram and daily posting have left – but not completely. I still post. And now I’m adding more and more Bikram poses to the stretching part of my workout. My standing bow is even improving.
Today I did the courageous thing. I added camel. I debated – should I or shouldn’t I? I haven’t done a camel in two months. Can I even do it? I wasn’t worried about getting hurt because my body is totally warmed up from the cardio and strength workout, but form is another matter. I decided to do it and the most amazing thing happened. I have only done camels in the studio and when I bent over backward for three years I have stared at the knot in the paneling of the same blue wall. Imagine my surprise when I entered the back bend to see trees and a gorgeous blue sky against the orange of the Koko awning outside. It struck me. Then I got an idea. I wanted to take a pic of my view from camel. Now, I have sung Happy Birthday in camel and I have held a one and two minute camel, but has anyone ever taken a pic while they were in camel? I was determined to be the first:
Such fun! Then my friend suggested she take a pic of me doing it so you could get a better perspective: (due to the light you can barely see me in front of the window)
Okay, she took quite a few and I swear I did a one minute camel, which is pretty amazing after all these months.
Today I learned you never really lose, leave, or totally let go of things in your life. They were all put there to be a permanent block in your life map. My three years of Bikram training will always be a part of who I am and so will this blog.
And so, as another day goes by, New Year’s Resolution # 2 will be to let both of these things find their place in my new life. Gently. Without force or rules or expectations. And, for the SECOND time today, I have written. (See, it’s already working!)
December 20th, 2013 
Here we are again…Friday so soon! The letter for the A-Z Fun Friday blog hop is V. V is for victory.
I followed the X Factor for many weeks. These two captivated me right from their audition. This was the FIRST time Sierra ever played the piano in front of anyone and he’s so damn cute in that hat! Lol! Their victory last night reminded me to look back over those weeks and realize my own personal victories.
I’m glad they won! This is the song that did it for me – it’s the only song I downloaded the whole season – but now I want more of them.
Say Something Just beautiful!
And so, as another day goes by, there are victories all around us, now, click and enjoy…the 2013 X Factor winners – who really do, in my opinion, have the X Factor…Alex & Sierra…and… I have written.
December 11th, 2013 It’s Fun Friday and time for the A-Z Blog Hop. Do you believe we are at the letter U already? For me, today, U is for “unfocused.
I have worked for Koko Fit Club for over three months now and have trained a lot of people. Within a month of their training a lot of them achieve their first perfect workout, getting 1000/1000 and a pace score of 100%. Over and over I find myself singing their praises while I tell them I’ve worked out there for over one year and still have not achieved my first perfect workout.
It was these conversations that I was thinking about as I started my workout Wednesday morning. I was doing the first few exercises and contemplating why I still haven’t achieved what seems so easy for everyone else, even newbies. I was lifting my ankle up and down, thinking this, watching the pace bar going up and down when ‘click’ went the door. I found myself beginning to hurry the pace bar (which you can’t do) just so I could turn to see who just came into the club. There it dawned on me. During my workout I am unfocused. Everything distracts me. I love doing six things at once (the trait of a kindergarten teacher) so watching the pace bar while monitoring the door and/or even talking to people, kept me from focusing on that perfect workout. I just didn’t care enough to reign myself in and concentrate. My workouts are always nine hundred something out of a thousand. My pacing is never below 95%. That’s good enough, right? Right. Until the next time I find myself telling a new client I STILL have not achieved that perfect workout.
Through Bikram yoga I have gotten quite good at releasing myself from perfection. I lived by “it’s yoga practice, not yoga perfect”. And this was not a bad thing because my perfection addiction was well on its way to OCD and needed to be tamed. I have learned that just being there (yoga or fit club) was enough. I wasn’t home, in the chair. My motto for the last three years has been to “stay outta the chair”. Mission accomplished – but at what price? Do I now use it’s “exercise progress, not exercise perfection” as an excuse to not do something I know I’m capable of doing? Am I capable of doing it?
Wednesday I decided to try. I made up my mind to concentrate only on that pace bar and make note of anything that tried to distract me. 30% of the way done – still a perfect score – the beautiful picture on the big screen TV wanted my attention. 50% of the way through – the reflection of the swirling snowflakes outside onto the TV screen, wanted my attention. 65% of the way through – still a perfect score- the door opened and I oh so wanted to turn around and see who came in. 75% of the way through – STILL a perfect score – a friend walked by and I so wanted to engage in conversation. 90% of the way through – STILL a perfect score – I began thinking I was gonna do this today! 99.9% of the way through I saw myself wearing the Perfect Workout T Shirt you get, when – BLINK – the green line flashed yellow as it slipped out of the blue box. Really? I was on 7 out of my LAST set of 10. Three more pulls of the rope and I had my perfect workout and I blew it. I could not contain my excitement over getting the T Shirt long enough to actually get it. I was distracted from getting a perfect workout by the possibility of getting a perfect workout.
