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July 14th, 2013 This morning I received a timely text from my brother that made me think a bit. He asked me about going gluten-free, is it hard? Is it a good thing to do? I impulsively answered him because at the time I was headed to fit club, feeling very fatigued, bloated, fat, etc. from the week of travel, food and drink, and no exercise. I was on my way to alleviate these feelings and his gluten question seemed timely. I told him it’s not hard, since most foods are clearly labeled, and I was thinking it might make me feel better, too.
I wanted to find out more, now, just out of curiosity. I knew gluten had something to do with wheat, but I wasn’t sure what. I read a few articles that went into celiac’s disease in depth. But that wasn’t what I was looking for. I knew neither my brother nor I had celiac’s. Then I came upon a CNN report that concerned itself more with people who do not have celiac’s disease, but may have a sensitivity to gluten. Sure enough. The symptoms they described plague me – a lot- but not all the time. I looked closely at what I was ingesting when I had these symptoms. They were times of extreme bread eating and/or alcohol consumption. It all fit with the info in the article.
The solution was to eliminate all gluten for a few weeks, note how you feel, then slowly introduce it back in and take note of when symptoms appear again. That’s your tolerance level. Generally people with a sensitivity to gluten do not have to omit it completely.
And so, as another day goes by, it’s bye-bye bread for now, heightened awareness of what foods contain gluten, and careful attention to how it affects me, and…I have written.
CNN Article
It’s worth checking out to see if you experience any of the symptoms mentioned in the article.

July 13th, 2013 Hmmm…maybe not.
Yesterday my daughter accidentally knocked her beer over and it splashed on my “lounging suit” ( a hot orange Gap creation that is now a family joke and fodder for another blog) – anyway I wasn’t happy and I showed it. Then a few hours ago my other daughter accidentally knocked a soda off the table in the family room – it went under the couch and chairs and necessitated furniture being moved to clean it, etc. Again I showed my displeasure. About an hour ago I went to settle in the garage with my husband and over the course of the last few days someone had changed my radio station, which wouldn’t be a problem except the number display is broken and I have to go out and listen to the radio in my car and then come back and try to find the same song on the dial. Again, I displayed my annoyance to my husband.
It’s instances like these that I have spent the last three years changing myself to become complacent over. I would suppress my irritation. I treated it as punishment for the losses I’ve suffered. Then, lately, reverting back to my old self, I noticed a huge change in energy. I was infused with my old energy. I haven’t been tired or wanted a nap in weeks. Little did I know that suppressing my feelings was zapping my energy. It took a huge amount of energy to be calm and complacent in the face of irritation.
We all have our pet peeves. We all have things that annoy and irritate us. To try to shut them down is changing a vital part of who we are. Letting the annoyance be known, but temper the temper, seems to be a much better way to handle it than shutting down completely.
This week I discovered that my irritations and annoyances are a part of my energy source. To shut them down, not react at all, and be complacent, uses up that valuable energy that I so sorely need. Who knew? Even our not so great moments revive us.
And so, as another day goes by, I get closer and closer to who I used to be, I find it’s not a good idea to go against the grain and change that, the people I love have always loved me for who I am, and…I have written.

July 12th, 2013 Coming home and coming down from the emotional roller coaster of the last few days provides perspective. The pastor that my brother had to preside over his wife’s wake was amazing. I never attended a service so personal and inspiring as this one. He eulogized my sister-in-law’s life and presented her exactly as the person we all knew and loved.
During the eulogy he said something that certainly grabbed my attention. He said we don’t always understand why God does something that causes us such pain. He said maybe He wanted to get Sharon’s attention and maybe that of her family. I sat up straighter and listened closer because over the last nine months I’ve watched my brother and his wife draw closer and closer to God. They began to rely on Him more and more everyday. They began to develop a more personal relationship with Him. He got their attention.
Everyone’s birth is for a reason. Everyone’s death has meaning. The life we’re given in between is meant to be a testimony to God, dedicated to helping others. When we stray too far from what we were put on this Earth to do, God finds a way to grab us by the shirt collar and bring us back to Him. He gets our attention. Sometimes it’s through the passing of a loved one. Sometimes it through the loss of a job or a divorce or an addictive child.
Make no mistake – if God wants you, He’ll get your attention. He wants us totally dependent on Him, not on people or things of this Earth. I, for one, will continue to walk close to Him daily and depend on Him for every little thing from finding my cell phone charger to balancing my checkbook. God doesn’t want us to wait for times of extreme duress to come to Him, fallen and crying on our knees. He wants us to talk to Him daily, all day, for even the tiniest matters in our days.
And so, as another day goes by, learning from sister-in-law’s life and passing, I think it’s just wiser to go to God and not give Him a reason to come looking for me, and…I have written.
My prayer I say daily, without fail. Try it. It will change your life from whatever it is now, to take you places you’ve never imagined you’d go…

