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March 25th, 2012 Yesterday I started reading The Hunger Games at 4pm and, with the exception of time out for when Syracuse was playing, I finished it at 1am. Wow. It was a fast moving, easy read, but also a very hard read. (I did dream about being the head of my own post apocalyptic world after trying to sleep so soon after finishing it – I was really gorgeous…but that’s another story.)
I spent all day today thinking about just how I felt about it. The story certainly is thought provoking, but it takes my mind in so many directions, I just couldn’t settle on just one. What I really liked was the subtle backstory between Katniss and her mom. I imagined that would continue in the second book. I just started the second book today and sure enough, it did. I figured since I couldn’t settle on one train of thought for book one, I’d go on to book two and give myself more time.
The book is well-written and the characters are portrayed with just the right amounts of good and evil, graced with mystery, always leaving the reader wanting more. I was skeptical about the all-ages thing, but it’s true – everyone will enjoy it from teens right on up. One thing I appreciated was Collins kept it mostly realistic – like this could happen and stayed away from too much paranormal like in the Twilight series. For me, that made the scary things even more scary. All the while I was reading I had a feeling of someone shaking their finger at us saying, “See! See what could happen if things don’t straighten up in this country?” Daunting. If you haven’t already seen the movie, or, even if you have, I highly recommend this read. I also love that it is a trilogy because I was definitely not ready to leave the characters behind at the end of the book. Too many questions left unanswered.
And so, as another day goes by, back to Catching Fire, wrangling with my thoughts, and…I have written.
March 24th, 2012 When I used to go to the ocean one time every year for vacation, I would, along with my girls, leap from the car without unloading a thing, burst open the front door of the cottage and run straight through it, out the back door and just stop. Stunned. Stunned at the majesty of the ocean in front of me. It took my breath away, while at the same time it comforted me – it was still there.
Now I live on this very same beach. I walk up that same beach path everyday and stand in that same spot. Yet I don’t get that same rush that I got ten years ago. Is it because I see it everyday? Is it because it’s always outside my front door? I don’t know. What I do know is that I still feel very small beside it. Another thing I know is that the shoreline and the treasures it holds for me are different each time I walk it. And still another thing I know is that it is my home. It is my playground. I sit on the edge of a rock and my inner child, my artist child, draws and plays in the sand. This beach is a garden where my ideas grow.
This very same ocean that used to stun me after being away from it all year, now wraps its arms around me. It is still my place where heaven meets earth. It is up to me to take the time to notice how different it is each day and not let complacency steal the gifts God places on this “altar” before me. I came upon a line this morning that says it all:
“We live in an art gallery of creativity and yet are content to gaze only at the carpet.”
The point of the piece I was reading was that God doesn’t have to perform mind-blowing miracles to prove He’s alive and right here with us. His miracle is in the odd shell at my feet. It is in the way a father, with four girls, just came into this coffee shop I’m sitting in to buy a dozen donuts. The miracle is in how he handled the girls, allowing each to choose two kinds of the decorated treats, patiently waiting for daughter number three to make her choice, while tiny daughter, in red glitter slippers, knew EXACTLY what she wanted.
Where is your miracle for today? It may be right across the breakfast table or in a highchair feeding Cheerios to the dog. “We live in an art gallery of creativity…..”
And so, as another day goes by, today Lord, help me keep my eyes up off of the carpet (but please don’t let me trip over anything) and…I have written.
PS- “chocolate dip” certainly constitutes a miracle for me….
March 23rd, 2012 It’s been a rough week. Lots of appointments and commitments, but also some revisiting of old ghosts. After you’ve worked hard, moved on after loss, restructured your life, made new goals, you end up a little exhausted. That leaves you vulnerable. When you’re vulnerable, things you fought and thought you came to terms with in the past, sneak up on you.
That has been my story this week.
I had to go right back to my five principles I learned last year:
1. Be a vehicle for the spirit
2. Give gratitude
3. Practice deference
4. Be custodial and take care of all God has given you
5. God provides the energy for all you do
In addition to going back to these, I needed to rest and regain my strength. As in anything that’s hard, once you feel you’ve conquered it, you once again think you’re invincible and immune. It’s like recovering from a physical illness or injury – the minute you feel better, you think it’s over and you can resume your normal pace or don’t need your medication anymore, and we all know that is never true. All of a sudden, whoops, a piece of shrapnel gets loose.
Today I had to come back to NY to get my car inspected. The timing was perfect. I needed a change of venue, time with my husband and dad, and the warm blanket of returning to the town of my past. Tonight we went out for dinner and drinks at a favorite local haunt, and it just felt comfortable.
When the path starts getting confusing, stop and run back to what you know. Go to where you found comfort in the past. It’s like getting a drink of water when your throat is parched. Ask for comfort from your Higher Power. Revisit old haunts. Connect with those you know love you no matter what. Give gratitude you have places of comfort and sustenance to go to.
And so, as another day goes by, I am so thankful for all that my past has provided to help me with my future, and … I have written.
