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April 14th, 2012 I still can’t believe I’m called back to Ecclesiastes 1:7….
“God does not give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but one of power, love, and self-discipline.”
I even removed it from the wall paper on my phone, thinking I no longer needed to read it a hundred times a day – and I guess I don’t, because it’s engraved on my brain now. During the weeks I needed it, I thought and wrote about power and self-discipline. I kept waiting for the day I’d feel compelled to write about love. The day never came, the verse was cast aside, and I’ve replaced it with the lists defining fear and love. I repeat the the list about love daily, because a real change has taken place within me this week as I finally let go of that hideous monster, fear.
So now what do I find my meditative thoughts centered on? LOVE. The third thing in the verse that I thought I was never going to be called to reflect on. Get this: I actually thought I was never drawn to write about love because it’s something I knew all there is to know about it. Yes, Lord, I’d think, there’s no more I can learn about love. How wrong I was. It turns out “all about love” was the key I needed to be able to let go of fear. Never underestimate the power of God. I’m beginning to see why he won’t let me be his personal assistant.
The last characteristic in the list about what love involves is: needs nothing. How many times do we do or say things to someone we love, just to get a response from them? And when we get that response, it makes us feel better and we go on our merry way. Of course, we do this unintentionally. We think we are helping someone when in all actuality, we are helping ourselves. We are assuaging that “needs everything” part of fear. When we realize this, it looks ugly. That’s because fear, and all that comes with it, is ugly.
Whereas love needs nothing. When you truly love someone, you do not have to keep doing and saying things to reassure yourself that you are loved back. You just sit quietly and know it, releasing the fear that destroys love and relationships. When it is said that love is unselfish, we sometimes think that means giving, and doing, and buying, etc., when in all actuality that is just reassuring ourselves, making ourselves feel better. Being unselfish in love, means doing nothing. Yes, giving and doing for others makes us feel good, but we must be ever mindful of the spirit. Jumping in out of need and helping out IS love, but giving and giving and giving that makes us feel good can quickly act like a drug. Our heartfelt giving quickly turns into heartfelt needing, without us ever knowing, until it’s too late. What may have started off as love, is now fear. Fear of loss. That’s when God grabs us by the collar, stops us dead in our tracks, and says “Whoa! What ARE you doing?”
Many times this is caused by a traumatic loss in our lives. For me, it was the passing of my mom. That event, one I have feared since I was a child, caused me to need everything from everyone who was still left in my life. All the “helping” I was so sincerely doing, was, in reality, just squeezing the people I have left tighter, so I wouldn’t ever again experience loss. Until I lost again…big…but not to death. This time I “loved” someone so much out of fear of losing them, that I lost them. That is how God grabbed me by the shirt collar and began to teach me about love and the harsh realities of fear.
The fears of our childhoods can manifest in our adult lives, taking us by complete surprise. We are then called to face undeniable truths and begin the process of dealing with them once and for all so fear does not rule our existence, because…
“God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but one of power, LOVE, and self-discipline.”
So few words, so much truth.
And so, as another day goes by, it’s all about the journey, and…I have written.
April 13th, 2012 The Herculean task I’m speaking of is going to Bikram teacher training. First, you need about 20K to attend. That, right there is a Herculean task all it’s own for most of us. Then you have to leave your home and family and practically relocate to a hotel in LA for 9 weeks. Money and time aside, while there you spend six days a week doing two 90 minute classes a day, with posture clinics, videos, and lectures in between, running into the wee hours of the morning. You get Sunday off to do your laundry, gather more food, and memorize your dialogue. And that’s just all I know about it. There’s more to be said, I’m sure, from those that have done this most Herculean task.
The reason I speak of this task today is my yoga buddy, Shirley. I’m 58 and Shirley is a few years younger than me, and she leaves tomorrow for teacher training. I stand in awe of Shirley. She is really going to go train to be a Bikram instructor. She signed up for nine weeks that is going to push her beyond any limits she’s ever known and teach her things that probably can’t be found anywhere else other than in a hot room filled with 500 strangers, next to each other, mat to mat, being asked to do things with their bodies that I can’t fathom having the stamina to do. But there is no doubt in my mind that if there is anyone that can tackle this huge undertaking, and come back a wonderful teacher with much to offer, it is Shirley and I’ll tell you why.
