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April 30th, 2013 Today I spent the day at my drawing table working on illustrating. Daytime TV bantered gently in the background as I worked. On weekends, when I draw, I put on music, but given my penchant for pop culture, during the week I leave the TV on because something could pop in our culture and I might miss it.
Sure enough, The Talk talked. They had Glynis McCants, numerologist, on talking about her new book, Love By The Numbers. She got my attention as soon as she started talking about how our lives move in cycles and each year we get a new number that tells what our life path for the current year is. Wow, fun. I wanted to know my number for 2013 and what path I’m on. I rewound the show and here is what I found:
Take the day and month of your birth, along with the current year, perform a little math and you will get a number 1-9. Each number through nine describes a different life path. Like so:
My birthday is 8/13:
8+1+3+2+0+1+3=18
1+8=9
My life path number for this year is 9.
9 means preparing for new beginnings. Adventurer that I am, I can’t wait to see what that means. (In August I think I’ll probably remember this day.)
Here are the rest:
You will be:
8 – establishing finances and health, pay attention to your body and your money
7 – looking within – finding the meaning of life
6 – celebrating new opportunities
5 – embracing freedom – but drama shows up, focus on you
4 – expanding your mind, seeking knowledge and finding great security in knowing
3 – communicating and expressing yourself
2 – dealing with deep emotion – pay attention to your intuition
1 – taking control of your life
These are so positive and encouraging. I like this kind of horoscopy. Before I did my number, I really thought they all applied to me, but after finding I was a nine, yes, I really did see how that one has a big chance of taking precedence over all the others this year.
Once you do your own, you start doing everyone’s whose birthday you know and that makes it more fun. My husband is a one. He’s taking control of his life this year and I’m sure he’ll thank me for finding that out for him. My NY daughter is a seven. She will be off searching for the meaning of life for the next eight months. My Boston daughter is a two. She will be dealing with deep emotions this year. Wow, serious family for 2013.
I’m glad I’m a nine. I spend enough time looking inward for the meaning of life. A new beginning sounds like a lot more fun.
What is your life path this year? Calculate it, write it down and put it in a safe place and open it back up on January 1 2014. What fun way to review the passing year.
And so, as another day goes by, the promise of a new beginning lends a little glitter to my day, I reaffirm my passion for daytime TV, and…I have written.
 Numerologist Glynis McCants new book
April 29th, 2013 You know it. That time in between.
The storm has quieted.
The rain has stopped.
But the rainbow has not yet appeared.
What do you do in this in-between time?
You can’t sit on the patio because the furniture is wet.
You can’t lie on the beach because there is no sun.
You’re done hunkering and want to move.
What do you do with this time?
You walk. You can adjust to the cold and the clouds with a jacket.
But you walk. You keep walking, one foot in front of the other.
You keep your head up.
And one day, when you least expect it,
And so, as another day goes by, I settle into the in-between time, and…I have written.
Photo Credit: Stacey Johnson
April 28th, 2013 I have cited my writer buddy, Keith Jennings, and his Sunday essay, Root Notes, a few times in this blog. Keith is another writer, whom, over the course of time reading his work, I have come to trust. I trust his words. I trust his ideas. I trust his inquires. Why is that so? What makes a writer’s work trustworthy? Today Keith answered that question in his essay. It all goes back to where the writing comes from.
A few days ago in my post Change Through Cookies I described my path of learning to take criticism gracefully and what to do with it once I got it. I have it down when it comes to my book writing critique groups. When my fellow book writers and I are critiquing each others work, there are a certain set of writing faux pas that we are looking for in the strength of the work, similar to checking for spelling errors. After three years, I’m good here.
When it comes to this blog it’s a different story. Reading Keith’s piece today, I understand how I almost became crippled in writing it these last few days as a result of the critiquing in the last blog group meeting. Keith talks about the piece he lost and was glad, because it was actually crap. Friday night I didn’t post until midnight because I felt the handcuffs tightening. I was never really quite comfortable with that post. Still, when I reread it, I feel like there’s something on my shoulder that I’m trying to shake off.
