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February 17th, 2013 A friend of mine texted me that she just landed in Boston from LA. After she got home, she said she is enjoying a gentle re-entry. Just the wording of that phrase made me feel calm. I’m going to practice a re-entry myself tomorrow. A re-entry into my daily life and I certainly do want it to be gentle.
My two daughters and three of their friends came on Friday for the weekend and they’ll be leaving tomorrow. It’s really been like being away for me, too. Friday night we were up until 3 am singing karaoke. All day Saturday we were slow moving and enjoyed a day of PJ’s and intermittent naps. Saturday night we watched TV, the girls played Disney monopoly, and we had great food. Daddy B, as they call him, made his famous eggplant parm. Today was a winter storm, complete with 50 mph winds and snow. We cuddled in the family room with wine, good books, Internet games with friends, and a quick bout of Snookie having her baby, thrown in just for balance.
As I sit here tonight I really do feel like I have been away from my life for three days. There were no walks, or meetings, or fit club or yoga classes – just lots of sitting, reading, talking, and eating. I feel cut off and cocooned from the rest of the world. When my friend texted me about her gentle re-entry and making plans for tomorrow, I felt like I will experience a re-entry, too. I’m already planning to open my eyes tomorrow morning and utter a prayer for gentle one. Thank you, Donna, for you eloquent description. It spoke to me.
It’s good every so often to enter a padded soft cocoon and spend time doing things you don’t normally do. I did some reading about relationships and reinvention this weekend that I only had time to do because I couldn’t get up and turn on the TV at 6 am. One girl and her dog was sleeping on the pull-out in the family room and I couldn’t wake the whole house. I had to sneak my tea and retreat to my quiet room and occupy myself until the household stirred at 9 am. Not having the banter of the news competing for my attention these two mornings, I had complete quiet to ponder and look up info on things that were troubling me inside. I found great blogs, articles, and answers.
One was about needing a new script. Sometimes a walk down the same road too many times loses its effectiveness. Taking a new left turn puts things in a different light. I need a new script. I haven’t quite figured out yet just what it is, but time in the cocoon of this weekend pointed out that I needed one.
And so, as another day goes by, I’m hoping for that gentle re-entry tomorrow, and….I have written.
February 16th, 2013 This past week I wrote a post about Dr.Phil's new book, "Life Code". I was only half way through the book so I only read the parts that involved giving us the "playbook" of the B.A.I.T.E.R.S. (those out there to harm us) Today I reached the second half of the book where he is giving us our own "playbook" for our own "life code" so we won't be blindsided by these people ever again.
At first, after reading the playbook that they use, I thought that would be enough to warn us and teach us how to spot those red flags of people we shouldn't let hang around in our lives. After all, isn't knowing how, when, and where they operate just the perfect way to protect ourselves? Obviously not, because I have a whole other half of the book to read.
I'm only part way through this second half, but right in the beginning Dr. Phil laid out the most ingenuous strategy for protecting oneself out there in the world today. He tells us there's no better way to do this than to spend some serious time turning inward and studying ourselves. He says the better we know ourselves, the less likely of us getting blindsided out there. Hmmm…… I do think he has a point.
I have spent the last two years banging around inside myself and finding both – things I liked about myself and things I didn't like, as well as things I was good at and things I super sucked at. Paying attention to one's weaknesses and strengths raises our awareness when we venture out there and get involved in relationships. For instance, in my case, I always knew I was a strong person, but I never knew I internalized things to keep up that vestige of strength until those things jumped up out of the darkness and turned me into an emotional basket case. Only when, as Taylor Swift says, "I found myself lying on the cold, hard ground", literally, did I sit up, all covered in emotional garbage, and wonder what the hell just happened.
Had I known then what I know now about attending to fear and loss and not internalizing it, I wouldn't have had to spend three months in chair with depression and fatigue and the twenty plus pounds I still have to lose from that delightful experience. Now, when loss threatens my world, I'll meet it head on instead of stuffing it and having it blow up my life six months later.
The exercise Dr. Phil uses in the second half of the book work in much the same way. By doing a little self-discovery we can be better prepared when someone tries to come at us, using our weaknesses as a surprise to take us down. If we know our weaknesses, we'll spot these people in a heartbeat. If we don't – guess what? Surprise – again – blindsided. Makes a lot of sense and after the past two years getting up off "the cold, hard ground" and scraping off layers of emotional muck, I can say, yes, this is a good strategy.
And so, as another day goes by, I still have to finish the book, and….I have written.
