Tonight my husband and I ventured out into the pouring rain to go see Les Miserables. We got there early and grabbed our large bucket of popcorn, which we put a pretty good dent in before we even got inside the theatre. Once inside, it was gone before the trailers were finished. That's okay, because I now know the popcorn isn't for the movie. I don't want to eat or be bothered when I'm engrossed in a story. The popcorn is to keep me entertained for the forty minutes I have to wait for it to start. There. Once I came to terms with that, I don't have to feel guilty by eating it all before the movie starts.
Speaking of coming to terms with things, that's what this whole movie is all about. It's amazing that even back in the revolutionary times in that age, the basic battle of good and evil drives the story. Trust, courage, bravery, honesty and integrity are all on the line in this story.(I couldn't help thinking how much easier it would've been if they had Twitter.)
Those qualities are magnified by the amazing production. The talent and signing was above and beyond what I thought could be taken from the live stage and reproduced on the big screen. All in all, I loved it and would highly recommend it for an evening out.
Now, as far as the specifics go, I have a writer friend who actually has a movie critic blog. She does a way better job than I could ever do for you in delivering an in depth review of the the production and the acting. (I'm can't even remember the names of the cast members and I just read her blog on this movie this morning.). So, to get the real skinny on this movie, go to:
And so, as another day goes by, Les Mis on a miserable night outside was fun, glad to be home tucked in front of the fire with wine and my hubby's home made nachos, and …I have written.
Today's art work:
Playing with oil paint on the ArtRage app.
Look at the thickness of the paint and how it blends. So cool!
Melody Beattie knows more about life and what makes us do the things we do than any other writer on such things that I have ever read. When you read her work, you just nod your head and keep repeating things like, “I know! I know!” and “That’s me! That’s me!” She has done an amazing amount of personal work in the area of recovery – recovery from EVERYTHING – not just substance abuse. She shares the things she’s lived and learned in such a real way that connects the human spirit like no other author I know.
I have read and blogged about her work for two years now, so why am I sighting her with such reverence today? Because today, on the cusp of a year ending, and another beginning, she depicted EXACTLY where I am in my two year trek of climbing out of some heavy muck. If I wrote it myself, I couldn’t convey where I am any better than she does in her post from “The Language of Letting Go” for December 27:
Near The Top
“I know your tired. I know you feel overwhelmed. You may feel as if this problem, this crisis, this hard time will last forever.
It won’t. You are almost through.
You don’t just think it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been tested, tried, and retested on what you have learned.
Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire. You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more. You have had to have faith when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe. Others around you have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were hoping you could believe.
You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you. Sometimes what motivated you was anger; sometimes fear.
Things went wrong – more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were obstacles, frustrations, and annoyances en route. You did not plan on this being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.
Yet, it has been good. Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you things were out of whack and crazy, that there was no plan or purpose, that God had forgotten you.
So much has happened, and each incident – the most painful, the most troubling, the most surprising – has a connection. You are beginning to see and sense that.
You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now you are learning the secret – they were meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you had expected.
You didn’t believe it would take this long, either – did you? You have learned patience.
You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.
You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you were abandoned. Now you know you have been guided.
Now things are coming into place. You are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is almost complete. You know – the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn. Yes, that one. You have almost mastered it.
You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level.
You have climbed a mountain. It has not been easy, but mountain climbing is never easy. Now, you are near the top. A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.
Steady your shoulders. Breathe deeply. Move forward in confidence and peace. Time is coming to relish and enjoy all you have fought for. The time is drawing near, finally.
I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn that it wasn’t. But now, the reward is coming. You know that too. You can feel it.
Your struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution.
Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on Earth. Enjoy.
There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you have learned the secret of what is at the top.”
My prayer, to move on into 2013 is the same as the one Beattie writes at the end of this post, and so, as another year goes by:
“Today I will accept where I am and continue to push forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, God, understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me meet challenges that will move me upward and forward.”
There is no better way to end a year and begin a new one than by seeing how far you have come, realizing where you are now, and facing the where you need to go, maybe grab this book to take your own journey in 2013, and….I have written.
My Sensu brush came! I’m having too much fun to even write. I’m experimenting across three different apps. The features are all different and the possibilities are endless. I have no idea what I’m doing, but the discovering is so much fun. It’s very different with a brush as opposed to a stylus and tonight I’m learning about the pressure and the different effects it creates. So cool!
