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June 20th, 2013 A few posts ago I likened life to a bucket. It can only hold so much. A time will come when things down on the bottom stagnate and you have to take some stuff out to make space for new things. I did that today.
After the post on the Cape Cod Mommies site, my iTeach business is growing. I wasn’t prepared for this. I had to make information documents and organize my teaching materials. I needed an office. Yesterday I listened to a webinar by Jennifer Boykin at Life After Tampons Her words defined exactly what’s been happening to me this week. (If you haven’t subscribed to this site yet, you’re missing some wonderful, inspiring stuff.)
It’s been four years since I set up my writing/music/art/yoga room. Today I attacked it with a vengeance. I found myself taking things off of the walls and shelves and finding these things no longer apply to my life or even who I am today. These things revealed the stagnation in the bottom of my bucket. I rearranged and redecorated according to the very different person I’ve become. I actually felt a shift deep inside as I held these objects and marveled at how that just wasn’t me anymore. I was making space.
I was making physical space. My office is beautiful. It has my workspace and storage for my teaching materials. It has space for art and music and yoga. And, how coincidently, in an impulse buy the other day, I bought a print that just sums up the new me, with new directions. I covered up an old print that no longer applies with this new one.
I’m made mental space. I changed my meditation materials from those of recovery to those of joy and moving forward.
I made relational space. People have been lost along the way these past four years. I learned to let them go. They are where they are supposed to be, doing what they’re supposed to be doing, just like I am.
Making space brings clarity to your world. When you look back at the ghost of who you used to be, how differently you lived your life, how the things you thought you wanted a few years ago are so blatantly different than the things you want today – it’s a good thing. Making space. It’s also called growing. Not growing old. Growing new.
And so, as another day goes by, it’s good to make some space and wait with wonder for the new things that will fill it, and…I have written.
June 19th, 2013  …and living in Sandwich!
Today is my first post as a blogger on the Cape Cod Mommies website! Today’s post can be found at: Cape Cod Mommies
And so, as another day goes by, hurry on over and see what’s going on, and…I have written.
June 18th, 2013 Yoga class tonight was what I describe as a middle ground class. Marvelous Meg was the teacher and had us giggling and singing throughout the class. The room was perfect – open doors and open windows. I was well-prepared with no muscle problems. Yet – I didn’t rock the class. I just floated through with no extreme highs or lows. I bent over in standing separate leg stretch and just eased my forehead slowly toward the floor and thought how this isn’t hard, but it’s not easy today either. My mind was empty – no thoughts racing and wrangling. I wasn’t hot or hurt or tired. I wasn’t counting the poses or the minutes. I wasn’t happy or jubilant. I didn’t feel strong or able. I just was. I did my yoga and went home.
A lot of my days mimic that yoga class. Lately I’ve been tuning in and paying more attention middle ground days. Some of our days we ride a nice high due to something happening. Some of our days we ride a real low due to something happening. Those up and down days are few and far between. What about the rest of our days? We can’t always have the adrenalin pumping. We can’t always be sad or depressed. Those days are the exceptions. What about the middle ground days? The days where we go about our business on an even keel, neither feeling high or low.
I used to have trouble handling these middle ground days. I’d look for something to boost my mood. Maybe I should read some meditative thing. Maybe I should go somewhere. Maybe I should talk to a friend. When I found myself trying to make a good day into something it wasn’t, I knew I had to stop that. Everyday can’t be a red letter day. I had to teach myself to recognize these middle ground days and appreciate the peace that’s found in being neither high or low. My middle ground yoga class was just that tonight – peaceful.
And so, as another day goes by, sometimes negotiating the middle ground is harder than the hurdling the extremes, for me, it’s a learned behavior, and…I have written.
June 17th, 2013 From today’s Cape Cod Times:
East Sandwich- Maureen Brenner summed up in one word her advice to students graduating from The Riverview School on Sunday: yet.
“Sometimes things seem too hard and we can’t do it yet”
Riverview is a private boarding school for children and young adults with complex language, learning and cognitive disabilities. Students attend from across the United States as well as other countries. A friend of mine is a residential counselor there and I interact with the students when I visit the Riverview Cafe, where they work at jobs to prepare for life after graduation. No matter what kind of interaction I have with this school, I come away feeling uplifted and inspired. Whether it’s talking and laughing with the students at the cafe or listening to stories from my friend, the wonderful work this school does and the way it changes these children’s lives shines through. It’s no wonder Brenner’s graduation message caught my attention.