Yesterday I went for a long beach walk, came home and sat on the patio and went back to writing what was on my heart. The handcuffs flew off and the words flowed from deep inside. My “fingers” were, as if I were a gardener, “back in the dirt”.
This blog is a creation of mine. It’s my “gardener’s dirt”. It’s my “Root Note”. And I’ll protect it and not let anyone mess with it again. I vow to you, my dear readers, to always be authentic. I vow to never let stats or marketing enter this secret space of ours. I vow to always let my writing spring, uncensored, straight from the heart to the page.
I thank Keith, my writing buddy, for clearing my vision for this body of work and once again grounding me.
And so, as another day goes by, truth and authenticity bubble to the top once again, and…I, along with Keith, have written.
Check out Keith’s post Embracing Gravity
April 27th, 2013 One day the universe collided and Broken Shell met Perfect Heart. They spent many years together surviving many more collisions. Broken Shell would constantly keep cracking and flinging and leaving sharp pieces of calcified shrapnel in her wake. Perfect Heart was always in the line of fire.
After a few years, Perfect Heart looked down and found one of her perfect sides dented and bent. She was mortified. She was not perfect anymore. This crippled and paralyzed her with fear for a long time. Broken Shell still kept pelting away, never relenting, not one iota.
Gradually Perfect Heart became accepting of her bent and dented side. She began to realize that perfect doesn’t exist and to keep trying to control life to make it perfect leads to an empty and exhausting existence.
One day Broken Shell officially renamed Perfect Heart. Her new name was Imperfect Heart. Imperfect heart loved her new name. She loved the peace and balance her imperfect side brought to her perfect side. She decided she will always be an Imperfect Heart. She was grateful to Broken Shell for never relenting.
And that is the story of Broken Shell and Imperfect Heart. Rihanna’s new song Stay has an amazing line in it. It says:
“Funny you’re the broken one but I’m the one who needed savin’…”
Everyone has a perfect side that contains their God-given gifts and talents and everyone has a dented and bent side that contains the things that need work and growth and development. Perfectionists sometimes take years to discover that side. At first it’s disconcerting, but once they find it, they find a peace and balance they never knew existed. Life goes from scratching and striving and building and accumulating and accomplishing to a gentler existence where it’s okay to stop sweeping imperfections under the rug and embrace them as a vehicle for growth and change.
And so, as another day goes by, if you meet a Broken Shell, the first few cuts and dents will hurt and bleed, but don’t run away – they may be the cause of the biggest 360 you’ll ever make, and… I have written.
April 27th, 2013 Tonight my friend Shirley and I went to the Skywatch band coffeehouse in Harwich. It was such a fun evening. My friend and lead singer, Jo-Anne Petty, and band member Randy, both had amazing voices. Each sang a solo as well as taking turns leading the other songs. The other guys on the drums and guitars were equally as amazing. They performed their own music from their CD, with a few cover songs. The place was full and everyone was totally caught up in the music.
I felt bad my husband got caught up in meetings at work, and couldn’t make it out here in time to go with us, but Skywatch is going to be doing the coffeehouse monthly all summer, so he’ll definitely get to hear them rock out in full band style. I was pretty disappointed yesterday when I found out he wasn’t likely to make it. I prayed: God you really should find a way for him to come because this is a God activity, right? But then I thought that would be playing the God card on God. I probably shouldn’t play the God card on God. I should probably just choose to change my attitude so I don’t end up ruining both my own Thursday and Friday and making my husband feel worse than he already does for having to cancel something we were both looking forward to.
It worked. Just by changing my thinking, I was able to change my attitude. Two years ago this would’ve devastated my world. Such petty disappointments compared to the worlds that really were devastated last week in Boston and a few months ago in Newtown. Tonight it was comforting to hear Skywatch sing their song “Remind Me” live. Instead of playing the God card, I spend more time asking God to remind that He is good and I need Him in the hard times.
And so, as another day goes by, thank you once again Skywatch for reminding me of the truly important things in life, and… I have written.
