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June 3rd, 2012 At the end of Bikram day in Boston I find myself safely cuddled up on my daughter's couch, HGTV on the telly, glass of red wine and a bag of Trader Joes licorice on the table beside me. The couch is next to a picture window that looks down on the street below from this fourth floor perch. It's a warm rainy night and twinkle lights and streetlights are beautiful on the wet pavement. A perfect place to write and sort out the thoughts of the day. (I feel like I'm in a cozy treehouse)
Bikram day began with Bloody Marys and brunch on Newbury St and ended with dinner and Snickers Martinis for desert at Whiskey's on Boylston. In between was the great Bikram Choudary at the John Hancock Hall. I didn't quite know what to expect of this program today, but doing Bikram five days a week for 21 months, I figured I'd like to see the guy who invented this yoga in person just once. Let's just say I'm still scratching my head and trying to make heads or tails of the experience.
After two hours of him talking, I still didn't quite get his message because there was no rhyme or reason to what he was saying. It was just a constant stream of random thoughts that my organized mind had trouble following.
After the second two hours (yes, it was four hours long) I felt a funnel forming in my brain and I had to sift through his words to find some meaning. My overall impression? The man is a good man. He truly believed he was put on this earth to help people. He researched and invented something that for pennies a day will keep you well and healthy for your entire life. His biggest complaint? We don't take advantage of it. For a 90 minute a day investment he's offering a life free of disease and medication and the answer to the fountain of youth simply by moving your body a certain way and cleansing it thoroughly from the inside each day and he can't understand why this isn't important to everybody and they don't make it a priority part of their day like showering and brushing your teeth.
He is also a very wealthy man due to his invention. Many super stars and presidents have taken advantage of his knowledge and expertise. I liked what he said about having all that wealth. He enjoys it. We should all enjoy the fruits of our labor, without guilt about having it, as long as we remember the real reason we're put on earth – to help others be the best they can be. I give him credit. He could just as easily sit in his mansion in Beverly Hills and look at his wealth, yet he's out there working tirelessly to try to get people to see what they are doing to themselves. His mission is self-care as a way of uniting the body, mind and spirit and have them coexist harmoniously to keep us heathy.
It was a great day. A lot of people from our Cape Cod studio were there and it'll be fun to go back this week and see what they thought.
And so, as another day goes by, I'll check one off the bucket list, sip the wine, watch Mike Holmes fix another house, and ….I have written.
June 2nd, 2012 During my morning meditation I found my self in the book of Revelation in the bible. Along with four other books by different authors, each day I try to spend some time in the book written by the greatest author of all. I don’t know what led me to the book of Revelation this past week, but every morning I find myself trudging through it. Yes, trudging. Of all the books in the Bible, it’s the most difficult to get anything out of. It’s supposed to be describing the second coming of Christ, but I can’t even imagine how all that’s gonna go when it happens, so I don’t see why I’d expect to understand anything in the book that tells about it. But for some reason, I trudge on anyway.
Today, before I read it, I had a little chit chat with God. I told Him I don’t know why He is leading me to read this book that I’m getting no spiritual inspiration out of, but if He says keep reading, keep reading I will. Then I proceeded to read chapter 7. The first part told of strange things like four angels holding back wind and 144,000 people in white robes standing in front of a throne. I had no clue what was going on here, but I finished the chapter anyway. As I got to the end, there was a part that seemed completely detached from the rest and just jumped off the page and hit me smack between the eyes. It said:
“And He who sits on the throne will give them shelter. They will never be scorched by the heat of the sun. For the lamb on the throne will be their shepherd. He will lead them to springs of life-giving water. And God will wipe every tear from their eyes.”
Now, as for the words, I don’t have a clue about what they mean about the foreseeable future, but I did close my kindle with a picture of God sitting on a huge throne all dressed in white. I thought; like a king, but kings usually rule with only one purpose in mind. To get rich and control the people in their kingdoms. That can’t be God.