Yet. Only three letters, but a profound word. A word we should all heed as we go about our daily endeavors. Today a friend was telling me about her sleep apnea and how she is having difficulty adapting to the CPAP machine. I told her how my husband went through the same thing. He wanted to throw it out the window by the third day. He couldn’t sleep through even one night – yet. That was a year ago. Today he can’t sleep without it.
Another friend just told me how when she was first diagnosed with Chron’s disease she was convinced her life was over and was afraid to leave house because there’d be no food out there she could eat – yet. And now, one year later, after reading and learning to understand how the disease works in her body, she has resumed normal life.
When I accepted my first illustrating job six months ago, waves of cold sweat came over me. What if I couldn’t do it? In January I couldn’t do it – yet. It took a lot of study and experimentation to figure it all out. I gave myself six months to complete the artwork. Now it’s June and I’m finishing my last illustration, right on time.
That word “yet” is a savior. Often we begin something new with excitement and soon we feel overwhelmed. We begin wondering if we should’ve had our heads examined before accepting difficult tasks or venturing into unknown territory. I can’t do this becomes our mantra. What would happen to our feelings of frustration and helplessness if we modified our mantra to read I can’t do this – yet?
I’m approaching the e-publishing of the book I’m illustrating. The author gave me carte blanche to do it all on Smashwords. As of today the only thing I know about e-publishing is how to read e-books on my Kindle. I downloaded the Style Guide, began reading about formatting, and there it was – I can’t do this. They have people that will do it quickly for a small fee, but I can’t go that route. I want to do it. I want to be good at writing, illustrating, formatting, and uploading e-books. After reading that article in today’s Times, I’m changing my mantra. I can’t do this – yet. Come August, that e-book will be published and I’m going to work on printed copies with my daughter.
And so, as another day goes by, that small word “yet” took a great deal of pressure off of me, boosted my confidence, turned I can’t into I will, and…I have written.
June 16th, 2013 “One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end.”
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
I had a completely different topic to write about today, but I opened my email and that quote snapped up off the screen and swatted me right between the eyes. I thought Oh wow! That is so me! Someone captured my greatest fear in a quote. That is what I’m always afraid of – the known and familiar ending. I’ve never been one to fear the unknown. I’ve always gotten up everyday looking forward to the new things that would come my way. Life was always one big adventure for me, yet there was an anxiety I could never quite figure out hanging behind my shoulder. And now I can. I fear the known coming to an end.
I’m trying to figure out what to do with that. Funny, “letting go” pops up again. My biggest nemesis. I guess life is like a bucket – it only holds holds so much. If you want to constantly refresh what’s in it so it doesn’t stagnate, you have to dump some out so it can be refilled with new paths and adventures.
Lately I’ve been viewing each new day, with problems and joys alike, as a mini adventure. I wake up and ask my higher power what he has in store for me today. Will I meet a new person? Will I be able to help someone have a better day? Will he answer one of my many prayers? Will I learn something new? Will I solve a problem?
And, I guess, if something known and familiar is to leave my life, I can rest assured that it will be replaced by these new adventures I embark upon each day.
And so, as another day goes by, goodbye doesn’t hurt so much when viewed in the context of new adventures in the making, and…I have written.
and …I have written.
June 15th, 2013 Saturday is the end of the week. Time to use my new view of discovering what I give gratitude for today. Remember? I ask myself: What did I do this week to make my life better?
Here’s what I came up with:
1. My wine glass holder sitting here in my plant next to my chair.
2. Turned our new wood fire pit into gas! Yes!
3. Shush kabob holders for grill
4. Super cleaned my house
5. Bug sprayed whole house
A few minutes ago when I rolled the plant closer to my chair and commented on it, my husband said, “It’s the little things, isn’t it, that matter most?”
“Definitely,” I replied.
When it comes to gratitude you will find its the little things that make our lives better everyday. What did you do today to make your life better?
And so, as another day goes by, pull up a chair by my fire, give gratitude for the little things, and …I have written.
