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January 15th, 2012 Resetting the Compass – Day 15
Sunday afternoon, enjoying the four “F words” – family, food, football, and fire. All four of us, each in our respective chairs, grouped around the TV and, at the same time engaged in our iThings. I put my iThing down and picked up my big, thick Sunday paper. I was enjoying a weekly column by a cape naturalist and came across a beautifully written line:
“At dusk, I find myself sitting on the rocks of jetties or overturned wooden benches, repositioned by wind and tidal surges, taking in the sights of the Sound, the striation of the sunset, the blessing of the bay.”
Being a writer, I love words and constantly seek out books that add to my collection of new and unusual ones. In this sentence I was drawn to the word “striation”. Although I gleaned the meaning from the context, I wanted to see the exact meaning and record the word in my collection. So….I reached down and put my finger on the word. Imagine my surprise when it didn’t highlight and bring up the definition.
I started laughing and told my family what I just did. My daughter says, “Uh…too much time on your phone?”
“What? Look around this room! I’m the ONLY one holding real paper!”
The compass needle points to our unconscious adaption to a changing world – is this good? Should we be more aware? Or does this just rate right up there with how I wait for commercials to go to the bathroom when watching shows I’ve DVR’d, (Yes, I still find myself doing that), and provide another chance for me to laugh at myself?
And so, as another day goes by, I’ll go with raising my awareness of change and maybe, just maybe, laugh more in 2012, and ….I have written.
January 14th, 2012 Orange juice has lead me to one conclusion : life is difficult and always will be. The ducks will never be in a row. (This is not a bad thing)
Resetting the Compass – Day 14
I love that commercial where someone is sitting sitting around their breakfast table with all the problems that are going to be thrown at them during the day and they raise their glass and say good thing I got my OJ. That is my day today. Patriot/Bronco game – going to be frigid – 8 degrees by game time. Husband’s truck- alternator gone. Daughter’s car that we’re taking to the game – needs an emergency oil change or the sensor will shut the car down. Money – what can we ever say about that except there’s never enough. Good thing I got my OJ – oops, I forgot, I hate orange juice.
I need another avenue. Peace. Good thing I got my peace. I got it in a reading this morning that saved me from having to learn to like orange juice. It said:
“If we can find peace, we can act with grace and dignity, our decisions become clearer and less influenced by tension, we can allow things to happen to us and around us without losing our composure – and not because we’re in control, but because we’re completely sure there’s no need to be in control.” ~ Tom Walsh
Hmmmm…..better than orange juice.
And so, as another day goes by, orange juice will freeze solid tonight, but peace will keep me warm, and….I have written.
January 13th, 2012 Important things need to be revisited, sometimes over and over.
Resetting the Compass – Day 13
There are concepts I have learned well – in my head. I can recite them, I can use them to help others, but I still can’t apply them effortlessly. This year, I can already see, is more about applying old concepts than learning new ones. I will probably revisit, in this blog, many things that I learned last year, but in a new way.
For example, a huge one for me is to stop trying so hard. Stop trying to either make things happen or stop them from happening. Last year I spent quite a bit of time learning to yield to the natural movement of the universe. Learning to let go. Learning to let God. This year, if I don’t keep careful track of myself, I find myself receding back into my old ways. Getting out of the boat, walking on water, keeping my eyes on the horizon, and trusting God to move things along without me doing a thing, is something I still need to go to school for. I don’t know how to walk on water, but I do know how to walk and I do know how to get out of a boat, so I’ll do what I know how to do and trust God for the rest. This year I will just give Him what I have and let Him work with it.
Today I got home, arms full of packages, and was struggling to unlock the door. The harder I tried to juggle that lock, the more stubborn it was. The door was open, but the key just wouldn’t come out of the lock. I pushed the door open, put down the packages, and tugged gently and slowly and the key just slid out as if it had never been stuck at all.
I carry around so much inside me and find myself kicking, pushing, and juggling, to get in the door and set it all down on the counter. The quicker I can set it down, the quicker I’ll feel better. This year I need to relax. I need to let some stuff just stay inside of me until it’s the right time to set it down. Being a type-A personality, not having all my ducks in a row, and knowing all’s right in my world before I can relax, is just not realistic. Believe it or not, this is the first time I’ve ever made that connection. It isn’t realistic. What is realistic is to take it easy and let some things lie dormant until the time is right for resolution – and be okay with that. Ah..that is the crux of the lesson – and be okay with that. Last year I could force myself to be still and not try to do anything to resolve anything, but I was far from being okay with that.
This year the compass still points to “easy does it”, but moves a bit further to “and do it easily”.
And so, as another day goes by, I move to a new level stillness, and….I have written.
January 12th, 2012 I can just hear Mrs. O on The Talk. “I am appalled! Imagine! A member of the clergy saying that!” Yesterday I felt like Mrs O.
