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January 25th, 2012 Resetting the Compass – Day 25
It's been some day. It started off on a high note. I woke up with my cold almost gone. During my few minutes of morning meditation I felt instant joy about some decisions I made this week about changing the way I did things. It was a lovely drive up cape to my women's bible study. I was excited because we were beginning a new series today, by Andy Stanley, the guy who did the last one that helped me so much. I couldn't wait to see the new things God had planned for our small group to banter about for the next eight weeks. Upon arriving it was great to see some people I hadn't seen in awhile, and I was looking forward to lunch later on with another friend. All in all, a happy day.
The books were handed out and my joyful attitude started to waver. Oh great, we haven't even started yet and God was already beginning to tap me on the shoulder. The title of the series was Defining Moments, which I looked forward to. It was what was printed under that title that made me nervous. It said: What To Do When You Come Face to Face With The Truth. This didn't sound good. In fact, it sounded down right uncomfortable. Anyway, we watched the DVD and had a great discussion and my joyful mood was still intact when I left to meet my friend for lunch. My uneasiness quickly subsided on the beautiful drive back to Hyannis. I met my friend at a quaint little restaurant we both love. We hadn't seen each other for quite a few weeks so I was looking forward to both great food and great conversation.
We proceeded to catch each other up on the events in our lives when I said something that triggered a response from her. She looked at me and said, "Let me play devil's advocate." Oh boy, here it goes. God followed me to the restaurant and promptly took His seat right there at the table with us, even though there was no third chair. In a very nice, gentle, loving way my friend proceeded to burst my bubble of joy. She pointed out that, in fact, I hadn't accomplished what I just finished telling her I was so proud of myself for doing. I had no choice but to look her right in the eye and admit I was just lying to myself and now, today was the day, I needed to – guess what? – Face the Truth. (And she wasn't even at the bible study and I didn't even discuss it with her, so yes, God did come to lunch with us today.) We finished our food and wrapped up our visit. I told her I loved her for her honesty. She's the kind of friend everyone needs – one who gently saves you from yourself.
The drive home was less joyful than the drive there. I wasn't upset, just deeply thoughtful. I tried to remember other times in my life that I refuse to face the truth. Ah-ha. Money. My kids will laugh at this one. In our family I'm the keeper of the books. I usually don't do a bad job unless I get involved in life and just don't pay attention, in which case bills are late and accounts have a good chance of getting overdrawn. Then I usually have to go to my husband, who my kids have dubbed "our financial advisor". His MO is to say, "Lay everything out and we'll take a look at it." Well, since it isn't all neat and pretty, I don't want to lay it all out. I don't want to look at it. I will put it off until I'm in real trouble and it will be twice as hard to fix. (It's a good thing our financial advisor is smart and patient and quickly gets me back on track.) The point is, now it's worse because I refused to face it, and the financial consequences are harsher.
Those thoughts took me to the mall where I had some errands to do and about now Dunkin Donuts was looming large. I quickly shopped, sat down with my coffee and my thoughts about this "truth facing". I suddenly remembered something I learned in the DVD that morning, that in all my joyfulness, went right over my head. If we refuse to face the truth long enough, consequences will begin to reveal themselves. He really said that in the DVD and I didn't realize it until now? Oh, that's right, at lunch I was made to sit right up and face the truth and what was worse, was that just now I thought about what the consequences would be if I didn't "face up". It would be detrimental to myself and others. I would be inhibiting growth and forward movement in my journey and that of others. That's a bit worse than overdrawing my checking account and would be a lot harder to fix. I think it's going to be an interesting eight weeks.
And so, as another day goes by, we're on the cusp of a new month and that means a whole new set growing pains, and …I have written.
January 24th, 2012 Resetting the Compass – Day 24
I think it’s over. I think it’s the end. Even though things didn’t quite turn out the way I wanted them too, it’s the end.
I have moments like this all the time. I’m at the end of my rope. I’m ready to give up. And then something like this crosses my desk:
“Everything is always okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.”
~ Unknown
Then I stop to realize that I’m only where I am today as a result of things I’ve done, decisions I’ve made, and things I’m still doing. All of those things are well within my control. Suddenly a helpless, hopeless, situation is turned around. Going with one of Dr. Phil’s adages, if I keep doing the same things and getting the same results, it’s time to change what I’m doing. It’s not over. It’s not a dead end. With a little examination over what I’m doing now, a new path may present itself and I may learn some new things about myself along the way.
Where I am may be a result of years or months of doing the wrong thing and it may take time to reverse the effects. But why not start now? I have the power within me to examine, change course, and learn. There’s no time like the first month of a brand new year to make positive changes in all areas of my life, especially the ones that are not okay yet.
