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April 23rd, 2012 Today has been a peaceful day. The day started with a yoga class that corrected my body from my weekend meanderings through wine, pizza, and spinach artichoke dip. After lunch and a brief rest, my husband and I finished painting the bedroom. Quiet day.
This morning I learned something about quietness from something shared by a friend on Facebook. I learned quiet doesn’t mean absent. I will share it with you below.
And so, as another day goes by, we’re spending a quiet evening in front of the TV, bantering over the contestants on The Voice, and….I have written.
April 22nd, 2012 Yes, TWO posts in ONE day! I do make myself proud! 🙂
Riding back home on the red line to Braintree my daughter texts us “thank you for coming. It was so much fun!” I answer her, then I get to thinking how we came together for a brief few hours, and now we are on our way back to our separate lives.
That’s how it is with adult children. They are no longer at your breakfast table, but they are forever in your heart. It’s wonderful to watch them go out and make their way in the world, so independent and successful. I’m lucky. Both of my girls are settled and happy in professional careers of their own making.
It’s really nice how they make an effort to connect with us, and then text us thank you on our way home. They never fail to say “thank you”. Tonight I’m just full of gratitude for my kids, my husband, and my home on the ocean.
Boston was magical tonight. Walking the softly lit streets outside of Fenway, in the rain, was serene and beautiful. Now, on the train heading home, arriving at the ocean with its own quiet sound of the waves splashing on the shore will be just as magical in a different way. I’ll keep my window open just a crack so I can fall asleep to the sound of those waves.
And so, as another day has gone by, tonight I urge you to take note of the magic that surrounds you, wherever you are, and spend a minute or two in silent gratitude, and, again, I have written.
April 22nd, 2012 Today we had tickets to the Yankees/Red Sox game in Boston. We were going to meet our daughter for dinner and the game. The weather didn’t look promising – a certain rainout. At noon we talked to her and discussed meeting places.
I was ensconced in my recliner engrossed in the second book of The Shades of Grey trilogy, (which we will discuss another day), when around one o’clock the rain started pelting on the skylights and the wind was revving up. I looked at my husband and said, “Are you sure this is a good idea?” He called our daughter and we cancelled. I snuggled deeper in my chair with a hot cup of coffee, savoring not having to go out in this weather.
Two o’clock my husband gets a text from her. “I’m not doing anything if you guys just wanna come up and meet for dinner.” I take one look at him and I’m up off my chair, in the shower and out of the house in forty minutes.
Why did we do this? Because we both know the day was about a lot more than baseball.
And so, as another day goes by, I sit in bridge traffic thinking how lucky we are that our adult children still value spending time with us; when they call, we go, because that’s what parents do, and….I have written.
April 21st, 2012 Did you ever have a day where you wake up early, the weather is beautiful and you have a dozen things on your to do list, but the next thing you know it’s 3 PM and you’ve accomplished nothing? That was my day today.
I woke up early, played around on the computer, and had big plans to finish painting the bedroom. My husband came home from the gym and we got started on the ceiling. We finished the ceiling in record time, then cleaned up and went to the grocery store. When we arrived home, the weather was so nice, my husband decided to go rototill the garden. I went and flopped into my recliner with my book. Here I am on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, sitting in a chair, reading a book, with absolutely no energy. I could be painting trim. I could be putting chairs out on my porch.
4 o’clock I put the Yankees /Red Sox game on and here I sit. The biggest thing I did today was open the paint can and watch my husband paint the ceiling. The ride home from the grocery store sent my last bit of energy packing as I napped in the truck.
Some days are just like this. Body sapped of energy and mind empty of any productive thought. There’s nothing you can do when your body and mind conspire against you and say, “Sit, read, enjoy the game.”
You say a resounding “But…”.
“No buts. Sit, read, enjoy the game.”
Who can argue with this?
And so, as another day goes by, I guess I’ll just let it go, accept what is and sit, read, and enjoy the game, and….I have written. (Go Sox!)