And so, as another day goes by, here are a few of my latest creations, and….I have written.
Today was just plain fun. I went to fit club in the morning, and Bikram yoga at night. I can't tell you how good that felt after two days traversing the highways from Cape Cod, to Boston and back again. After a lot of time in the car plus a lot of sitting, eating and drinking, and NO exercise, it sure felt good to be home. Driving back from yoga tonight, that's all I kept repeating. It. Is. Good. To. Be. Home. as the song on the radio sang "you put your arms around me and I'm home". The feeling was exhilarating.
The next thing that made today fun was playing with my new iPad Mini. I went out and got a cool keyboard case and spent the afternoon playing with a new painting app. I am enamored with painting on a touch screen. I have a real paintbrush ordered that works on a screen. It didn't come yet, so I played around with it with my stylus, but you can't get the amount of control you can get with a brush. I'm just trying to learn the workings of the app so it didn't matter, but I can't wait for my brush to get here.
Two things were made clear by my fun day. One, I never realized the big part exercise plays in my life until I go without it, and two, it's essential to take a day and just play. Today I felt like a kindergartener with an easel and a paintbrush and no plan. On the app you can make journals, with pages in them and covers to keep your work in. I made my first journal and called it Experimenting. I'm going to keep all my fun work in there that teaches me how to use the features of the app and the paintbrush, when it comes.
It's such a stress-buster to totally paint, draw, do music, write, etc. even if you think you can't do any of those things. Now we have iPads and you can try them for fun, with no equipment needed, and keep your work for your eyes only, if you so choose. I don't so choose because I need to be accountable in order to learn how to do something new. The only way I can learn it is to commit to it, just like I learned a lot about writing by committing to do this blog everyday. I have to commit to a sketch a day from today to January 31. I will commit to adding a sketch/painting on the bottom of this blog and we'll watch my progress.
It's almost 2013. Why not commit to just trying something new? If you want to try the painting (you don't need a brush, your finger is fine on your iPad) the app is called Paper 53 and the brush is called a Sensu brush. I've included a link to a short video below so you can see what I'm trying to learn.
What new thing are you going to try to learn in 2013? Tell me your idea below. Can you commit to a schedule for learning it? Can you hold yourself accountable?
And so, as another day goes by, exercising and learning new things add some fun to life, here is my first creation, (kind of looks like a kindergartner did it) and….I have written.
Today was an odd kind of Christmas day. I had to drive my daughter back to Boston for work tomorrow, after which I proceeded to the cape, followed by my husband, where we will spend the rest of the holiday week. After I dropped her off and headed south on 95 towards Cape Cod, my heart was a little heavy. I hated leaving her at a T stop on Christmas day and here I was, driving alone, listening to Christmas carols on the radio.
My mind wandered back to Christmas days in years past. Most were fun, cozy and comfortable. We'd spend the day making a ham dinner, playing with the toys and games, having the grandparents come over to exchange gifts, then while away the long afternoon (sometimes in a blizzard) playing the annual game of Monopoly. I used to go to a lot of time, trouble, money and anxiety to achieve that kind of Christmas day where the house was clean, the gifts were just right, and the food was perfect. (That part would mainly be due to my husband's effort.)
Then there were some Christmas days that weren't so great. One, I had the flu. Another, when the girls were little, my husband was called to work at 8 am for an emergency and was gone most of the day. Christmas of 2000 my husband's dad passed away and the wake was on Christmas eve and the funeral was the day after Christmas and we spent Christmas day readying for that. Then there were the ones where a major snowstorm would thwart our plans of leaving for the Cape the day after Christmas and we spent Christmas day cleaning driveways at two houses. Last year my husband was ill and we couldn't go to NY for the big family dinner. The four of us had Christmas out here at the Cape.
Strangely, those not so good Xmases made me remember that it was not about the day being perfect. It's not about the food and the gifts and state of the house. The pang of loneliness I felt when I pulled out of that T stop reminded me it's about the people we spend the day with – no matter what we did – whether it was playing Monopoly, shoveling snow, being ill, or planning a funeral. Whatever we did, we did it together.
I think that's what caused me to pause today as I drove back to the ocean alone. We woke up and had breakfast together, but by 10 am we headed our separate ways. A few years ago that would have caused me to raise a fuss and maybe throw a little tantrum that my Christmas day simply cannot be the way I wanted it to be. This morning there was nothing I wanted more than to spend one more day in that tiny apartment playing a game and having dinner with the girls. This was our first Christmas day apart.
