Watching the AMA's on Sunday night, I was so impressed by Pink's performance of the song Try off of her new album, that I had to download the song immediately. I posted that on Facebook and got an immediate response from my daughter – "Dear God.." . This…coming from a Nicki Minaj fan. Need I say more?
My daughter Erin and I have never seen eye to eye when it comes to music, but when it comes to "life" we are best friends. My daughter Erin is one of (the other would be her sister, Ashley) THE smartest and THE most sincere person I have ever met in the arena of life. Since she was born she has challenged me to step up and be the best Mom and the best person I could possibly be. Her younger sister Ashley is lucky that Erin was born first. Erin demanded that I "Try". She would accept no less. In her middle school years she made me earn everything. She never gave me a free pass. If I was to be HER Mom, I would have to earn that position. Throughout her life with me, Erin never let me get away with being "the victim". She demanded more of me. She required me to be the best that I could be, even in times of extreme duress and I couldn't see what I was actually capable of, she made me step up.
If there was ever a daughter that I was grateful for, it's my Erin. The first born child teaches you things no one else can, boy or girl – the first born has a foothold. They get you raw. Before you even know a fu%#ing thing about being an adult – much less a parent. The first-born teaches you that you have to step up. Time to put yourself aside and exist totally for the betterment of someone else. SHOCKER! You are not number one anymore. Your comforts and well-being don't matter anymore. Their siblings that follow them owe them a big thank you. First-borns pave the way. They make the life of their siblings much easier. They made Mom and Dad realize they are not the important ones here. The next 20 years will be spent doing whatever it takes to get all of you kids educated and settled in a life where you can take care of yourself, make good decisions, and become an upstanding member of society.
Another words – as parents – first-borns teach us to TRY. Thank you, Pink, for reminding me of that by your AMA performance last night. Willy is lucky to have you for a Mom, but I'm sure she'll bring you to your knees and teach you, too, as Erin has taught me.
And so, as another day goes by, with Thanksgiving on our heels, I have to say I'm thankful for both of my girls and all they bring to my life, and…I have written.
Follow your passion, follow your passion, follow your passion. Repeat. Follow your passion.
That mantra has been the cornerstone of career advice for the last twenty years. In fact, I myself gave out that very same advice to my daughter, who is now a graphic designer in Boston. When she was in tenth grade in high school, she came to me one day and said, "Mom, I'm scared. All my friends seem to know what they want to do for college and careers and I don't have a clue what I want to do." I told her to look around her life and pick something she enjoys and figure out how to make a career out of it, because she will be doing that everyday for the rest of her life. She told me she loved her computer (she had just gotten her very first Mac) and I told her to go make that into a career. It worked for her, thank goodness.
I recently came across the idea that "follow your passion" is NOT the best career advice you can give someone, in a newsletter for writers and authors, Root Notes by Keith Jennings. The path, for that tenth grader, now successful graphic designer for a large company, was not simply "I want to be a graphic designer" and go apply for a job in that field. Without all the in-between years of hard work and hard knocks, today wouldn't be possible. Yes, realizing that she enjoyed time on her computer was a stepping stone, but stepping on different stones along the journey allowed her find the artist that was hidden within that she, nor her father and I, ever knew existed. By chance, in ninth grade she took an art course for an elective and it was the art teacher that discovered her artistic ability and brought it out into the light of day. Realizing she enjoyed the computer and discovering her talent as an artist worked together to lead her to step on many more stones in order to figure out graphic design was her career of choice and passion.
My own writing career is an incubator to watch this process manifest itself all over again. I did try to do what the "follow your passion" mantra suggests. I retired. Created a writing room. Bought a new computer and said, "Now I'm a writer". Is it any wonder why, for a whole year, I could not even write one word? I now see that I needed to go through the process of trial and error and hop on and off of many stepping stones, over three years to get to the point of writing and submitting books. This blog is one huge trial and error stepping stone. Without it I would have never guessed that I have so much to say, that even one day cannot go by wihout me writing it. (Nailed my blog title, huh?)
The Root Notes newsletter cited a wonderful video of Cal Newport speaking at the World Domination Summit 2012. His topic is "Don't Follow Your Passion". The video is worth watching, especially if your question, or the question of your resident high-schooler is "How do I find my passion?" Oh so many years ago I don't know where I got the wisdom to answer my daughter and have it just happen to be the right one. The part I never gave a passing thought to was the process involved in her journey, and now in my current journey. This video is a must for high school and college students, newly retired individuals, and anyone in any stage of life looking to make a career change. Cal is an engaging speaker. He is a professor and I would love to be in one of his classes. Don't miss this one.
And so, as another day goes by, here I sit inside my own writer's room, at my computer, gazing out at the cottages on the beach, and….I have written. (And there are actually readers reading my work!) I can't thank you enough for being the inspiration for finding and following my passion, for it is you, dear reader, that is the reason I do what I do.
Yesterday I read a blog about being gentle with yourself. At the end, it asked, “How are you gentle with yourself?” The first thing that came to mind was Artist’s Dates. I haven’t had an artist date with myself in a very long time. I suddenly realized this when my daughter asked me about gift ideas for the family. I stopped and thought and then said, “You know, I don’t have any ideas. It’s been a long time since I’ve been out and about to see what’s out there. I really don’t get out much.” (I am out a lot, but it always involves a restaurant and groups of people.)
So today I came back from fit club and decided it was going to be an artist date day in the shops. I was going to flit around town, eventually end up in the mall, and see what’s out there in hopes of getting some gift ideas. I did get great gift ideas, but something else was happening. Since I wasn’t out there for any particular reason, I began to take note of the things I was attracted to. I found out a lot about myself. I like yoga clothes, soft things, big loopy earrings, bright, shiny things (my hands and eyes were magnetized by anything that had a sparkle), neon colors, and….boots. Boots were my favorite thing today. I remembered seeing these cute boots with fabric cuffs on a TV commercial and I did what I always do…I built the pair I would like in my mind, and now I had to search for them. Now I had a mission. Black combat boots with a fabric, fold down cuff. I could picture them. I could picture how they looked. I could picture them with my leggings. Oh, too cute. They just had to exist. The hunt was on. I walked into Sears and there they were. Just like they were waiting for me. They had a zipper down the back (a blue one) and can be worn at three different heights. They were $59, on sale for $39. But I just got inside the mall. It couldn’t be this easy because half the fun is in the hunt. I loved the boots, but missed the hunt. So I decided not to buy them yet. I wanted my hunt, so I pretended these really weren’t the boots I wanted. Three hours later – they were the exact boots I wanted. Them, and to be out of there and on my way home. (When I got to the checkout, they were only $29!)
On the way home I wondered why I did that. I could’ve been home three hours ago. It was then I realized that if I had bought the boots and went right home, I would’ve missed the point of the whole day. The idea was to spend time relaxing and checking out all the bright shiny stuff that was out there. By not buying the boots right away, I accomplished that goal and then some.
Through a day like this, I get to know myself better. As I walked, poked, and pondered, I kept repeating the first part of that quote that resonated with me last weekend. Dim your light for no one…..rang slowly through my mind. I touched fabrics, held jewelry, and tried on things that attracted me. For the first time I didn’t look at what I liked thru anyone else’s eyes. I just decided to be totally me and see where that led.
Life should be fun. What we love should be fun. The thrill of the hunt should be fun. Being ourselves, according to ourselves, should be fun. Loving who you are should be fun. Being kind and gentle to yourself should be fun.
“Dim your light for no one. Those who are afraid of your light are the ones that need it most.” ~ Ceilia Hanna
As the winter season approaches, my goals for it are emerging. Winter is a time to build fires, hunker down and turn inward. Time to reevaluate where I’ve been and set a path for where I’m going next, come spring. This winter it’s not going to be healing. The healing is finally complete. Now the rebuilding can begin. This winter is going to be about rediscovering who I am in relation to me, not through anyone else’s lens. It’s a crippling thing to find out that you lived, dressed, thought, and acted according to what would please other people. Today I decided I’m confident enough to go forward as me, and to have fun discovering just who that is. In my mind I envision building a pallet of all the things that make me, me, according to me – sort of a vision board of who I am. I can’t wait to see who this chick is, but one thing I know – she’ll look damn cute in these boots.
And so, as another day goes by, I wonder how you are gentle with yourself, I wonder if you “dim your light for no one”, and…I have written.
Today I'm not talking about the sandbox that my Bikram yoga and Koko fit club play around in – namely, my body. These two nemesis, with the exception of Tuesday, have played rather nicely all week and I'm hoping this is the beginning of a peaceful coexistence. Unlike the holiday dinners so rapidly approaching.
This week I have been out with friends more than usual and the question I was asked most often was: So, what are you doing for the holidays? Are you cooking for Thanksgiving? Etc.
First of all, anyone who knows me would certainly never even ask if I was cooking for Thanksgiving. (Ok, all of you who DO know me, stop the belly-laugh right now!). On second thought, don't stop it – in fact I'll join you. It's a well-known fact I'm a klutz in the kitchen and have provided much comic relief when I've attempted the three meals I cooked last year. I join in and laugh at myself right along with you. Learning to laugh at yourself is one way to navigate the upcoming family dinners with grace.
I just finished reading one of my favorite blogs, Life After Tampons. Jennifer's topic today was just that – surviving these family dinners. Her title is hilarious: What Were The Cleavers Smoking? A Holiday Guide For Real Families. The link is below. Don't miss this one.
What it comes down to is, let's be real. The world of the Cleavers is long gone. Families today have more combinations than a bingo card, each member bringing baggage to the Thanksgiving table. The best line in Jennifer's blog is that she realizes the real:
"You're fairly certain you're not going to get through the holiday season without getting zinged, snarked on, screamed at, the cold shoulder, the silent treatment, dismissed, ignored, or rejected."
"The real" is, come on, even in the best of families, some of this happens and the way you handle it determines the holiday memories for 2012. One of the tools you need to put in your holiday toolbox that Jennifer points out is realizing you're not alone. If you burn the turkey (or cook it with the cutlets still inside – I know, you want to know how I know that – but that's another blog), are late for the meal, have to dance around the elephant in the room, – just remember – so is every other family on the street busy juggling their family stuff just like you are. Right away this takes away the "so and so ruined the holiday" syndrome. So it isn't perfect. It's okay. You are not a Cleaver.
I had to work years to learn this. I'm a type A who, quoting my husband, as he runs his hand in vertical lines along the countertop depicting how I like my life garden to look, "You like all your ducks in row and everything and everybody perfect and you drive yourself crazy trying to achieve something that's never going to happen." He's not pessimistic – he's just RIGHT. The sooner I learned that it's okay to have things a little messy and not try to push and control everyone to fit my perfect vision, just to make me feel better, the happier I'd be. Believe me, it's a hard lesson that takes a long time to learn. Ah, but the freedom it holds. Permission. That's what I got. Permission to chill, sit back, glass of vino in hand, and let the holidays unfold.
I have a wonderful family – as close to being Cleavers as your ever going to get. But did that matter? Did I appreciate this? No. I spent years in a tizzy that this or that event wasn't going to go off perfect. So what else did I learn? That no matter what kind of a family combination that is going to sit down at our holiday table this year, the time I'm going to have is totally dependent on my reaction (or, in some cases, no reaction) to whatever the day brings. Playing in our family sandbox hasn't always been pleasant. We crash each other's castles from time to time, steal each other's vehicles, push back property lines drawn in the sand, but, like the holidays, we always return and come together to play again.
Read Jennifer's blog post. Here's a couple of my favorite lines from it. You can see why you shouldn't miss it before embarking on your holiday trek.
"The reason why your family can push your buttons is because they installed them." (Is that just not THE best line you've ever heard?)
Then this one: (wow)
"Hurt people hurt people." Powerful.
In addition to realizing you are not alone, she gives five more things to put in your holiday toolbox.
And so, as another day goes by, I'm going reread her post, pack up my toolbox, count my blessings, and….I have written.
Last night, at our Cape Cod Writers Center Writers Night Out in Hyannis, my dear friend, Christine Merser, was our guest speaker. Christine, owner of Blue Shoe Strategies marketing and the blog at Freesia Lane.com, gave a wonderful presentation on how writers can effectively use social media to get their work in front of your eyes.
Today in Bible study our dear Helen was giving us our “mission moment”. Each week she reports what’s going on with different missionary families serving around the world. Today she was talking about Operation Christmas Child. The Grace church, where we meet each week for our study, always participates. This is a program where a billion shoe boxes are packed with little toys, hats, toothpaste, soap, etc., shipped and hand delivered to children who may have never gotten a present in their entire life. This is a countrywide project. People in churches all over the country, like this one, spend months collecting shoe boxes and the things to pack them with. Then they hold a festive evening assembling the boxes and wrapping them. They are shipped to a huge warehouse where the boxes are packed to go to children all over the world, with volunteers that go with them to personally hand each one to a child and watch them open it. The stories and videos of this amazing project can be found at:
www.samaritanspurse.org
After Helen shared the day and time to come and help assemble the boxes, she added that a little booklet explaining Jesus to the children is tucked in each box. She said imagine the box you wrap has the capacity to change a life forever. Some of these children never even heard of God, much less the story of Jesus.
As I listened to Helen speak, I tried to imagine that. Never hearing of God. Never hearing the Christmas story. I can’t remember a time in my young years that I didn’t know about God and Jesus. I can’t remember a time in my life that I was without the power of prayer. I can’t remember a time, not a day, not a minute, that the Holy Spirit wasn’t right beside me, wherever I was. Even at three and four – as far back as my memory goes, I remember my first bedroom, on Holly St in Amsterdam NY, and there wasn’t a night I didn’t go to bed without saying my prayers. How can that be? A child growing up and never having heard of God and Jesus.
I tried to think of how I feel when I discover something entirely new to me and it changes me in some small way. I thought of how even if your God is different than mine, at least we still have God in our lives. We are not alone. People are not the end all. I thought of what bothered me most about the Hunger Games. I hated that Katniss didn’t have a Higher Power. She was completely alone when people failed her. In those frightened, terror filled moments alone, she had no one to call upon. And that wasn’t real. But these children are real and they lead some very terror filled lives.
But to never have even heard of God? To not have had the chance to learn about Him? To have Him in your life? To question Him? To argue and get mad at Him? To explore your God as He has been introduced to you through your family values? Well…really…
I can only imagine.
And so, as another day goes by, I realize there’s a lot about God and the missionaries that I have taken for granted all these years, and….I have written.
On Sunday I posted a quote that stopped me in my tracks, but even after a couple days of pondering, I was rendered speechless and decided to let it stand on its own. Well, perhaps I didn’t ponder long enough. The quote manifested in my morning Bikram yoga class today, and now I have words. The quote is:
“Dim your light for no one. Those who are afraid of your light, are the ones who need it most.” ~ Ceilia Hanna
Today, the yoga spoke loud and clear. As you can probably guess, today was a step backward day, following my glowing ballerina performance last night. We have already agreed that yoga, exercise, diet, and life in general is not a lineal process, so this was par for the course. Once again the room was hot, but not overly, the teacher didn’t open any doors or windows, but she did push us a bit further on this humid, rainy morning. I pranced quite divinely through the standing series, but noticed muscle weakness and fatigue during tree and decided to sit out toe stand. After the savasana the floor series resumed and I found myself skipping a few sets. I was breathing just fine, which used to be the reason I’d have to skip poses. My need to skip a few floor poses just didn’t make sense. In the background the teacher was begging us not to listen to our minds, because our bodies can do so much more than we think they can. Hmmm….my mind was fine with doing more….it was questioning my body. By the end of the practice, I figured it out. Arms. It was my arms. Yesterday my Koko workout concentrated a bit more on my arms. Last night I was fine, but today any pose that required holding body parts in place with my arms, clearly was not working. My arms slid off of my hands and feet and hung there limply for the duration of the pose. That’s when the the unspeakable quote popped into my head and another Bikram ah-ha moment was born:
Yoga dims its light for no one. The room remains hot and humid, teachers deliver the dialogue rhythmically, doors and windows do or do not get opened, and none of this can be controlled by me. I have no influence over the yoga.
Those who are afraid of Bikram’s light, are those who need it most. It’s hot. I can’t stay in here another minute. This isn’t working. Oh God, are you there? Because I’m panicking and need to get out of this room. My arms are like jello. I think something’s radically wrong. Maybe I should not do this. After enough of these thoughts, the light went on. When I start complaining and want to bail, it’s because it’s precisely where I need to be.
After class I discussed my failing arms with the teacher. She said that due to the exercising, my muscles are giving off some chemical that begins with L and they also have tears that will repair in the days in between the exercises to make them stronger. This will definitely affect my practice and that is a good thing. Koko will force my Bikram to ramp it up. And yes, I will hate it and feel like a newbie all over again.
Isn’t that just like life? Always something to challenge us, change us, and force us to move off of our comfort mushroom in the universe, where we like to park and feel smug. (Comfort mushroom, because I picture myself in my yoga clothes sitting out there in the woods on a giant brown spotted mushroom, hugging my knees, enjoying the sun on my back, and thinking here I will stay.) Sorry. We don’t get to camp on the comfort mushroom. Whether its yoga, exercise, diet, jobs, relationships, …whatever…we don’t get to camp. Ever. The light shines on us. We yell “Hey! Turn that off!” But it keeps shining, keeps exposing what we need to face. We do eventually have to turn and face it head on.
If there’s a particular light you fear making you uncomfortable in your world, hang in there. It’s just exactly what you need and exactly where you supposed to be. (And it will dim for no one.)
And so, as another day goes by, I finally found the words, and ….I have written.
Today I did only three things. I went to Koko fit club in the morning, washed windows all afternoon, and went to 6 pm yoga. It was a good day in the sandbox. First of all I cannot tell you how much I love the Koko Fit Club. To work out in such a quiet, beautiful place and on top of that, not even have to think about it, is just fabulous. If you have never worked out before this is the place for you. It will not be hard. It will not be intimidating. It will actually be relaxing and fun. I love watching that little pace bar on the computer as I lift my weights. My mind and body are both busy and engaged. I feel great and have a ton of energy when I leave there. My overall energy level increased ten fold over the past three weeks.
I spent the afternoon happily washing windows, enjoying the gorgeous day. Then came yoga. Uh oh. I was having those expectations again, remembering Friday’s class. It was hot in the room. I laid down, became still, and avoided a panic attack. Class started. I was moving like a light footed ballerina through the standing series. I even kicked out and held it the whole time in the first set of standing head to knee. Incredible. My Koko body craved standing bow and I held all four sets the whole time. My back just sunk into that pose and felt so good. The floor series proceeded without incident. My Koko back just loved the spine series. This was actually one of those once in awhile, dream classes where everything was perfect and just clicked.
I’m so glad Bikram and Koko played nice together today. My mind, body, and spirit feel amazing tonight, but I’m smart enough to not get too carried away by my ballerina experience. Just like I knew Friday was those two steps backward, I recognize today as being the one step forward. I know there will be more backward days where Bikram gets mad at Koko. I have to remember this, like the rest of life, this is a process, not a competition. I just hope they become best friends eventually.
And so, as another day goes by, time to root for my guy Bryan Keith on The Voice, and….I have written.
I kinda did look like this tonight…in my mind anyway! Lol!
Two days ago I came across this on a yoga site. It struck me speechless. I waited a few days so I could share it, along with my thoughts. I have no thoughts. I have no words to add….
And so, as another day goes by, I’ll let the quote stand on its own, and….I have written.
Yes, that's right, liver. Not the kind you eat, but the kind you own. I love info. My belief is that the more information you have, the better off you are, so that is why we are talking about our liver today.
This week I have been doing some reading on fat loss, a topic that boggles many of our minds. I have decided that I need to learn more about the inner workings of my body regarding food and metabolism. With each passing decade, keeping unhealthy fat off our bodies gets harder and harder. The trainer on my tape at Koko fit club said today that every decade we lose 10% muscle mass. Muscle mass is what keeps our metabolism going. Something about the cross fibers of the muscles deteriorating if we don't exercise and continually keep building muscle mass our entire lives is evidenced in older people by loss of balance and dimished daily activity. He says it doesn't have to be this way if we exercise to build muscle mass. I have this whole exercising thing down to a science between Bikram yoga and Koko fit club, but I still didn't know exactly how fat got out of or off of my body, so I did a little more research and found something amazing about our livers.
Our liver is responsible for removing the fat out of our body by covering it with bile and escourting it out. Our liver continues to do that 24 hours a day, unless we interupt that process by what we eat or drink. If we eat natural, one ingredient foods (an apple only has one ingredient in it), our liver functions just fine as a never-ending fat burning machine. We interrupt that process by eating foods with chemical additives (processed foods) and drinking alchohol. When the liver detects either a chemical or alchohol in our system, it immediately stops processing our fat and starts working to rid our system of the chemicals and alchohol. (I never knew my liver was so focused.) While it's doing that, as we keep eating (especially processed foods), our liver cannot keep up and all the fat that keeps coming into our body will be stored where? You guessed it – around our belly.
Armed with this knowledge, I then went on a quest for good liver cleaning foods to get mine in tip top shape. This is what I found:
garlic, grapefruit, beets, carrots, green tea, leafy green vegetables, avacados, apples, olive oil, whole grains, broccoli, cauliflower, lemons & limes, walnuts, cabbage, and tumeric
What? This, except for the tumeric, is what I basically eat, but I am still not pleased about my belly. I guess the only culprit is the wine. I admit it. I'm a wine lover, but right now, on the cusp of sixty, wine is my worst enemy because my metabolism is far from that of a thirty year old. I've had so many social engagements lately that I think my liver was busy processing wine for the past two weeks. It has not been engaged in fat processing at all. In fact, it has just been sending it to the very belly I exercise to get rid of. Hypothesis: no matter how much I exercise, if my liver is busy processing wine every night, I am never going to lose an inch on that belly. I cannot imagine what I'd look like if I also ate processed foods (anything in a box with a list of ingredients), white flour and sugar. Thank goodness I ditched that stuff long ago. Time for a Plan B.
Eating & drinking: eat only one ingredient foods: fruits, vegetables, chicken, fish, nuts, whole grains and for a social drink – stick to a gin & tonic, and after one, minus the gin
Exercise: need to build muscle mass – for every pound of muscle you add, you increase the rate of your metabolism by 7%. At my age, I better get building. My Koko fit club program has moved me to the next level in cardio and weight training. It's an eight week program, 24 sessions, so I need to do it three times a week. Today I completed session 3. I really do love this place – it really does have fit figured out! I will also keep my Bikram yoga 3-4 times a week. I have discovered I really love night yoga.
And, yes, my dear brother, (he keeps tabs on me) NO WINE! It's the middle of the weekend and there's none in the house! Lol!
And so, as another day goes by, that's the skinny on the liver, hopefully by learning this info it will also be the skinny on me, and …..I have written.