And so, as another day goes by, I’ll use the compass to chart new courses and change my MO this year, and…I have written.
January 23rd, 2012 Resetting the Compass – Day 23
On CBS This Morning a provocative “love Jesus” video that went viral in 24 hours, was being discussed. The video was of a young man reciting a poem he wrote conveying his message that he hates religion, but loves Jesus. There was also a member of the clergy at the table. The young man believes getting locked into churches and religions undermines a pure relationship with Jesus. The clergyman pointed out that he was also dismissing all the good churches do and the vast number of people they help. For instance, he said in natural disasters the churches are the first to offer aid. The young man agreed and said he didn’t mean to dismiss any of that. Finally, the two of them, along with the news anchors, came to the conclusion that it was the hypocrisy in churches he was speaking out against.
I don’t know if just me, because I’m on the upside of a spiritual journey, but it seems Jesus is taking up more than normal news time lately. The previous weeks were filled with Tebowing and now a college student has a video on his opinion of religion and his belief in Jesus get over a million hits in 24 hours. Could we, as a society, be seeking something in this unstable world we live in? Or…is Jesus seeking something in us?
My thoughts on churches and organized religion run a little rampid. A favorite author of spiritual things, Max Lucardo, must’ve read my mind and taken my thoughts and put them into words like I never could on this subject. In fact, he made my thoughts into a beautiful piece I like to title as “Just…What If..” I offer it for you own musing below.
And so, as another day goes by, this year I will visit some nearby churches and check out the hearts inside, and….I have written.
January 22nd, 2012 Resetting the Compass – Day 22
Yesterday we had our first real snowfall of the season – the kind where you actually have to go out and clean it up with a shovel and a snowblower. Since it took until January 21st to arrive, I can’t complain. Actually, it was a blessing.
My husband and I spent the day quietly in our easy chairs – him, because he needed some downtime after a long work week, and me, because along with the first snowfall, I think I was coming down with my first cold, too. We watched the snow fill up the patio and cover the skylights, giving the room a strange hue for the middle of the afternoon. We put on a big pot of chili and thoroughly enjoyed it throughout the day. It was a warm and cozy, but very inactive day. Along about 5 pm we set out to start the snowblower and clean both our yard and the that of the neighbor. It felt great to move and get out in the night air.
Another reason I was happy to see the snow was now I could gather ample “blizzard” pictures for next year’s Xmas card. After the shoveling was done I began running around the outside of the house with my camera. (I still refused to accept I just might be getting a cold.) The kitchen window, with the candle in it, caught my eye. After snapping the picture, a song I’d heard earlier in the week popped into my head. I began to sing the chorus as I continued on my photo quest. “I’m learning to be the light, oh..oh” chorused repeatedly through my mind.
Once inside the house again and settled in my chair, I looked up the song and lyrics. A part of the song hit me in a place where I needed it most.
It’s called “Learning to be the Light” by Newworldson. In it it said:
“When a heart is cold as ice,
you can’t melt it with advice,
No one wants to listen to
a list of things they shouldn’t do,
So I build a city on a hill
and I light a candle on a sill,
Knowing you’ll be always knocking at the door…..”
Then, this morning, I run across this:
“In quietness and trust is your strength..”
Isaiah 30:15
Nuff said.
And so, as another day goes by, it’s never too late to learn a better way of doing things, and….I have written.
January 21st, 2012 This is longer than usual, but I don’t ever discuss my political views, so this it, in a huge nutshell.
Resetting the Compass – Day 21
(yes, day 21. I feel like it’s a big thing for the month of January to find things in all areas of my life that can be moved a little further along in a positive direction this year. Not big moves. Not life changing. Just enough to encourage me to be aware and maybe do an increment better all around)
Presidents. As a young pre school child I was vaguely aware there was someone in charge of all of us. I knew it wasn’t a king and queen like in my fairy tale stories. As I got closer to school age, I learned that person was called “The President”. Early in my grade school years my awareness grew to know “He” lived in a white house. Gradually I learned the house was big and the job was even bigger. That’s when it got too complicated for me and I figured as long as “He”, “The President”, was alive and well and in his office, doing his job, I was safe, the country was safe, my family was safe, and I could sleep peacefully at night.
My next real interest in to who was in that white house and what they were doing there, was during the Kennedy era. The fact that children now lived in that white house got my attention. I didn’t much care what “He” was doing. He was just a dad going to work like my dad. My eyes and ears flew to the tv only when those children were on and I could get a glimpse of their life in that white house.