But alas, life intervenes. I have come to be tolerant and accepting of what is to be, beyond my control. I turned up the Christmas music and remembered what the Charles Dickens quote that I read this morning said about Christmas time as a time apart from the traditions the holiday represents. It's a good time, where people put aside their differences and attitudes and pull each other along in this life we live.
This year our day didn't really resemble a Christmas day at all, but we were all safe and warm at our various destinations, well-fed, happy with our gifts and our brief time together. My daughter texted me she was home safe, cuddled on her couch with Netflix, guacamole and chips for her Xmas dinner, and was happy to be home. My husband and I arrived at the cape house within minutes of each other and are settled and fed in front of our own hearth. My other daughter was happy spending the day with a friend's family. We weren't together for the first time, but we were safe and happy. I can't ask for more.
As each year passes and life situations change, I feel a shift in the tide within my soul. The various emotions that come with that shift no longer overtake me or scare me, nor do I give in to them anymore. I now know this as a signal for new growth and I'm being prepared for what lies ahead. It is important to be still and become a part of what is washing over me instead of becoming exhausted (and exhausting to others) by fighting the wave.
I'm finally learning that peace on earth and good will toward men really does begin with me.
And so, as another Christmas day goes by, I hope however your day was spent, it was spent in peace, and…I have written.
Tonight is our family celebration at my sister’s house. We are together here in NY and I hope your Xmas eve evening is as special as mine.
The room looks gorgeous. The family is gathered and laughing together before dinner. After dinner we open gifts. After the gifts we indulge in egg nog. After the egg nog we get quiet. The enormity of what took place tonight so many years ago descends on us. Then…..
And so, as another day goes by, my godchild steals the Jesus moment, we all dissolve in laughter, and …I have written.
This morning I found the best solution for describing and dealing with the chatter we let go on in our minds, that eventually takes over how we act, which in turn determines how we feel. In Bikram yoga we often talk about shutting down the chatter in our mind that tries to incite panic and make us want to quit and run out of the room.
Battling this chatter has always been a nemesis for me, not only in yoga, but in my relationships. I make up stories and scenarios in my mind that I end up believing are unequivocally true. I completely fabricate what the other person is thinking and then find myself wanting to react, and/or argue with what I have built in my mind.
When I read this today I began shouting in the back of my mind, “That’s me! That’s me!” Actually, I think this is all of us, and with the next few days spent with family, it carries a timely message.
And so, as another day goes by, here’s some great advice from the book “Unglued” by Lysa TerKeurst, and ….I have written.
QUIETING THE INSIDE CHATTER
If honor, encouragement and love are the characteristics of the friendships I want in my life, I need to foster these characteristics in my relationships. One way to do this relates to the matter of inside chatter.
Today I was going to write a serious post about having adult children in today’s times. I read a magazine article this morning that had some interesting points, so I threw it in my bag on my way out the door to go to NY with my daughter for the holidays, figuring I’ll write the post tonight when I get there.
We weren’t on the road twenty minutes and the Facebook banter between the two girls started. My daughter in NY commented on my yesterday’s post and my daughter who was in the car with me answered back:
NY daughter: “Mom you are sweet. You must miss your favorite daughter???”
Boston daughter: “She doesn’t cuz I’m sitting right next to her! Muhahaha…”
Then my sister is posting “Wrapping presents, playing with puppies, baking bread!” (We spend Xmas eve at her house and she loves it)
Then the two girls again:
NY daughter calls Boston daughter and the end of the conversation goes:
NY daughter: “Don’t annoy me before I even get there.”
Me: “Haha! You should’ve asked her if she wanted to talk to me!”
Boston daughter: “Are you staying with us tonight?”
NY daughter: “Will there be food?”
And now, here, all of us at dinner discussing what we got people for Xmas and it turned out that I mistakenly bought an inappropriate gift for someone and we were laughing so hard I was on the floor in tears……
We’ve had dinner, wine, and so begins another Bartosik family holiday in this tiny NY apartment with both kids on a futon and an air mattress in an 8×8 space that also includes the Xmas tree….and….
There’s no way I can be serious tonight.
And so, as another day goes by, that’s all I have to say about adult children in today’s times, tonight is the hardest I’ve laughed all year, and..I have written.
