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June 13th, 2012 Monday morning I was standing in my kitchen with my hands on the counter, looking around while fear and anxiety slowly took hold. Three weeks ago, on a similar Monday morning, the same thing happened. Both Monday mornings were the start of independent projects for me. Getting my book published, and starting a small business to finance getting it published, both threw me into a “work” world I never navigated before. Both projects are, in themselves, small home businesses.
Waking up being your own boss sounds terribly freeing and almost glamorous in the advertising. The idea of working whenever you want, even in your pajamas, no boss, no schedule, no one to tell you what to do, sounds wonderful. For me, it’s not. It’s hard. It’s scary. I have always operated in an environment where the exact opposite of all that was true. Let me tell you, when your working the 9-5 job with schedules and deadlines and overtime, I can see how working at home and being your own boss sounds so attractive. After 35 years in the work world suddenly waking up and having the onus of making something big happen on your shoulders and yours alone, can be crippling. Alone, in a quiet house, it’s up to you to decide the first step and what time you’re going to do it. After you finally get the first step taken, now it’s up to you to create the second step. And guess what? If you sit down in front of the tv because you can, you might never get those steps taken and there’s nobody there to tell you you have to. Soon you’re trying to do bits and pieces of things you think you should do and as the anxiety that you’re not doing anything, grows, you give up and start wandering the house and yard or eventually take a walk.
It took weeks for me to set up my work time everyday. I actually didn’t think I was even doing that, but I saw a pattern to my day emerge on it’s own. That was very reassuring. Once I had my hours down, now I had to figure out a way to make myself accountable for that time. My writer friend was quite firm with me after I shared my book and told me something very valuable that is making starting a home business possible. She told me to decide the hours I was going to spend each day on my journey to publication. Then she said to write down what I accomplished at the end of that time everyday. Just that little tool right there saved me from crippling mind fear and paralysis. I did it. Religiously. I saw the progress written out as the days went on. I eventually began to have the next step planned for the following day.
That was the best piece of advice anyone ever gave me. It allowed me to slow down and let the process do its thing. The timing couldn’t have been better because without that little piece of advice for my writing life, I’d be lost trying to start a home business.
In yoga this morning the teacher read from Melody Beattie’s Journey to the Heart. The message for June 13 was “Trust the Process of Growth”. It asked:
“What are you trying to develop? A project? A change in yourself? Is there something new you’re learning, trying to do? Are you trying to adjust to a major change in your life? Is there an old habit you’re struggling to let go of? A love relationship or friendship your hoping to begin or attempting to end?”
Then it said:
“It takes time for nature to change things into what they’re becoming. It takes time for things to develop. Be patient with yourself and life. Trust the process of growth.”
As I lay on my mat in the final savasana, I began to realize every change in our lives happens in stages. It begins with a seed being planted and while that seed is laying buried in the dark, the path may seem scary. If you don’t give up, despite the fear, a tiny sprout will break through to see the light.
If you, too, are trying something new or are making a major change in your life, relax. Let the process work it’s magic. Even if it’s scary and feels unsure, trust the process. It’ll be ok.
And so, as another day goes by, I’m going to relax and enjoy the ride, and…I have written.
June 12th, 2012 Get it, read it, enjoy it, do it!!!! This was an accidental find on my field trip to Titcomb’s Bookstore. I picked it up because the title and cover design intrigued me. I stood there maybe five minutes reading it. Then I found things in it I wanted to take home with me, so I whipped out the old iPhone and started to take pictures of pages. When I got home and looked at the pictures I realized I wanted to read the whole book. Saturday afternoon I decided to make my 3-5 writing work time a creative boost and sat down with this book. It’s a quick read – I read it in an hour. Click link below to read whole post….
via capecodchildrenswriters.com
June 11th, 2012 Once again the hot room has spoken. I never know which pose is going to provide a new lesson. Last night was a late night at the campfire. My husband and I sat out there until the wee hours of the morning solving the problems of the universe. That was fun, but morning comes quickly, so I decided to go to the 4 pm class today.
My day was jumbled and mixed up. Working on my new business and on my book put me in a panic mode. I walked around fearful all day. Although I got a lot done, panic and fear took root in the pit of my stomach and made for a difficult day. Needless to say, I couldn’t wait to get to class. My yoga room is my island of peace.
At 3:15 I was ready and couldn’t wait until 3:30 to leave. I finally leave and oops, I forgot summer has arrived on the cape – the line of traffic on 6A was governed by a tourist going 29. It took twenty minutes to drive five miles up the road. More anxiety. Finally I arrived and stretched out in the hot room ten minutes before class.