In the 18 months I have come to know Shirley, she has become near and dear to me. When I first noticed Shirley in yoga class, a few weeks into my practice back in 2010, her quiet diligence spoke to me. I arrived at Bikram a mess, both inside and out. I was never still or quiet or consistent about anything in that hot room. I thrashed, choked, and complained amidst the sweat and made it my mission everyday to try to defeat the room and figure out ways to make myself more comfortable so I wouldn’t be scared to come there everyday. It was then I began to notice Shirley. Really notice her. She’d come in everyday, set up her spot in the hottest corner of the room, not flop all over, but just go about her practice neat, clean, quiet, and with intention. That, in itself, made an impression me, but as the days began to pass I began to notice Shirley’s diligence. She did the same thing, the same way, EVERYDAY. She never missed class. I began to depend on her being in that corner every morning. Just her presence gave me inspiration and security that I, too, belonged there everyday. Slowly I began to get the message from Shirley, who didn’t even know I was so aware of her from the back opposite corner of the room. I made a vow to come everyday. I began to stop fighting the heat and the other things I couldn’t control in the room. I stopped the flopping around and started to perform every movement with focus and intention, just like Shirley does. I stopped wiping sweat and drinking water during class. Shirley’s quiet, focused, positive energy kept me coming back, telling me there there is something important for me in this room that transcends the physical, and provided the security that I needed to do that, just by her presence each day.
Over the course of the last year I began to talk to and get to know Shirley. She has become a dear friend. I thank God for placing her in my path. She is one of biggest supporters of this blog, and I’m so glad that now I have the chance to be one of her biggest cheerleaders as she embarks on this Herculean adventure. Everyday I will dedicate my eagle pose to her. While in the stillness of the pose I will send positive energy and prayers for Shirley doing such a hard thing in LA.
And so, as another day goes by, to you, Shirley, my dear friend, I wish peace, joy, strength, stamina, and wisdom follow you to to LA on this most amazing journey, and …I have written.
Shirley is documenting her journey in her blog at: http://yogakiko.blogspot.com and I will follow her every step of the way.
You go, girl!!!
April 12th, 2012 I’m reading such a great book that I have to give my review of it before I’m even finished. It’s called “Let It Go” by T.D. Jakes. Many have written to me about my posts indicating they are facing some of the same struggles, so I just have to share this book with you.
Jakes’ writing style is clear and right to the point. He doesn’t philosophize or preach. He just tells it like it is. The most amazing thing I’m seeing is that most everything we go through is basic human nature. The way we act and react to people in relationships, marriage, with children, and at the office is normal and very predictable. If you struggle anywhere, in any kind of relationship, or even if you don’t, READ THIS BOOK because someday, somewhere, somehow you will find yourself in one of these places and will NEED all the info provided in this book. Below I have included the table of contents so you can get the gist of it.
I wish, I wish, a million times over, I wish I read this book a year ago. Much of my struggle last year would’ve been alleviated and serious relationship mistakes would’ve been sidestepped. I always believe that you can never have too much information. Someday you’ll need it and if only I had the wisdom of how the human mind works as written in this book, I would’ve dodged many bullets simply because I would’ve understood the cause and effect of things that happen between people. The fifteen months I spent navigating the landscape of the human mind in total darkness, feeling my way blindly, wasting energy, risking my health, battling major depression, could’ve been wiped away in one fell swoop had I just had the information in this book.
It amazes me how, we, as such complex beings, where no two of us are supposed to be alike, are so predictable in our behaviors. No matter what age you are, go no further in navigating the relationship land mine without reading this book. A precious relationship can blow up in your face in seconds, and then require years to rebuild. This book gives you the “hows and whys” of how this happens. And, as I can’t reiterate enough, it’s better to see the map before you start out on the trip.
And so, as another day goes by, my great service I can do for you today, my friends, is to urge you to download this book ASAP so you can proceed through life well-armed, and….I have written.
April 11th, 2012 A cell holds things. Prisoners, organisms, photo electric energy…. The word “excellence” holds the word “cell”.
Each Wednesday a creative writing blogger I follow sends out “word-in-a-word” exercises to challenge us and stimulate creative thinking. . They are stimulating and I usually have fun playing around with them, but this one today hit me in a special way. Today was the word “cell” contained in the word “excellence”.
When I first saw the word “cell” highlighted inside of “excellence”, I immediately thought of being a prisoner in a cell. For myself, it evoked memories of being locked in an emotional prison for months. Then I looked at the word excellence and saw the quality of my present life. How does that connect? Sometimes we have to be contained in a cell of some sort to realize the excellence that awaits us.
When I was being contained in my cell, it was against my own will. I was being forced to let go when I didn’t want to. I did a lot of crying and kicking and screaming, just as if I had been confined to a 10×10 concrete room. It took many months for me to stop and be still. Once I was still, I was let out of the cell, but not out of the prison. Then it took many more months to loosen the grip and overcome fear. Fear is a horrible monster. It is always bad. It motivates grasping. It seizes control. It insists on certainty and it needs everything. Living in fear of loss is a horrible existence. I spent much of those next months in the prison chapel on my knees begging God to get me out of there. My prayers fell on deaf ears. I had to put in my time. Their was an awful lot of awful to come to terms with and there was no going straight from A to Z. The things B to Y had to offer were extremely important and God was not about to let me skip over them – my usual MO. The journey from B to Y is where the real learning and internal change takes place.
