I am at the Braintree T stop just outside of Boston waiting for my daughter's train. She just let me know she's going to be late, so I sit here thinking about how much better I feel today after a rough week.
Everyday this week has been hard. Extreme muscle fatigue and mental lethargy plagued me and kept me in a chair most days. I had no impetus to get up and do anything. This happens every January or early February, but never to this extent. I usually attribute it to the flu trying desperately to get me and my flu shot is putting up the defenses.
I was okay with that on Wednesday, but when yesterday was even worse, I began to get a little concerned because these were my exact symptoms when depression confined me to that chair for three solid months. Once you've been there, it's like touching a hot stove – you don't ever want to do that again and the fear sits in the back of your mind. Then I stumbled upon an article in a magazine they gave away at fit club. It was a magazine for runners, but the information could apply to any training or exercise program. The article was entitled "Striking A Balance" – overtraining can bring running performance to a halt, but how do you know when you're doing TOO MUCH?"
The word balance stopped me. I'm a big believer in balance. I try to achieve balance in every area of my life, so I read on. This is what I found:
"Optimal athletic performance is a result of both hard training and adequate recovery. In training, you break your body down again and again. Necessary for both the cardiovascular and muscular systems, periods of rest allow them to regenerate and come back stronger over a period of time. Overtraining becomes an issue when you stress those systems over and over again without allowing for adequate recovery. At some point your body and mind burnout and say enough is enough."
I knew all that, but it was the next part that really got me:
"Fatigue is one of the most common signs you may be overtrained. While it is normal to feel tired after hard workouts you shouldn't be feeling tired for months on end. Mental lethargy can also accompany a burned out body. While we all have our bad days, when a highly motivated athlete begins to show a consistent lack of interest in training, it may mean the brain is trying to tell you to back off."
Now I know I'm not a highly trained athlete, but my desire for yoga has wained a bit. I've been hitting both yoga and fit club hard during the week – sneaking in extra on weekends, and some days doing both. I remember this fatigue feeling showing up on and off since I've been hitting it so hard, and the symptoms describe how I feel. This week it was just a little more extreme than usual.
Maybe I need to cut back? Find my balance? I think maybe I shouldn't do doubles and cut it down to 3 fit club and 2 yoga per week.
And so, as another day goes by, yet again I learn that too much of anything – even a good thing, can quickly turn bad, and ….I have written.
Yes, tapping. What is tapping? Just what it says it is – tapping – like tapping your fingers on the table. So, why am I writing about something so ordinary? Because I've never heard of it before. I mean, I've heard about tapping your fingers on the table while nervous or bored, but I've never heard it used to heal yourself from things in your past that limit you.
Best selling author of "You Can Heal Your Life" and founder of Hay House Publishing, Louise Hay, believes tapping is a necessary, life-changing skill everyone should learn. Of course, if, like me, you've never come across tapping before, you don't have a clue of what I'm taking about, so here is a video of Louise doing an interview with Nick Ortner, the producer of the upcoming 5th Annual Tapping World Summit. (Yes, there have actually been four "world summits" on tapping.) Watch this:
This technique is supposed to be deeply powerful to going inward and using the inner power that we all possess to deal with things that we are holding onto from our past that is limiting our life potential today. I watched the video. I "tapped" along as they suggested. (I put in my own affirmations about things I'm having difficulty letting go of.) Did it help? Yes…but…..
I have a "but" that is derived from what I believe about how we humans work. Humans are made up up three parts: the body, the mind, and the spirit. To learn or change in any way, all three aspects of a person must be involved. Tapping, to me, is just another way to draw in the body part when trying to figure out a way, using our mind, to reach our spirit and accomplish healing or changing something we need to get past.
There are other ways that I believe work just as well as tapping. Writing morning pages includes the body in engaging with the mind and spirit. Yoga class integrates the body with the mind and the spirit to move us forward in our lives. When I taught young children the letter "A" I used tactile things such as writing it in sand, while saying the letter name, making the sound, visualizing the image, etc. This was a way of bringing the body into the learning along with the mind and spirit of the child.
Tapping various parts of your body, while reciting out loud, that past memory you are visualizing letting go of in your mind, is much the same thing as multi-sensory learning applied to situations and things that need changing or learning. As long as you go about including the body along with the mind and spirit, whichever way you choose to do that, it will facilitate the change.
