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May 20th, 2013 It’s only May. 2013 barely has its legs under it and the amount of tragedy we, as a country, have already experienced this year is incomprehensible. I sit here watching yet another town be torn apart with grief. The news reports growing out of the tornado disaster in Oklahoma are growing sadder by the hour.
Tonight this is all I have to offer:
No ocean can hold it back…
“No river can overtake it.
No whirlwind can go faster.
No army can defeat it.
No law can stop it.
No distance can slow it.
No disease can cripple it.
No force on Earth is more powerful or effective than…
The power of prayer.” ~ Unknown
And so, as another day goes by, tonight my prayers are with those in Oklahoma, and …I have written.
Video – taken during Nemo – the storm that ravaged the east coast
May 19th, 2013 Jennifer Boykin from Life After Tampons, got me started on the Soulful Sunday. Today she did a picture post about having a peaceful day at home. I felt it because, I too, am having a peaceful day at home.
This is the first spring where the patio is open and I’m sitting here planning a new fire pit instead of sucking my thumb and drowning in pain. Nothing hurts. I’ve moved on. I LET GO. WhooHoo! Letting go for me was something I understood in my mind, but my heart had no clue. Now my heart is on board.
And so, as another day goes by, it is truly a soulful Sunday, and …I have written.
May 18th, 2013 When someone says don’t get comfortable it usually doesn’t mean good things. It’s usually a warning that if life right now is too good, beware, because it could change at any time. Although I have found this to be true, I have come to believe it’s a positive thing.
We get our energy from dealing with the things that come up in our lives everyday. It’s the tension, like a fine wire pulled taught, between being comfortable and uncomfortable that keeps us moving forward with an even keel. If extreme loss or fear strikes, our lives go spinning out of control and it takes months, even years, to regain that control. On the flip side, if we get too comfortable and nothing is garnering our attention, we slow down. We slow down so much that we become stagnant and eventually all forward movement stops. Complacency sets in. Once complacency sets in it can lead to depression in the form of “What is there to live for?” So comfort is not the goal here.
The goal is to keep the tension taught. Don’t gripe about things that need to be dealt with everyday such as bill paying (usually with not enough money to pay them all), getting the car serviced, running all those errands, etc. It is precisely these things that keep that tension taught. These things keep us thinking and moving. If everything we have to deal with were to suddenly disappear, including having to go to work, we would grind to a slow halt.
Instead of wishing some of these things away, I have learned to feel thankful they are there. Feeling thankful they are there changes my attitude. Changing my attitude about how I approach the problems daily life presents, changes my life. The tension of having to “get up, get out, and go do” everyday keeps up my mood and energy level, and more energy just begets more energy.
And so, as another day goes by, spending most of today at the mall hunting down necessities wasn’t so bad after all, and …I have written.
May 17th, 2013 What’s the risk is a question I should be asking myself more often when fear strikes. One of my greatest fears as a beginning artist is the blank page. Before I even put the pencil to the page thoughts of screwing it up are racing through my brain. I get over it. I put the pencil to the page and just start the sketch. Pretty soon I settle into the drawing exactly like I settle into a piece of writing. It flows and it grows and pretty soon it turns into something I like.
Now with writing, that’s a good thing, because I’m done. With illustrating, it just amps up the fear. I have a beautiful pencil sketch in front of me, tweaked until it’s exactly like the one I pictured in my mind. Now I have to apply color. Oh God, what if I ruin it? What if I overdo something I can’t dial back? What if the color pallet is just wrong? Now, once again in the project, I refuse to begin. Sometimes I actually leave the sketch on the drawing table for days before I’ll touch it.
Then today I came across some helpful advice. Just ask myself what’s the risk? What am I risking if I ruin the sketch? A piece of paper and pennies worth of medium? Can I live with that? Of course I can. The real problem lies with the time it took to do the sketch. I don’t want to do it over.
Ever had a V-8 moment? Why not just scan or copy the sketch before I add the color? Consider my forehead slapped. Such a simple solution to erase a debilitating fear.