June 14th, 2013 We were building a new fire pit in our backyard last week and decided to line the area with clam shells. It was my job to drive to the place where I thought they sold them and get a price. I went to the place and found no one in the office. It was locked with a sign saying you have to drive down to the scale house. (I figured that’s where they weighed the trucks.) I drive my brand new car car down the dirt path with dust billowing all around me. The further down the path I got, the more I was surrounded by huge dump trucks making me feel very small in my little Honda. Soon I realized this wasn’t working and I drove back up to the office. The dump truck drivers smiled and waved like I belonged there. I reached the office and parked. I got out and read all the signs on the doors. Nothing. No one. I got back in the car a bit dejected. I wanted those clamshells. This fire pit was going to happen. Not only was it going to happen, but it WAS going to happen the way I envisioned it in my mind. I looked up and saw a landscaping company right across the road. Maybe they’ll know where I can buy clamshells. I drove over, parked, and went in to make my inquiry. When I asked the young man behind the counter if he knew where I could buy clamshells, he said, “Yes, from me.” Within minutes I had my price and delivery date. Mission accomplished. I figured it out.
This month of June is filled with graduations and moving up ceremonies of all types from pre-school to college and parents across the country are watching one era of their child’s life end and another begin. There’s that fear of sending them off on the bus to kindergarten. The terror of them entering middle or high school. Then there’s the empty house after you’ve deposited them in a college dorm. After college, there’s real life.
At every stage it’s a mothers instinct to just rush in and decide everything for them. Plan their life. Tell them what sports to play, what career path to choose, who to live with, or not. Moms just want to push themselves into their children’s lives by doing all of these things, not to control them. Not to take away their independence. None of that. It’s out of love. A mother always wants to make their child’s world easier and smoother because they love their child so much.
But we moms must hold back. We must provide the opportunity for them to decide for themselves who to befriend, which college to go to, what career path to pursue. Just as I had to figure out how to get those clamshells, they have to figure out life – the little things – on a daily basis. For its the little things that they struggle to figure out, the little choices they make everyday, that, in time, create the big picture. The tapestry of their lives.
And so, as another day goes by, all of you moms moving your children to the next phase of life, all of us moms, parents of adult children, take comfort – they’ll figure it out, and …I have written.
June 13th, 2013 I have always been into what makes me, “me”. I always thought it was important to pay attention to my packaging in order to put myself out into the world in a way that will make a difference. Fashion, color, and glitter – yes, glitter and all things that sparkle – were always high on my list of what made me, me. Hairstyle and fragrance were always carefully crafted to reflect me. My combination of these things made up a person that was (and still is) uniquely me.
Maybe you are like me and constantly revamp your clothes, really care where every strand of hair falls, and are very careful to choose your scent with much care and research into yourself. If so, you have gone out of your way to discover your own Ooh La La!, the title of the newest book by my friend, Jamie Cat Callan.
And maybe you are not like me. Maybe clothes and hair and make-up are of little interest to you. Maybe you are happy with what you see in the mirror before you leave the house, without giving much thought to crafting a style that reflects the very “you” of you. And that’s great – for you, too, have discovered your own place of Ooh la la.
Women who can thrust their hair up into a pony tail and be happy in jeans and a tee shirt get major kudos from me. Their happiness in their own skin, without a whole lot of fine tuning, is a style all itself, telling me they are fearless and not bound by the insecurities that bind me. My ponytail (when I had hair long enough to make one) was always curled and honed and colored and sprayed until it gave off it’s own glittery glow. My tee-shirt would have to be of a certain style – never the kind you by at a concert – you know, the ones that really are in the shape of a “T”? And my jeans? We won’t even go there. The amount of time and the process it takes for me to find and buy the perfect pair of jeans could be a whole separate post. So those of you who can non-chalantly throw your hair up into that pony tail, don your jeans and tee-shirt and show up confident and ready to rock, have my deepest admiration.
Now, what about those of you who are not happy with what you see in the mirror? My friend Jamie Cat Callan has written the perfect guide for American women who see “Oh my God!” instead of “Ooh la la!” when they look in the mirror. The title of the first chapter is “You Had Me at Bonjour”. Under that was a quote by Coco Chanel (whom I have always held in the highest of esteem when it came to finding inner beauty) :
How many cares one loses when one decides not to become something, but to be someone.
Cat Callan definitely had me at bonjour. I didn’t need to read any further to know that this was a book I was going to covet. I am a believer in taking who you are out into the world and live the adventure of who you become. In order to do that, you have to have a vision of who you are. Cat Callan believes French women are born with knack of crafting that vision and we American women can take a lesson or two from them – in fact, each chapter ends with a recap – French Lessons. She spent time interviewing interesting women all over France seeking to find out where they get their Ooh la la from. What is it that sparks that quality that they move about the cafes with, that mesmerizes everyone they meet?