And so, as another day goes by, clearly U stands for Unfocused, I think I see a New Year’s Resolution in the making, and…I have written.
December 8th, 2013 I typed that title, then erased it and typed “All Parents Need To Hear This”, then I erased it again and typed the original. I did that because, although the message is for parents, it is something we could all use in dealing with loved ones. I used to think that not having my children and complete family home for holidays (including Fourth of July in our house) would be the most heartbreaking thing ever. Over the years, as the kids grew and did their best to shake me off their backs and forage lives of their own, I realized my place was to now support, not “do” for them. This meant that if they had another option for their holiday celebrations, my place was not to guilt them into coming home, but to support and encourage them to share their wonderful selves with the new loved ones they have taken into their lives. My first baby is now engaged to be married this summer. This not just considering a mere boyfriend’s family at holiday time. Her fiancé’s parents are now her family just as much as her dad, sister and I are. The call from her before Thanksgiving to tell me she and Steve would be having dinner with his family and would see us later for dessert, was probably a little hard for her to make. I certainly was not going to play the guilt card as I’ve seen so many other parents do to their adult children.
I’m so glad I learned all of this on my own because in today’s Parade in the Sunday newspaper was a wonderful article written by Connie Schultz called “You Won’t Be Home For Christmas?” that certainly would have taught it to me. It was written with a playful air, but the message was serious and clear. I said this was a message for more than just parents because of her statement at the end of the article:
“My new promise to our kids: You’re not responsible for my merry Christmas. No matter when you show up, it’s going to be a holiday in this joint. Every day of the year.”
What wonderful advice for everyone, not just parents. No one, even those we love most, is responsible for our merriment any day of the year. How we spend our days is totally up to us, especially this holiday season. We are free to make choices – even when things don’t go our way – so let’s make happy ones. And when they do show up to spend time with us, let just appreciate and enjoy it.
And so, as another day goes by, even if our loved ones can’t come home for Christmas, we can still make it a merry one. Happy Sunday.
December 7th, 2013 Welcome to this week’s A-Z blog hop. The letter of the week is T, and for me, T is for turkeys.
The wild turkeys have been running rampant on the Cape. It seems like every neighborhood has their own flock and they migrate from yard to yard. I am absolutely amazed when I see them. I stop the car and take photos. I walk along side them and video them. Then, one day they were in my backyard walking around my fire pit. I was in my chair right next to the back door and there they were – three feet tall and parading not ten feet away from me. I jumped up and started the camera. I followed them from the backyard to the front. They crossed the street and walked up to the marsh. I was curious to see what they would do when they reached the water. (It was high tide and the marsh was full.) They turned around and walked back across the street and into my driveway. By this time I was so amazed by the large birds I was outside in the rain on the front porch. Then…suddenly…before I could open my camera…they spread their wings and flew up over my house and landed in the yard of the house behind me. I missed the shot, but the experience left me breathless.
Why? Why am I so amazed by these birds when everyone else here treats this as a commonplace occurrence – like the arrival of the mail? Perhaps it’s my life experience with turkey’s. Growing up, the only turkeys I ever saw were the ones that my grandmother made appear on the dinner table at Thanksgiving and New Years Day. Then when I married, my husband was a turkey hunter and spent many hours in a tree stand without even a siting. I was of the school that live turkey’s are a rarity. I had never seen one and it seems they are very hard to come by. My non-experience with live turkeys growing up would explain my excitement and fascination with them actually walking through my backyard today.
Could it be the same with how others differ from us? When we say they don’t believe as we do or they should do this or that like we do, could it be that they have not had the same life experience we had and we are asking something of them they just don’t have a reference point for? Hmm…instead of faulting them, could we maybe be more tolerant of the life experiences they have had?
And so, as another day goes by, who knew we could learn from turkey’s, and…I have written.
On our road Monday morning as hubby and I were leaving the house…
December 3rd, 2013 Monday I was on the elliptical at fit club, just reaching the end of my cardio program. The manager was there and he laughed and said, “What? Are you tired?” Probably in reaction to the grimace on my face.
I said, “No. This is me embracing discomfort.”
In order to understand my answer you have to be familiar with the program I was doing. Since it came out in October, I have been doing the apocalypse zombie program that was put out for Halloween. I kept doing it because I really like the tabata format of it, but now I think I need that constant reminder the fit coach talks about at the end of the workout. The last two minutes of the program he bumps the resistance to twelve and says in my ear says that when you’re tired and nearing the end is when you have to push through. Here you learn to “embrace discomfort” and it translates over into your daily life.