April 20th, 2012 Today in yoga class our instructor had us do a one minute camel, in honor of Mark and Shirley (fellow students), who are away in LA at Bikram training. She told us the story about the first time she did a one minute camel. She said she thought the Bikram police were going to come and arrest the instructor because she didn’t think that there was such a thing as a one minute camel. She had only done sixty second camels and never heard of one minute camels. She thought it was utterly impossible, but she did it and found out that it wasn’t impossible at all. She said camel teaches us that all things are possible. This is just another example of how we bring our struggles into the studio and resolve them there with poses such as camel. A one minute camel encourages us to go out there and do that which we thought couldn’t be done.
For me, today, it’s using Siri to write this blog. A few days ago my stylus just stopped working. It was very frustrating. I started tapping the keys harder and harder until finally I tapped the microphone by mistake. Okay, I thought, why don’t I just talk the blog. Ha ha. Easier said than done. I’ve been shying away from using the voice control to write because I find I can’t think and talk at the same time. To me, it’s a lot like walking and chewing gum. Nevermind the part about having to voice all the punctuation marks, too. Writing by talking is a lot like a one minute camel – impossible, or so I thought.
I took a lesson from my yoga class this morning and decided to give it a shot. At first, it’s a lot like doing public speaking alone in your living room, complete with all the sweating and the nervousness. Then I discovered if I just do one sentence at a time, press done and read the sentence, I do much better. It’s harder, faster, but, just like a one minute camel, definitely not impossible. In fact, it’s like the games they tell you to play to keep your brain young. It’s right up there with Angry Birds (which I gave up on long ago). I’m not giving up on this, though. Today I vow to use it from now on to write my blog and see what new things I learn to make it easier every day.
I’m led to think about the bigger things in my life that, to me, represent one minute camels and new technology. Maybe, one sentence at a time, with patience and consistency, they, too, are worth trying.
And so, as another day goes by, my yoga shows me I’m-possible, encourages me to try something new, to be patient, to practice consistency, and …I have written.
April 19th, 2012 This morning as I began my 400th morning page, I was tired. I was writing about how I didn’t want to go to yoga. In fact, I just wanted to go back to bed. Yesterday I went to yoga, had a full day, and today I just wanted to stop. The thing is, I set a goal that if I was in town and had no commitments, I would be in yoga, no matter how I felt. So as much as I wanted to stay home, I knew I’d be in the car at 9am.
When I set a goal, setting out to do something that seems just beyond my ability, I keep the end result in sight – the proverbial carrot. In this case that means wracking up as many five day weeks as I can because I know that being there is better than not.
When I commit to something, I start off strong. Pretty soon it gets just as hard as I knew it was going to get. I think back to my brave commitment days. The times I said I can do it. Now, up to my neck in it, my confidence in myself begins to wane and self doubt starts creeping in. This is where consistency swoops in and saves me. I might not feel the most confident in myself, but I push through, day after day. Being consistent, even when I feel myself slip, is what causes important changes to take place. I’ve learned patience through consistency. Just do it, day after day. After awhile I feel myself gain a small foothold. Elation spikes through me and I think, “What if I skipped when self-doubt crept in – or worse yet, stopped?”
When days come, where the doubt starts shadowing, remember consistency. That word will push you through the doubt. You’ll gain one foothold after another, and one day you’ll come out the other side a changed individual.
(I had a good class and gained energy for the rest of the day.)
And so, as another day goes by, I’m glad I didn’t have to chalk today up as a “miss”, and …I have written.
April 18th, 2012 Today is word-in-word Wednesday. When I got it this morning, it was another one that caught my attention. When I saw the word OUR inside of sOURce, many thoughts ran through my my that I wanted to share. What is our source of energy? What is our source for creativity? What is our source for problem solving? And the list of wondering what our source for everything is goes on.