Today it was rabbit pose that taught just the lesson I needed to ease my fears. As I’m curled over into rabbit, the teacher says this is your little bit of panic training each day. Curled over, upside down, throat choked, sweat running up your nose and into your ears – but you tell yourself you’re alright. You learn, in this 20 seconds, how to handle panic and fear. You breath and calm down and learn what to do with these overwhelming feelings. Doing this a little bit each day conditions your body to handle life’s panic and fearful moments.
I took that in and am holding onto it. The next time I have a difficult time doing something new and panic and fear take hold, I’ll remember rabbit pose. I’m okay. Breath. I’m in a safe place. I’m not in any harm. I’ll imagine myself in rabbit, waiting for the teacher to release the pose. In class, when I do that pose everyday I will pay attention to how I keep myself in it, how I feel and how I deal with those feelings, because, as Ralph Waldo Emerson once said:
“The wise person in the storm prays God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear. It is the storm within that endangers us, not the storm without.”
Oh those inner storms – such as the one that plagued me today. Tonight I’m home, showered, and the fear and panic have melted away.
And so, as another day goes by, God often uses the hot room to deal with me, and…I have written.
June 10th, 2012 How many times have you doubted yourself – scared to enter that contest, write that story, draw that picture, take that new job, quit the old job, volunteer for that project at work, etc. How many times have you doubted others – their love, their friendship, their loyalty, their ability to carry out a project? How many times have you doubted God – does He hear your prayers, will He take care of that problem, can He really watch over and protect your children, does He even really exist?
Doubt causes fear inside my heart. It shakes my confidence to its very core. Until today. Today I came across something that made me do a 180 in the face of doubt. Robert Browning once said:
“You call for faith: I show you doubt, to prove that faith exists. The more of doubt, the stronger the faith, I say, If faith o’ercomes doubt.”
As I read this it occurred to me that doubt causes action – either physical or mental. How many times have we all said, “Hmmm…,I’ll have to think about that.” That was doubt causing our minds to open up and explore different possibilities. That was doubt pushing us to see our faith exists. I loved this quote and the peace of mind it brought me. Now I view doubt as an exciting new territory to be explored, instead of a fearful, anxious place. I am learning to embrace my doubts, explore them, and let them lead me to a new place in faith. I guess Browning felt that if we walked in blind faith, we’d miss so many roads, with so much to offer. So I say, doubt…yourself, others, God…and see where the unseen road takes you.
And so, as another day goes by, now when doubt enters my mind, I look forward to new horizons, and…I have written.
Camel: the most open, exposed pose there is, says it perfectly….(I’m amazed daily at the messages from the hot room.)
June 9th, 2012 Today was the ultimate beach day. The weather was 80 degrees, low humidity, warm sun, perfect breeze. The tide was coming in when my husband and I plopped our chairs on the shore. We set up camp and settled in with music and drinks to wait for the tide to reach our toes.
I sat back in my chair, closed my eyes, and waited for the thoughts to come. No thoughts. Only the crashing of the waves on the shore. Maybe I should have a drink and stare out at water. Still no thoughts. Maybe I should read. I didn’t feel like reading. Maybe Facebook or Words With Friends? Nah. Sleep! That’s the answer. Got out of my chair, got comfy on the towel, and dozed to the sound of the waves edging closer.
When I woke up, I felt sure I’d be plenty inspired. All I was was hungry. Pretzels, another drink, settled back into the chair and proceeded to think about having nothing to think about. Friends from up the beach came and asked us to come join them under their umbrella. We sat with wine and had a lovely visit catching up on our winters.
The friends packed up and went in and I sat down to write. Still no thoughts. At first I was frustrated, then I laughed and realized this is a rare moment for me – a whole day went by and I had absolutely nothing to say about anything today. I should appreciate this.
And so, as another day goes by, I look at the sun setting on the marsh as we walk home, the only thought that comes to mind is “thank you” and….I have written.
June 8th, 2012 I often think now, one year later, how much better of a place my head is in. I attributed it to the natural healing process that occurs over time. I never stopped to really think about how I’ve treated this head of mine for the last 18 months.
I’m starting a new little business and am doing a little personal development to learn about it. “Garbage in, garbage out” was the topic of the day. I must’ve heard that phrase a million times, but never applied it to myself. (Probably because it never meant anything to me, nor did I ever give it any serious consideration.)