Fear plagues us at every turn. Fear of the unknown has stopped bigger women than me. Maybe examining the risk involved can ease the way foreword, but even calculating the risks is a big leap. Nothing is ever for sure, 100%.
And so, as another day goes by, asking what is the risk may open new pathways to action, but the will to push forward is still required and therein lies bravery, and …I have written.
May 16th, 2013 Haha! I’m younger is the second thing I said to my dear friend, Donna, this morning after wishing her a happy 60th birthday. She said I wasn’t far behind her – and I’m not – I turn sixty in August. But that does make me younger, doesn’t it?
My friend is my hero. We met almost three years ago in yoga class and have shared floor space as well as life space ever since. Donna is an amazing person. She’s always there for everyone, no matter what their need is. In my case she didn’t even know my need when we met. I was a pretty sad, broken individual that occupied that neighboring mat every morning. Donna was a life-line without ever knowing it. She taught me not to let other people bring their stuff into my life and destroy it. She showed me how to be compassionate without taking on other people’s woes and sinking right along with them. This is no small skill. Donna taught me how to be a real help to people, not a hindrance.
And positive? If anyone can see the silver linings in life, it’s her. Her reactions to things that happened over the years, both in her life and mine, were examples of focusing always on the good. Many days she shifted my perspective and eased my pain without ever knowing it.
And talk about letting things roll right off your back. The woman is a master. If it weren’t for her I’d still be sitting in the back corner of the yoga room holding my mat and sucking my thumb. She taught me how to stand up and go out there and be who I used to be. Not to let the things happening day to to day that were paralyzing me, cripple me permanently.
There is nothing so hard as recovering from a broken heart. My best picture book I wrote and hope to soon illustrate and publish shows the cracked, broken shards laying on the ground. Donna is the kind of friend who helps you pick those up and stitch your heart back together again.
And last, but not least, don’t let the number sixty scare you if you haven’t reached it yet. Donna goes to both fit club and yoga with me regularly. She has two daughters and a husband and a business to run. She’s always out there lunching with friends and helping people. She is an inspiration to all women who are younger than her. (Including me…lol!)
Yes, Donna dear, you are sixty today, but that’s just a celebration to the gateway of the next thirty years that you will be out there inspiring needy souls like me and helping others have better days. I love you and admire you. You are one of the heroes in my life. May this day be the best for you, and may we both teach our daughters how to turn sixty with the grace and poise such as you have done.
And so, as another day goes by, you know what they say – many people enter your life, but it’s up to you to decide who stays and who goes, my dear Donna you are definitely staying, (because we have to go to your pool this summer 🙂 ) and…I have written.
May 15th, 2013 
On Monday I arrived home from NY to find this lovely package from Cookies By Design gracing my doorstep, a Mother’s Day gift from my Boston daughter, and the Cookie Saga began. Mind you, these are by far the best cookies you have EVER tasted in your entire life, so I was extremely excited. I brought the box in, opened it, took this picture and promptly posted it on Facebook. Then it began. I knew this gift was going to be the constant topic of my self-talk this entire week, just as I knew I’d be writing this post.
It started out subtly on Monday afternoon: I’ll just open one guitar and have the handle with lunch. (So I did)
I won’t touch anymore until after dinner. Time for afternoon coffee. Well, a tiny piece of that guitar will go great with the coffee. Ate half the guitar body. Dinner time: have to have some cookie for dessert – after all, it’s here. Finished off one guitar. Later that night, engrossed in my book, my head snaps up and before I could chastise myself, the second guitar was open and the stem was gone.
Lunchtime Tuesday: I now NEED a piece of cookie for dessert – ate half the guitar body. Afternoon coffee: oops! – by now there is no having coffee without a cookie. (Other half of guitar gone) Dinnertime: Went to yoga and came home and sat down for dinner – I do need dessert. Should I really open that big heart in the front? Half of it was gone before I could even answer myself. Sitting reading after dinner, my mind wandered off the page. That other half a heart was behind me on the counter. No. I’d already had cookies three times today. This was about to negate my doing both fit club and yoga in one day. No. I can’t have it. I bowed down to the page and continued reading. Fifteen minutes went by. I felt myself putting the book down and getting up to get that half a heart. No control. Absolutely no self-control when it comes to these cookies.