February 15th, 2013 Yesterday was Valentine's Day, but I didn't get the love story until today. Please meet my new author friend, Diana Lesire Brandmeyer. I met Diana in January through the Ultimate Blog Challenge. She is the author of the children's book that I'm illustrating. Diana is a Christian author, that also writes contemporary and historical romance.
I just finished reading her brand new book "A Mind Of Her Own". A stay at home mom, Louisa Copeland, mother of three, wife of attorney Collin Copeland, has an accident that causes her to lose her memory and wake up in the hospital as author, Jazz Sweet (whom I definitely think I am.) Jazz likes bright colors, is a disaster in the kitchen and just has that need to get the words out. (See? Who does that sound like?) I love when I see myself in one of the characters, and my husband in the other – the author has done her job and the read is exhilarating and inspirational.
Diana told this story from a beautiful place. It's the story of a broken marriage and a broken person stitched together in scenes that touched my heart. Diana's style is my favorite – the writer falls away and the story takes center stage, making it a quality read. After I close the cover and come back to the world in my family room, I'm taken by surprise that the author is someone I know and I'm stunned by their talent.
Diana knows her way around a well-written novel. "A Mind of Her Own" is a quick read (mainly because, right from the get-go, you can't put it down) and has that ability to take you into someone else's life. Through humor and family banter you are right there in the Copeland household, watching the story unfold. I highly recommend downloading it today for the weekend. I think it's still on sale for $1.99 on Amazon, but it's definitely worth the full price.
And so, as another day goes by, thank you Diana for bringing some Valentine love into my heart, it's been a pleasure getting to know you, and…I have written.
Visit Diana at: Diana Lesire Brandmeyer and grab your copy today!
February 14th, 2013 Today is obviously Valentine's Day. This morning I made my declarations of love to my significant others and went on with my day. I had to clean and prepare the house for my daughters and their friends coming to spend the weekend. My thoughts weren't running along the lines of all the flowers, candles and champagne floating across every mode of media today. My own heart just wasn't in it. While vacuuming I began thinking about my friend who lost her husband suddenly one day ago. I started crying. Cried through the vacuuming. Sadly dusted all the rooms, crying some more while remembering my own losses. Cried again through the noon news. Went out to chop ice and tried to take a walk. I didn't get very far before the tears came again. Soon it was time for yoga. I couldn't wait to get there so I went to the 4:30 class instead of the 6:15. I rocked the class posture wise, but as soon as we hit the floor I was sobbing into my towel. It's a good thing this is hot yoga and tears pass for sweat.
I came home and sat down with my shake – all I felt like for dinner tonight. I was hoping to lose myself in a book and hang out in someone else's life for the evening, but I opened my inbox before I opened my kindle. It was flooded with obituaries. Another teacher from my school just passed away, too. All I could think of was melted chocolate for this Valentine's Day.
I didn't cry. Instead I remembered something I read this morning:
"Today, let gratitude be your strength."
~ Tom Walsh
I'm going to end the day, not in tears, but in gratitude for those I am blessed to have in my life to love. I know that once those five girls arrive tomorrow night, I won't have time to be sad about anything. My husband and will love them and love our time together.
One other thing I do love today is the thought of gratitude as a source of strength. Looking back at those I sent love declarations to this morning and being thankful for them, changed my thoughts. Changing my thoughts changed how I feel. There's something warm and smooth about melted chocolate.
I hope your Valentine's Day was a happy one. Hug those you love and give thanks for them.
And so, as another Valentine's day passes, prayers for those in pain, love and gratitude for those close to my heart, and…I have written.
So glad both of my girlies are coming home this weekend! Yay! (My first "yay" of the day!)
February 13th, 2013 Last week I attended the first session of our spring women's bible study. We are doing Beth Moore again, this time it's called "Daniel – Lives of Integrity, Words of Prophecy". We saw the first video, and it didn't really speak to me in any specific way – had a lot of history about kings.
