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September 21st, 2012 “Once one has encountered God everything has changed. One does not lead a charmed life – but it is amazing how charming the commonplace can become. One still has heavy work to do, but one works with assurance and poise. One still has temptations to meet, but they have been robbed of their power. One runs into adversity, but the inner certainty remains.” – Albert E Day
This quote sums up something I’ve felt most of my life, but could never quite articulate accurately. People often question life with God. The big question is usually, “If God is so great, why do bad things continue to happen to believers?” Albert Day brilliantly sheds light on the answer. The belief in a higher power establishes an “inner certainty” that forms the core of the soul. For me, this inner certainty sets me apart from all that happens in my life and in the world around me. I see it all. I feel it all. I experience it all – both bad and good – but I live above it. Looking back on my darkest of darkest days, I just knew there was something there, acting like a spine, holding me up, through the adversity.
Life is not ever going to be free of adversity, but life in the Lord changes my perspective of the adversities of life. Life, within the belief of a higher power, governs how I respond to adversity. I have learned that no matter how hard I try to control the outcome of a situation, my efforts will have no effect. When I leave the trouble in the hands of the Lord and let things take their course, things work themselves out better than any way I ever could have done it.
In the quote above I especially love the part about how even the commonplace takes on a new air when viewed through “God goggles”. Sort of how new and clear my backyard looks after a summer rain. Everything has a new “shine”, crinkling with freshness.
And so, as another day goes by, one does “run into adversity, but the inner certainty remains”, each and every day, and…I have written.
September 20th, 2012 Today is the second anniversary of this blog. I’ve written it for two years, through good times and bad. I made a commitment to do it every day, with the intention of examining my writing and becoming a better writer through that commitment. Something else happened that I didn’t count on. The writing helped me to become a better person. The writing guided me on a positive journey of self development that I had no intention of taking. The most significant thing about today’s anniversary is the amount of time it took to accomplish these changes.
Real change takes real time. The clean water acts of the seventies are evidenced in the amount of clean water we have today. The anti-smoking campaigns, over time, have made it almost socially unacceptable to smoke anywhere but in you own backyard because most smokers won’t even smoke in their own homes.
Years ago when I belonged to the “new mommy” circle, we spent a lot of time judging how each of was bringing up our children. Now, when I look at my own adult children and those of my friends, I ask, “So, what was the most important thing?” The most important thing is that today we are all connected to our children and they are, so many years later, a big part of all our lives. Thinking back to all the criticisms we had of each other’s parenting, I see how nothing we ever said made a bit of difference in where we all are now with our children. It was the openness within which we said it that defines the relationships we have with them today. An openness that was created over many, many years, through many, many hard times.
I started Bikram yoga exactly two years ago, too. That, too, was a hard fought, can’t ever give up, journey. To be still going, five days a week, overcoming adversity after adversity in that hot room, has grown and changed me. Changes, both physical and spiritual, have taken place over that great amount time.
Today, when I say I can do hard things, it means I can hang in there for the duration, no matter what is asked of me. I can go through the hard, hurting, uncomfortable times without giving up. I’m going to break a rule and share with you what came out in my morning pages* this morning. Over the course of writing 547 days of morning pages, which are mainly prayers, I surprised myself at how far I’ve come from the easily hurt “chlild” I used to be when things didn’t go my way.
Morning Pages – 9/20/12
*-morning pages are what a writer writes first thing every morning. Three pages, not paying any attention to we write, and we, or no one else ever sees them
“Lord I’m having a hard time this morning. I can’t think about any of my life today without fear. I know the feeling won’t last. I know I need to stay close to you. I run to you right away. I still get disappointed about things, but my first thoughts now when things don’t work out, is that you have a different plan for me. I need to deal with change and disappointment in a new way. I need to get used to viewing it as you speaking and guiding me in a new direction. Not as a reflection on me. When someone says no or a door is closed, I just look to you lord. And sit and wait for the new direction you’ll point me in.”