April 25th, 2013 
When that little phrase “will you accept cookies” used to pop up on my computer, I’d laugh and picture a warm chocolate chip cookie popping out of the disk drive as soon as I clicked ok. Cookies were always a source of comfort for me and when I saw the above photo, it just slid right into my heart. Little did I know it would come to mean more than just another cute little pic to me this week.
I used it in Tuesdays blog, Sitting Down In Bikram, and a friend had commented that this was “fridge worthy”. I laughed, but then I thought, yes, it really is. The picture of me in my mind sitting on my little mat-island, happily munching my cookie me, made me feel good. This time it wasn’t like the computer cookie experience, though. The part that made me feel good was that I was finally sitting there, happy with the choices I consciously made for myself that were good for me and not influenced by those around me.
Why is that important? Because I’m a people pleaser. I will do whatever to keep smiles on the faces of those around me and have everyone think well of me. I learned Tuesday morning yoga doesn’t work that way, and I learned Tuesday night critique groups don’t work that way.
I remember my very first time in a writing critique group three years ago. When my work was up on the block. I broke out into a full body sweat and red color spread up my neck to my face. I couldn’t face it if I did something wrong and always rushed home to look at the comments and hurry to make it right, quickly applying everyone’s suggestions, whether I agreed with them or not. I just wanted it “good” in everyone else’s eyes.
Tuesday night was the first time I really saw how far I have come since those days. My blog group gave their critique of this blog. There was both good and bad. When the “bad” was coming, I waited for the sweat to start. It didn’t. I waited for the heat on my face. It didn’t come. I sat back, listened, smiled, took everything in, nodded my head, said thank you and we moved on to the next person.
I felt like I was back on my little mat-island, happily munching my cookie. I felt some comments were things I really saw would be welcome improvements after three years, and then there were things that didn’t set well with me if I did them. For the first time I felt that ultimately the blog is mine. The yoga practice is mine. In the end, the suggestions I choose to use in my writing, and the decision to sit down in yoga class, are mine.
Feedback from teachers and peers is necessary and can be wonderful if taken in the right context and viewed with the perspective that only I own my stuff and the choices are ultimately mine to make. I need to make them according to what works for me in my practice and in my work, not because I want to please others or have them think well of me, but because the choices make me a better me.
And so, as another day goes by, that’s the story on cookies, such powerful little treats in life, and…I have written.
(And…am considering a trip to the store, too – mustn’t I live my lessons?)
April 24th, 2013 “Stop wearing you wishbone where your backbone ought to be.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert
Wow. That sure hits home if you’ve ever been called upon to do something hard that you just didn’t want to do. You wish it could be different, but you have to buck up and do what needs to be done. You know exactly what you have to do. You wish the situation would change. You wish it didn’t happen. Now you’re called upon to be strong. Stronger than you’ve ever had to be in your life, and for a very long time. All the wishing in the world is not going to change it. You simply have to do what you have to do and that’s all there is to it.
I fully understand. But my bones still keep getting mixed up.
And so, as another day goes by, I still wish…and…I have written.
April 23rd, 2013 Today was my first Bikram class in well over a week, due to being in Boston last week. I attended the morning class with all my yoga buddies. A favorite of mine was teaching and the room was perfect. Perfect teacher, perfect room, perfect that my friends were all around me – the only thing not perfect was that I had been gone a long time and I feared this wasn’t going to go well. I know, I know – no expectations. But 11 days without Bikram? Ouch. There has to be some consequence. Type A that I am, I immediately told my friend my strategy. Take it easy and slow and sit down if I need to. I hate sitting down and will avoid it until I collapse.
After the first set of standing bow, I sat down for the second set. I could’ve done the set, but decided to take the knee. Something the teacher said before class rang in my brain. She said don’t feel bad or like you should’ve pushed through if you take the knee. She said if you take it, sit there and enjoy it. So I did. It was here I had another ah-ha yoga moment.
Before taking that knee, I usually wait until the black and green pixels are dancing in front of my eyes and I literally fall to my knees. Trying to get back up is almost impossible and I’m usually down for two sets, because I waited too long to take the knee and now I can’t dial it back and stand up without the dizziness again. Just like a headache or a cold. If I don’t take the medicine at the first inkling of getting them, they become full blown and no amount of medicine will shut them down.