Yesterday I downloaded Dr. Phil's new book "Life Code". Dr. Phil wrote this book just for me, and if you read it you'll probably say he wrote it just for you. Many times I've mentioned in this blog that due to my own naivety, I'm often blindsided by the behavior of another that attacks my life, using me to get to someone or something that they want and I never saw it coming. I've been going through this blindsiding thing since fifth grade. I always scratch my head and wonder how these people could be so clever. They take one tiny piece of information and spin it to whomever and suddenly I'm the bad guy and there's no way to explain what happened. I just drop my hands and walk away. These people steal my peace, trample on my joy, and leave me questioning myself – am I really a bad person? Dr. Phil's book is the remedy for my naivety. He gives us the play book of these people who use others to get what they want, no matter whose life they wreak havoc in. You got it, they want it, and boom! – out of the blue they used all the info they could gather on you, while befriending you, and slam! – out of nowhere you're out the door and they have what was yours. Bewildered, you slowly stand up and wobble away scratching your head mumbling, "What just happened?"
Little did I know that there are an actual group of people out there that make it their lifestyle to do this to further their own causes. "Life Code" teaches us what we need to know to stop this blindsiding. Dr. Phil doesn't get bogged down in the "why" they do it. He spells out "how", which is what we need to survive in today's world. There are people he calls B.A.I.T.E.R.S. They befriend you and get you to trust them and then go in for the kill. You can read about what the acronyms mean if you get the book. You will be surprised at the people lurking in your life that really shouldn't be there if you were any kind of "street smart" – which my husband will tell you, I'm not – not at all. I wear those rose colored glasses and make Pollyanna look like the big bad wolf, and, as he puts it, I'm always "outgunned".
Now – you may be scratching your head because I started this post talking about my new bible study and how it wasn't speaking to me. I was kind of not wanting to study the history Beth was presenting in the book of Daniel – until I sat down to do the homework pages. You won't believe what I found in the lesson. In 650 BC they used what was called "friendly captives" to gain entrance to the inside of the temple and all it's treasures. How did these kings do this? They befriended the the guys in the temple and got them to trust them and boom! – guess who walked right out of the temple carrying the treasures? Everything Dr. Phil was writing about and applying to our world today was happening in 650 BC. Beth Moore is using the book of Daniel to also show us how we can use the playbook of these early civilizations to show us what is still happening in our world today and how we must take care to protect ourselves from it.
Amazing huh? Dr. Phil, Beth Moore, and the Bible all on the same page. I know. It blows my mind how everything that is happening in the world today is not new. Just new people with new technology to do the same things old people with no technology did back in 650 BC. Did you know back then the king ordered boys, ages 15-20 who were smart, handsome and well-bred to be brought to him so he could teach them and school them to send them back out and infiltrate society for his own gain? Home grown terrorism ring a bell here?
What I thought was going to be a boring bible history lesson has suddenly become fascinating. That's why I have to go and listen to people like Beth Moore because I'd never find this stuff in the bible myself. Put Dr. Phil in this same arena, and, well, you can guess the amazing learning to come out of it.
And so, as another day goes by, God and His holy book continue to rock my world, He sends more tools in the form of Dr. Phil's book, hopefully I'll emerge a little smarter about who I let into my life and how long I let them stay, and….I have written.
February 12th, 2013 It felt so great this morning to have everything back to normal – power on, cleanup done. My husband left for NY and I grabbed my yoga gear and….snap…the power went off again. No biggie. I'll just go to fit club and it'll probably be back on when I get home. I switched gear and got into the car. The car wouldn't start. Called my husband. He was going to turn around and come back, but I got it started myself. I left for fit club, hoping it would start again afterward.
I had a great workout, the car started like normal (we should've started it over the weekend) and I headed home. Still no power. Okay, it was only noon. I ate lunch, read the paper, and decided to sleep my way through the power outage. Woke up. Still no power. This was getting scary because although I can hook up the generator, I can't wire it to the furnace like my husband did. Fear crept in. It was just then I got news that a dear friend's husband suddenly passed away. I called my husband and was tearfully telling him the news and he was telling me how to get the generator going, when snap…the power came back on. Relief amongst my sadness.
After hanging up with him, I spent some time in quiet prayer for my friend and her family. A bit of fear of loss began to slink around the backside of my brain. No, I wasn't going down that road again. It came across Facebook that the 6 pm yoga class was back on. That's what I needed. I excused myself from my blog meeting and headed to yoga instead.
Turns out it was the best choice. I had 90 minutes with just me in my corner, my mind and body both kept busy, the heat and the rhythm of the practice freed me of the fear of loss I was beginning to obsess about. I had time during savasana to look at the familiar dots in the ceiling that formed the cross that comforted me everyday during that fight for the last two years. It was like going home in time of trouble.
My faith is strong, but I also remembered God gave us the gift of free will. He also gives us tools here on Earth to deal with difficult times. I had to exercise my free will and use the tools. Tonight yoga was the tool and I had to make the choice to go in order to ward off the anxiety to be able to spend time asking God to go be with my friend and her family without getting myself all twisted up in my own battle with fear.