Serious mistake. I sit here today and think that’s really what good teaching was all about – always being careful what young minds are being exposed to. Now it’s time to think about my grown-up mind. Looking back over the last year in terms of “garbage in, garbage out” sheds a whole new light on why I feel so good today.
The beginning of that journey spiraled down into a deep depression and climbing out of it depended on what I put in my head every minute of every day. Filling my head with negative thoughts about myself or others, listening to loud, angry music and sitting in a chair watching all the negativity on TV would’ve just kept that spiral going on a steady descent until I had crossed the line and had an unmanageable problem.
Thank the Almighty that I was smart enough to realize that. Instead of sitting in the chair for morning after morning of daytime TV, I went to yoga religiously – it became my job I paid to go everyday. Not only was my body being worked physically everyday, but the teachings of the practice that transfer over to life outside the studio, were being quietly rooted in my brain each morning. Writing morning pages as soon as I woke up rid my mind of anxiety. Reading a positive meditation right after that instilled thoughts to concentrate on each day. Playing a lot of Christian Contemporary on Pandora kept me close to my maker. None of this was garbage. It was all positive and good. I guess positive and good in, yielded positive and good out, so here I stand today, healthy, strong, and possessing a new, intimate relationship with God. I swear He did it all on purpose to bring me back to Him.
In any case, today I learned the value of really paying attention to the things and messages I let into my mind. I see the importance of it and only by the grace of God how it saved me. “Garbage in, garbage out” is no longer just a cliche I fling aside when I hear it. It’s serious business and now I pay close attention to its meaning.
I’m refinancing my mortgage, trying to publish a book, starting a new business, have a relationship I’ve surrendered to God, and I cannot afford to jeopardize any of this with negative or angry or self-depreciating thoughts.
And so, as another day goes by, change your thoughts, change your mind still holds true, and …I have written.
June 7th, 2012 Today was an “artist date” to top all artists dates. You’re supposed to take only yourself on an artist date, but today I had to break that rule. A fellow writer friend was badly in need of an artist date herself, I had the perfect venues picked out, we love each other’s company, so how could I not make it a two-for-one deal?
My friend Ann and I went to see the movie The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel at the Cape Cinema. The movie was hilarious, heartwarming, and right on target for us baby boomers. We laughed out loud and left with just the right amount of “feel good” you want when leaving a movie. The general message the flick left us with was “stop waiting for someone to tell you you deserve to follow your dream” – just start walking.
Although the movie was great, it was the movie theater we saw it in that made the afternoon extra special. It’s an old movie house on route 6A. Driving in, we found a little complex consisting of the Cape Cinema, the Cape Playhouse, a restaurant and the Cape Cod Museum of Art. We arrived early and just walked and talked and appreciated the appearance of the sun on what what supposed to otherwise be a rainy day. We were immediately captivated by the pond containing a castle in front of the museum. We looked like two tourists exclaiming and taking pictures. Hanging around the pond, we inspired each other by talking about our latest writing endeavors and how important these “artist dates” we’re to our work.
Time for the movie was drawing near, so we moseyed over to the cinema. We bought our tickets and entered the auditorium. It’s a unique place that could only be found on the Cape. We chose our seats from the armed dining room table chairs arranged in rows and covered in white cloth. The paintings on the ceiling caused me to instantly jump up and run around taking pictures from all angles. I felt like I was a fifth-grader on a field trip. Then we settled in for the movie.
Since the concession vendor didn’t show up, and the movie was 190 minutes long, needless to say food was a necessity by the end of it. The quaintness of the day continued as we made our way to the Borsari Gallery Tea Room just down the road. It’s a beautiful restored barn on 6A, dating back to the 1800’s. Our experience with afternoon tea and sandwiches was as elegant as it was nourishing. We sat and talked for almost 2 more hours, enjoying the ambiance of the unique eatery. Any of you visiting the Cape this summer might not want to miss either of these places our little island has to offer.
On our drive back home Ann and I commiserated on how lucky we are to live here, how fortunate we are to be able to pursue writing careers in such a rich artist community, and how proud of ourselves we were that we actually made today happen. Ann commented that living here, she often just drives by places people come from far away to visit. I agreed. Living here permanently for 3 years now has had that effect on me, too. After today, I resolve to take more advantage of the places I pass everyday on my errands for future artist dates.