Do you know what it is? It’s so simple it’s laughable that we didn’t know this. In America beauty is thin and twenty. If you don’t have thin and twenty, you don’t have beauty. Yes, sadly, we are a shallow country. Cat Callan shows through the interviews with French women that that is definitely not the case in France. Paying attention to what makes you smile and what moves you goes a long way in establishing a beauty the news media in this country is not familiar with. Read Ooh La La! by Jamie Cat Callan and you too, my friend will find yourself kicking up one heel, doing a little twirl, and uttering an Ooh la la or two when you take that last mirror check before leaving the house (without being required to be thin and twenty).
The prose is light and quick to read, but the meaning cuts deep – deep below some surfaces few of us are willing delve into without a little encouragement. My author friend and blogger, Christine Merser, also read and reviewed Jamie’s book at Christine Merser.com. I urge you to take a look at her review (because she is a professional book and movie reviewer, whereas I am not), and, after listening to both of us, download your copy today and change that “Oh my God!” into “Ooh La La!”.
And so, as another day goes by, you will be surprised to find your Ooh la la is so close at hand, being thin and twenty has nothing to do with it, and…I have written.
June 12th, 2013 Last night in my blog group meeting we were having quite the discussion about editing. Some of us find editing easy. Some of us find it hard. Some of us take longer to edit than it did to write the post. Then we examined certain sentences in our “About Me” sections. We talked about the use of hyphens and commas, among other grammatical things. It was a great meeting. We all felt we learned a lot.
Driving home, I was thinking how I often wished there was a clear, concise, list of things we writers should look for when editing our work, aside from reading a whole book. Then I remembered a blog post by an editor that did an organized job of clearly listing things a writer should consider when editing. I saved the link since February and I’m proud of myself for being able to find it to share with all my writer friends today.
This is a post from The Steve Laube Agency blog. They absolutely have the best posts for writers. They are all editors and agents and tell you like it is from right behind their desks. Check it out:
The Writer As Editor
This is one post, but links to others that came before this one appear on the bottom. Happy editing!
And so, as another day goes by, I’m waiting for my Cape Cod Children’s Writers group to arrive, we will do a little editing of our own tonight, and…I have written.
June 11th, 2013 This morning’s Bikram yoga class was not about starting, it was about stopping. Standing head to knee is still my nemesis pose. “Lock your left leg and reach down and pick up your right foot”, instructs the teacher. I reach down, fall sideways, straighten up, reach down again and this time I grab it. I’m holding on for dear life while the rest of the class is straightening their right leg “so it looks like an “L” like Linda.” (I find it I ironic that my name is part of the dialogue in the pose that I cannot do). I used to be able to do this pose, and most of the time, hold it for the full count. Once my legs began developing actual muscles in Koko Fit Club, just bending over and grabbing my foot in my hands has become nearly impossible.
I fall out of the pose two more times. Maybe I should just sit down because all of this grabbing and falling out in this heat is zapping my energy. While reaching down for my left foot, I’m still picturing myself stopping and sitting down. Stopping sounds good. Sitting sounds wonderful. Then I think about having to get back up. That doesn’t sound so great. (By now we are into the second set and I’m still grabbing, wobbling, and falling out.) I remember how it feels to stand back up and re-enter the pose after sitting for a few moments. Usually I get dizzy and have to sit back down again. I came to the realization that stopping is not the answer. It makes me feel worse and it’s definitely too hard to get back up. It takes a lot more effort than it takes to remain standing and keep trying. (By now the pose is over and I made it through without stopping.)
When I’m illustrating, if I don’t move to the next page for a few days, it becomes hard to get back in the chair and begin the next sketch.
If I’m shoveling clam shells and take a water break on the patio, it becomes hard to push up out of that chair and pick up the shovel again.
If I’m cleaning the house and stop for coffee and a snack, it becomes hard to pick up that vacuum again.
When I was teaching school it was way easier to go to school sick, than to write plans for someone else to teach.
When I did stay home sick for a few days, it was hard to leave that couch, get dressed and get back to work.
Stopping. Maybe in my mind it means a break, but it’s a cruel trick because starting again after stopping is harder than just seeing it through. When I don’t let my mind get the best of me and trick me into limiting myself, I accomplish things I never thought possible.
When have you “stopped” and found it hard to get going again? Do you think you could’ve pushed through?
And so, as another day goes by, I need to rethink stopping as an option when things get too difficult, and…I have written.
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