Tapping just may be a very simple way of doing that for people who do not write or do yoga. When I said up above that it helped, (I felt better after doing it) I found I felt just like I do after my morning pages or yoga class, where my body was engaged in some physical way with my thoughts and my spirit.
So…..wanna try? I'm going to give it a go for a few days or so and see if there is some greater transformation that supersedes the benefits I get from yoga and morning pages. Join me. I'd love to hear if it makes a difference in your life, especially if you don't have that physical piece to your meditation routine and all of a sudden you add one.
And so, as another day goes by, I just walk into the sunset, scratching my head, saying, "Tapping……hmmm….what next?" and…..I have written.
Yesterday I took a day off. My daughters would laugh and say, "A day off from what? You don't work." Since they are still in the time of their lives when a typical job takes up five days a week, a day off to them just means you don't go to your place of work. When you don't work at a typical nine to five job, a day off means an entirely different thing.
Taking a day off when you don't change the venue means you have to change the day. My day usually consists of some form of exercise, which is important because my job involves a lot of sitting and shoulder hunching. Next I incorporate thinking and inspiration time in my day because being a writer and an artist requires a lot of ideas that can't be conjured up instantly facing a blank page or canvas. Another potion of my day involves education. Since I am new to the crafts of writing and illustrating, I need to spend countless hours hunting down knowledge. Being alone in my house all week involves finding ways to connect with other artists and writers to learn from and broaden my own horizons, so another part of my day includes correspondence – writing and answering emails, etc. In addition to all those parts that must be attended to, I must actually sit down to either write or draw. When a project is finished, next comes the season of publishing and marketing. So you can see, that although I don't venture out to a place of business or school of any type, taking a day off is just not a matter of staying home.
My busy Sunday and Monday prompted my day off, in fact, kept beckoning me to take it, but because my projects are laid out here, at home, all around me, I wouldn't listen. Sunday and Monday involved going to Boston each day for different things, and going to Boston for anything is a twelve hour day, no matter what you're going up there from the Cape to do. I don't like my weekly routine messed with and had every intention of getting back into my normal routine yesterday as quickly as possible. Tuesday morning was going to be back to yoga and I'd be off and running. So I thought.
I woke up and was still tired from my two day city adventures, so I decided no morning yoga. I'll go at night. I planned to get up and get a big piece of work done and be ready to go relax in yoga at night. I sat in my rocking chair and planned out in my head what I was going to work on after coffee and breakfast, but when the time came my body didn't move. And so it went with each thing I attempted throughout the day. When it came time to go to night yoga, I got my things together and just knew this wasn't going to happen. The biggest thing I did all day was take a shower and that was a lot of work.
All day, not moving, not even opening the door to go out and get the paper, I sat and actually felt my blood pooling all over my body and moving like slow river on a summer day. You know that commercial where they say a body in motion stays in motion and a body that's still stays still? There's truth in that.
It was so NOT me on a Tuesday that I was beginning to worry that this flu thing might be attacking me. I decided to wait until today to see if things improved on the movement front. Thank goodness this morning I was up and dressed, ready for fit club. After an excellent workout I really felt my blood moving fast through my brain again. On the drive home the ideas for the next part of my illustrating project came with full force. It was a full day, ending with Writer's Night Out tonight. Body back in motion.
Sometimes your body just won't move. It's telling you to take a day off. Take it out of motion. Rest. Relax. Do nothing. Nap. Read something that doesn't educate or have anything to do with work. Drink tea. Meditate on your breath. Let the body that's still, be still.
And so, as another day goes by, there's time enough tomorrow to set things back in motion, and….I have written.
Photo: Mine – View from my chair – subliminal message?
This morning I read a post by Jennifer Boykin. (I follow her blog – she's really quite intuitive in a way I connect with) Her blog name, Life After Tampons, causes a few smiles, but it's the tag line that hits me where I need it to – "Quit your bitching – change your life." Blunt and to the point. I need that.
In her posts Jennifer always includes a "tweetable" line. In this post it was:
"What are you doing that contributes to the broken part of your life?"
The rest of the post encouraged us readers to take a hard look in the mirror and answer that with complete truth. (Notice she says what are YOU doing, not what are OTHERS doing to you.)