Sometimes we trip over the best things life has to offer. We’re so busy looking ahead and forging ahead that we can’t see what is right under our noses. Every town has their own special gems. I encourage you to play hooky on a sunny afternoon mid-week and see what’s in your own backyard. I have come to believe that artist dates aren’t just for artists. There’s a “fifth-grader” hidden in all of us just itching to come out and explore and wonder and appreciate.
And so, as another day goes by, is there not a cooler place to see a movie? And…I have written.
June 6th, 2012 Ah..the things of my life…money, writing, new business, health, relationships,..all the things that keep life interesting. There will always be issues in these things that need to be dealt with on a daily basis. I spent a lifetime trying to “put all of these to bed” so I could finally relax and be happy. It is now, in this season of my life, I’m realizing it is these things that make me happy. It’s the changes and issues with these things that move my life forward. Each day brings a little anxiety in having to tend to each one. A little anxiety is not a bad thing. It creates the spice of life. It causes me to move, to do something – even if only that something is to pray and then surrender it.
Hindsight has taught me that big problems come when one of these “things” balloons itself out so big that it overshadows the others. Suddenly anxiety morphs into depression and a terrible fight is on. Health starts becoming a factor. Productiveness ceases. A time like this becomes a season all it’s own. A season where huge changes are going to take place. A season where who we are is going to be broken down and completely rearranged into who we are going to be in the next season of our life. Gradually the balloon begins to deflate. The thing that was looming out of control recedes and takes its rightful place and size in line with the other things. Once again life is manageable, and the new season begins.
I look in the mirror and meet the new, improved me. How much wiser I am. How much stronger I am. How much closer to my Higher Power I am. I couldn’t see where all this was heading when one of those things was ballooned out so big, that I thought it was suffocating me. Now that the “things” are all back to their normal size and niggle for attention each day, I can see the new season dawning. I can feel the changed person I have become.
Real change, the kind that takes place in your spirit, not just your mind, is like navigating the ocean in a kayak – no land in sight. Fear and anxiety cause you to spend hours paddling furiously. Then the paddle slips out of your hands and you watch it float farther and farther away from the kayak. Now what? All you can do is sit with your hands folded and look up. That’s when the true change in your very core begins to take place. Everyday you spend with hands folded, looking up in true surrender, trusting someone higher and bigger than yourself – that is when the big balloon begins to deflate a bit each day.
And so, as another day goes by, it is the “things” in my life and their constant movement that I embrace, and…I have written.
Photo:
Taken on my last “artist date” in Falmouth
June 5th, 2012 Yesterday, an hour of what I have now deemed “my writing work time” was spent reading the author interviews in the Children’s Writers & Illustrators Market. This past week I have become obsessed with this book. I have read many “how to” books on everything from editing your own work to how to write a query letter to how to write a children’s picture book. While these books were especially helpful, there’s something special about the way the editor, Chuck Sambuchino, put the information every new writer wants to know, together in this book. If you are a new children’s writer or especially if you’re just thinking you might want to write for children (maybe because you always liked playing in the sandbox – and still do), I strongly suggest you start with this book. Expensive, at about $30, but priceless when it comes to the education it delivers in such a palpable way…….click link below to read blog.
via capecodchildrenswriters.com
June 4th, 2012 After a night on my daughter's couch I found myself awake and ready to go at 5am. Of course, being on a couch, I found myself awake more than once throughout the night and while feeling ready to get up, I was still tired after the wonderful day with my daughter, the food and drink, and seeing Bikram … I was slowly getting up to make tea, thinking about my commute back to the Cape, going to the 4pm yoga class, some cleaning I have to do before guests come tomorrow, the hours I still need to put into my book project and started to feel a little overwhelmed, in addition to being tired. I'm not used to being this tired when I wake up in the morning and I was not liking it.
No one else was up yet, so I made my tea and sat down with my morning meditation. In my morning pages I poured out my whoas to God and asked him to take over my day. Then I opened up a little book that on some days, contains some real gems of wisdom and today was one of those days. It's called "Just For Today" by Tom Walsh. It gives you just one small sentence – one small thing to focus on for the day. Today my little gem was:
"Just for today I will find balance between rest and accomplishment."
Not really much more to be said, is there? As soon as I read it, I relaxed and decided to do just that. I rode the train out of town with my daughter. I treated myself to Dunkin Donuts coffee on the ride home. I arrived home awake and energized more by the the thought that I can give myself permission to accomplish what I can and rest when I need to, rather than by the caffeine.
And so, as another day goes by, so looking forward to time in the hot room, Bikram still makes me scratch my head, but I'm beginning to think that's his point, and ….I have written.
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