Today was decidedly different. Before class we were discussing something else and my friend was talking about “how it’s a choice”. Taking a knee for me today was a choice, not a result of me pushing to the max and having no control over taking the knee and succumbing. I could’ve done that second set of standing bow. I was tempted to because I love standing bow, but somehow I knew pushing to that point would sabotage the rest of my class, so I made a choice, took the knee, heeded the teacher’s advice and enjoyed the knee. My dialogue in my head was going something like this:
“Look at me sitting here enjoying this break. There aren’t even any green pixels in front of me. In fact, I’m quite comfortable. I’m not even concerned with what the teacher or my friends might think of me sitting here. I’m doing it totally for my own benefit so I can have a productive class. I chose to sit. I didn’t collapse and die into it. I’m on my own little mat island, actually enjoying it instead of trying to make the pixels go away.”
I never had that experience with sitting down before. I got up and did both sets of balancing stick, both sets of triangle and CHOSE to sit out of the first set of standing head to knee. I could’ve done it until I fell, but once again I sat proudly on my little mat island and enjoyed my break. As a result of taking control of the practice instead of letting it control me, the rest of the class was absolutely wonderful. From past experience with sitting (I should say “falling”) down, my floor practice would have been a lot of crawling around on my mat if I had pushed myself to that point. I turned what had the potential for a bad class into a good one.
Today I learned that in yoga, sports, or exercising, it does no good for me to disregard what my body is telling me and push on through. Yesterday in Koko I did the same thing. I knew pressing fifty pounds was too much for me, and as much as I hate dialing the weight back when the machine suggests fifty pounds, I knew, for the betterment of the whole workout, I should. I did it. I CHOSE to do it. I didn’t wait until it hurt to lift too much weight.
And so, as another day goes by, I agree with my friend – life is about choices, we ARE free to make them, making wise ones truly pays off, and …I have written.
April 22nd, 2013 Sushi is like skiing. Sushi is also like golfing. Sushi is not like bowling. This I realized yesterday when I suggested, “Dinner?” to a friend.
She came back with, “Sushi?”
“Uh…no,” I replied.
There are certain things in life you should learn. There are certain things in life you should teach your children, such as skiing and golfing. Why? Because those are two things that later on in college and beyond they will be asked to do with friends and if no one had ever given them the opportunity to learn the proper etiquette for these sports, they either have to decline the invitations, making up excuses, or go, and suffer great embarrassment.
You should never step onto a golf course without knowing the rules of navigating one. You do not need to be a great golfer, but you do need to know things like being quiet when your partners are teeing off and realizing you’re slow and letting other groups “play through”. It’s the same with a ski slope. You never walk onto a ski slope and grab the rope tow without ever being shown how to properly squeeze the rope between your hands instead of grabbing it and taking a huge, painful, face plant.
Through the course of my life I have come to equate sushi with golfing and skiing. You are always being asked “to go get sushi” or sushi is the popular common food the group at the table on a night out for drinks settles on to order. If you’ve never tried sushi, or haven’t been brought up eating it, you’re the odd man out. People who love sushi also seem to have a lot of fun picking the various kinds on the menu. Sushi, along with golfing and skiing, are life skills you should definitely teach your children from the time they are very young.
But bowling…ah…bowling is different. When someone asks you to go bowling they don’t care if you’ve never been bowling before. Bowling is something you can go and do “cold” and everyone will have a good, good-natured laugh as you learn. In fact, trying bowling in a group for the first time actually makes you look like a risk-taker, a good sport, and a fun person to be around. Not so when you embarrass your friends on the golf course by telling a joke when someone is putting or on the ski slope when the whole line has to shut down to untangle you and your skis from the rope tow. And sushi? Well, if you don’t like it, you always feel a little left out.
I bet as you read this you were just waiting for me to get to the part where there is this great anology between life and sushi, golfing, skiing, and bowling, right? There isn’t. Sometimes life is just that – life, and there are things that are essential to getting you through it and you should pay careful attention to gaining these “life skills”.