Then I had my own revelation. God, on His throne isn’t like that. He is like a shepherd looking down on us, but not to control us. I suddenly felt He made me just like I paint a picture or write a book. I am filled with great love for these things I create. I take pleasure in forming them, then tweaking them until they are beautiful and perfect in their own right. Then I put them or give them or hang them or eventually publish them to a place where they will go forth and do good in the world. And that gives me great joy and peace.
Today I realized God created me the same way I create my art. He isn’t a mean or threatening or judgmental God. He takes great joy in the “me” that He created and is constantly tweaking me and guiding me to be the best that I can be, so I, too, like my art, can go forth into this world we live in now and do some good. And He gets, just like I do, great joy and peace from this creating of me.
Okay – after I have this “revelation” after reading Revelation, AND asking God to please help me make some sense out of it before I read it – tell me, is this not amazing? This “ask and you shall receive” thing is nothing to mess around with – or maybe, on the other hand, it is.
The other amazing part – it’s 7:50 am as I write this, and it was 7:30 am when I sat down to pray and read it, so all this took place in the space of about 20 minutes. Wow. Talk about working fast. All I asked for was a bit of divine understanding and poof – I get today’s blog post as a bonus.
I wish you all an amazing day. Remember who made us, who takes care of us, who is constantly tweaking us to be the best we can be to go out and do what we were meant to do on this earth.
And so, as another day goes by, He who sits on the throne has provided me with warm, cozy shelter on this dark and rainy morning, and…I have written.
Beyond my window….
Photo: If you look out beyond my neighbor’s beautiful green lawn across the street, you’ll see just white. That’s the marsh and there is a heavy fog hanging over it this morning. I can’t see the cottages on the beach, but I know they are there. So is He.
May 31st, 2012 Ok, this has been a big weekend for Cape Cod. Sunday night, sitting around the campfire, a Facebook friend who lives down the road a piece in Barnstable, posts there's a bear roaming Cape Cod. What? How would a bear get on Cape Cod? We're an island, for God's sake.
As the evening went on, police helicopters roared overhead on their way to Barnstable to check out this bear phenomenon. My friend went out of her way to silence the nay-sayers and posted the police reports. I went to bed wondering how in the world a bear got across that bridge. There are only 3 ways to get here – cross one of two bridges or swim the canal.
The next day my good friend at yoga and her boys go driving around their Barnstable neighborhood looking for the bear. They strike out after driving around for quite awhile. On the way home they see the bear on the side of the road. This is no hoax. He's here. Here looking for food in everyone's backyard. My friend's 13 year old son, Liam Crivillaro, videos the bear climbing a tree on the side of the road. The video went Cape Cod viral. Boston and Fox news were immediately in their driveway wanting to use the video on the news, and the Cape Cod times featured Liam in two articles in today's paper. The news stations have been featuring Liam and his video on TV for two days.
The Cape Cod Bear is causing quite a frenzy. The environmental people say he swam across the canal. The best place to find out about the Cape Cod Bear? Twitter! The noon news at WBZ channel 4 Boston announced the Cape Cod Bear has his own twitter account.
Check him and his travels out on twitter:
https://twitter.com/#!/Ccodbear
So much fun having a bear on Cape Cod!
And so, as another day goes by, the Cape Cod Bear rules, and…for the second time today…I have written.
She saw "The Bear".
May 30th, 2012 It’s a good thing the sun didn’t make an appearance on Cape Cod today, because the humidity was off the charts. Having an engagement this morning, I had to go to the 4 pm Bikram class, giving the humidity all day to grow even more smothering than it was at 9 am.
Uh..oh…here goes the monkey mind – this class is going to be hard. I stopped right there and went back to my rule of “no expectations”. When I got in the door it was apparent a lot of other people were having the same feeling and the teacher behind the counter was quoting Eleanor Roosevelt saying, “What’s that saying? Do one thing everyday that scares you? Like my yoga class?” And after we went into the room to put our mats down, most of us were not only dreading the humidity, but found the room extra hot today.
