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July 13th, 2012 There is only one word to describe my yoga class today – TEDIOUS. Starting out the room was extra hot and humid. The teacher’s voice was slow and low. The set-ups took forreeever….. The poses took even longer. I gave in to standing a bit in standing head to knee. I came in late on the second set of standing separate leg head to knee, and flopped on my bum in the second side of toe stand. I was done. And there was still two thirds of the class left to go. On the floor the poses again took even longer than forrreeever….. The savasanas took even longer. I just kept saying in my mind, “I want to sit up. I’m tired. I’m impatient. Let’s MOVE. I need to run out of here.” I camped a bit on the forward bends and came in late on camel. In the final savasana I couldn’t stand it any longer if he kept talking. I covered my face with my towel; shoved it my mouth to keep from screaming. When I finally got in my car it was almost 20 minutes past the hour.
What’s wrong with this picture? The teacher was great. He knew the dialogue well for being a newbie. He opened the windows and doors. I was right next to the window so I had plenty of air. I had no trouble breathing normally, no matter how long the poses were. So what went wrong to make me so miserable?
My mind was having a hissy fit and my body bought it, hook, line and sinker. There was absolutely no reason why I just couldn’t relax and participate comfortably in that class, other than the fact that my mind just didn’t want to. My mind totally convinced my body to not be able to be patient and still for the few seconds that were added to every action. If I was physically sick, or overheated, or dizzy from gasping for breath, I’d say ok, the mind has a point. But there wasn’t one thing physically wrong or uncomfortable about my body in that class, yet it gave into the bantering of the mind.
The old adage comes true again – if something or someone is making me mad, impatient, or uncomfortable, then the problem could lie with me and I just don’t want to face it. So emerges another challenge. When my mind starts going down roads I know it shouldn’t, it’s time to reign it back before it has the body totally convinced it should go with it.
And so, as another day goes by, people and things in our lives act as mirrors and reflect back to us that which we project – we must stop and note the source of the problem, and…I have written.
July 12th, 2012 Today started out like any other. At 7:30 am my husband called me and talked to me as he does every morning. He was in NY. I’m in Cape Cod. Except today was the day we have been married for 37 years. In past years I would’ve hated that we were apart on this day and probably would’ve tried to get him to drop everything and be here with me. Not today. He had responsibilities for work in NY and I completely understood and am looking forward to his early arrival tomorrow to go out and honor our special day.
During yoga I got to thinking about my change of attitude. I used to make myself and everyone else miserable if a special day couldn’t be worked out to my satisfaction. Not anymore. Having learned daily how to deal with a hot room and a practice that doesn’t always go my way, has, over time, changed me. I am much more able to breath, sit back, let things happen, instead of trying to force them a certain way, and appreciate the way life unfolds.
This weekend my husband and I will celebrate our 37 wonderful years together. They’ll be dinner, a movie, and a campfire to reminisce by until late into the night. Having been together since we were 17, there’s a lot of ground to cover. Not being able to be together today is really alright. We are past that and it’s a nice place to be. I must admit the invention of the iPhone has enhanced our commuter marriage, keeping us in constant touch while miles away, but I think it’s our 42 years plus foundation that keeps life as we know it, working.
4 homes, 3 dogs, and, oh yeah, two kids, over 37 years, it was and still is, the ride of my life. Thank you my dear hubby for always being there for me through it all. I’ll never forget the day I was moving out of the Perth building after 12 years, leaving fourth grade to go teach kindergarten at Broadalbin and I came home to flowers and a card, just because you knew it was a hard day for me. Thank you also for all the other countless times you thought of me and put me first.
When people ask me how we did this, I only have one answer. Each other’s happiness was always more important than our own. The desire for the other person’s happiness and contentment was also the source of own. That, and mutual respect. When in times of discord and disagreement we always focused on the issue. We never attacked each other’s person. We never swore at or called each other names or put each other down. No matter how much we disagreed over something, we never had the heart to hurt each other. That’s how we did 37 plus years, and that’s how we’ll do maybe 37 more.
And so, as another day goes by, so goes another year of being married to my best friend, looking forward to what this next year will bring, and…I have written.
July 11th, 2012 Today summer Bible study started. We are doing a series by Priscilla Shirer. She’s a wonderful speaker on women’s faith and told a great story in today’s video that stuck with me all day, so it’s worth sharing with you.
Shirer told the story of her young son losing his first tooth. He waited weeks for the tooth to fall out and was super excited when it did. Shirer and her husband told the boy the story of the tooth fairy and he was even more excited and took hours to fall asleep. She said a 250 pound tooth fairy went to the boy’s room and replaced the tooth with a small present. The next morning their son came bounding into their bedroom holding out both fists shouting about his treats. He opened one hand and in it was a small package of gummy bears. He opened the second hand and in it was a five dollar bill. Shirer just have her husband a look – she was expecting a quarter. After her son went bounding down the hallway, her husband told her not to stress about the five dollars. He said, “You know all those five dollar bills he got for his birthday that we keep in the birthday drawer? I just went and took one of those and put it under his pillow.”