It just so happened that yesterday morning, before I embarked upon my jaunt to Boston, I had one of those moments. My head is always filled with visions of who I want to be, what I want to accomplish, and how I'm going to get there. My artwork is something I always longed to perfect and get better at. With this illustrating project, that is even more important to do now. Modeling my illustrator friend, Lynne Chapman, gave me some ideas as to what I'm supposed to be doing. One thing she does is carry a sketchbook and sketch everywhere. Her quick sketches look like major pieces of art – especially the people. They look like portraits that took hours instead of minutes. I read her blog and she describes how she passes time on the train sketching people around her. That idea stuck in my head all week and yesterday morning the thought crossed my mind that I should take a sketchbook with me on the train. No…..I'm not that good. I can't sketch on a train ride. Forget that idea. Then I packed my tiny travel bag.
While packing my bag, I thought to myself that this is how I sabotage my road to getting better at something. I let fear and doubt creep in and ultimately what needs to get done, which is PRACTICE, I effectively put an end to. Right there I realized just what Jennifer's "tweetable" meant – here is how I contribute to the broken parts of my life.
I'm happy to say that that my actions preceded the blog. I stopped packing the little bag. Thought about my pocket sized sketchbook that I never used, sitting in a drawer, and switched bags. I dug out the sketchbook and pencil, packed them and told myself I didn't have to actually use them. Sitting on the train they were burning a hole in my bag by the time the train started moving. It's an hour to Boston, but what I didn't realize that in this trip we ride 5 minutes to Plymouth and sit on the train for 35 minutes. We were sitting there and I thought at first we were broken down. Then I got to thinking, the train left at ten, but I'm not getting to Boston until almost twelve. Did I read the schedule wrong? I checked it on my phone and sure enough it's right on the schedule – we sit for over half an hour in Plymouth. Well, that was enough to push me to get out the sketchbook and sketch the random guy sleeping across the isle.
Again, I surprised myself. I was able to quickly sketch a live person on a moving train, in a short time, and have it resemble a person. I now know I need to get into the habit of sketching something random everyday to build the small skills in shading and perspective that can only be acquired through practice.
It's great motivation to visualize something, but it's quite another to commit to actions needed to bring it to fruition. You would think writing this blog everyday to perfect my writing would make that concept easily transferable. No. Not with me. That's why I love Jennifer's blog with her blunt punch line. Here's the link so you can check it out:
And so, as another day goes by, before I do another thing I'm grabbing the sketchbook and quickly sketching the snowman in front of me, and….I have written.
Photo: sketch of Random Sleeping Guy
Below: These really helped drive the sketchbook point home !
Today I ventured to Boston and the 60 degree, sunny weather required anything but an umbrella, but by the time I was on the commuter rail home at 5 pm, I still needed them. Not only one, but a bunch.
About a week ago a Boston mom of a very gifted eight year old who aspires to be an author, found me on the Cape Cod Children's Writers website and sent me an email. Seems she was looking to start a program for children in her area that want to write, but she is not a teacher. She had a really great idea to do a test run on February school vacation and wanted to know if I had any interest in helping her out. The email came just a day after I discussed with my husband the possibility of doing just that here on the cape.
We met in Boston for lunch today to discuss the possibilities. We met at Cafeteria on Newbury Street and connected immediately with each other and with the best grilled cheese and tomato soup I ever had. We each had what the other needed to start a project like this. She has the room and the business and advertising part, and I have the teaching part and no clue about the business part. By the time our three hour lunch was over and we hugged goodbye, we had the beginning of a business plan and doing this over February break was fast becoming a reality.
I then turned and found myself with a gorgeous spring-like afternoon on Newbury Street and decided to relax a bit and take myself on a little "artist date". Walking along, taking in the sights and sounds of the city, I was in disbelief how many new opportunities and new people God blessed my life with in these first few days of the brand new year. This young authors project, coming on the heels of the opportunity to illustrate a picture book, (something I never thought I'd find myself doing) were just a few reasons I needed umbrellas today.
As soon as the calendar flipped to 2013, the universe opened up and showered me with both wonderful new opportunities, and some challenges, too. If you look closely at my umbrellas, they are upside down. Instead of shielding me from all this pelting down from the heavens, today my umbrellas are being used to catch all the blessings.