No sooner did I form my list of questions to contemplate further, did the answer appear in my next reading for today in Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way Everyday. I can’t say it any better than she does. The way these two selections followed each other this morning, there is no other thing to do than let Julia’s answer speak for itself below.
And so, as another day goes by, sometime the universe provides both the question and the answer, and…I have written.
April 17th, 2012 I have always been an optimistic, glass half full type of person since I was a child. The future, be it the day ahead of me, or years down the road, always held hope. I would say that's how one deals with accepting uncertainty – until fear enters the heart and mind through a difficult situation and suddenly accepting uncertainty turns into demanding certainty. Panic over not being able to control what will happen in the future cripples and you suddenly find yourself sipping from a large glass that's always half empty. Hope is now serious grasping on anything that seizes control in any form. You find yourself over thinking to find a way of out this. You find your mind over taken by the growing, choking weeds of fear. And then…the panic attacks set in. How does one find their way out of this slow growing jungle in the mind?
Consistency. Consistency is the key to overcoming fear and panic attacks. You zero in on the method of solution you're going use, then be consistent with it. Even if, after some weeks, it doesn't seem to be helping, you push on. The next important thing is to stay open to any messages your chosen solutions are offering you. Don't set up expectations – that is just reinforcing "demanding certainty". Yes, now I can say, after the fact, that is how I beat fear and found my way back to the glass half full person I used to be.
What solutions did I use? My faith and my yoga practice were the two things I did consistently, over the course of 15 months. In the beginning it would be maybe ten good minutes without fear, and weeks of bad ones battling it night and day. Through the consistency of prayer, meditation, and Bikram yoga the balance slowly shifted as the weeks, then months went by. Everyday was a learning experience both in and out of the studio. Not too long ago it was now one bad day and then six good ones. The lingering of that one bad day kept, what was now the "fear of fear", alive and lurking in the background. I was on the verge of knocking it out of the park. That's when I really felt the power of consistency.
Whatever course of solution you choose to tackle any problem, consistency is the key. Many times we get excited by a new diet or exercise program. We start a new book. We buy things for a new project. Then, after a time, we let our decided course of action lapse and we still own the problem and have not advanced ourselves too much further. In diets, exercise programs, projects and books we always get another chance to start over. In the matter of conquering fear and anxiety circumstances can take a serious toll on our health and well-being and consistency is imperative.
I look back to last spring and realize if I had given up my chosen methods to heal myself, or at the very least been hit and miss with my practice of them, I would not have found my "old self" and be free of fear and able to accept uncertainty with hope and a glass half full again, today.
And so, as another day goes by, consistency is the engineer of change and learning, and….I have written.
April 16th, 2012 I read a lot of quotes. I mean a lot – between Facebook and twitter and my daily meditations, a lot of smart things, said by wise people, cross my desk each day. I often thought to myself, “Someday I’m going to say something smart and wise and quote myself”. It finally happened and took me by surprise.
Yesterday’s post quoted part of a journal entry that I wrote 31 years ago. In it were two sentences separated by a bible verse notation. I really loved what the second sentence said, but was confused because I would never annotate a quote at the beginning of it. So I looked up the verse. It turned out the first sentence was the bible verse, followed by the annotation, and the second sentence that I loved, were my very own words. In prayer, I said to God:
“I may cry and wince when you bend me, but I don’t mind it. I know you won’t break me. You’ll bend me into a position where I’ll be more durable.”
I actually thought that was a bible verse, but it was my own brave prayer, uttered so many years ago when I was asking God to change my life. I’m astounded at my bravery. “I know you won’t break me.” Such profound trust in an unseen God. A trust I never questioned; like when you fall down backwards and trust someone to catch you. Once you give in to the fall, you have no more control. You have to trust the person will catch you. 31 years ago I placed myself in God’s hands and trusted that no matter how hard he bent me over the years, I just knew he wouldn’t break me. I just trusted he was making me more durable. Today I guess I stand in awe of my own faith, as well as in awe of the God I put my trust in all those years ago.