Then finally, after many more months, I arrived at Z and was led to the door. I was introduced to my freedom and a new way of living. The fear was gone and now the letting go was of my own free will. Instead of living in fear, I now live in a place of love. Love always feels good. It motivates liberation. It relaxes control. It accepts uncertainty and needs nothing. I finally realized the excellence in emerging from my cell.
And so, as another day goes by, when God confronts us with an undeniable truth, we must face it square on and adjust ourselves accordingly, and ….I have written.
April 10th, 2012 I still do it. Get up every morning and try to pray my way to a perfect day. Pray my way to a life completely free of struggle, need, and the anxiety it produces. Does it ever work? No. Will it ever work? No.
This morning, just after I completed yet another pointless prayer session, this scrolls across my twitter:
“Need and struggle are what excite and inspire us.” ~ William James
Now I have no clue who William James is, but he obviously knows something I don’t. Then, moving onto my email, I get a notice of a post from a creative writer whose blog I follow. It was disputing the old adage of always “writing what you know”, a concept I used to teach and believe in firmly. He said our real creative work comes from the tension of where an artist lives – on the edge. On the edge of what is believed and known to society as a whole. It is in the tension this produces where creativity thrives. (It’s a great post – I posted it on my Facebook this morning if you’d like to read it for yourself) Point is, twice in the space of fifteen minutes, two strangers on the Internet pointed out my pointless praying.
Then I went to yoga class. The teacher that pushes me to my max was there. The standing series was hard for me today. Once again I was face to face with “struggle and need”. I lay in savasana STRUGGLING with the heat pressing down on me, and NEEDING a breath of cool air. I found myself once again facing anxiety over something that was never going to go away as long as I continue my practice.
In the back of my mind I know that struggle and need in everyone’s life is as sure as death and taxes. What I’m learning now is that it’s pointless to try to pray it away. Obviously it’s there for a reason.
Then it dawned on me. I have to change my prayer. Instead of trying to pray away “struggle and need”, I have to pray that God will show me how to use it to “excite and inspire” me. I guess that’s called “embracing” it; a term I’ve always had trouble with. To me, an embrace is a hug. I’m not going to wrap my arms around struggle and need, but since it’s an inevitable part of life, I will learn to respect it and focus on how to use it.
And so, as another day goes by, lord God help me to accept the struggle and need you place in my path and show me what to do with it – show me how to use it to “excite and inspire” instead of praying it away, and…I have written.
April 9th, 2012 When I was teaching I never raised my voice in the classroom unless I did it with intention. It was always preplanned and what I was going to say was well thought out. It comes from a place of love and results in teaching the children something valuable. A teacher raising her voice as an immediate, knee-jerk reaction to the children’s behavior is a loss of control and isn’t good for either one of them. It comes from a place of fear – the teacher fears losing control of the class and this results in a frustrated teacher and unhappy children receiving negative messages.
In yoga we are taught to come in and out of each pose with intention, taking our time going into it and retracing the steps coming out of it. When done with intention we show respect for our bodies and it comes from a place of love and appreciation for ourselves. When we fall out of poses, flopping all over, smacking our limbs on the floor, we use a lot of extra energy, causing the breath to go awry. Panic and fear can be the result.
In life, we sometimes have to let go of people or things. If it is done with intention, it is done calmly and within the context of a good feeling, and comes from a place of love. If we are forced to let go against our will, it comes from a place of fear, causing anger, hurt and anxiety.
Intention is a good word to live by. It causes you to think before you speak or act. It keeps impulsivity in check. Intention has taught me to move more purposefully through life. 52 times a day, five days a week, coming in and out of each pose with intention trains the brain to move after taking a moment to think and visualize where you want to go.
And so, as another day goes by, it is with intention that…I have written.
April 8th, 2012 Even on Easter, when God has his own big thing to celebrate today, he continues to care enough about my meager life and place yet another piece of his current theme for my days in my path. So far he's spoken to me on the topic of not giving up through books, music, meditation, and my own yoga practice over the past few weeks. Today I learn that "taking a knee" does not mean weakness or a sign of giving up.
I subscribe to a great blog called My Bikram Yoga life. This morning I got the email announcing a new post. The post actually dealt with "doing a double" (taking two classes in one day). The post was good, but it's words were not what spoke to me. Way down on the bottom there was a link to another yoga blog and the post title was "Sitting Down In Bikram Yoga: What it says about you."
My first thought was "It says I give up easily. It means I'm not tough enough." Then, of course, I read the post. In it, the very insightful author taught me about being brave, respectful, connected, and humble – all hidden in "taking a knee". You don't have to be a yoga enthusiast to embrace these concepts. I have included the link below so you, too, can see that "sitting down" for a bit is not in any way an indication of weakness or giving up – both in and out of the studio.