(Here I have to stop and give honorable mention to my friend’s husband, Joel. He came in and flopped his extra long mat diagonally across the front row, half way into the second row, then laid down to sleep. But as the room filled up, gentleman Joel got up and moved his whole camp to fit 4 more people in. I acknowledged his gentlemanly action and he asked for honorable mention tonight, so this is my thank you to an avid reader.)
The class was my hardest in a long time. It took all I had to keep the breath in control and not let panic set in. I repeated “slow and gentle” as I came in and out of the poses, not wanting to use one iota more of energy than I needed to. During one savasana, the teacher said sometimes in a difficult class the poses will take you to places you’ve never gone before. She said this just as I was ever so slowly laying down after the first camel, feeling things I’d never felt before. The heat was intense, my arm muscles were done, I wanted to hurry through the rest of the class, the open window above me might as well have been closed – BUT she said just the right thing at the right time.
I slowly laid back down and realized this whole journey through loss and fear this past year was a place I had never been asked to go in my whole life. I looked up at the white dots on the ceiling and just at that moment realized why it was so traumatic. Just like the feeling I had coming out of camel, it was a place I had never been before. She went on to say those places can be very deep below our surface and camel can bring them to the surface, so just lie there and let the strange feelings come up and do what they need to do.
In twenty one months I definitely had enough experience with camel to know the deep spine compression of the backbend releases major stressors and emotion. Today, the combination of the condition of the room, combined with the pose, took me somewhere I had never been before.
Thinking about today’s teaching about life both in and out of the studio kept me quiet and in control and I was able to finish the class easily, with a deep respect for this practice and how it’s teachings guided me through this season of my life.
And so, as another day goes by, once again – not fun, but oh so necessary, and…I have written.
May 29th, 2012 Usually my time in the hot room is spent in my right hand corner, tucked up by the mirror, and I practice there rather unobtrusively for 90 minutes. Standing head to knee, as I’ve mentioned before, is my nemesis pose. I fight for balance, but my real problem is getting the grip of the interlaced fingers just under my toes. I maintain that my arms aren’t long enough, but I have yet to find an instructor to corroborate that fact.
In the beginning of my practice I heard that if you can’t get that grip, then don’t kick out your leg. Just stand there, bent over, holding your foot for the entire 60 seconds. Then a different instructor said kick out your foot even if you don’t have the correct grip. She said if you never kick out your foot, you’ll never get beyond this point. So I began kicking out my foot after standing there holding it for four months.
The thing was, now that I think back, slowly over the four months I was making progress on the grip. Once I started kicking out, the grip went out the window and, I guess, over time I developed my own grip – this I just found out today. (Imagine, 21 months of this and I’m still working on things from my first 6 months – same 26 postures; boring? I don’t think so. If you look at the photo, I’m talking about the step that happens even before the first picture shown here. I’ll be 70 before I get to the last two pictures!)
Today the instructor looks really sideways to her right and says, “Linda, what kind of a grip do you have going on over there? It’s very creative. Would you mind showing the class?”
“Uh …no…I’ll show them.”
I turn sideways, modeled my grip, they laughed and said I had a “golf grip”. The instructor told me how, again, the right way, and I tried to insist my arms didn’t reach, but she wasn’t buying it either. She said, “You try a little each day. Each day it gets a tiny bit better. Difficult things take time, both in here and in life.”
Hmmm….I’m struggling with things in the writing world right now where that same advice would apply. I need to stop trying to do everything perfect everyday. I really need to stop trying to do EVERYTHING everyday. I need to pare down my next step, set my next goal and scratch at it a bit, crafting it a little more each day. (New rule for overwhelming days.)
How will I remember this new rule and make it part of my being? Why, in the hot room, of course – every morning when I pick that foot up and push for that ten finger interlocked grip, trying a tiny bit each day will take over and slow me down.
And so, as another day goes by, Bikram yoga is not fun everyday, but it’s so necessary, and ….I have written.
May 28th, 2012 Monday morning. Daughter says, “Aren’t you going to yoga?”
“No. That would not be wise. I can go at 4pm – today I have choices.”