July 11th, 2013 Tonight as I sit and peruse the photos of my brother’s wife, I cannot see the justice of this tragedy. At 15 she was the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen and only now, some 40 years later, can I see why my brother fell in love with her.
Back when that happened, I was 20 and fighting my way through a Christian college, where I was not yet a Christian, and trying to deal with my own relationship that also, like my brother, turned into the love of my life.
I cannot believe how self-absorbed I was in my own life to completely have missed what my brother saw in my sister-in-law. Tonight, sitting in the first row at the funeral home, I couldn’t stop staring at the photo my brother had framed and put next to the urn. It was Sharon, at 15, sitting on a tree stump in the woods at a local park. She was gorgeous. This photo could’ve been a magazine cover. Where was I when she was this beautiful? I was caught up in my own life. I was away at college fighting my own demons. My husband was there, at home, shuffling my brother and Sharon about town because they weren’t old enough to drive. I missed this part of the beautiful person my brother married.
This whole experience tonight taught me to pay attention to the present and to come out of my world and see what’s important to my loved ones. Back then, my world revolved around me. I have a life and my sister-in-law doesn’t anymore. I have two children who are just beginning their adult life paths. So does she. She won’t be there to see them through it. It’s not fair, but through her passing she teaches those of us left here with families to enjoy every moment we have with them.
Don’t take your life or your children for granted. Focus. See them and their future spouses and families for what they are. Participate and enjoy them. If ever I found out how true the statement “life is short” is, it was tonight, looking at those photos of life eons ago. I just brushed my teeth thinking, Sharon dead? It can’t be. I thought the four of us couples, my sister and two brothers and their spouses, would grow old together. How is it that Sharon is gone?
And so, as another day goes by, this life we are given is so precious, it’s just not just that she be taken so soon, and…I have written.

July 9th, 2013 Today my brother is celebrating his 36th wedding anniversary. His beloved wife is being cremated today. It doesn’t seem fair. It’s bad enough to lose your spouse three days before your anniversary, but having her cremated on that day seems a bit much for God to give anyone to bear.
Yet bear it, he must. And he is. His wife fought the hard fight and was braver than anyone I’ve ever seen face the big C. But now my brother is the one being strong and brave. It’s difficult for him to think about ever being happy again. He knows the first time something good crosses his path, he is going to feel guilty about ever enjoying anything on this earth again.
People want to rush in and tell him it will eventually be okay, but I so understand what he means. It’s something I struggled with the entire time of his wife’s illness. I had trouble being happy for the good things in my life, while thinking of what their days were like. I thought it was going to continue to be a fight for me, just as it is for him.
Then, driving to yoga this morning in tears, the aha moment came down from God. When people ask me how my husband and I stayed together – on Friday it will be 38 years for us – I always say it’s because we always put each other’s happiness before our own. 38 years of always wanting to have him happy right along with me, forms a deep habit.
This is a testament to my brother’s marriage. He will feel guilty when it’s time to be happy again, out of a beautiful habit of always going to great lengths to make his wife happy. Therefore when the first good time comes along in the future, it will seem wrong for him to smile and participate. But it will only seem wrong. It won’t be wrong to do so. Eventually he will realize the guilt is a product of him always wanting the best for his wife and it’s okay to smile and participate in life again, knowing she is in a pain-free place and at peace.
My brothers and sister and I are all cut from the same cloth. We don’t have a mean bone in our bodies and we want everyone we’re close to to have the same kind of wonderful lives we’ve been given. When tragedy strikes among us, the kind we can’t fix, it’s hard to jump around and clap for our own good fortunes, while one of us is hurting so bad. But we have to.
My first born got engaged a little over a week ago, during this hard time. I had to let myself feel the joy and happiness in her life, despite my brothers difficult days. I pray that slowly, over time, my brother will reach that place where joy can warm his heart again, free of guilt.
And so, as another day goes by, guilt over being happy in the wake of this tragedy just shows what a loving husband and father he has been for 36 years, it just SEEMS wrong to be happy again, but it isn’t, and…I have written.
Photo: (courtesy of Kim Auriema)
1975 – senior skip weekend – I used to think she had the most beautiful long brown hair I’d ever seen. RIP my dear Sharon…