Yes, I can do hard things. I don’t crash and burn as easily now. Two years ago that prayer would’ve been filled with a lot of kicking and screaming and whining “why me” to God. Two years is a long time to wait for change to occur, but a long time is exactly what it takes to make it happen. The list of things you learn begins with patience and ends with love, with a whole lot of other good, positive stuff in between.
And so, as another day goes by, happy birthday dear blog – maybe someday you will be a book, thank you for your support dear readers, join me in letting tomorrow begin year three, and….I have written.
September 19th, 2012 “I don’t believe in the phrase ‘guilty pleasure.’ Pleasure by definition has no guilt, for pleasure is a feeling pleased, happy, gratified and content. One shouldn’t feel guilt while experiencing
happiness and contentment.”
– David Lovejoy
I tend to agree with Mr. Lovejoy and Paul, my gratitude guru. Paul made an excellent point today in his post. In fact, he touched on something that always bothers me. I have a lot. I’m grateful for, but I feel guilty that there are others that don’t have as much as I do, sometimes making deep enjoyment of what I have hard. He said:
“Don’t feel badly about your situation. There will always be someone with more than you.”
That is so true. No matter what we’re given, we exist in a space that never changes. We will always have more than some and less than others. To dribble away time agonizing over how much we have is silly. As long as it came in an honest, Godly way, it is a gift. A gift to be accepted with a simple “thank you”.
I’m glad I read that quote this morning and Paul’s take on it. This afternoon finds me on the beach, in a chair, glass of wine, with my husband beside me. Nothing remarkable about that except – it’s a Wednesday in September. I walk this beach every afternoon and stop and sit with friends and their husbands. And I miss mine. He is on vacation here this week and I’m so excited to share my “ordinary” days with him. On our way down here, I caught myself when I started getting that “guilty pleasure” feeling. I immediately turned my thinking around by saying “thank you” to God and let my heart open fully to this wonderful September day.
To all my girlfriends who are retired here with their husbands, grab those beach chairs and head out. Give gratitude that these wonderful September days are ours for the taking.
And so, as another day goes by, I’m going to learn to appreciate that “space” I live in without guilt, just as the seagull below is enjoying his “spa”, and….I have written.
September 18th, 2012 I have been working on pre-judgement for a long time now. I know myself so well, that I just KNOW I will not like this or that. When I saw the commercials for the impending new talk show Katie, I just KNEW I wasn’t going to like it. I just KNEW I’d never have a reason to want to watch it, never having been a big Katie Couric fan. So, without ever seeing the show, I had already made up my mind that I didn’t like it.
Last week the commercial came on that E.L. James was going to be a guest. Then, J-Lo, and…others that I’d be interested in what they have to say. I found myself tuning in on the premier show. I had a good time. I still wasn’t making any judgements. I watched Friday’s show with J-Lo. Again, I had a good time, but the jury was still out. (The best thing about the show was J-Lo’s diamond studded, red bottomed shoes).
Today I tuned in near the end of the show. The jury’s in. Katie really isn’t funny. She really isn’t exuberant. She’s definitely not getting any points in the style column. (She wears the same version of a sleeveless dress everyday, just in different colors.) She’s not that attractive. She does ask poignant questions, but it’s not a softer version of the news reporter Katie that it was supposed to be. On the plus side, Katie doesn’t shine very much which bodes well for her guests because they are in the spotlight and steal the show without even trying.
I know. Harsh judgement. But it’s my duty as a writer to write from my heart, as it appears to me, and, unfortunately, that’s how it appears to me. I predict the show won’t be renewed next season. Sandwiched between Ellen and The Talk, and opposite Dr. Phil, Katie drew the toughest time slot of daytime tv and I don’t think she has what it takes to go up against the big dogs. I feel kind of bad for her. Not much has worked out for her over the last few years and I think it shows. She appears tired and complacent. That’s it. That’s what’s making my judgement so harsh. The lack of enthusiasm, stolen by hard times past doesn’t leave a lot of passion for her guests.
Passion and enthusiasm are what make our days. When we lose that, we lose a little bit of what makes us, us, but most of all we lose that which makes life fun. I do hope Katie finds hers as the show progresses and I admire her for not giving up – for coming out with yet another try.