Last night I was watching the X Factor finals. I've been pulling for Carly since I saw her audition back in September. Last night she sang a Xmas song and after that there was a tribute from her classmates, piano teacher, and family. They all couldn't believe they were seeing her on TV. They were so proud and supportive of her.
I sat here trying to imagine how they felt tonight. Then I thought of my own two girls. They're not pop stars on TV. They do not sing. One is a special education teacher in upstate NY and the other is a graphic designer in Boston. But you know what? I was just as proud as those parents on that show. In different venues, my girls have worked and fought just as hard to get where they are today in this world and this economy. They slayed the competition in their respective fields for their jobs. Their performances were a cut above the rest. They both showed dedication, perseverance, determination, and were forces to be reckoned with.
They are true rock stars in my book. I am as proud of them and what they have done with their lives as Mrs. Sonenclar is about Carly. I sit here tonight, just like her, and know both of my daughters have extremely bright futures and they didn't even have to go on TV or win five million dollars to do it. They just had to love themselves, believe in themselves, and go for that brass ring they envisioned since high school.
Erin and Ashley, I'm so proud to call you two beautiful young women my daughters. Everyday I look at your photos and think about how much I admire you and all you have accomplished. You may think I have taught you a lot, but it is the both of you who have been my finest teacher. Through you I learned to be patient, non-judgemental, a listener instead of a speaker, to kick self-pity to the curb, to always stop and examine both sides, to love life and attack it with a vengeance, just you both do, to get back up and try no matter what happens, and, most of all, you taught me what unconditional love is. To me, that is a Rockstar performance.
And so, as another day goes by, here's to you my babygirls, I love you more than you know, tonight I dedicated this post to you, and…I have written.
Tuesday I had a really bad Bikram class. My arms were just not performing and I was weak and fatigued. I knew it was going to be a tough because I did fit club on Monday morning, Bikram Monday night, and was back in the studio in less than 15 hours. I tried to be conscious of replenishing water and electrolytes, but I never know if I’m successful until I’m in class. Been here, done this many times in the last month. It was one of those classes where, at the end of it, I was glad I lived I only 5 miles from the studio. It was one of those days where I seriously could’ve been a danger on the road.
Today was a different story. Same teacher, same room conditions, but I had an entirely different class. I had taken yesterday off and gave my body a chance to recover. Nearing the end of class I was remembering how I was feeling at that same point on Tuesday. On Tuesday I was blaming everything. The teacher was holding the poses longer, she wouldn’t open the door or windows, she’s torturing me on purpose, she’s making me suffer and have a bad class, I changed my spot and it’s hotter over here, etc…..and on and on it went in my head until I dizzily drove myself home and collapsed.
Yet today was the same teacher, she taught the same way, AND she didn’t open a door or window even once (she did open the door a couple of times on Tuesday) and today I was rocking the mat. It was a perfect class. So, who’s fault was my bad time on Tuesday?
Seems when I’m pushed to my most miserable point, it can’t be my fault. I would never treat myself that way, so it must be the teacher. My performance today clearly debunked that theory. The way I perform in class, despite the teacher or the spot or the condition of the room depends entirely what I bring to the mat on any given day.
Could there be times in life when I’ve been pushed to my emotional limit, but due to what I brought to the situation at that moment, quickly assigned blame to everyone else involved, but me?
These are some of the things Bikram yoga teaches, and a great example of just how it does that – with no mood music or chanting or affirmations. (Not that I have anything against those things, I just prefer the bare truths of living to be laid out clear and concise, in my sweat, on the mat.) As my body moves and I feel each muscle change and react differently from class to class, I become so aware of not only physical changes taking place, but deep emotional ones too, without a teacher preaching a lesson. The lessons come through the practice and are individual and detailed to everyone in the class. The person next to me is experiencing entirely different things and this is evidenced in our comparisons after class. Tuesday others rocked that class and today others had a rough time. The blame is all relevant to what each of us arrived with and dumped out on our mats before class started.
It’s been said that shooters take others out with them because they blame everyone else for their miserable plights. Maybe, if they had been encouraged to learn about blame, from a young age, on a yoga mat, their adult perspectives might be different.
And so, as another day goes by, it’s important to “take it to the mat”, throw it down, wrestle with it, then finally internalize it, and …..I have written.