Don't be the guy who drowned in the flood. Remember him? He got the phone call to evacuate and he refused, saying he would wait for The Lord to rescue him. The water crept up to his first floor and a rescue boat came. Again he refused, stating he would wait for The Lord. The water rose to his second floor, so he sat on the roof and a helicopter came to rescue him. Once again, he refused the help, saying he's waiting on The Lord. He drowned. When he got to heaven he asked God why he didn't come and rescue him when he prayed for help. God said, "I called you and sent you a boat and a helicopter, what else did you want me to do?"
Don't be that guy. Exercise your gift of free will and use the tools God provides in time of difficulty.
And so, as another day goes by, RIP Glenn Aery, may God bless my dear friend Roxy and the whole family and provide the tools they need to get through this, I'm thinking of all of you, and…I have written.
February 11th, 2013 It was weird. Last night, when the power flicked on at about 10:40 pm, my mood fell. I kind of felt like I didn't want it to end. My husband and I were involved in a game of chess and poking insults at each other, then dissolving in laughter. (I can't tell who won because I dumped the board when the lights came on.) This morning he's still asking me who I think would've one – he was obviously in better shape than I with his black knights.
Wasn't it weird that I was sad our camping weekend was coming to a close? I thought about this all day today and then remembered how all we did was laugh til our stomachs hurt over our own antics for three days. For instance:
On day one we hooked up the generator and had heat, microwave, coffee, etc – and I ran around gathering every candle I had in the house and had ten scents going at one time. Then on day two, I was worried I was going to run out of candles when I discovered I had electric ones in every window – uh…why not just plug those into the generator? Finally, we laughed the hardest on day three when my husband came out of the computer room with a lamp, promptly plugged it in and lit the whole kitchen and family room. We just sat there and laughed and laughed til our sides hurt.
And so it went throughout the weekend. We had more fun figuring this thing out and coming up with better ways to do everything from cooking to watching TV on the iPad. We ran wires and held flashlights for each other. We went outside and snow blowed and shoveled our yard and those of the neighbors. We solved the gas problem and rode around town surveying the damage. We walked the beach and took funny pics to send our kids depicting inside jokes. We sat together all afternoon on Sunday with cool jazz playing on the iPad, while I read a great book and he played on YouTube. We napped with the afternoon sun streaming in and then cooked great food. We entered into our rousing chess game after dinner, and, all too soon, poof! The power came on and we were swung back into reality. My first thought wasn't "thank God", but awww….
It was a huge blizzard. We were without power for three days. And yet….I felt bad it was ending. Maybe it wasn't weird to feel that way. Times of trouble and crisis draw us closer together and teach us things that can't be learned when immersed in our normal routines. I used to shun trouble and try to fix it or sweep it under the rug as quickly as possible so I could get on with life. I don't do that anymore. I stop and look at the obstacle, stay open and ready to receive what it has to give me. This blizzard gave me a lot. A lot of laughs, a lot of love, a lot of good conversation, a lot of good food, a lot of camaraderie, – in other words – a lot of the good stuff life has to offer – even in difficult times.
And so, as another day goes by, go through the trials and troubles side by side with your loved ones. You will all be better off for it. And….I have written.
Photo: My husband took this to send to the girls saying – "NOW she wants to go paddle boarding! If she's not here next weekend…..) Lol! (We had paddle board issues with me all summer) 🙂
February 10th, 2013 Day three begins, once again, with no power. There is power in one lone block in the center of our town which contains not only the police station, but a gas station right next door to it. This made getting enough gas for the generator easy. We had to get enough because the tweet from NStar said this will be “a multi day thing, so please prepare accordingly.” Accordingly, we did. My husband, who is the most social human being on the planet, made the rounds of the neighborhood, making sure the ladies across the way had hot food and the couple next door had enough gas for their generator. Meanwhile, I cleaned and vacuumed what has now become kind of a nest we inhabited for the last two days. You can only make so much food and drink by candlelight before it becomes imperative to unplug the refrigerator and plug in the vacuum.