March 22nd, 2012 Today in yoga we had a guest teacher who shared a fascinating story. She told of someone who had completely obliterated their ankle. They had it put back together with a lot of screws and plates. Then they did Bikram. Sitting in fixed firm pose completely healed the ankle. The plates and screws began finding their way to the surface of the skin and finally had to be removed. The tissue in the ankle was healing and rejecting the metal parts. This took five years. Imagine, they actually had to have the metal parts removed.
Hearts are a lot like ankles. They get broken. They get pieced back together with nuts n’ bolts. The metal aches and is heavy to carry around for a long time. Eventually the metal begins to surface. When it’s removed, the heart is healed and, after a lot of hard work, it’s okay again. But five years? I would hope the timeline for hearts would be shorter.
And so, as another day goes by, Bikram yoga continues to fix those loose screws – in both the head and the body, and…I have written.
March 21st, 2012 I don’t (or can’t) knit. The needles and yarn never quite go together for me. If I do manage a few rows of stitches, the needle slips out and it starts unraveling. The more I pull at the string to try to fit the needle back in, the more it unravels. It’s just better to stop. Leave the unraveled thread sitting there in a pile. Trying to fix it makes it even worse.
I think we can all remember a time where the more we kept at something, the worse it got. Like the yarn, it’s just better to stop and let it sit there. Let it be. Turn our attention to other things. I walk by the pile and pat it once in awhile, but mostly I just eye it from across the room. The temptation to try to reinsert that needle is great, but I know what will happen. I just can’t knit. Time to admit that and move on.
“My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue…” sings Carole King back in the seventies. For me, that lyric rings true. When I look back over the years, all my unraveled piles have been woven and knitted into what is now me. Since I can’t knit, and have pretty much accepted that fact, someone had to do it. When I wasn’t looking, when I walked away, or when I was busy unraveling yet another pile of yarn, someone was knitting together all I left behind and made a beautiful colored tapestry of my life.
There isn’t anything God can’t do. When I take my hands off, He puts His hands on and…voila…my yarn mess turns into something beautiful.
And so, as another day goes by, I’ll leave the knitting to someone who knows what they’re doing, and…I have written.
March 20th, 2012 Today was my 370th morning page. Morning pages are supposed to help writers keep the creativity alive. The rules are:
1. Write as soon as you wake up
2. At least 3 longhand pages – I have to write on my phone due to hand pain with a pen
3. Don’t look over what you are writing, don’t stop to correct anything
4. Never go back and read them
5. Keep under lock n key – no one ever sees them
Morning Pages & Me
Today I celebrate one year and 5 days of morning pages without ever missing a day. Throughout this experience I have come to believe morning pages are not just for writers. Morning pages develops who you are and how you feel in ways and places within yourself that you never knew existed. 370 morning pages on this phone, and I have not gone back and looked at a single one. People often question that. Unless you do this consistently, and follow the rules, this probably wouldn’t make sense to you. I found that not correcting as I wrote and never going back to read them afforded me tremendous freedom. Freedom that allows for self-exploration. Freedom that allows anxieties to be released from my mind before the day even begins. Your thoughts are your own and private within your mind, but they are not organized. They swish around in there and anxiety keeps them circling in a tail-chasing manner. Being able to empty them onto the paper, in total freedom, knowing that not even you are ever going to read them, makes all the difference in the world. And, for the writer, I do have to say it definitely keeps you fluid. I honestly don’t think I could’ve kept up this blog daily, and so easily, if it weren’t for my morning pages.
This morning I’m in Boston, waking up over coffee and oatmeal along the Charles River, celebrating a deep appreciation for my 370th morning page.
And so, as another day begins to go by, Eccl 1:7 again comes into play – “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but one of power, love, and self-discipline”, today, self-discipline shines bright, and…I have written.
March 19th, 2012 “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine……Hide it under a bushel, no! I’m gonna let it shine.”
The words of the the old Sunday school children’s song applies as much in my adult world, as it did in my childhood one. When I was 8 I thought it meant share your faith by doing good works. Now, at 58, I realize it means so much more. Once again my writing journey educates and enlightens me.
I am one to applaud and marvel at the accomplishments and light others shed on the world. People who step up, have confidence, contribute and make a difference, inspire me, but sometimes I think “Who am I thinking I could write a book and make a difference with it?” I make the mistake of thinking I’m being humble, when in reality I’m being small. People who inspire me, do so in a large way. If I continue to be small, and keep my light under a bushel basket, what happens to those who spend time around me? This morning I came across a quote by Marianne Williamson that has me repeating all day long “Don’t be small”.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing more unenlightening about shrinking so other people won’t feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I’ve just begun speaking about the things I’d like to accomplish with my writing. For a long time I was too timid to say much about it. When I first started this blog I was scared to publish it on Facebook. Since I’ve overcome my fear and put both out there, doors have opened and I’ve made many friends who want to do some of the things I do. I love helping people start blogs and encourage them to begin their own writing journey. In turn people are stepping in and helping me with my book project. I now find myself part of a wonderful writing community.