Now, here I sit, after lunch on Wednesday, and one half of the Mom You Rock sign is history. The other half is on the counter behind me. Afternoon coffee is approaching soon. I know that other half will be gone. It’s only Wednesday – and look:
Do I have a problem? I think so. I think I’m addicted to sugar. No. There are other things around here with sugar that I could care less about. It’s just these cookies. I absolutely cannot rest until the cookies are gone.
But ya know what? It’s COOKIES! Long after they’re gone I will remember how good they tasted and how happy I was to arrive home to find them waiting for me. I will feel the love from my daughter that came in the basket with the cookies. She wanted me to enjoy every morsel. So…as pathetic as the basket looks now – and mind you, it’s only Wednesday, I’m just going to give in, laugh, and enjoy them til they’re gone.
And so, as another day goes by, sometimes you just have to laugh and say “It’s only cookies”, and…I have written.
(It’s a good thing my other daughter gave me a bracelet.)
May 14th, 2013 It’s been 15 days since I’ve done any yoga or exercise and today was the day to begin again. This morning I went to fit club and the workout was good, but my e-BMI (Body Mass Index) was amazing – after 15 days napping and sitting. It was 29.3. I’ve never fallen below 29.7. I was ecstatic because I thought I’d have to start all over again from 30. I’m inching toward an e-BMI of 24, where I started out three years ago. (I think that will take a full year – I have a lot of body mass to move.) So Fit Club was a positive experience. Now for yoga at 4.30.
I came home and took a nap, ate well, and hydrated. 4:00 I headed for class. You know where my mind was going: This is going to be awful. I won’t be able to bend. I’ll have trouble with the heat, and on and on my mind sprinted from one excuse to the other why this is a bad idea to try to do both things on the first day back.
The room was extra hot. There were over thirty people in class. I sat on my mat with sweat pouring down my face before we even stood up. My earlier worries were being validated. In came my beloved teacher, Meg. She knows my story. She won’t let anything bad happen to me. Pranayama breathing went well, so did half-moon. Then I bent forward and smushed my forehead to my knees in forward bend and it happened. I had to cough. Do you know you can’t cough with your chest pressed against your thighs? No, it just doesn’t work. We unfolded to stand back up and I started coughing. I was so afraid I was disturbing the peace or that people wouldn’t know I was all better and they’d think I was contagious. Second set wasn’t much better. Next came awkward. I regained control. I breathed. I became still. The cough disappeared and the rest of the class was flawless. In savasana I was amazed at how quickly the stillness returned. I spent close to three years on that mat learning stillness and 15 days away proved I actually mastered it when it enveloped me so easily once again.
Walking out, I felt like a million bucks. I should know enough not to listen to the silly things my mind yammers at me. That’s my new spring thing. Shut down the yammering when it isn’t productive.
And so, as another day goes by, sometimes you just have to begin – again, and …I have written.
Fact: you can’t cough in this position.
May 13th, 2013 Today I had planned to drive back to the cape and go to night yoga. Then yesterday an email pops up to change my plans. It’s from a good friend: Gatsby? Tomorrow? 3:30? Just like a distractible child my answer is Yes! Yes! I want to see it! So instead of yoga, here I sit, ready to tell you if Gatsby really is great.
I’ll start at the end. When the movie ended we both just looked at each other and said, “That was brilliant.” It truly was. Gatsby is definitely great. First of all the visual effects steal you away. It’s kind of like watching a 3D movie with no glasses. It’s big. It’s loud. It’s super colorful. It pulsates right off the screen.
The actors: They nailed it with Leonardo. The part begged for a distinctive face that could act. Carey Mulligan scores again. She was a beautiful and moving Daisy. Tobey Maguire was Nick Carraway through and through. I was won, captured and mesmerized by all three.
The feeling you leave with: After being entertained and held spell-bound, it hits you in the end. I sat there thinking this is what happens when you live your whole life for a person. You crash and burn because people are not dependable. They are not forever. They hurt. They leave. And they disappoint. They are not a good basket for all your emotional eggs. Gatsby has always shown me, from when we had to read it in high school, that life must be lived with a being bigger than yourself in mind.
