Some days are just filled with love. Not big, huge starry-eyed I'm falling in love love, but teeny tiny fondness love for little ordinary things. This weekend, as I cleaned, relaxed, and did artwork, I found myself saying "I really love and appreciate ______." to my husband four or five times. I asked him to bring up the ladder so I could dust the ceiling fan and the high ceiling. It's one of those Little Giant ladders you see on the infomercials. I got it for a Father's Day present for him years ago. I marveled at how he could carry this little six foot ladder up from the basement and with a few twists and pulls – voila! I had a 10 foot ladder in the middle of the family room. Magic, I tell you, just magic. (If you ever wondered if buying this ladder is worth it, let me tell you it is, and this is not the first time I found myself appreciating having it.)
Next he moved it around the room as I climbed up and down dusting. My husband remarked what a great job we did picking the paint colors for the room. I added that everyday I appreciate the soft green and yellow when I sit in my chair with the afternoon sun filling the room. We moved the ladder over to the fireplace and when I reached down to dust the huge painting of our beach hanging above our mantle, I heard myself saying that this painting is another thing I love and feel so lucky to have when I look at it everyday. It came with our first Capehouse and we felt blessed the owners left it for us.
Those "iLuv" moments led me to seriously contemplate the other small things I have that make my heart smile as I move through my days:
iLuv the lighted hearts across my mantle.
iLuv my car. (Even though it's 10 years old)
iLuv my iPad mini.
iLuv my vanilla candle.
iLuv my rocking chair(s). (All 5 of them)
iLuv my friend Joan with whom I can while away a whole afternoon talking writing and illustrating in front of her fire…
….and this list could go on forever once I focused on it. We are all thankful each and everyday for the big things – our families and our homes, but something shifts when we change our focus to the small things in our days that we really really love. Try it. Shift your focus. After you're done giving gratitude for your spouse, and your extremely lovely and talented children, and your warm, comfortable home, what comes next? What's on your "iLuv" list?
(See how warm your heart gets? Nice, during this cold January, huh?)
And so, as another day goes by, there's one more thing that I really, really love in the photo below and….I have written.
Photo: Simply Naked Chardonnay – the only one I can drink because it's unoaked, the no drip topper on the bottle, and an AMAZING, no, I mean really amazing, electric wine opener that my also amazing daughter Erin gave me for Xmas. (This child knows the way to her Mother's heart!) Lol!
This photo is called….."iLuv"…
Lazy Sunday afternoon, no more football, cold outside….almost February first….time to move on. Away with the snowflakes on the window and the snowmen around the room. Time to pull away the furniture, wash the floor, vacuum the ceiling fan and the multitude of other tasks it takes to clean a room from top to bottom and then bring out the hearts and red things.
With Jason Mraz on Pandora, my husband tying his fishing flies in the other room, I set about my work. This room cleaning involves dusting. Dusting involves carefully picking up and replacing objects and photos dear to the heart. It's like lighting the fuse on a firecracker – there's no turning back. The memories begin flowing, and so do the tears. Remembering that which is dead and gone takes over, and coupled with the music drifting in from the other room, scrambles my heart and messes with my feelings.
I finish downstairs and move upstairs. I walk into my daughters' room and the first thing I see is the picture below. I didn't need many words.
And so, as another day goes by, maybe I should just leave my house dusty, and…I have written.
Photo: Artwork by Ashley Bartosik
While cleaning out the magazine holder I came across a crinkled copy of Writer Magazine from 2010. It was folded to page 12, indicating I must have been reading something of interest when I set it down two years ago. I questioned the importance of the article since I never returned to it. Curiosity got the best of me and I sat there on the floor, in the middle of all the stacks of magazines and read the article. Ah..ha. Now I know why it was not important enough to return to back then – two years ago I was barely a writer and this article wouldn’t have meant too much to me. But now……
How familiar is that phrase? For the last two weeks I've had more "I don't feel like it" moments than is normal for me. When it came time to go to yoga or fit club, to write, draw, go to a meeting, etc. I had two choices. One, I could just get up and push myself to do it, or, two, I could give in to whatever excuse was handy at the time and not do it. I'd say my performance was half and half, but I did notice a change in impetus and energy when I pushed myself to go for it.
Leaving the house, hitting the cold air, and engaging with friends quickly changed that "I don't feel like it" mood to "I'm so glad I did this". This morning I found something in today's reading of Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way Everyday that suddenly put this whole "I don't feel like it" thing into perspective:
"The idea that the biggest secret of making art might just be making some art is a conclusion the ego works very hard to avoid. The ego wants us to be "in the mood" to make art at the very least. And yet, as any hard working artist will tell you, waiting for the right "mood" to make art is a huge time waster. We are married to our art and just as the first caress can lead to interest between a long-married couple, the first lick of work can lead to an appetite for work. In other words, mood more often follows action than instigates."