The boy was experiencing pure joy over something he’d had all along. All day long that image of a five dollar bill stuck in my head. It took all day for the message to sink in and for me to find the “five dollar bills” I have hidden around my life. It’s about time I took them out and started experiencing the pure joy they give.
And so, as another day goes by, “Is content with what she has” says Philippians 4:12, and….I have written.
July 10th, 2012 Today a friend and I had lunch at a charming little cafe near my home. We were talking about another friend who was seriously ill and suddenly lost her husband. My friend told me she answered the email on that news by saying we should stop and be grateful for each and every one of our days. I couldn’t agree more.
Later, after our lovely time together, I went on a beach walk to celebrate the beautiful weather and to grapple with some thoughts and difficulties. As I began to grapple, I remembered our conversation. Yes, the problems that crop up in the course of a day are annoying, but thinking of the seriously ill people I’m praying for daily, I was deeply grateful for the chance to “grapple”. Grappling with life’s everyday ills was suddenly a privilege. I kicked up the music, turned the corner around the marsh, and happily grappled my way home.
Nothing was solved or changed or even smoothed out when I got there – but I was definitely in a better frame of mind than when I set out for the beach.
And so, as another day goes by, I’m grateful for grappling, and…I have written.
July 9th, 2012 ..and I’m perfectly normal. That, perhaps, is the nicest feeling in the world. Just knowing that whatever you are going through, it’s not unique to you, and there are characteristics of it that are experienced by others going through the same thing. Misery does love company – it’s what makes miserable, tolerable.
I had an epic friendship come to a sudden end through my own selfishness and ignorance, combined with losing my mother. I had a hard time for a very long time. I hid in my misery because I thought people would think it strange that losing a friend could tear me apart in such a way. I got through it. It’s still not entirely over, but it’s easier.
This morning I came across a memoir on friendship in the current issue of More magazine. If you have ever had a such a loss, go right out and get a copy of this magazine. The article is written by Jacquelyn Mitchard (The Deep End of the Ocean). It’s called “Where did our friendship go wrong?” For me, it is one of those articles where I feel the author is writing my story. My favorite line was:
“It had taken half a century and a hard knock to teach me not to be prouder of having friends than of being one.”
The ending was what knocked it home:
“With just a little more time, I expect to be able to give my relationship with Liz the place it deserves in my life history. It’s over. But it was, as my friend David said, an epic friendship.
I fold it tenderly, as I would the baptismal gown of a child now grown. It is no longer useful. But it is still precious. It will always be mine.”
Wow. That’s what I said out loud to myself when I finished the article. She wrote my thoughts. Told my story. I couldn’t have summed it up at the end any better than that. I put down the magazine and proceeded to clean up after the holiday weekend. As I pushed the vacuum cleaner, I felt a joyful, comforting feeling. I felt I wasn’t alone in reacting so intensely to the hard loss of a girlfriend. I wasn’t crazy. Everything I experienced was entirely normal. Doing a wrong to someone, apologizing profusely in every way, shape and form and having it rejected and being shut out of that person’s life forever, IS devastating. It cripples you for awhile. It leads you down the road of questioning what kind of a person you are. It leads to constant berating of yourself. It magnifies fear of loss. You’re afraid people will think “It’s a girlfriend for God’s sake, get over it!”, so you hide it and fight it with your own silent tears and pain.
This is what being an author is all about. Touching people’s lives by not being afraid to put your own experiences out there to help someone else and that’s why I wanted to share this article with you. I’m hoping to be able to write the story of my own epic friendship someday, but right now I’m still too wounded to even know where to begin. Thanks to authors like Jacquelyn Mitchard, I’m feeling the peace of knowing I’m okay, I’m going to be okay, and most importantly, I’m not alone. And if I’m not alone, then there must be more of you out there who lost a friend, by your own hand, and are so sorry, but there’s nothing you can do about it. You, too, will be okay.
And so, as another day goes by, let’s “fold it gently, like a baptismal gown of a grown child”, and put it away….and…I have written.