And so, as another day goes by, another talk show vies for status, I’m going to give it a few more chances just to be sure I don’t like it, there is such fun in red bottomed shoes, and…I have written.
(Yes, I know the red bottomed shoes are some designer’s signature, but it’s too late to go find his name, and I don’t really care about it anyway – I just like the fun of the red bottoms.)
September 17th, 2012 “Show”, don’t “tell” is a cardinal rule of the written page. If an author does not completely climb into the characters head and “let go”, readers will pick that up immediately and just as immediately probably put the book down because no emotional connection has been made. As a reader, you can always tell when an author is “telling” instead of “showing” because your initial reaction will be boredom.
I used to read books exclusively as a reader, and very rarely do I ever put a book down without finishing it, so when that happens, I look at the book collecting dust and wonder just why I can’t pick that book back up. Now, I read mostly as a writer and understand why I really don’t want to finish that book. I like to be involved in discovering the what makes each character tick through their actions and conversations. That’s what keeps me turning the page. If I’m told what the the character is feeling or why they are doing something, I quickly lose interest in a story that doesn’t involve me.
Sometimes life works exactly the same way and we would be wise to apply the writer’s rule. How many times has someone told you they were going to do something or act a certain way, over and over and they just don’t deliver. How many times have you done that to someone else?
I’m guilty. Many times I promise to be this way or that way from now on, but I end up saying over and over “Oh yeah, I meant to, but….”, and it never happens. I’m like the book that never gets finished. I’ve decided to reach into my recovery toolbox and grab the tool that tells me not to set myself up for failure. From now on, I don’t tell people what I’m going to do. I decide the best course of action in my mind, and then do it. Instead of telling them, then trying to live up to the stage I’ve set, I just go ahead and show them. Without the pressure of watchful eyes, I’m able to grow and change and work toward my goals in relationships at my own pace. When I tell someone in advance my plan to change, it’s like now they’re standing there with their arms folded, waiting and watching. I get anxious and pressured and just fold and quit trying. Now I adopt the writer’s rule – show, don’t tell.
In order for me to effectively make changes in myself I need to start in somewhat of a cocoon until I get my confidence. It works in relationships, writing, fitness, career, business, yoga, home improvement, etc. Decide what needs to be done to make positive changes, make a plan and just start without announcing your intentions to anyone. Pretty soon the changes will start to evidence themselves in these areas of your life.
Awhile ago I was learning deference – not always telling everyone, everything. Sometimes it’s good to keep the energy contained within myself so it can be used to effect the change. I have learned that many times depleting the energy sabotages the journey.
And so, as another day goes by, “show, don’t tell” reaches farther than the written page, and…I have written.
September 16th, 2012 Today my husband and I had four tickets to the Patriots home opener against the Arizona Cardinals. We took my Boston daughter and her friend. My husband planned a huge tailgate. He had chicken and steak tips and a myriad of other goodies. Half way to Foxboro my husband realizes he forgot the grill. This would’ve been funny in itself, but a few years ago when he planned a big tailgate for friends of ours, he forgot the tips. On the way he had me texting people to see if we could borrow their grill. That’s the way the day started.
We parked in our favorite lot, with friends, (who had a grill) and met up with our daughter. The mood in the parking lot was festive because there was no way anyone expected the Patriots to do anything but win today. We had a lively tailgate, lots of food and laughter, and before we knew it, it was time to head into the ballpark. The weather was perfect for football, our seats were 50 yard line, 4 rows up behind the Patriot bench – perfect for my husband to help out Bill and encourage Tom.
The game itself was rather boring. Both teams traipsing up and down the field, without much muster, trading field goals. Then in the fourth quarter the Cardinals pulled out this amazing lead – 20 – 12. The Patriots finally decided to play football and had us standing up and rocking the stadium as they moved the score to 20 – 18, Cardinals. The Pats drove down the field, wound down the clock, and with one second left, kicked the winning field goal. The stadium went wild. The teams were going to leave the field, when all of a sudden the stadium went silent. The Cardinals were lining up with the ball. They took a knee and won the game.