One year ago I was damaged goods. So crushed and broken that I thought I’d never feel or see my old self again. I remember writing a post in this blog about how I could see my “old, happy, optimistic, self” behind a glass, but couldn’t get to me. Once again, God used events in my life to bend me to the point of breaking. But I didn’t break. Instead, I learned things about myself that I know are going to be essential in the future. I’m
wiser and stronger than I have ever been in my entire life. God put me through many times of intense bending in my 58 years, but never one as close to snapping, both physically and mentally, as this one. It was my first traumatic loss. It was the first time I’ve ever had my heart broken. There is a difference between a bruised heart and broken one. This one is/was (rebuilding takes time) in pieces on the floor, as opposed to just a scratch or a deep dent. God has given me a near perfect life, but I guess he figured it’s time the Pollyanna days were over. There were, as Jeremiah 33:3 says, some “great and unsearchable truths” that I did not know and He had to teach me that will be my armor for whatever is coming next.
Just as He did 31 one years ago, that same God transformed me from damaged goods to durable goods.
And so, as another day goes by, my friend Shirley, who is in LA for Bikram teacher training learning “great and unsearchable truths” of her own, posted something today that hit me hard and I’m sharing it below, and….I have written.
April 15th, 2012 Yesterday, while cleaning, I came upon a journal I started in the fall of 1980. There were only two entries in it. One from 10/17 and one from 10/26. I wondered why I stopped writing. Then I read the entries. The last one on 10/26 went like this:
“I never paid attention to how I was going about my days. I just went. Usually I was out with people to burn up my energy and occupy my time. Always a place to go. Always someone to see. Now it seems I just stay home. Life seems to have lost it’s challenge somehow. I’m left with reality. Pure everyday life. Just home and job, and, in essence, real life in the real world. A world I never stopped to look at before.
My life is changing. My reasons for living are changing. I’m coming out of my “playing at life world” and I feel lost. My mind feels empty. I have no next move to contemplate. No direction to go in. I’m not in control of anything. Oh God, reality just CAN’T be boring! You’ve got to pick me up and use me somehow. Teach me how to work for you. Get me busy in your world. Help me move into the world as your creation. Hey- since I’ve never stopped to think of what you would have me do in this life, I’m new and unmolded. You can make me into whatever you want me to be. I may cry and wince when you bend me, but I don’t mind it. I know you won’t break me. You’ll bend me into a position where I’ll be more durable.Then I can become the person you intended me to be. Change something! 10/26/80″
Seven days later I became pregnant with my first child and I never picked up a pen to write again until September 20, 2009, the day I started this blog.
It’s quite a revelation reading something you wrote 31 years ago. I’d say it was a defining moment. God certainly did do what I asked him to do. I never uttered the word “bored” or “empty” in a prayer again – probably because I didn’t have time to. Now, 31 years later, retired from a 35 year teaching career, two kids, 4 houses, and a 36 year marriage, I must take a moment to commend God.
God, you heard my prayer that day and did it justice. Thank you for the children that changed my life and for all the adventures they have taken me on.
It’s been a beautiful 31 years, and here we meet up again – in a blog instead of a journal, and with an iPhone instead of a pen. Let’s walk through the golden years together, lord….tweeting, blogging, and face booking beside this ocean you created. But seriously,
God,…just…thanks.
And so, as another day goes by, I’m glad I found “where all those years went”, I also found I was just as crazy back then as I am now, (some things never change), and…I have written.
Below is a verse that I used to sing with the children 40 years ago as a camp counselor at Camp Sandy Cove in Maryland. Remember, Karen? The guitar chords are: C, G, G7, C, F, C,G7,C. (I found that yesterday, too lol!)
I still find myself singing this tune in my head. We added a line to the end….”teach me lord, teach me lord to wait.”
I need it just as much today as I did then. Some things really don’t change. God is one of them.
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