The only choice I don’t have is what is stated in my rule. If I’m home, and class is held, then I have to be there. (Weekdays only) This morning, after four days of lots of music, lots of food, lots of wine, lots of beach, and very little sleep, this morning the hot room would be a bad decision.
After hydrating well all day, about one my husband wanted to go get plants. Hmmm…if I’m busy and not home….I might not have to go. No such luck. We were home by three and I was just sitting watching Dr. Phil while my husband planted the plants.
This is why rules are made not to be broken. In a weak moment, waffling between yoga and cuddling up with coffee and my book, the rule takes over. The decision is automatically made. I’m home watching Dr. Phil. Class is at 4. It’s a no brainer. 3:30 I leave for class.
When I entered the hot room I wasn’t real sure how this was going to go. I began telling myself all kinds of bad things are going to happen to me in the next 90 minutes. Guess what? There’s a rule for this weak moment, too. No expectations about what the class is going to bring.
The class was one of my best ones. The condition in the room was perfect. I rocked the poses. AND we came out of the second camel early and all laid down – I think the teacher said a word we’re used to hearing at the end of it – so she made us do a third camel. A THIRD camel. I’ve never done that and began to panic. Ah..ha…there’s a rule to save me from myself when I get a panic attack, too. Breathe normally, and ease into the pose gentle and slow. I was so busy thinking about my rule that the third camel was over before I had a chance to panic.
Yes, rules are made not to be broken, but to save me in my weak moments of waffling, indecision, and panic. Today my little life saving rules definitely made my day better. I’m home, showered, curled up with my book, fully exercised and stretched and feeling good about the accomplishment.
During class I made a few more little rules to guide my food and drink and get me back on track so I can do it all over again on the fourth.
And so, as another day goes by, it feels good to be rid of all the sugar and salt, and …I have written.
May 27th, 2012 The campfire is about to be lit. The trees are still. The air is crisp and cool, heavy with the smell of the ocean. The sunset is quietly brilliant. Boston daughter and friends have left. NY daughter remains one more night to hang with Mom and Dad. They trickle out at the end of the weekend, just like they trickle in at the beginning of it.
It was a weekend of laughter, dancing to country tunes until 1am and connecting with our kids in a way only a weekend here at the cape can provide. The first campfires of the season have begun. The beach bags and flip flops have been resurrected. New sunscreen has been bought. We were lucky to get two beautiful beach days when we were only promised one by the weatherman. We’ll take it.
Tomorrow everyone will leave and the first summer holiday will be behind us. The gang will return for the fourth and we’ll do it all again. The ebb and flow of life. The coming together and going away over and over again. We come together to share where we’ve been, the we part for a time to go back out there and do more navigating.
God purposely keeps our lives flowing. I used to have a hard time with holidays ending and everyone leaving. Now I see it as my turn to go out and do my own navigating. Instead of feeling sad and empty when they pull out of the driveway tomorrow, I’ll look at it with the anticipation of what God has planned for me this week. Who will I meet? What ideas will I have? What surprises will come my way that will change a course I had planned? What new places will I find myself in?
And so, as the season of summer begins, the possibilities are as endless as they are unknown, and…I have written.
May 26th, 2012 Conversation this morning:
Me: I’m contemplating having some of that chicken and vegetables we had last night.
Daughter: Do you believe her? She contemplates what she’s contemplating to do!
I love my kids. I love their takes on my personality and who I am. Listening to my kids talk about me is better than looking in a mirror. They are so honest – as children are – even adult children. Besides my husband, they are the ones I can depend on to keep me honest. They will never lie to me to make me feel good. It’s wonderful to have people in your life that you can always depend on to tell you the truth about yourself. They’ll tell if you are being a Rockstar or an asshole. They will be honest. They’ll have no hidden agenda or try to spare your feelings. Why do they do this? Because they love you and really want the best for you. This is unconditional love. And, in turn, I love them that way too. I will always tell them the truth. I will never spare their feelings.