If you’re looking for a great movie night, I highly recommend seeing Gatsby. Also, if you’d like a more in-depth review, go to Movies & Popcorn No Butter and subscribe to the movie blog. The friend I went with writes this blog and gives you the real play by play. She’ll be reviewing this one soon.
And so, as another day goes by, my inner child wins again, I found out Gatsby really is great, and …I have written.
May 12th, 2013 I know Mother’s Day is the day set aside for children to pay tribute to the women in their lives that have functioned in the role of “Mom” and have done much to bring them to where they are today. I have a different feeling on this day since the passing of of my own mom almost three ago. I am the only one left – there is no one “above” me in the family chain to go visit today or by a flower for. Although I silently give thanks to Mom in heaven for all she did for me, my eyes slowly turn to the girls below me in the family hierarchy: my own daughters.
It is upon them I look with love and pride. They were great children. The blessings and joys raising these two far outweigh the tears and years of work. At 27 and 31 they are now my best friends. They care about me as much as I care about them. The biggest thing I am thankful for in my relationship with them is that there are no walls between us. They run to the phone as soon as trouble strikes and I like that. When I don’t hear from them for weeks on end it is that very thing that puts my mind at ease. If they are not contacting me, then all is well in their world.
On the flip side, when we are together face to face they are always checking on how I’m doing or how I feel about the things going on in my life. Even if I don’t bring up my “stuff”, they find a way to get me to talk about it. Sometimes there are hard things going on inside me that I wouldn’t bring up to my kids, but they sense that and get me to talk a bit about it. I know they really want to know because they are concerned that I’m “okay”. And then, if I’m okay, they can go on with their lives.
I’m glad that when their various presents, wishes, texts, visits, and phone calls arrive today, I know deep down in my heart it isn’t a mere formality of the day. I am proud of them, these two, for the fine young women they have become. I love their wit and humor, mixed with their loving hearts. I love the courage they’ve shown in forging out the places they have made for themselves in such an unsettled and scary world.
So, today I first look “up” and say thank you, Mom, I love you and miss you everyday, and then I look “down” and say thank you, girls, for being such great kids, I love you and cherish these years we still have together.
And so, as another Mother’s Day goes by, I hope you get to touch hearts with the women who are special “mom” types in your lives, Happy Mother’s Day everyone, and…I have written.
May 11th, 2013 One of the fun parts of writing a daily blog is you know that for ever how many years you wrote it, you can go back and see what you wrote about on exactly this day, however many years ago you choose. One might ask what would be the purpose of doing that?
The biggest purpose I find is to measure my personal growth and progress. Today I when I opened this page up to begin writing I wondered what I wrote about on May 11, 2011. I wondered just where I was in my journey. Having my days organized and archived, it was very easy to go back in time and see. It turns out that the name of the post was The Third Side of Forgiveness I went back and read it. It was one of my better ones. It carries a message that still pings a part of my brain and heart today.
What I can’t get over is how early in my recovery from depression and PTSD I wrote that. The things it speaks of are things that have only just begun to happen this year. I did say it wasn’t easy and it takes time. Between then and now I suffered a lot more pain and angst; still had a lot of work to do on the way to forgiving myself; on the road back to believing I was a good person again.
Now, two years later, I think self-forgiveness is not only the third side of forgiveness, but the hardest side. When I’m hurt by someone it is far easier to for me to forgive them than it is for me to forgive myself for the damage I have inflicted on another, especially if they refuse to accept my apology.
I have to admit, it was a bit scary to look back. Not only to look back, but to write once again about a place that hurt so much. It was like daring to disturb a still-glass pond. I poked my finger in and the ripples started. They spread through my heart and I almost backed away from writing about it. But I live by Eleanor’s words: “Do one thing each day that scares you”. And so it is done. I ventured back and came away at peace.
And so, as another day goes by, sometimes looking back is helpful and encourages you to keep moving forward, and …I have written.
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