Stunned. That was the only word. I couldn’t figure out what happened. I saw the ball go through the uprights. But apparently it didn’t. I just sat there. This couldn’t be true. The Pats lost their first home opener since 2001 to a less than average opponent. I got up and followed my family out of the stadium fully expecting the speaker to call everyone back because there was some mistake.
Ambling to the car, I remembered so many times in my life when I thought “the win” was in the bag, only to be shocked to be on the losing side. Times when I was blindsided by the unexpected. Times when I didn’t make the team. Times when I got a C or even once, a D. Times when a friend shocked me by their take on things. Times when I was clueless I did anything wrong, only to incur wrath.
What to do with these times? Think positive in spite of the negative. Face the cloud and find the silver lining.
“Positive thinking is a constant attention to the details that make up an average day – with the knowledge that how you live this moment may reflect on the rest of your life.” Tom Walsh
Sometimes it just plain ugly and all you can control is how you’re going to react to it. Today? Made our way back to our favorite sports bar, ordered some great food and took great appreciation that we no longer had to drive back to NY for me to be in school on Monday morning. We sat and talked about the years we sat at that very bar and wished for this day.
And so, as another day goes by, home by 7:30 pm instead of midnight, appreciating every moment, and…I have written.
September 15th, 2012 “When was the last time you told your story?” – Question put to the sick by a Native American Medicine Man.
If that was a question put to the sick, it leads me to think that “telling one’s story” is somehow healing. This must be why, when someone sees us hurt or struggling or having a rough time, they always ask us if we want to talk. Talking about our problems heals us. When I am very hurt or upset, I need to talk about it over and over, even if I can’t fix it or solve it. I need to talk about it to the point where people are tired of hearing about it.
I used to wonder why I felt compelled to keep bringing it up. Even I was sick of talking about it, still one more time. Then, this morning, I read a meditation that made so much sense. It said:
“Stories are like mini time capsules. They carry pieces of meaning and truth over time. The meaning waits like a dry ration; only by the next telling does it enlarge and soften, and become edible.” ~ Mark Nepo
Now I understand my need for the constant talking about something. Every time I talk about it, I find more clarity. I’ve often thought that when I’m trying to work through a difficult time, keeping it inside my head just makes it hurt more, confuse me, and make it difficult to heal. I remember a time when I was going through a long, drawn out time of difficulty that couldn’t be fixed. Each weekend when my husband came home, he’d spend hours on Saturday night, until the wee hours of the morning, just listening to me go on and on. Though it was hard on him, each week I could feel forward movement. I was slowly talking my way out of the fog. After many months, the need to do that disappeared. I was healing.
Nepo also wrote:
“Often we repeat stories, not because we are forgetful or indulgent, but because there is too much meaning to digest in one expression. So we keep sharing the story that presses on our heart until we understand it all.”
I can’t thank my husband enough for all those late nights and endless patience as we went over the same story again and again. It is in a large part, because of those retellings, that I am healed and in a new place today. If you have a friend or relative who you want to say, “Oh no, not again” when you see them coming, stop and think twice before you turn away or put them off. You have a chance to do something great for someone and all it requires you to do is sit still and listen, one or maybe one hundred times more. Just by listening you may be contributing to someone’s healing of a very broken heart. You are giving them the chance to find clarity and move themselves foreword, just by listening “one more time”.
And so, as another day goes by, I give gratitude for my husband, family, and those friends who never turned a deaf ear in my hours and hours of need, I will always be there for them, should they need it, and…I have written.
September 14th, 2012 As a writer, there are many things about the written word that I struggle with. One of them is trying to find the right words to convey either the intimacy, the magnanimity, or the “majesticness” of those times when:
(Click link below to read post)
via capecodchildrenswriters.com
September 13th, 2012 Paddle boarding, cooking, and yesterday, kayaking – was the next adventure in this time of doing things that scare me or take me out of my comfort zone. My good friend asked me to come kayaking with her on West Falmouth Harbor. I had never kayaked before – my paddle boarding experience was the first time I had ever paddled anything – and we all know how that went. (I must mention that I’m terrified to be in water deeper than 3 feet that I have to paddle anything in, and I’m pretty much sure Falmouth Harbor involved that.)