But what if I kept my hopes, dreams, and goals under that bushel basket? I would never have come this far without the help of others and others might have not had the courage or inspiration to begin work on their own dreams if had continued to be small.
God wants us to take pride in the gifts He blessed us with. He wants us to use them to the best of our ability. He wants us to share and have give and take with others. Once again I’m drawn back to Eccl 1:7:
“God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but one of power, love, and self-discipline.”
And so, as another day goes by, we need to shine as bright as the Boston skyline outside my window tonight, and…I have written.
March 18th, 2012 Today was spent having our annual campfire in the middle of our garden burning sticks and winter mess around the yard. It was fitting that after a day spent out in the trees and brush, my favorite nature columnist, North Cairn, would write about what we could learn from trees. After reading the ideas she brought forth, I definitely am inspired to be a tree.
She was quoting a passage out of a very old book she rescued and restored about appreciating life, here, by the sea. The book was called “The Primal Alliance: Earth and Ocean” by Richard Kaufman and John Hay. I loved the part she quoted about trees:
“Birch, oak, spruce, arborvitae, pine, and hemlock, each in their way vulnerable because they have to stand and take it, unable to move like animals in search of better conditions of light, moisture, and freedom from enemies, stretch next to each other, continually in exchange with their surrounding. Trees may not have “passion” attributed to them, but they endure as much competitive ardor, and disaster and tense exactitude as the rest of us.”
The tree reminds me that there is competitive ardor, disaster, and tense exactitude (a great noun) in our everyday lives and there always will be. The best way to withstand the forces of these is to be like the tree – stand there and take it. Trees can’t run and hide and protect themselves. They just stand there in all their great majesty, raise their limbs to the sky, and “take it” – the rain, the storms, the extremes of heat and cold, the wind, and, in spite of it all, they continue to grow and reach for the sky. What a great way to approach the things that sneak up and shake our days – be a tree.
And so, as another day goes by, I find myself staring at the trees outside my window with a new respect, and …I have written.
March 17th, 2012 For St. Patty’s Day today my husband and I caught Hugo at the local cinema. This was, hands down, one of the best movies I’ve seen in a long time. A whole new side of Martin Scorsese you shouldn’t miss.
There is only one word to describe the story – kindness. This movie displayed a huge act of caring, not only in the character of Hugo, but also in the ripple effect through the supporting characters. The overall theme of why we are on this earth and how people cross our lives permeates the film. It’s a story of hope, never giving up, opening up hard hearts, the importance of people who support you like family, and how the art we all need to express fills the empty holes within us.
The most important message that hit home with me was that we all need to be needed, we all need to be heard, we all need a space to belong in, otherwise we are broken. I came away feeling that that it is a basic necessity of life to be allowed to find and express your passion. Without a passion, the light goes out.
This St. Patrick’s I wish you joy in what you do, love for those around you, and passion in your days. Also – green beer and Irish fare help to complete the night. After a meal at Joe’s in Hyannis, we are off to the Trowbridge Tavern for some Irish music and libation. Happy St. Patty’s Day everyone.
And so, as another day goes by, the Irish are alive n’ well on Cape Cod – cause’ today we’re all Irish, and…I have written.
March 16th, 2012 Being a Type A personality and having a lot of them for friends, this little gratitude “burst” hit home for me today. Paul Taubman is my “gratitude guru” and his little bursts of wisdom cross my desk each day. This is one I can so identify with, and my family would agree. My husband and kids are always commenting on how I overanalyze everything. (Is that really true?) Yes, unfortunately, it is really true. I just have some inane reason to know the how and whys of everything. This little message today reminded me to enjoy life on this holiday weekend and stop taking myself so seriously. I wanted to share the post with you, and, after reading it again myself, tomorrow night I’m going to put green in my hair, hang a shamrock or two on myself, and head out to dinner and a movie and just “feel” the gratitude for being able to do so, without asking or analyzing why. (I so want to start talking about how it’s been so long since I’ve felt this way…but, no, I’ll stop right here). Then I’ll store the memory in my heart, not in my mind.
Enjoy the post, then enjoy your holiday weekend:
“Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the
mind.”
– Lionel Hampton
I think this is a great quote! I have a friend who is an engineer
by training and is very logically oriented. For him everything is
thought out. EVERYTHING.
He can explain why his wife was the perfect match for him. He will
tell you with precision why his ‘feelings’ are the right ones
because they ‘make sense’.
There are times when I want to stop him and shake him and just say,
“Stop trying to explain it… just feel it!”
Gratitude is just like that! You need to simply “just feel” it. Let
everything go. Drop the walls. Become a little bit vulnerable and
just feel it.
It is Bliss I tell you! Go Feel it!
Be Well.
Paul.
The Gratitude Guru”
If you would like your own “gratitude burst” everyday, go to:
www.allaboutgratitude.com
And so, as another day goes by, today I give gratitude for being exactly where I am and doing exactly what I’m doing, and….I have written.
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