And so, as another Easter Sunday goes by, I find it fitting to "be brought to my knees" on this day, and ….I have written.
http://justherejustnow.wordpress.com/
April 7th, 2012 My Lucado words of wisdom this morning were:
“The God of surprises strikes again. It’s as if he said, “They can’t wait any longer. They came this far to see me; I’m going to drop in on them.”
God does that for the faithful. Just when the womb gets too old for babies, Sari gets pregnant. Just when failure is too great for grace, David gets pardoned. And just when the road is too dark for Mary and Mary, the angel glows and the savior shows and the two women will never be the same again.
The lesson? Three words. Don’t give up.
Is the trail dark? Don’t sit.
Is the road long? Don’t stop.
Is the night black? Don’t quit.
God is watching. For all you know he might be telling the angel to move the stone.
The check may be in the mail.
The apology may be in the making.
The job contract maybe on the desk.
Don’t quit. For if you do, you may miss the answer to your prayers.
God still sends angels and God still moves stones.” ~ Max Lucado
Not only does this passage fit with the other messages from the universe that I’ve received this week, but how fitting for this Easter weekend – and this was not a dated reading – it was simply a paragraph in a story. I am constantly amazed when God sends me, in pieces, a current theme for my life. I remember the theme last fall – the “gauntlets” he threw in front of me to practice concepts I learned earlier in the year. Each day, walking with God, is like an egg hunt. The “eggs” are surprises, sprinkled throughout my day, providing pieces of the theme, opening up my understanding a little more each day.
I would guess this month I’ll be learning more and more about not giving up – from a place of love, rather than fear.
And so, as the Easter weekend begins to creep by, I’m glad he STILL moves stones, and….I have written.
Thank you, Stacey…..I loved this pic.
April 6th, 2012 I learned something very important today. I learned the difference between not giving up and not giving up. No, they are not the same. One comes from fear and one comes from love.
If you’re not giving up out of fear it:
Always feels bad
Motivates grasping
Seizes control
Insists on certainty
Needs everything
You’re persisting with a lot of anguish. You feel stuck. Your thoughts and actions are desperate in nature.
If you’re not giving up out of love it:
Always feels good
Motivates liberation
Relaxes control
Accepts uncertainty
Needs nothing
Not giving up out of love is keeping an open heart and mind. It’s giving God and the universe their chance to do their thing. I’m learning it’s possible to not give up on something or someone and still live in a place of peace. I’m learning it’s possible to learn new truths about myself each day and still maintain serenity.
Not giving up out of love is letting go. Not giving up out of fear is grasping loss with white knuckles and crippling yourself. The two lists are clear, handy reminders of which is which. They are by Martha Beck, author of “Steering By Starlight, a read I think I’ll investigate. These lists were in another writing of hers on Oprah.com and didn’t have anything to do with not giving up, but spoke out to me in my conundrum of “How is letting go different from walking away and giving up?” Let go, but don’t give up is a mixed message, but these two lists clearly showed me how to do both at the same time.
And so, as another day goes by, what a relief to relax the hold, let go, but still not be giving up or quitting, and….I have written.
April 5th, 2012 Well, that just about covers it all, doesn’t it? After writing that title I had to laugh at the amazing numbers of categories I had to check for this blog. The combination is a bit weird, but who am I to question when the universe moves and speaks?
Sometimes I’m sent a variety of things in a short amount of time that have no more in common than a chicken and a rock. The things usually don’t come together to form the big picture until the last piece has arrived.
Jason Mraz has just put out a new song. (below) I loved it and bought it before I was even done hearing it for the first time.
If you ever have any kind of relationship strife (not just male/female either), you’ll want this one in your playlist. You know how with most songs that echo your sentiments you have to throw out some parts because the lyrics don’t apply? Not so with this one. Every word counts. Every word hits home, for everybody stuck in a certain place in a relationship. Check it out.
Bikram – Today in class we had a guest teacher. The camel was extra long. I was reminded that I learned how not to give up in camel. After I did my first one-minute camel last year, I vowed never to come out of a camel early ever again. Camel taught me just how tough I am. Just how much reserve I have. Just how much resolve I have. Just how much stamina I possess.
Mockingjay – the third book in the Hunger Games trilogy. When you read it you’ll know all about not giving up in a terribly hopeless situation.
The obvious theme here cannot be missed. When certain areas of my life let doubt and despair show through, I must remember what this strange combination has taught me about myself.
And so, as another day goes by, “I won’t give up on us, even if the sky gets rough, God knows I’m tough enough, we’ve got a lot to learn and God knows we’re worth it”……and…I have written.
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