But it was a gorgeous day and I so wanted to be outdoors doing a “sport”, not just walking. (I’m not sure if kayaking qualifies as a sport.) I was as excited as I was nervous. We stopped and bought sandwiches and then took the kayaks down to the harbor. My friend drove them, one by one, in her SUV with the door open, the kayak sticking out of the back, and me riding shotgun holding the rope to keep it from falling out. As we rode, I thought of the conversation I had with my husband that morning:
Me: I’m going kayaking with my friend today.
Him: Where are going? On the ocean? On a pond? (Nervous because I’ve never done it before and after the paddle board experience, he knows I don’t know what I’m doing.)
Me: I don’t know! It’s an adventure!
I’m sure that made him feel much better. I was thinking this while holding the kayak tighter as we rounded the curves. When we got to the harbor my friend showed me how to straddle the kayak and kind of plop down into it with my feet sticking up in the air. She took the dry box with our food and keys and paddled away. After pulling my feet in, I started paddling away to try to catch up to her. She had the food. I wasn’t letting her out of my sight. It took a minute to realize I wasn’t going anywhere. I was beached and I kind of had to push myself off the sand. Once on the water, I began paddling furiously and was going at a good clip. Then I remembered I had no idea how far we were going and if I kept it up at this rate, I might not make it to lunch. About the same time I saw all the moored boats in the harbor. It dawned on me that I can’t hit these things so I better slow down and start practicing “driving”. All the way out across the harbor I experimented with different driving techniques.
It was gorgeous. Soon I caught up with my friend and we beached our boats, climbed onto the warm sand, and settled down for our wonderful lunch. Cape Cod Chips and a Woods Hole Wrap. Who knew by adding a little barbecue sauce to a chicken wrap you practically had your own barbecued feast out on the water? Genius. We sat in the warm sun and shared life stories for a long time, until I glanced up and saw her kayak beginning to float away – the tide had come in while we were talking. I jumped up and grabbed it and we decided to head back. I turned around and found water closing in behind us, too. I hadn’t realized we were on a sandbar.
On the way back we had to battle more waves due to the incoming tide. For awhile I paddled a bit furiously, practiced turning direction, missing big rocks, dodging buoys, and then more furious paddling. Once we got closer to the dock, I stopped paddling, the car was in sight and I just relaxed and let the little boat drift quietly to shore.
We reached the shore eventually and then repeated the whole driving and holding the string thing to take the kayaks home. It was an awesome adventure. We didn’t check our phones, we totally disconnected for the whole trip and it really was a space in the week between Tuesday and today.
We need spaces between the things we do everyday. Spaces afford us a bit of peace. After paddling furiously, we need to stop and quietly drift toward the shore. In life, too, we go on for months sometimes, paddling furiously, trying to stay in control and forge our way in a certain direction. When we’re wet, and tired, and cold, we realize the fighting part is over. It’s time to just quietly drift toward the shore.
And so, as another day goes by, another thing gets crossed off the bucket list, more lessons are learned from an adventure, and…I have written.
September 12th, 2012 Pursuing things that scare me and diving into areas outside of my comfort zone is becoming prominent on my radar lately, so…I did it again. Yup. I cooked. As most of you know, that only happens maybe twice in a blue moon so….in honor of last week’s blue moon, I cooked.
I found a wonderful recipe for those Roma tomatoes overflowing your garden. Wonderful, because it’s within my ability. It uses only a few ingredients, take 10 minutes to make, 25 minutes to cook and can be eaten as a meatless meal, served as a side-dish or offered up as a hot appetizer.
This time I had no trouble while preparing the dish. I did figure out that cutting the tomatoes in half in such way that they sit flat on the pan is probably important. The few that I didn’t cut that way flopped over in the oven and spilled their contents. Other than that, these are an easy and yummy way to use your romas.
I have cooked exactly three things this year. My cooking confidence is growing.
And so, as another day goes by, another “dish by me” goes down in the books, the recipe, for you, is below, for me, even tomatoes contain life lessons, and…I have written.
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