July 7th, 2013 When loss or tragedy smashes into our world, we have two choices – we can either grow old, or grow new. Growing old gives into the tragedy. It lets loss of another steal whatever life we have left. It invites serious depression, often requiring help to overcome it. It makes you way old way, way before your time, because it takes a physical toll, too.
Growing new is scary. It means different things for different people and different situations. One thing it means for all of us, though, is that it means moving forward. Growing new isn’t easy. You make the choice, but it’s a journey. People tell you it gets easier and one day you’ll be okay. That’s all fine, well, and good, but what about the days until that time comes? How do you make it until it’s “easier” or you are “okay”? Here are some tips for growing new:
1.The first few weeks start each day by asking God for strength for simply getting thru the day.
2. Talk and talk and talk to people about it until you have no voice left. When i went through my growing new period, I was on anyone who’d listen like white on rice. They don’t have to answer you or give you advice. Find people who will just let you talk. By talking, you figure it out for yourself. Many people did that for me and it was the main factor in my healing.
3. Finally, the words to a song I still sing in my mind in yoga when I stare at the ceiling in savasana were a big help, daily:
“I lift my eyes to the maker of the mountains I can’t climb.
I lift my eyes to calmer of the oceans raging wild.
I lift my eyes to healer of the pain I hold inside…I lift my eyes..I lift my eyes, to You.”
When I had no words to pray and hurt so bad I thought my chest would burst – that song taught me to simply “lift my eyes”. I’d just look up and picture clouds and God and my mom and I’d immediately feel some peace.
So choose today, not to grow old, just to grow new. It’s a process. It’s a journey leading to that day people tell you will one day come. It changes you inside.
And so, as another day goes by, I will always lift my eyes and grow new, and…I have written.

July 6th, 2013 On these vacations mornings I’m always the first and only one awake at 7 am. I leave my husband sleeping, daughter and friend buried upstairs, oblivious to noise, due to the air conditioner, and my niece and her friend sprawled across the pull-out bed in the kitchen/living room. I make my breakfast and settle into the my office, the only room not holding sleeping bodies.
Today glanced down at my Bible. I picked it up and it fell open to a bookmarked page. The verse was
All things good and perfect come from God. He shines forever, without change or shadow.
Without change or shadow. That part of the verse hung onto a corner of my brain and dangled there until I left for an early beach walk. Only 8 am and the heat was oppressive. I decided to walk the road to Scorton Creek and make my way back walking along the shore in the water. Without change or shadow. I mentally tumbled the words around as my feet slipped and splashed across the stony shoreline. Seaweed was catching around the thong of my sandal, requiring much stopping and cleaning. Now and then a rock would creep in under my foot. I’d have to stop and dislodge it before my sandal floated away. Lots of trouble, but the water was cool and there were my pleasant steps in between. Without change or shadow, despite the difficult steps, the shoreline stretches and remains.
Reaching the road, my steps quickened. The sweat poured into my eyes and stung when it mixed with the sunblock. Not the most comfortable walk, but my house was soon in sight offering relief from the heat.
Soon after arriving home, we received news that my sister-in-law had passed. All things good and perfect come from God. In there somewhere there is comfort. Her road was full of bumps, but she had some beautiful steps in between. Her shoreline was riddled with difficult days, fought bravely. Now the good and perfect is hers, forever, without anymore change or shadow.
And so, as another day goes by, I sit in the shade of my backyard, praying for peace for my brother today, once again marveling how God comes close at just the right moment, and…I have written.

July 5th, 2013 Just serious appreciation for the friends and family here this week around the fire pit. It’s 6 pm and the kids are just migrating back from the beach. The backyard is cool and breezy. Dinner is simmering on the grill. There’s a Skinny Girl Margarita to my right.
Today I didn’t even attempt the beach after the heat down there yesterday. I just sat with friends in my back yard and kept cool. But…
…now, after dinner, oops…I forgot to charge my wine opener and we have to wait a bit.
And so, as another day goes by, always plug in your wine opener, as well as your cell phone, before you go to bed, and…I have written.

July 4th, 2013 Late. At the fire pit. Tough day. No real holiday energy. What do you do in that case? Easy. Find friends.
I came home from a hot and not so comfortable day on the beach. I made coffee to try to reenergize, but to no avail. Friends arrived. Made dinner and drinks and guess what? My energy returned and we had a great night.
And so, as another 4th passes, friends create energy, happy 4th everyone, and …I have written.

July 2nd, 2013 
Today I feel God is silent. I’ve been talking to Him for two days, but I feel He’s busy somewhere else. I was right. Today we just got the news that we’re losing a family member in the next 48 hours. I think God is busy there. There is a husband who needs God’s hand steadying his shoulder as he helps his wife take her last steps from this Earth. There are two sons and their families who need God to help them make peace with losing their mom at such a young age. Then there is my sister-in-law, herself, who needs God to hold out His hand to her as she takes the biggest journey of her life.
I guess these few days God has had His hands full. And it’s not that He isn’t listening to me, too, because for the last 38 weeks I’ve begun my prayer time each day by asking Him to be with my brother and his family as they face my sister-in-law’s demise. God is there. Doing exactly as I asked. I asked Him everyday to bring peace to that family and just be there in their midst, easing their way through something that is far from easy.
And so, as another day goes by, sometimes God’s presence is felt through His silence, and…I have written.
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