Then “it” happened. It was 1:00 in the afternoon, I was in my sixth grade classroom when the announcement came over the PA that our President has died. I was stunned. Those children just lost their dad. That’s all it meant to me. They weren’t safe anymore. Maybe, now, I wasn’t safe anymore. They closed school and bussed us all home. I sat riveted to the tv with the rest of the country for three days. I had to process this. The images of these children whose dad was suddenly dead, the casket, the pictures of their mom in her pink suit covered with blood was more than I could take. At eleven, that’s when the first pangs of political fear planted themselves somewhere in the back of my young mind. That was the first time I actually felt “we might not be safe”.
We then got a new president and my fears of safety began to subside. Since this president didn’t have young children to live in that white house, he was just another political guy and as long as he did his job, he was irrelevant to my young life. The next president that got my attention was Nixon and only because my grandfather dearly loved him, until one day he did something so wrong that made my grandfather deeply, deeply, sad. This president planted more seeds in the back of my young brain. These were seeds of honesty and integrity. Seeing my grandfather in such a sad state drilled home the importance of always being true and honest and never letting people who were depending on you, down. Enough to suffice that Nixon, in some mixed up way, had a positive effect on my future character.
After that, my high school and college years were a time of great political uprising – in the tv – not where I lived and went to school. All the rioting, anti-war demonstrations, free love and the hippie movement brought out that seed of fear that had been planted when Kennedy died and began to grow it. I was too sacred to even consider a state university and tucked myself away in a private Christian college in western NY, where I would be well-insulated from all the scary stuff going on at “those state schools”. I also knew God lived there and He would protect me.
Life after college brought marriage, career, children, a house and consumed me. Although I watched the news, none of the political issues really mattered to me. There were presidents. They seemed to be good guys. They did their job. Me and my family were safe. Life in rural upstate NY was good. I enjoyed this hiatus from fear until 911. We all know what that did to each one of us who experienced it, and to the generations since that we teach about it. We will never forget. We will never let our children and grandchildren forget. My tiny seed of fear is now magnanimous. It drives my life. It drives everyone’s life, even though we pretend we’re not going to let it.
Since 911, we, as a country, held our own. Just hanging on by our political fingernails. Four years ago a savior entered the political arena. His name was Obama. Many, including myself, placed some hope in someone who was so different and had a bag of goodies that was going to fix all of this. Well, we all know how that worked out.
Here I am today, about 54 years since my first moment of political awareness. I certainly don’t feel safe. I am no where near trusting anyone to be good enough to do the job of running our country. Control freak type A that I am, I should just go do it myself. (If you want something done right, do it yourself – right?) Since that is impossible, what are my choices? Our current savior or the guys battling it out today in South Carolina?
This morning when I woke up, I laid in bed with the news on quietly, listening to the latest rampages of Gingrich and Romney – I want an open marriage and so what if I have an account in the Cayman islands? I felt fear like I’ve never felt it before. For the first time, in a voting year, I felt I had no where else to turn. So I turned over to my pillow and I prayed to the only One who may actually be able to do something about our country’s future.
Who wants to be president? Is there some honest soul out there who doesn’t care about money and fame and just cares about our health, safety, and well-being and doesn’t want anything in return? (I confess the Italian ship captain is also having some effect on me today.)
And so, as another day goes by, the compass today points to paying more attention to our political arena – and, I guess, doing a whole lot more praying for the whole lot of ’em, and ….I have written.
January 20th, 2012 Resetting the Compass – Day 20
Today was our first snow on Cape Cod and my inner child had me out in it as soon as I came home from yoga and all my errands. After a quick clearing of the driveway, I headed to the beach. There is nothing more beautiful than snow on the beach.
I turned the corner out of my street and the marsh was the first thing that caught my eye. The snow looked like clumps of marshmallows (no pun intended, but kind of cool it’s there) with the brown marsh grass pushing up in between. I decided my route today would take me left on North Shore Boulevard to the end of the paved road. There I would mount the beach path and walk the shoreline all the way back home.
Turning onto the boulevard I walked facing the wind. I was fearful I should’ve worn a neck warmer. All thoughts of being cold vanished when I caught what was happening on the roofs of two cottages on my right. The roofs were full, and I mean full, of blackbirds warming themselves in the late afternoon sun. Finally I came to the beach path. I was wondering if there was any snow left on the beach by this time of day. Reaching the top of the dune path, I wasn’t disappointed. The snow was left unchanged right where the overnight storm dropped it. It was low tide and the part of the sand that was visible was the part where the snow had been eaten up by the morning’s high tide. I ambled the shoreline in the afternoon sun. No beach glass or particular treasures of any kind today. It didn’t take long to reach the next dune path that deposited me neatly back on the boulevard road. On the way home I met a neighbor. We exchanged pleasantries and moved along as the sun was beginning to set. I arrived back at my doorstep a bit cold, but invigorated and appreciative of this time outside today.