Me? I got the skiing down in gym class in college. Phew! My parents have never even been to a ski slope. How lucky for me my college had their own ski slope and it was mandatory in freshman PE. Now, there’s a school that has a handle on life skills. I was pretty lucky that my father was a golfer and gave me plenty of the time and attention it took to learn my way around a golf course and a driving range. I was also fortunate in the bowling category. Both of my parents bowled on leagues and spent Sunday afternoons teaching this skill to my brother and I. But the sushi? Bingo. Been my nemesis for years. I’ve tried. Vegetable (because I’d NEVER eat a raw fish) rice, seaweed, shrimp, you name it – I keep trying it and I get no where. Some, covered in sauce, I can tolerate a bite or two, but not for a meal. I always feel like the wet blanket when my friends say, “Sushi?” and I have to say uh…no. I attribute this to only having been exposed to sushi in the last six years, and considering my life-long aversion to raw fish, I don’t think it’s something I’m likely to overcome any time soon.
And so, as another day goes by, parents please assess the life skills of your children before they go off to college, prepare them well – introduce them to a ski and a golf club, feed them sushi, and…I have written.
…and, really, who wants a life that’s safe, expedient, and thin?
April 21st, 2013 
This is the photo of the suspect after he placed the backpack bomb beside Martin and his family. After all is said and done and prayed for and captured, there is still a lot of inner processing left in the aftermath to do. This photo smacked me hard – harder than all the rest because it brings forth the reality that I’m actually looking at Martin’s last moments of his short little life. I’m still wandering the beach trying to reconcile this with God. And not only me.
One of my favorite Cape Cod Times Sunday journalists, Dan McCullough, wrote this morning:
“Why Does God Let Evil Happen?”
Yay. Wow. I was excited. Dan is not only a Cape Cod Times journalist, but also a philosophy professor at the 4 C’s. I read his column weekly. He is a writer with ideas that I trust. I eagerly immersed myself in the article. He began with (Imagine being that brave as a writer to begin this way):
“If you don’t believe in God, don’t bother reading any further into this piece today. Two of my very favorite and very talented columnists are just below me on this page. You can go right down to them and continue reading. Thanks for checking in; I’ll see you next week.
Ok then, for you believers: forget the atheists; this is really none of their business; it’s got nothing to do with them. We need to talk about evil existing in the same world with God.”
Yay! Yes. I am finally gonna get my answer. McCullough begins, as I do today, writing his column with Martin’s picture right in front of him. Now here’s a guy whose on my page in trying to make sense of God, good, and evil. He explains two “theodicies” (attempts to explain the actions of God) and just as I think we’re getting there, he ends with:
“So, I don’t know about you, but these theodicies don’t make it any easier for me to look at that family picture this morning. I mean, they do make sense in their own ways, but I still feel empty,”
Sadly, I agreed. This is the point where, disheartened that even my favorite philosopher couldn’t put this thing to bed for me, I grabbed my headphones and set off for the beach.
Starting out on my walk today I wanted to listen to my Skywatch CD after going to hear them at church last night. Ambling down Ploughed Neck road, with a sharp wind straight off the water shooting down my neck, it was there I found reconciliation. The song “Remind Me” came on. The words were the exact words that my heart was speaking:
“I fall as a puppet would from broken strings. I offered up my life.. I promised everything.
I can’t comprehend why you took him, after all the years that I’ve served you, I promised and believed, still you brought me to my knees…
Remind me…why did you choose to take this soul away …what purpose does it serve? Can you hear me pray?
How do I look in the eyes of children asking me why did you have to take him, I don’t understand, how this fits into your plan….”
Right? They get it, this Skywatch band. And what’s better? The rest of the song gives the answer. The right answer. I won’t go into what it is here, because out of respect for the band, you really should spend the $1.29 for the song and see if it helps you settle this issue in your heart like it did for me.
And so, as another day goes by, thank you Dan for trying, thank you Skywatch for doing what you do, and…I have written.
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