Resetting the Compass – Day 12
Last night, on the Boston news, they went to a few churches in Boston and asked the pastors how they felt about Tim Tebow making such a blatant show of his faith on the football field. One pastor’s comment caused me to lift my head up from my book and say, “What? Did he really say that?” This one clergyman, standing in front of his grandiose church, actually said, and I quote, “I think God has better things to do than worry about whether or not Tim Tebow wins a football game.” Again, in Mrs. O’s English accent, “Imagine!”
God cares about the THINGS of every living plant, animal, and person on this Earth. Football is Tim Tebow’s THING. God cares very much about it for that reason. I’m a nobody and God cares about my THING. In God’s eyes, my THING and Tim Tebow’s THING are equally as important. Each and every one of our THINGS is of equal importance to God – right up there with world peace and the economy. That’s why He’s God. He is omnipotent. He doesn’t have to prioritize. Each one of our tiny, minute, prayers is of paramount importance to Him. For that pastor to stand there and say God has better things to do than listen to Tim Tebow is, as I so know Mrs. O would say, “Appalling!”
You see, it’s not the football game itself that engages God. It’s the work God does in Tim Tebow through the use of the game that means so much to him. For that pastor to dismiss what is important to Tim and suggest God feels the same way, makes me both mad and sad. Sad for the people that go to that church and listen to the teachings of such a man, and mad that a clergyman would even propose such a thing.
If I take away anything from this incident to help reset my compass this year, I come away with a renewed realization of just how important each and every thing I do and say, every second of every day, is to God. I matter. You matter. Tim Tebow and his football game matter.
And so, as another day goes by, this morning I thanked God that we have 50 yard line seats, fourth row up, right behind the Patriot’s bench, for this game….and I have written.
January 11th, 2012 …to defining it, that is. Love has two such extremes – it’s both beautiful and painful, and hard to understand.
Resetting the Compass – Day 11
Being the the thinker, writer, teacher, and student that I have been all my life, causes me to question the things man has been questioning since the beginning of time. I was born and raised on the the premise that God is the great creator of the universe. That’s okay. I like to think my God is that majestic and powerful. Then I have a problem with that. If God is the only one that can do whatever He wants, then why did He let pain and evil into the beautiful world He built? He made the plants and animals all good. They just exist and do their job everyday contributing to the world God made. They don’t have any choice to choose good or bad. They just are. Then God makes man and gives man a choice. God allows evil to be the alternative to good. Why would He DO that? Why didn’t he just make man all good, without a choice, like the plants and animals?
All those deep questions I struggled with for years, and today, I run across a simple line in a reading by Max Lucardo that begins to answer my question. Millions of books and papers have been written on this question, and the answer, for me anyway, lies in one simple line. God was showing the future of His creation to an angel. The angel said, “Wouldn’t it be easier not to plant the seed? Wouldn’t it be easier not to give the choice?”
“It would,” the Creator spoke slowly. “But to remove the choice, is to remove the love.”
Wow. Profound. To not give man the choice, is to remove the love. Love is the reason we have a choice. Though He is constantly moving within our lives, He never forces our hand. He will give us providential circumstances and relationships, but to act in accordance with His will for us, is ultimately our choice.
And so, as another day goes by, this year I will remember I always have a choice when it comes to doing the right thing – because of love…and…I have written.
January 10th, 2012 Resetting the Compass – Day 10
Minute particulars. I came across that phrase this morning and liked it. I liked the way it sounded. I liked the way it was being used. It was a rather unique way to restate “stop and smell the roses”. “Minute particulars” – all those beautiful things that cross our paths each day, but in our rushing around, we miss seeing and appreciating them.
I tried writing this early this morning and then realized I didn’t have any minute particulars to notice until I went through the day. In yoga I so loved the cracking open of the window. The cool air starting at my toes and finally reaching my face. Then, going to the supermarket I loved the sheer joy of pushing the cart to the car in the warm 50 degree sunshine – on January 10th. Next came my warm shower, clean clothes, and the best part of the day – lunch and afternoon tv. Today I sat in my chair, with the warm sun on my legs and just appreciated my livingroom and the fact I can spend afternoons there. None of these are earth-shaking moments and most happen everyday.
“Life is full of “minute particulars”, and we have to choose: do we recognize them and give thanks for them, or do we continue to let them have no positive effects on our lives at all?”
~ Tom Walsh
What an easy, no cost way to boost our spirits and bring a little “feel good” to our ordinary days.
And so, as another day goes by, I will become more aware of the “minute particulars” that cross my path each day this year, and….I have written.
January 9th, 2012 Resetting the Compass – Day 9
Busy is good! That has been my husband’s and my favorite saying for years now. We use it to describe the girls when they write to us about how much they have to do in so little time. We use it to describe us on rainy Saturdays when we attack the basement instead of sitting in the easy chairs. We used it to describe me last year when I was fighting my way back to me. Yes, busy is definitely good.