This was a tiny artist date. I had bills to pay, clothes to wash, floors to vacuum, but I hadn’t had an artist date in over two weeks and the first snow provided an opportunity too good to pass up.
And so, as another day goes by, the compass points to more time spent with my inner child artist in 2012, and….I have written.
January 19th, 2012 January is named for Janus, the two-faced Roman god of beginnings and transitions. He looks back at the year just passed and he looks ahead to the new year.
Resetting the Compass – Day 19
Today our yoga teacher said 7 out of 10 people who come to Bikram yoga try too hard. It’s all us type A personalities, constantly trying to stick a square peg in a round hole. We are determined to get it in there. It’s going in no matter what we have to do. We…are….gonnnna….push …through that damn pose and get it perfect no matter what we have to sacrifice to do it. In the process we are agitated, out of breath, heart beating out of our chest, making all kinds of grunting noises, and the weird scrunched up looks on our faces is enough to scare you.
As she was saying all this, I was having a lovely yoga experience today. It occurred to me that I’ve been having a lovely practice all January long. I’m calm. Go in and out of the poses gently and with intention. No flopping around. I’m getting into them easily and holding the difficult ones for the full time. And, the biggest thing for me, I breath normally through the whole thing – no different than I’m breathing now sitting in this easy chair.
Today a girl came and settled in my usual spot in front of the mirror, so I set up camp in the second row right behind her. I didn’t think anything of it because that’s another thing I let go of – ownership of a certain spot in the room. I conquered that before Xmas by moving all over the room until it no longer mattered. Anyway – back to the girl. She was someone I had never seen here before and normally I wouldn’t pay any attention, but for some reason I found myself watching her. She had the right clothes and knew the poses well enough, but there were certain things she did that lead me to believe she was probably into her third or fourth month of practice. In poses where the arms are required to be extended, she kept putting them down to rest them. Probably thinking that if this teacher didn’t hurry up with the set-up she was going to scream. She was breathing hard and labored. She was putting too much strain into the postures, causing a lot of flopping in and out of them. And of course, the constant wiping of sweat and drinking of water, gave away her level of experience. As I lay on my back for savasana, I thought, this girl, unbeknownst to her, was my Janus. She gave me a glimpse of where I was last January, and pointed out where I am today.
I have definitely eased off a lot in my practice of both yoga and life. Things I used to keep tightly clenched in my fist are now free. My fingers have relaxed. I go into my days like I go into my poses – without force. While that is an excellent achievement for a type A, there is a danger, too. Type A’s are very passionate about everything they do – they way they work, the way they play, and the way they love. Therefore it is the striking of a delicate balance to be able to move in and out things in life with ease and intention and not lose your passion. To not push, force, and need to fit that peg in that hole, while not losing the desire to try, is fine line to walk.
Last January I wanted to control everything, (including those stubborn poses). Then I spent 11 months learning to control nothing, but becoming very lethargic, to the point of losing my passions. I swung from one end of the pendulum to the other. This year I will attempt to find balance. I will ease off on jamming that peg in there, but I will not just set it on the ground and give up trying. What I take away from that studio everyday is so important to the way I live my life. The teacher said to not push the peg so hard. Keep turning it gently and maybe some of those sharp edges will soften.
This is one resolution I am not apt to forget as long as I continue my yoga practice. Everyday I will be reminded of it by the way my body will be called upon to move in the heated room. Bikram yoga will teach me how to approach life with quiet intention instead of wild, out of control passion. The control is being moved to a new place within me. A place where it will be helpful to my growth in 2012. Instead of controlling every aspect of my life and that of others, the control will do an about face and focus inward and be channeled into making me a saner, healthier, happier, person all around.
And so, as another day goes by, a well-executed backbend provides a new view of things, and….I have written.
January 18th, 2012 Resetting the Compass – Day 18
Working with hospice patients has taught me a great deal about the “end of life”. When I began visiting my first patient I used to hate to leave her at the end of my visit. I always stopped and got my Dunkin Donuts coffee then went and settled in with her and watched Oprah. Driving home I’d often leave, thinking I have a hard time sitting for one tv show. I have a hard time doing much of anything for a very long time. I wondered how it must be to just wake up every morning just to sit in a wheel chair, beside the same bed, day after day.