July 8th, 2012 As the sun sets on Cape Cod, another 4th of July vacation comes to a close. All but one daughter has left, we had one last great beach time today, one last barbecue, and now, while hubby returns the other daughter to Boston, the remaining one and I will end the holiday with a movie and ice-cream.
via capecodchildrenswriters.com
July 7th, 2012 …I’m out! Today I headed to Fenway for the Red Sox/Yankees game with my husband and daughters. We arrived in Braintree at 9 am, Fenway at 10. By 10:30 we were seated in the Bleacher Bar under the stadium watching batting practice. A very cool place, with a big door right on the field. Next we made our way into the stadium and were in our seats by noontime. The game, in which the Yankees won 6-1, was over after three. The highlight of the game was getting on the fan cam during the seventh inning stretch. After the game we walked down to the Yardhouse for dinner, left there at 6, took the train back to Braintree and arrived there by seven, then drove back to the Cape, arriving at 8:30. The game was a double header, so my husband listened to it on the radio while us girls slept all the way home. A full twelve hours and I’m assigning a new meaning to the word tired.
There was a family with two little girls in front of us and it struck me how nice it was to still be there with my own two girls, doing things as a family, even though they are both adults. I used to think those times end when children turn eighteen, and I’m pleasantly surprised to find we enjoy each other just as much.
And so, as another day goes by, the Bartosik family makes the big screen, things are looking up for the Red Sox in the second game, and…I have written.
July 6th, 2012 Today was a happy yoga day. It was my favorite teacher, the room was perfect, and I was, for the second day in row, rocking that class. As I was lying in fixed firm, the teacher says, “This pose is good for your spleen – a graveyard for your T Cells.” I had no idea what T Cells were for, and even less of an idea that my spleen was a graveyard for them. Are they bad? Or, we’re they good, then went bad? My spleen must be a very smelly awful place to be filled with dead T Cells. They say you can live without a spleen. Then where would your dead T Cells go? Would they just keep traveling around inside you and eventually cause some kind of havoc? These thoughts kept me busy for the rest of the floor series.
Sometimes I have thoughts that act like T Cells and I need a graveyard to send them too. Out of the blue I’ll have something cross my my mind that causes me immediate anxiety. My “graveyard” is stopping to hear God saying, “I got it.” This quiets me right away. This past week with all the goings on for the holiday, I had forgotten about the graveyard and I let those thoughts creep in and twist my insides. Then today, during class, envisioning the T Cells being relegated to the graveyard in the spleen, it suddenly dawned on me what I’ve allowed to happen. As soon I listened during the savasana and heard God say, “I got it”, I felt immediate peace. I felt like I sank into the floor and it held me up. I felt like I was home. I knew today was going to be a better day.
And so, as another day goes by, I have priceless peace, God’s got my worries covered, and…I have written.
July 5th, 2012 Just a short note of appreciation today for all that is going on around me. Today daughter #2 and I rocked yoga class. Right after that we headed to the beach for the rest of the day with our friends. My wonderful hubby made us girls a pitcher of sangria to take with us. The weather and the beach reads were perfect.
After the beach I was able to have time with daughter #1. We took off to the mall in search of Red Sox tank tops for the game on Saturday. We shopped and talked and investigated the first Starbucks ever in Hyannis. Upon arriving home, happy with our mall finds, my hubby hits another home run – this time with shrimp tacos. Amazing!
Time now to settle with drinks around the fire. Reflecting back on the day, the only thoughts I’ve had today were of peace and gratitude. Sometimes not thinking and just immersing and enjoying are a good thing.
And so, as another day goes by, fire, friends, family, and food – it doesn’t get much better than this, I love my life, and…I have written.
July 4th, 2012 Since today was a holiday, I wasn’t planning on going to yoga today. I knew last night would be a late night out at the fire, so I thought I’d treat today like a Sunday. That didn’t work because my daughter wanted to go. So I went.
When I got there I tried to remember “no expectations”, but the room was really hot. Then people kept pouring in. We finally had to take the podium out and at last count there were 42 of us in there. I was up in my usual corner with my daughter next to me. The standing series was hard, very hard. I just stood there for the second set of standing head to knee. Then when we had to stagger, I had to move way up totally into the corner. I was practically kissing the mirror and there was absolutely no air up there. I made it through two out the three poses and began to feel panic. I moved back toward the window and sat cross legged on my towel, trying to snatch snippets of air from the window behind me. I sat very still and just stared at the floor, telling myself they’ll be done in 60 seconds and I can certainly sit quiet and breathe for that long. Next was tree and toe stands. I got up and joined in because I no longer had to stay in that corner. After that I proceeded normally throughout the rest of the class.
During the floor series I was thinking about my mini panic attack and how I’d handled it. I was remembering a few incidents in my life where things would have gone radically different if I had possessed this skill set in those moments. The ability to quickly quiet oneself and remove yourself mentally from a panic or stressed situation, in the midst of a crowd, is not learned overnight. It has taken many of the hottest and most humid days to practice and master this skill.
And so, as another day goes by, today lessons were learned in a hot corner, and…I have written.
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