This piece talks about art, which really really applies to me. I have those days when I plan to get a certain piece of my illustrating project done and I think I'm not in the mood. It will probably be terrible so I put it off. Other days when I feel that way, I take a tougher stand with myself and plunge right in. The result? I get caught up in the art and surprise myself. It happens with planning for my Young Authors Workshops, too. I designate a time to do it, the time comes and I'm tired, or don't feel quite well, etc. When I don't give into those feelings and just get out of my chair, set up on the kitchen island, and just get to it, I get caught up in the joy of the process and realize that there was nothing wrong with me at all. It was just a mess of excuses that needed to be pushed aside to get the job done. Writing this blog works much the same way and has taught me this lesson over and over again. This is a daily commitment and it cannot be left undone. What this commitment has shown me over the course of two and a half years is that that lethargic feeling can be quickly overcome by just picking up the pen and starting to write. About halfway through the post I'm so energized I can't stop. When I'm finished, the adrenalin is coursing through my veins and I end up getting up and getting even more work and projects done than I had even planned for.
Remember this: your energy lies in your passion and it's your responsibility to unearth it. Cameron's piece applies to all passions and all aspects of our lives from exercising, to work, to housecleaning, to eating right – to everything we do. The best line is the last one:
"In other words, mood more often follows action, than instigates."
Take that one home with you and the next time you're just not in the mood to do that which you know you need to do, slap that mood to the sidelines, get up and get to it, and you'll see how quickly that mood will change its tune. You'll get energized and feel amazing.
And so, as another day goes by, time to open a bottle of wine and prepare dinner for my husband (don't get excited – it's out of the freezer), relax and enjoy the fact that it's Friday, celebrate all the stuff I got done today because I didn't give in to "I don't feel like it", and….I have written.
What? Live with an unsolved problem? Really Lord? There's peace in that?
That was my reaction to my morning reading this morning. I'm taking a second trip through Melody Beattie's More The Language of Letting Go. This morning that concept was just flung across the page, striking me, and even enraging me a little. Isn't the point of having problems to quietly and consistently work them through and learn from them? I mean, even if it takes years, isn't the point to keep going, not "learn to live with it"? Where is the "learning" in "learning to live with unsolved problems"?
As soon as I uttered those words the learning became apparent. The point of the book is to learn to let go of things we cannot change. It IS okay to stop trying. It is ANOTHER way to solve an unsolved problem. Then there was another sentence in there that caught my attention. Stop trying to control and manipulate the universe into giving you what you want by "using" letting go. Letting go cannot be a means to an end. Letting go is done in the here and now, with no expectations.
This weighs on my heart as I venture off to yoga class this morning. I had trouble on Tuesday. Will I have trouble today? I don't know. If I have a "no expectations" attitude does that guarantee me a good class? That's manipulating the universe to give me what I want. True "no expectations" means I will go willingly, look forward to what unfolds in the class, and accept it for what it is when it's over. That's true letting go.
And so, as another day begins to go by, I'm learning to let go without an ulterior motive, yet again Bikram swoops in to provide practice with life lessons, and….I have written.
As a writer and a lover of words, a piece of paper is very important to me. The words that I might put on that paper could influence someone else to have a little better day, to inform someone and give them the gift of new knowledge, or to inspire them to keep going and reach a little higher. But today it is not about a piece of paper with words on it, mine or otherwise. It is about a blank piece of paper and the impact its message can have.
Below is a story that I felt I just had to share for those who have not seen it cross their Facebook yet. Be prepared to say "wow", then use it with the children you know.
And so, as another day goes by, who knew a blank piece of paper could pack such a wallop, and…I have written.
This morning’s Bikram class was the first after three days. Things are very different with my body. Certain parts feel foreign and out of place. The only thing I can liken it to is when your first pregnant and your body just doesn’t feel familiar anymore. Instead of grabbing my heels in forward bend, I can only grab my ankles. And that was just the start of a string of poses I either had to modify or not get in to the full depth that I usually do. I realized my muscles are building from fit club and extensive changes are going to keep happening as the two practices grow and change my body in different ways.
Normally I’d get upset at this, but today my thoughts during class went in a different direction. I realized I had to take the yoga out of my head now and put back in my body where it is needed. Instead of obsessing over not being able to have the practice I used to have, I now have to use the yoga to medicate and let the yoga compliment the changes fit club is causing.
I started in backbend telling myself to ease into it gently. Don’t push. Then when I had to grab my ankles instead of my heels, I told myself it was okay – work with the muscles. In standing bow, which I am good at, I got a cramp behind my left knee and had to stand up and rub it out. I didn’t get upset at having to miss the second part of the pose. I just told myself to go with it. As my teacher Mark says, “Do your best. Then let it go.” I did just that for the rest of the class.
I kept telling myself I’m not obsessing over anything anymore. I’m going to do my best, at my pace, then move on. I took the practice out of my head and let my body use it and enjoy it. It ended up being a really informative class where I assessed the progress I’m making – not by getting better at the postures, because just the opposite is happening – but progress at not obsessing and being tolerant and gentle with the changes on this journey.