One day I walked in and just being friendly I said, “Hi! So what’s going on today?” She answered, with a shrug of her shoulders, “Just sitting here waiting to die.” Needless to say that took me by surprise. Leaving that day, I felt her endless plight even more.
As the weeks went by and I made many more visits, I never forgot what she said that day. I kept looking for signs of maybe some kind of agitation over it, but I never saw any. It became apparent, over the next few months, that she had come to terms with the ending of her life – I hadn’t.
The day before Mother’s Day I was outside in my garden cutting some flowers to take to her and I got the call that she had passed. I felt sad, but I also felt tremendous peace because somehow I had come to know it was what she wanted.
I took a hiatus before taking on a new patient. During that time I had a lot of coming to terms with end of life issues to do myself. Last week I got a new patient. I went to visit her for the first time today. When I got there, her bed was empty. I knew before I asked. She passed two days ago before I even met her. The lady at the desk told me she’s in a much better place. On my way out to my car I suddenly remembered something very valuable I learned during my hiatus about facing the end of one’s life. I remember the ah..ha moment when I read the passage below.
And so, as another day goes by, still more mysteries of this life become a little clearer, and…I have written.
~ Max Lucado:
January 17th, 2012 I love this phrase!
Resetting the Compass – Day 17
Earlier this year I talked about not letting others define me and how this year I was going to just look at myself and discover exactly who I am, now that I am not defined by being a teacher. I was going to stop trying on what others are doing and give myself a chance to let the real me surface. Today our yoga teacher said, “Yoga is an exercise for thinking people”, and I suddenly knew why, for the past year, I fit so well there in the yoga studio, instead of at the gym. Then she said “Just the fact that you walked through that door says you have an open mind.” Ah..ha! I am a thinking person and I am open-minded…..the trail begins to lead me to some insights about myself…..
You know how our brain collects bits and pieces of thoughts and facts, harbors them, and suddenly one day they come together to make the bigger picture? That’s kind of how my transition from teacher to writer is taking place. The other day, in one post, I described myself as a thinker, reader, writer, teacher, and student without even thinking about it. I just said it. The remnants of my working life. I still carry them. For the longest time I felt my work life and my present life were two entirely different things and after retiring, I felt I somehow had to reinvent myself. I began taking on things that other people were doing to find myself a “new identity”.
Clues to the realization that I am who I am whether I’m working or retired were being laid along my path and are just coming together now to show me I had what I was searching for all along. Another clue came before Xmas when I wrote a blog about the Chinese zodiac. My daughters commented on it. We had some laughs and funny exchanges between us over what their signs said. Then, for fun, I put necklaces with their signs on them in their Xmas stockings. I also, just for fun, bought mine, too. I never paid much attention to it until I went to clean up the after-Xmas debris and found the card that explains the personality characteristics of each sign. I remember reading mine while walking upstairs. Instead of throwing it in the trash on the way, I thought “hmmm…” and took it upstairs and kept it and did not think of it again until today.
It said:
“Rich in wisdom and charm, you are romantic and deep thinking. Your intuition guides you strongly.”
That last line comes into even more play. I’ve had a situation in my life this past year that involved ALOT of intuition. My husband can attest to this, because in order to prove to myself I wasn’t crazy at certain times, I had to discuss a lot things that I felt with him. Strange I would end up with a card describing me as such.
Three things, in the last month, came together to describe the “me” I was searching for, but who had been here all along. Amazes me how one sets out to find oneself, and doesn’t start looking right here at home.
And so, as another day goes by, “there’s no place like home” certainly points me in a new direction, and….I have written.
*Photo – a poster my daughter designed in college many years ago to advertise an art show. For some reason this piece of her work drew me to keep it. Fitting.
January 16th, 2012 Resetting the Compass – Day 16
Everyone wants to have strong muscles. In order to do that, the muscles must be worked. Muscles left to lay dormant lose strength and become flaccid. Muscles must be stretched and torn in order to grow stronger. When we work our muscles with weights at the gym, the muscles actually tear. Then it’s important to let them rest for 24 hours. It is during this rest period that the tears repair and the muscle actually grows stronger than it was the day before.
Our faith muscle works in much the same way. God uses providential circumstances in our lives to stress and tear our faith muscle. We feel pain and soreness just like our physical muscles do after a hard gym workout. We need a rest period. That is when we turn to God. God speaks to us in the rest period. We pray. We listen. We take some quiet time. Slowly our tears dry up and the tears begin to heal. After a while, our faith is stronger than it ever was before.
This year the compass moves toward trusting that every circumstance was given to me to help flex and strengthen my faith muscle.
And so, as another day goes by, the harder the workout, the stronger I get, and ….I have written.
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