I was never good at “embracing discomfort”. I don’t like being too cold or too hot or too tired or too hungry, etc. My girls always tease about how I bring the whole house with me on every excision to avoid discomfort at all costs. When this cardio program came out, I figured it’s something I should work on. I had to listen to it enough times so the concept took some root in my brain and begin to appear in everyday life. How am I doing? Well….
On my trip back to the cape last Friday I stopped to get gas without my coat on. It was colder out than I thought, but I was already pumping the gas. I had to stand there and endure the biting wind until the tank was filled. Believe it or not, instead of shivering and mentally cursing and hurrying the experience to be over, I actually thought of what Paul Romeo talks about in that program. I stood still, held the nozzle, and thought about “enduring”. Thinking thoughts on how this will soon be over. I’m not dying. It won’t last forever. The car will be so warm…and…before I knew it, the pump shut off and I was climbing back in the car. So, physically I think I’m moving forward on embracing discomfort.
What about “mental discomfort?” What about those reoccurring thoughts and memories of situations and people you’d rather forget? You know, the ones that creep up on you and take you down; steal your bliss; sap your energy. Maybe a few more weeks of the program will remind me to call it forth when this happens in my head, just as it did at the gas pump. Because, when you stop to think about it, feelings and moods are fleeting. They do not last just as the cold at the gas pump didn’t last. Thinking back on every time I slipped into a slump, overnight or over a few hours, the feeling would dissipate or the mood would change and I would end up chiding myself for giving it so much credence.
And so, as another day goes by, I guess I’ll do that zombie program until the winter cardio comes out, and…I have written.
December 1st, 2013 Once again it’s time for the A-Z blog hop. This week’s letter is S. There are a ton of words that begin with the letter S, but the most important one to me is “stillness”. In a four year struggle over love, loss, and letting go, being still inside is the most valuable lesson I have ever learned to battle fear and anxiety. I remember my first experience with stillness. I was sitting home, alone and the inner anxiety was so bad I couldn’t stop crying, thinking or shaking. When I get in these situations, I pray. That day I sat very still in the recliner. I covered myself with a blanket. I placed my hands at my sides, closed my eyes and prayed, “Dear lord, just make me a vehicle for your spirit.” That one simple prayer released me from the prison of fear and anxiety. Just the thought that I didn’t have to DO anything but sit there and be still and let The Lord take over everything, gave me peace as I had never, ever known it.
Today, four years later, that same peace still lives inside me. It takes reminding and cultivation, but it is still there. The way I keep my “stillness” intact is by doing thirty minute meditations at least three to four times a week. Silent Journey is the meditation series I use. Just yesterday I was reminded “that no matter how noisy and confusing the outside world is, inside I am still.” That one thought relaxed every muscle in my body. I love that this series doesn’t choose your God or Higher Power for you. For me, within ten minutes the voice and music put me in an intimate audience with my lord. He and I sit in quiet communion, face to face, almost like having a cup do coffee across the table from a close friend. Here my mind lays out my fears and worries and he very gently and kindly eases them. That feeling that I don’t have to do anything on this earth except be a vehicle for his spirit that I experienced that day four years ago, settles in around me again.
Whether you have a higher power or not, are a praying Christian, a devout Catholic, or are just wallowing around all by yourself looking for peace and calm, get the free mediation from Silent Journey and use it everyday for a week. I saw such a huge change in the way I feel everyday, I purchased the series and put them on my phone so I can use them anywhere. This past week I missed about four days in a row and saw a definite decline in how I felt. I missed the prayer time with my lord and had a touch of anxiety upon awakening that I haven’t felt in awhile now. That scared me. I don’t want to go back to waking up like that anymore. I quickly resumed my regular meditation practice and all is good again.
This world can seep into our soul and wear us down. We need a place to go in our mind where we can set the baggage down for a bit. If you never met God, here is a great place to meet Him on your own terms, without fear. Get the free session, sit in a chair all warm and comfortable, turn it on and see where it takes you. If any of you try this, I would be interested in hearing about your experience.
And so, as another day goes by, the letter S leads me to stillness, and…I have written.
November 28th, 2013 You know that commercial where they show the apple and the child says, “Do you want to debate why an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Or do you simply want to take a bite?” I love message of this commercial – stop overthinking, and simply appreciate.
That is how I feel today. I have an over abundance of people and things in my life I am eternally thankful for, not just today, but everyday. Instead of listing them and expounding about my feelings, I just want to sit and simply appreciate them.
And so, as yet another Thanksgiving Day goes by, let us sit among those we love and simply appreciate them, Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, and…I have written.
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