Today my friend posted something on Facebook for Memorial Day. It said there’s only two words for this day:
“Thank you.”
Tonight, here in front of my backyard campfire, with my children, their friends, and my husband and I realize those two words make my time with these people possible. I have the freedom to have a lovely home and spend this holiday with those I love because there are others, who don’t even know me, that put their lives on the line everyday so I can experience this evening. My friend is SO right. There are ONLY two words for this day:
“THANK YOU!”
And so, as another day goes by, freedom to love and live as we please, with whomever we want to love and live with is precious, and…I have written.
May 25th, 2012 Boston daughter and friend arrived around nine last night. We sat up talking and working on a Bota Box of wine. Some time around 2am my daughter swung her arm, her wine glass broke, and we called it a night. I said goodnight to them and went to bed because I told them I was going to yoga in the morning. Though they were impressed, they thought I wouldn’t ever do it. Let’s just say by the time I was through my second pose, they were on their second cup of coffee.
Today my husband and daughter’s other friend arrived. The girls went to the store and bought enough food to tide us over until next weekend. I came home from yoga and had my normal protein shake while watching the news. They came home and sat down with subs, chips, and Bloody Mary’s. This afternoon they camped out in the back yard with their homemade sangria. Around two o’clock, my snack time, I found myself with a glass of sangria and a bowl of chips. The conversation went like this:
Me: You girls are a bad influence on me. I usually have a cup of coffee and a handful of almonds around two o’clock. Today I’m sitting here with sangria and chips.
Ashley’s friend: You’re on vacation.
Me: I’m retired.
Ashley: You can give yourself a day off from retirement.
LOL! Next they made guacamole and tortilla chips……best pour me another glass of sangria, too!
Later tonight daughter number two arrives. I can’t imagine how this night will go. And tomorrow is supposed to be a beach day…..
And so, as another day goes by, this weekend remember those you lost, enjoy those you’re with, and give yourself a “day off” – even if you are retired …and I have written.
May 24th, 2012 The gang arrives for the holiday weekend tonight. This morning finds their room still filled with all the stuff I couldn’t find a place for when redoing an upstairs room. The dining room is littered with the mess from redoing the downstairs bedroom. The bathrooms need attention and then there’s the floors. I could feel the anxiety building, so about 8:30 am I decided I’d best get to it.
I was washing the kitchen counter and the back and forth motion of the cloth took me back to the years of other counters I washed this very same way. I started thinking, how many times have I done the same household tasks as I was embarking on today across 36 years and four houses? I remember those Saturday mornings in our first house back in NY washing almost the same kind of counter. I would be hard at work, moving briskly toward the hour when it all would be done and I could relax and appreciate the job well-done. Today it dawned on me: I’m still doing the same jobs and realized it’s never going to be all done. I’ll be doing the same thing a month from now for the next holiday. I’ll be washing this same counter tomorrow morning and the next morning after that.
Instead of overwhelming me more, I was amazed to find comfort in these thoughts. I looked around the kitchen and saw all the other bigger projects that still needed to be done, such as move and clean behind the refrigerator and stove, as well as empty and clean all the cabinets. When I went to put the sheets in the washer I looked at the basement and saw it, too, needed another good cleaning and reorganization. I realized that’s the stuff of life. There is no day when it’s all going to be done. That day I waited for all these years never came. Each house comes with its own living and breathing needs, almost like a child does. The comforting moment in all this came with the realization that there is no reason to hurry. There is no deadline. The house will be neat and clean enough to house the gang for the weekend, but all that needs to be done will always be there. There is no list that I can cross the jobs off of and complete. The house, like the children who live there, grow older, but never “grow done”.
All of a sudden the pressure of having to be “done and ready” by tonight dissipated. I turned up the music and danced through the morning with the vacuum cleaner. Seeing my day as part of a linear ride rather than a vertical climb, greatly relieved the stress of the moment.
And so, once again, change your thoughts, change your mind, change your life rings true, sometimes it takes the mundane and simple tasks to teach us, and….I have written.
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