If some challenges and tough roads are beginning your new year, turn your umbrellas upside down. Catch them and embrace them. Each experience holds new people, new relationships, new opportunities to help others, along with change and growth to ready you for spring and a new growing season. Even if it's a bit uncomfortable at first, don't snap your umbrella shut or hover beneath it. Give it a chance. Open umbrellas hold your possibilities for new directions this year and by shielding yourself from the hard stuff, or refusing to partake in what is being laid out before you, you could miss out on some of the best blessings life has to hold.
And so, as another day goes by, I give gratitude for the new friend I made today, for the excitement of new projects, for the opportunity to enjoy this spring day in the middle of January up in the city, and….I have written.
Photo: Mine. Taken at Country Gardens in Hyannis when we went to get our Xmas wreath.
Upside down umbrellas….everybody needs some….
Today my husband got tickets to the New England/Houston playoff game from work. The tickets were clubhouse seats with parking right outside the door. We got here early and walked around Patriot place, met a couple from Canada attending their very first live NFL game, had a quick drink in the CBS Scene with some very nice Houston fans, then made our way up into the clubhouse.
I’m seated at a table next to a window looking right out onto the field. At the moment the place is going wild because Atlanta just beat the Seahawks by a field goal in the last 13 seconds of the game. My husband and the friends from Canada just went to our outside seats and I elected to keep the table and watch the game from in here. I can’t have a more perfect seat! This is the best game I’ve ever been to. It’s now 23 minutes until kickoff.
8 minutes to kickoff! The Pats just came out on the field amid fireworks as they emerged from the big blow-up helmet. National anthem is next. And now…kickoff! Go Pats! Agh! First play- Texans run kickoff back 94 yards! Oh dear! Here we go! Phew! They only got a field goal. I gotta watch now. Enjoy the game!
And so, as another day goes by, win or lose, it’s the experience that counts, living in the moment and all that, (shhh….don’t tell my husband I said that) and….I have written.
Photos: My view of the field, my husband standing just outside the window (red sweatshirt), helmet, lighthouse with flag in it, fireworks….
Yes, "that space". You know it. It pops up everywhere. It's "that space" between being almost done and actually being done – that place where you want quit because you just know you can't do it. "That space" pops up in 90 minutes of yoga everyday. I hit rabbit and I'm positively sure I can't make it three more postures to spine twist. It pops up in a two month long period of illustrating a children's book. I get the book laid out. I make a thumbnail map. I sketch the hero. I begin the thumbnails, do three, and decide maybe I can't complete this when I think of turning each thumbnail into a major work of art. It pops up in a two-year long ordeal of detaching with love in a relationship that no longer fits. I go weeks doing well, then the tug of war between me and God starts. I wrestle it all back, begin to doubt myself, and give it back to God, only to start again in a few weeks time. Whether it's 90 minutes, 2 months, or 2 years, that space always shows up. Yes, I know you know "that space".
What I have recently figured out about being in "that space" is that's the place they're talking about in all those inspirational quotes that that tell you to push through when your back is against the wall. In the new music video by The Script that I saw this morning, it is the place where the dancer puts her forehead against the mirror, almost succumbing to the odds of a deaf girl becoming a prima ballerina. When I end up in "that space", it's an ah..ha moment for me – sooooo….that's "the space" they meant.
Examining "that space" changed my attitude when I'm in it. Instead of more moaning and groaning about how I cannot do this one more minute, I stop and feel it and think that THIS is the exact time all that inspiration is talking about. THIS is how it feels. Now – stop the pity party and push on through. Get through those last three poses, even if they are not perfect. Draw that next picture – keep in mind it doesn't have to be used. Let go of taking back control, playing the victim, and manipulation and let God deal with it by attending to and participating in all the new blessings He brings to my life everyday.
Feel that space. Move through it. Don't get stuck there. Finish. It'd be great to finish strong, but for now, just finishing will do. Meeting a goal is great, but how it has changed your very core by the time spent in "that space" is the essence of the journey.
And so, as a other day goes by, I love saying, "So this is what they meant", it is a sign of new growth, and….I have written.
"When I look into your eyes,
It's like watching the night sky,
Or a beautiful sunrise,
There's so much they hold….
And just like them old stars,
I see that you've come so far,
To be right where you are,
How old is your soul?
Well I won't give up on us,
Even if the skies get rough,
I'm giving you all my love,
I'm still lookin' up.
And when you're needing your space,
To do some navigating,
I'll be here patiently waiting,
To see what you find….