Neighbors settled, and house cleaned we headed to the beach. (Yes, when you live on the ocean you still go to the beach in the winter.) This part is for all my family and friends who come to visit me in the summer and sit on this beach: Guess what? THE BOARDWALK IS TOTALLY UNCOVERED. There are those of us who haven’t seen that boardwalk (except for the tips of the railings) in ten years. Yes, girls and Phyllis, the rocks are back too, and the whole beach is total sand. The storm gouged out about 10 feet or more of sand and took it out to the sand bars. The beach is not rocky – totally smooth sand. The sun is out, it’s warm and you could easily spend an hour in a beach chair here this afternoon.
We didn’t sit though. We turned right and walked all the way around Scorton Creek and came back on the road. The sights were amazing. The tide came right up over the dune to within 20 feet of some cottages. The cottage fronts are totally painted with a thick coating of ice and sand. Not one set of steps down to beach is left along the whole shore. When we got to the end where the marsh meets the ocean, the water was over the jetty on both sides. It was the most amazing high tide I’ve ever seen there. Turning the corner into the parking lot, to head for home, the entire parking lot is underwater.
(See no parking sign in photo below)
I’ve included the photos below for those of you who only see this beach in the summer and never get to see winter sights like this here. Enjoy. Makes you want to hurry and pack your beach bag doesn’t it?
And so, as another day goes by, storms gouge out, rearrange, and change, making us ready for a new season, and…I have written.
February 9th, 2013 Day two with a storm that’s named after a fish that was easily found, (literally on our doorstep) is winding down. The marsh stayed in the marsh and high tide passed without incident. The water was amazing – it looked like a lake with huge waves in my front yard. We still don’t have power, but have enough gas for the generator to last the night and there are gas stations here on the cape operating and open to get more tomorrow. We have plenty of food, heat, and with town water, water wasn’t an issue, so all in all we came out of this okay.
Outside is another story. After a long nap, due to being up almost all night with the wind, we braved the outdoors and spent the afternoon with things that have motors and gas. My garage is frozen solid with a foot of ice on the bottom and the sides and top iced shut. The car probably won’t move until Monday. Thank goodness my husband was able to free his truck. It was parked with the driver’s side facing the ocean, so it was sealed shut, too. The ice is still heavy on my front window and we don’t want to chance scraping that off, since it’s a new window. The whole front of the house was painted in solid ice overnight.
As far as snow totals, it’s hard to tell. There was a four foot drift in front of the garage and grass showing in the backyard. We have a huge snowblower so we made short work of our driveway and that of the neighbor ladies across the street.
Now we are tucked in, generator running, watching TV on the iPad, candles burning (not really – the genius in me figured out that I could use my electric candles – I only have one in every window ) and day two is coming to a close. Outside of a few concerns about the marsh and enough gas for the generator, it was kind of a fun experience. Definitely a learning experience. We decided we are investing in a home generator system. Living on the ocean, power is always an issue with these nor’easters in the winter and hurricanes in the summer. Having this small one made this storm really comfortable, but I have a wiring nightmare running across the floors.
And so, as another day goes by, it takes with it yet another Cape storm adventure, and…I have written.
February 8th, 2013 It’s official! We’re camping! Power on East Sandwich Beach went out about 8:30. It took us an hour to get the generator going, hook up the heat and I can use the microwave and charge the cell phones. So, so far, all is well. We have plenty of food and all the scents of the candles smell wonderful.
Now, as for the storm. My back patio is still bare, but the front of the house facing the ocean is covered with snow – like a thick white paste. We have 17 foot waves in the bay and it’s high tide right now. It’s too dark to see what the marsh in my front yard looks like, but the people across the street are okay. Now the tide will start to recede. The one that could cause flooding is at 10 am tomorrow. At least it will be light outside. We will probably have the marsh up in my neighbor across the street’s backyard and the pics should be amazing.
The wind is ridiculous! I tried to open my front door. I opened the inside door, but could not even push the storm door open an inch. The wind is coming directly off the ocean, toward the front of the house. The back is a lot less snowy and windy. My husband goes out the back door to check the generator and says it’s not as bad back there.
I feel like I’m in a cocoon in the middle of this blizzard. The wind howls in the front of the house and the generator hums in the back. We have enough gas for two days and in the daytime we can ration it. My husband saw the flash on the next street over when a branch fell on the wires. The police were already there to check it out.
Make no mistake – it’s eerie out here, but I’m cool with it as long as there’s enough gas to get through the night.
And so, as another day goes by, there’s nothing more to do but hunker down and listen to the wind until daylight, the blizzard of 2013 is on the books, and…I have written.
Photo: The bottle behind the candle says “Relax”. Ok Lord, I am relaxing in you. Take us through the night. Amen.
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