About two years ago a friend said I beat myself up a lot. That remark stuck with me all this time. I felt I had to. I had to somehow punish and prove myself. Those days are over. I need gentleness and acceptance. Not from others – from myself.
And so, as another day goes by, a season of seeking gentleness is upon me, not obsessing is the start of this new journey, and….I have written.
I am still trying to work out these publishing to Facebook issues. The Typepad people are helpful. They answer my emails right away and are working on the problem. In the meantime they said I have to use RSSGrafitti. This means learning a new techno skill. I got the RSSGrafitti to work and set up the feed. Now I just have to see if it gets published on Facebook. Also I got my blog fan page back. We'll work on getting "likes" for it if this blog successfully publishes there!
And so, as another day goes by, it's been a LONG five days figuring this thing out, I'm spending my blogging time on it tonight, fingers crossed, and….I have written.
Today I am at the AFC Championship game with my husband and daughter. I gave her my ticket and hung out at the CBS Scene while they went into the game. I was happy at the bar, complete with wine and sweet potato fries in front a big screen. Three girls came and sat next to me, joined by two young boys standing behind them. Throughout the whole first quarter they talked nonstop in my right ear without a clue there's a huge game going on. (Kind of hard to do at the CBS Scene just outside the stadium.)
I moved to a nice quiet table and before I could sit down, four people came in, ushering a crying girl, and sat at the table next to me. My attention was immediately taken away from the game, because, of course, I was concerned about the girl. I'm always interested in people's stories and listened carefully, but I couldn't quite figure out what was wrong.
By half-time the score was 13-7 Patriots so it looked like the Patriots were digging in. The people with the girl got up to leave, but her friend sat down next to me and apologized for invading my game space and explained that it was her friend's first NFL game, she lost her glasses waking to the Stadium, can't see anything and is very upset. They never even went in to their seats. I felt bad for her and told her I hoped her friend felt better. They all left and I returned my attention to the game after the half, relieved that the girl wasn't hurt.
(Here is where we change days and tenses, because this was yesterday's post, written at the game, but because of crowded air waves, would not post.)
As we all know the game completely spiraled downward in the third quarter. The fourth quarter was no better, but the girl and her friend came back and sat with me. We exchanged stories and cheered up the girl. Now I was glad to have my attention taken away from the big screen, because as the news reporters are saying on TV, "there's no joy in New England this morning."
After the game, my husband and daughter joined us. It was a solemn time, but, hey, these things happen. We can't always win. There's much to be gained by taking a loss now and then. Everything happens for a reason – right from the Pats loss, to the poor girl's ruined day because of lost glasses. Loss teaches us to appreciate that which we still have left. Loss teaches us about letting go of yesterday and focusing on today.
And so, as another day goes by, the wonderful thing about time is that there's always next year, always another chance, and, most of all, there's always more hope, and….I have written.
“Life is a great big canvas and you should throw all the paint you can on it.”
~ Danny Kaye
I love this quote. Right away I picture a white canvas with all bright colors being spattered and swirled all over it. Life. Big, beautiful, exciting…..etc. Then I thought about what I’ve been throwing on my canvas these past few days.
If you follow this blog off of Facebook you might have noticed that since Wednesday it hasn’t been there. Typepad and Facebook have been having connection issues. I’ve been emailing back and forth with them, trying everything I could technically think of on my own, only to discover typepad has “two” of me and it’s confusing Facebook. Anyway, the issue still isn’t resolved. I was able to post two out of the last three days, and I’m not sure I can get this one to post.
This has been a very frustrating past three days and a lot of red paint has been splashed on my canvas in technological anger. Seriously? In this day and age I can’t click a button and publish on Facebook like I have for the past 800 posts? Anger. Oh yes. Frustration. Oh yes. Lots of angry red paint on my canvas.
Then, on another note, it’s been so nice having my Boston daughter here for the weekend to go to the game with us tomorrow. Lots of bright yellow paint for the warm conversations we had last night and today. The game – oh yes- that gets thrown on the canvas, too. Bright green, purple, blue and a bunch of colors in between to express the excitement of going to the AFC Championship game tomorrow. Throw on some hot orange for 50 yard line, fourth row seats behind the Patriot bench. (We only have two tickets – my husband and daughter are going into the game while I chill at Chickie Flynn’s bar – way better than chilling in 29 degrees and high winds on the field.) Throw on some cozy light blue paint for how comfortable I’m going to be in front of the big screen. A white canvas – flooded with colors. So maybe all the colors aren’t happy, but the final picture is spectacular anyway.
What about your canvas today? What colors got thrown on it? Perhaps a bit of anger? Some joy? A pinch of sadness? A blob of excitement? Just throw as much paint as you can on it everyday, and in the end? A masterpiece.
And so, as another day goes by, splat, blob, swish, swirl, color by color, day by day, my portrait is being painted, and…I have written.
Painting: “Life” by Me 🙂