Cause even the stars they burn,
Some even fall to the Earth,
We got a lot to learn,
But God knows we're worth it…..
No…I won't give up…
I don't want to be someone who walks away so easily I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make….
Our differences they do a lot to teach how to use the tools and gifts we got…we got a lot at stake… And in the end you're still my friend, at least we did intend for us to work, we didn't break, we didn't burn, we had to learn, how to bend, without the world caving in, I had to learn what I got, and who I am, and what I'm not…..
I won't give up on us,
Even if the sky's get rough,
Giving you all my love,
Still looking up….still looking up….
I won't give up on us,
God knows I'm tough enough,
We got a lot to learn,
God knows we're worth it,
I won't give up on us,
Even if the sky's get rough,
I'm still lookin' up……." ~ I Won't Give Up
by Jason Mraz…..
….is the song my painting tonight represents……
And so, as another day goes by, just a reminder you can't ever give up on the things you love….not ever….and I have written (and painted).
I have, over two years time doing Bikram yoga 3-4 times a week, become very comfortable with camel pose. Today was no exception. I went into the pose, without fear, because I have come to trust my teachers to not leave me there for more than 20 seconds. I came out of the pose and laid down for savasana. The teacher said (as they all do time and again), “If you’re sick or nauseous, dizzy, or just feel weird – don’t worry, you did it right!” I always smile thinking how newbies think they going to get some sympathy for how they feel coming out of camel and they’re just told they did it right.
Camel is not only a physical pose. It’s a deeply emotional one. It brings up a lot of stuff, both physical and emotional and brings it to the surface. I once cried for no reason coming out of camel – be it something I was holding onto and needed to release, or just a huge amount of pent up stress going its own way – I couldn’t say. Today coming out of camel was pretty uneventful, but when the teacher said, “You did it right”, I laid down in savasana thinking how pushing through all the bad, hard, camels over the years has really taught me to weather the hard things in life. There are things occurring in my life today that I did not do a good job with managing before I started Bikram. Managing camels has taught me to manage fear and remain diligent until the storm passes, instead of throwing myself into an emotional wringer and making myself and everyone around me miserable. I have a close family member battling cancer right now. Instead of falling apart and having everyone take care of me, too, I think of being in camel, and push on through so maybe I could be of assistance to my family.
When hard things come, camel teaches perseverance and trust, builds endurance, and manages fear. So, today, when my very wise teacher, Mark, said, “You did it right”, I laid down and thought to myself, yes, I did, didn’t I?
And so, as another day goes by, my Bikram class is so much more than yoga, and….I have written.
Below: I follow both of these blogs. Like A Flower Petal Blooming describes exactly why I say “Bikram is so much more than yoga” and Hell Bent describes the function of camel perfectly! Another yoga information site is Jen Reviews. Her latest post on18 Amazing Benefits of Yoga, According to Science is so informative that I am sharing it with my health club clients! Namaste!
Today I found my inbox just TOO full. Sound familiar? So I went on a little hunt down into what I call the "bowels" of the box. This is the place that I "save" important stuff for future use, but it seems like "future" comes and goes and these "important" words take up residence here. In my search today I came across a newsletter for creative sorts that I get every few months. It's called "Root Notes" and it's written by Keith Jenninngs. I subscribed more than a year ago and for me to keep getting it, it has to inspire and have real value to what I do everyday.
I got this particular one in December. (Been awhile since I've seen the bottom of that inbox.) I kept this one because it made a major impact on me, as a writer, and it just had to be shared. It touched some deep convictions I have about my writing and reminded me of just why I do this blog everyday. It is particularly timely in relation to a comment I got on my blog in the challenge this week. It was very complimentary on both my topic and writing style, from a person who does not know me. After rereading this copy of Root Notes, it really hit home that our writing must be of a quality that stands on its own, without our readers even knowing who we are.
Keith also hits on a few more major points that make a writer say "ouch". Just the title is enough to make you wince:
"My 5 Artistic Sins (And How I Overcome Them)
He is a very thoughtful and insightful person. I love the challenges he sets for himself in his own writing. I think they are so important for those of us in this discipline, that in addition to sharing them with you, I am printing them out and hanging them on a mirror to read each day while brushing my teeth. (My readers know this is a time when my deepest thinking occurs.) So, for all you writers out there – here is the challenge in 2013:
