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October 30th, 2012 Did you ever try to break a pencil in half? You know – where you grab each end with a fist and ever so slowly start to bend it until – SNAP! In Bikram yoga camel pose does that to your body. You lean back half way. Put your right hand on your right heel and your left hand on your left heel and bend backward ever so slowly until you see the wall behind you. You almost never SNAP, but once in a great while you do. Snapping in camel means being overwhelmed with emotion and actually crying. Crying from emotional release, not pain. (You should never cry from pain in any kind of yoga – if you do, you've pushed too far.).
I have never snapped in camel, but today I "snapped" after the warm-up series. I was doing so well. Then we began the standing series. I tried. Oh how I tried. I slumped to my knees half way through standing bow. I figured, okay, I'll just sit this one out. All of a sudden I bent my head forward and the tears started coming. (It's nice with the sweat – no one knows.). I tried a few more attempts in the standing series. I did one triangle and after that I was flat on my back for the rest of it. The huge emotional release took everything out of me. I cannot believe I only did one set of EVERY floor posture. I've never had this happen in two years of practice. Never. I didn't quite know what to make of it. I did feel a bit bad for the teacher because he didn't have a clue what was wrong with me. He kept opening doors and windows and I so wanted to tell him it had nothing to do with the heat or the room. It was a huge tremendous cracking open of me.
I lay there on the floor staring at the four dots on the ceiling that form the cross I look at everyday. I asked God what was the deal here, today. I lay quietly and let the answer come. I realized I'd had an emotionally charged weekend in NY and also had some hard rows to hoe these past few weeks. I was very careful to contain my feelings and today was the day for the pencil to snap.
The hot room WILL do that to you. You can harbor your messes all you want, but there's no hiding in the hot room. It's you, yourself, and you in the mirror. When push comes to shove in there, you're gonna get shoved. Everybody always envies those who cry in camel. They think it's a special experience they are somehow missing. I, myself, never understood it and I wasn't particularly anxious to have it happen to me.
Today I guess I brought way too much to class for it to stay hidden until camel, but I do understand this phenomenon now. It left me wiped out for quite awhile after class. I was careful to eat and drink and replenish those things that got physically depleted and it feels good to be rid of some of the emotion brought to light over the weekend.
Sometimes we need to "SNAP". Sometimes we need help to do it. Sometimes we need a safe place and a vehicle to help us. The hot room certainly fills the bill. No words are needed. Just surrender to the tears and for once, don't be afraid of being totally helpless.
And so, as another day goes by, I totally believe yoga is not a sport, and …I have written.
October 29th, 2012 Today I had to drive home from NY to Cape Cod. I had been watching hurricane Sandy creep closer to my beach home all weekend, trying to determine the best time to make my getaway. According to the Boston news things weren't supposed to get rough until late afternoon. My best bet was to leave at 7am and land in my easy chair before the noontime news.
Armed with "car food" and a Dunkin Donuts pumpkin coffee, I set out on time. I reached the first rest stop on the Mass Pike without incident. I posted no wind and no rain on Facebook, used the facilities and headed back out. No sooner did I hit the highway again when a wind gust shook my car and the rain came pelting down. So much for my post. Was it just not raining in the Lee rest stop parking lot?
Climbing higher into the Berkshires the wind kept knocking my car every few miles and the rain increased its beating on my windshield. At first I felt a twinge of "Oh no. Do I really want to do this for 3 more hours?" But it was a short lived twinge. My music lulled me, my coffee was delicious, and white cheddar popcorn just makes any situation bearable.
I settled into a nice driving rhythm and it took a few miles for me to realize I didn't have my windshield wipers on. The rain is crazy, slapping at my windshield, not giving up for anything, and still I persisted without any wipers on, with a clear view of the road. Then I realized:
I have Rainex on my windshield.
I started laughing out loud to myself. While driving, I was thinking back to all the trips back and forth to NY I made over these very roads for the past two years. I fought a lot of battles on those solitary trips. I cried a lot of tears on them too, trying to figure this life out. Just yesterday I was given a huge answer to a question I had been asking God everyday for well over six years now. The answer was splayed out in front of me in the ending of a book I finished last night, "Love, Anthony" by Lisa Genova. When I reviewed it here yesterday, I hadn't finished it yet. When I finished it last night, I was in tears. I closed the Kindle and fought to catch my breath. It was late, so I didn't exactly get the point it was making in my life yet. Until today. Driving, thinking back over the last six years, reliving both pain and lovely, sweet times, I suddenly realized why I never walked away from a tough gig or never gave up – even when it was like crawling through a dark tunnel on my knees, over broken glass. Suddenly, today, the answer was right in front of me:
I had Rainex on my windshield.
Batter me. Beat on me. Pelt hard on me over and over. Splash….but roll right over the top of me without blurring my vision. I thought, being a wife and a mother, I knew what it was to love unconditionally. I've written a few blogs on it. I had no clue. Now I know the answer to the question "Why Lord, did you put this person in my life?" And now I know the true meaning of unconditional love. God answers in funny ways. In this case it was in the ending to a wonderful book.
I completed the trip in deep thought and tremendous peace. Three hours flew by like three minutes. The Bourne Bridge shocked me when it loomed up out of the gray sky.
And so, as another day goes by, I pray for the safety of all in the path of this storm, I give thanks for Rainex and extraordinary authors that know the workings of the heart, and…I have written.
October 28th, 2012 Lisa Genova does it again. Lisa is the author of “Still Alice”, “Left Neglected”, and now, her latest, “Love Anthony”. Lisa is a neuro-scientist turned novelist. She uses her professional expertise to write fiction that educates people in neurological diseases. In “Still Alice she wrote about Alzheimer’s. In “Left Neglected” she wrote about a woman who reached for her cell phone, got in a car accident and woke up two weeks later with left neglect, a condition that not very many people know about. In this latest book, “Love Anthony” she tackles autism.
The unique twist Genova’s books have over other books dealing with these diseases is that she writes from the patient’s point of view. Her background allows her to write from a perspective most of us can’t fathom. In “Love Anthony” she draws the reader into the mind of an autistic boy and helps us understand autism in a new way through the story of the lives of two women.
Being a teacher, I have dealt with many autistic children. If I had this book to read while teaching it would’ve given me a whole different perspective from which to work with these children. Genova does an excellent job of making the reader live the autistic life. I found it fascinating. I watched the TV show Touch this summer where an autistic boy was enamored with numbers and after reading this book all of his behaviors that were baffling his father and social worker are so clearly understood. This is a fast moving page turner that you don’t want to miss. Download your copy today.
And so, as another day goes by, I will spend the evening finishing this fascinating read, and…I have written.
October 27th, 2012 Today a great concept smacked me in the brain bright and early this morning. That probably meant that I shouldn’t dismiss it’s message so easily. I was reading Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst. This was an interesting little book I picked up on Amazon this week for only $1.99. The title intrigued me and when I read the trailer the main concept of the book caused me to say, “That’s me! That’s me!” The concept is:
“I can face things out of my control without acting out of control.”
So simple you’d think I wouldn’t need a book to tell me how to do that. Oh, but I do, I sincerely do. One little story the author used to illustrate her point was having to replace her computer twice within days. The first time she was alone, it crashed, she thought she lost her whole life and she promptly freaked out. The second time she was with her daughter and the brand new laptop was stolen. While waiting for yet another new computer her daughter said to her, “You know what I like about you, Mom? You’re not a freak-out woman when bad things happen.” We’ll, she just wanted to cry right there in the mall. She actually was thankful for the computer debacle if in this one moment her daughter learned this from her actions.
I remember when I was teaching I was not a freak-out teacher when a child spilled paint or juice or dropped a huge bucket of rice or beans by accident. I remember I always made it a point, as they stood there in fear, waiting for the ax to fall, to very quietly tell them it was okay. It was an accident and we’ll just simply clean it up. Then I would calmly show them how to do just that. Their immediate relief showed on their faces as juice rolling off a table quickly became an interesting science lesson.
I think learning to not act out of control in situations beyond our control is an extremely important life skill and hopefully I modeled that enough times for my students. At home, especially as my girls approached adulthood and their trying times grew bigger and more serious, I always made it a point to not join in their freaking out when they called me. I would listen, then give them a simple direction to go calm themselves down before taking any further actions. I remember telling them to go wash their face, make a cup of coffee, breath, and wait 30 minutes before talking to anyone.
Seems like I have not being a “freak-out woman when bad things happen” down to a science, right? So why do I need this book? If you notice all the “freak-out” situations happened to someone else, not to me. When I get blindsided (and through my naivety of thinking everyone is a good person with the best of intentions, I often do), I immediately get all hot and sweaty – a burning hot sensation floods through me and I immediately lash out because I just “did not see that coming”. I throw a tantrum and then go hide. I have worked very hard over the last few years to start taking my own advice. Oh I still get the white-hot sweaty feeling searing through me, but I keep my mouth shut, take time to gather my wits, use my yoga breathing, take a mini savasana, and not leave the room in a huff. I am that far, but it’s not far enough. When slammed with a situation I can’t control, I still don’t trust myself to not be a “freak-out” woman.
And so, as another day goes by, I’ll spend some time with “Unglued” and hope I learn some new truths about our ridiculously complex human nature, and…I have written.
Doesn’t this cover pic say it all? Lol!
October 26th, 2012 Today I drove to NY to spend the weekend with family. A certain little one is having a first birthday. Some are having a difficult time right now. I hadn’t seen my dad since Father’s Day – June 17 – and here it was October. My sister just got two tiny lab puppies. Shopping centers in my town expanded exponentially. A lot had changed since I was here in June.
It was time to visit home. Too much time had passed since I was here last. In my 59 years I have never been away from this town that long. It was really really good to come back. Tonight my husband and I went to dinner at my sister’s to see the puppies. Tomorrow I’ll spend some time with my dad and have my daughter over for dinner. Sunday the whole family will be together for the birthday. On this October night, it just feels like kindred family spirits are all around. Nice. Secure. Familiar.
That’s how I felt sitting around my sister’s dinner table tonight. Her window decorations helped me tune into the season and the impending holiday. As I looked at the faces around the table I succumbed to the realization that things had changed. People left and kids grew up. Change. There it is again. People, jobs, family, lives, all change so incrementally slow that it almost goes unnoticed until, after such a long time, you turn and look back.
My morning meditation cited Ecclesiastes:
“For everything there is a time and a season….”
Then it asked three questions:
1. Why might we try to hang onto things for so long?
2. What happens when we continually hold onto things we like? Do we leave room for new things that we might like to enter our lives?
3. How can we practice “letting things go” when their seasons pass?
This morning I raced over this passage thinking that this doesn’t apply to me today. How wrong I was.
And so, as another day goes by, I’m stunned by the passage of time, and…I have written.
Photo – I must say, my sister does do a nice window……
October 25th, 2012 I love bright colors. When I was taking art classes last year and trying to find my style, everything I was interested in creating had bright, bold colors that stood out against a contrasting color. My favorite work I did was that of a multicolored beach umbrella against a bright blue sky. When I plan an outfit, I find a bright color against black is my favorite time and time again. Even today, when I was on the computer, the picture across the top of the page was of mini cupcakes frosted in white. They were in a horizontal row and each one had a bright colored heart on it. I almost saved the picture.
Ok. Those are my excuses why I did it. I love the Target commercial with her red lipstick against that bright blue dress and stark white background with the red ribbons. Today on Ellen I loved the white and gray out fit with the stark red lipstick and red guitar against it. And what a concept for a song – loving him is red? That conjures up all kinds of feelings that have nothing to do with color. And loving him is like driving a Maserati down a dead end street? Oh yeah. I know that feeling when loving someone.
Let's face it. It took four albums to make make me push the button, but with this one she nailed it. Nailed me. I…..downloaded…..a….Taylor Swift album.
There. I said it out loud. I admit it to the world. Once again bright colors roped me in. I hope I enjoy myself on my ride to NY tomorrow.
And so, as another day goes by, I just saw my 27 year old daughter's Facebook post: "How old is too old to be excited by a Taylor Swift album?" Haha. Like mother, like daughter, some days a you just gotta laugh, and…I have written.
(See what I mean? I'm really not to blame, really! These pics are from my album entitled "My Favs"…I really couldn't help it!…. It's marketing!) Lol ….
 
October 24th, 2012 Today in bible study we focused on Psalm 123. Verse one says:
"I lift my eyes to you, the One enthroned in heaven."
In the lesson book it said:
"I'd like to suggest that an entire chain reaction begins with our eyes and ultimately affects our hearts, souls, and minds. Where we LOOK – where we genuinely fasten our gaze – amid continual life challenges has a tremendous impact on how we feel."
~ Beth Moore
In the discussion that followed, someone shared a story that sent the point home.
She said, "We have a deck that is impossible to sit outside on because of the constant wind. We enclosed it with plexiglass to keep the wind out, but there's no roof on it. Every once in awhile a bird will come down inside the glass and trap itself. It will spend endless minutes banging against the glass. I stand there and think, if it would only look UP! Then finally, after battering itself back and forth, it sees the sky and up it goes."
How many times in our continual life challenges do we get distracted by everything happening around us? How much time do we spend banging around from this person to that person, this thing to that thing, to try to find our way out of the difficulty so we can feel better? What if we just stopped and simply looked up like Psalm 123 suggests? It would hurt a lot less and make us feel better faster.
And so, as another day goes by, this coming week I will mind the direction of my gaze to avoid severe bruising, and …I have written.
October 23rd, 2012 Being such a Bikram yoga enthusiast and being that a lot of my posts revolve around my practice, I feel compelled to share the best answer I have ever come across to answer the question:
What is Bikram yoga?
A blog that I follow regularly by Lisa Jones, entitled "The Here and Now", answered that question in the most perfect way. I always enjoy Lisa's writing and I hope you will too. So, without further words from me, here is the answer:
(click link below)
You’re never too old, never too bad, never too late, never too sick
via justherejustnow.wordpress.com
October 22nd, 2012 How many times do we start our day with this prayer:
"Please Lord, just let me get through this day!"
There are so many days, when upon awakening and our feet have barely graced the floor, that we're praying for the moment that we we can climb right back into that bed. "Getting through" the day becomes our objective for the next 24 hours. I know. I've been there many mornings myself. I stand up and look at my white, warm bed sheets and cozy comforter and really, really don't want to leave it. But, alas, life calls.
Some mornings it's hard to say "thank – you" as my feet, first one, then the other, hit the hardwood floor. Awhile back there was a song by Martina McBride called "Blessed" and in it she mentions feeling blessed each morning when her feet hit the hardwood floor. I first heard that song when we bought this house 10 years ago and I was so deeply appreciative of finally having my own hardwood floors. The tune stuck with me all these years and still, each morning when my feet hit those hardwood floors, it knocks me out of that "let me just get through this day" mode and puts me back into a place of gratitude.
Today something came across my radar in my morning meditation that describes this experience and sheds a new light on approaching our days:
"Most people are just trying to get through the day. Be committed to learn from the day. Don't just get through it; learn from it. Take from it. Let the day teach you. Join the university of life. What a difference that will make in your future. Commit yourself to learning. Commit yourself to absorbing. Be like a sponge. Get it. Don't miss it." ~ Jim Rhon
Even in the worst of times something can be gained from our days. Approach them with hope and gratitude. Take, like Jim Rhon says, what they have to offer. Everyday we live has something to add to our repertoire. Maybe instead of "Please Lord just let me get through this day", we should pray, "Please Lord, teach me through this day" and stay open to what may come our way in the next 24 hours.
And so, as another begins to go by, I will await the blessings and wisdom alike that my God wishes to bestow on me today, I'll peek around every corner with hope instead of trepidation, and ….I have written.
October 21st, 2012 All my life I've loved reading my horoscope. When I was twelve I sincerely believed it would forecast my future. By the time I was twenty, I was certain it did. It took a few more years before the generality of horoscopes became apparent to me.
Today I still enjoy them. Sometimes they provide inspiration: "Your perseverance and hard work will pay off. Don't give up." Other times they gave me hope: "Stay still and wait. The unexpected will surprise you." Today's horoscope was new one. It actually gave me permission. It said:
"As you slow down for an easy Sunday, you could feel exhausted. Try to eliminate any errands or responsibilities you can put off for a different day. Recharge your batteries. Tonight: play it mellow."
Wow, did I ever love that horoscope. It gave me permission to relax and appreciate the easy kind of day I had. I made sure all my indoor and outdoor work was done yesterday, as well as laundry, shopping, and errands, too. Today was really free. I went to fit club (someone still had to let me in the door – someday I'll get it – who would've thought the hardest thing about a new exercise program would be getting in the door!) then I cleaned and washed my car and planned to end the day with the Pats/Jets game on now. It's been a long, long time since I had a Sunday afternoon with both a clean car and a clean house to start the new week.
I really feel different after starting the new exercise program. More energy. More like my old self of years ago. I remember this lazy, happy, satisfied Sunday afternoon feeling from a long time ago, when my kids were still young. Since retiring it seems my life was never settled. Things were never done. I was always anxious, and, for a bit, severely depressed. I just never I felt I was doing what I was supposed to doing with my retired life. The difficulty of retiring was not anticipated and took me by surprise. Climbing out of that was exhausting and there hasn't been energy to have a weekend like this in a very long time – where I felt organized, settled and I was just where I'm supposed to be doing just what I'm doing.
Today my horoscope not only gave me permission to enjoy my peace, but to help me find my old self again. Take a quick peek at your horoscope. What does it give you? While we all know it can't predict the future, maybe it can, in its own funny way, offer you some inspiration, hope, or maybe even permission to be right where you are supposed to be.
And so, as another day goes by, great strides have definitely been made, a long week is done, and….I have written.
Go Pats!
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