Though vacation days and “me days” are meant for relaxing, most days are better lived busy. Today I drove back to the cape from NY, made it to 4 pm yoga, then went to Hyannis at 7 pm for a CC Writers board meeting, and now I’m home finding dinner and writing this blog. Busy keeps me out of trouble. Busy engages my mind and keeps it out of places, that, if not thought about in ways meant for learning, can be damaging and a real waste of time. Busy helps me decide what’s important and gets things accomplished. Busy gets my mind off of myself and enables me to be of use to others. Busy helps me make the best use of my time and saves me from dwelling on past mistakes and beating myself up over them. The needle moves in the direction of making 2012 an extremely busy year.
And so, as another day goes by, this was a busy one, and it was good, and…I have written.
January 8th, 2012 ….then what is it about?
Resetting the Compass – Day 8
It’s important to know how to set goals in life – big ones, small ones, long and short term ones, etc. I have always been a master goal setter right from my Barbie Doll days on through my career and marriage days. When I was five, Christmas was my long term goal. I wanted a “kitchen”. I wanted to be my mom. I remember having the vision of playing house in that kitchen in my head for months. In fact, I played in that kitchen so much in my mind before I got it, that when I finally did get it, I had nothing left to do in it and by the end of January my kitchen became obsolete in my toy world and I was on to setting a new goal for the following Christmas. What I didn’t realize at that young age was that during all that house playing in my mind I imprinted and taught myself how I was going to raise two babies and handle a home and a family years later.
This year my compass is pointing to less focus on the goal and more appreciation for the journey getting there – no matter how difficult it is. I’m starting in small ways. At the gym and in yoga I have begun settling in and enjoying each stretch and breath instead of focusing on “let’s get to the end of this”. When I have to drive to Hyannis for an annoying errand, I now appreciate that I can’t drive faster than 40 on the cape and I put on music and really get enjoyment out of the time it takes me to get there.
I’m hoping this thinking will translate to my long term goals – in writing, in art, in relationships, in spirituality, in weight management, etc. Though these long term journeys are difficult, I need to savor and appreciate what it takes to move through each one. I also need to appreciate what I learn and how I change when I’m stuck and spinning my wheels in my quest to achieve, conquer, finish and arrive, because, as Ursula K. Le Guin says:
“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.”
And so, as another day goes by, my journeys may be difficult and not always enjoyable, but this year I will learn to respect and appreciate what is happening to me along the way, and….I have written.
January 7th, 2012 Resetting the compass – Day 7
“I love you lord and I pray all this in your most holy name, Amen.”
My morning pages (all writers know what morning pages are) have turned into my morning prayers the second day I began writing them. This morning I noticed there are 297 entries in my morning pages. I have written my morning pages for 297 days now. In my morning pages I pray for people everyday. If you are one of those I pray for, I have prayed for you for 297 days now and I certainly hope God has moved in your life and changed it for the better.
For those of you who are not writers, let me take a moment to tell you what morning pages are. Morning pages are three pages of uninhibited writing that you do as soon as you wake up. You grab the pen and just go on and on about whatever is in your head. You don’t care about punctuation or grammar because you or no one else is ever going to see your morning pages. You just write them. You never go back and read them. It’s a writer’s way of keeping the creativity flowing. I get up each day, make my tea, sit down and open the notebook on my iPhone and just let the thoughts flow onto the screen before anyone else is awake or before I have a chance to “get busy” with things around the house. It’s so freeing to just talk and not worry about what you are saying.
As I said earlier, by the second day of doing morning pages, it was apparent that they were to God. Morning pages became absolutely free, uninhibited conversation with my God every morning now for 297 days. For 297 days I gave Him my first few minutes. Now, writing on the iPhone – I mentioned that above for a reason – obviously you have the convenience of auto-correct so you can write very fast. I always found long hand on paper for me to be very difficult as I think way faster than I could ever write with a pen, so the advancement in technology greatly improved my writing frequency. Anyway, back to auto-correct. The quote I began this piece with is the sentence that ends my morning pages everyday. Today, for the 297th time, the auto-correct changed the word “love” to “live” and for the 297th time I had to change it, with frustration, back to “love”.
Today it struck me as maybe there was a divine message here and I’d been missing it. (God knows it takes at least 297 times for me to actually assimilate some things He tries to tell me.) If I left it alone, and let the auto-correct do it’s thing, it would say:
“I live you, Lord.”
Hmmmm….. “I live you, Lord.”….is that really such a bad thing?
And so, as another day goes by, the needle moves in yet another direction, and….I have written.
January 6th, 2012 Resetting the compass – Day 6
“When it comes to life, the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude.”
~ Gilbert K. Chesterton
Due to living in Cape Cod, I never see my teaching colleagues much anymore. No, I shouldn’t blame geography. I do remember resolving to keep in touch and connect with them often whenever I’m back in NY. Over the last year that is another thing that used to be important to me that got lost in my emotional shuffle. I remember being here in NY many times over the past 12 months and thinking about getting in touch with my oldest and best friends – but I would often think of it on my way out of town. The few times I did think of it while I was in town, it was just too much effort. Life was too much effort. It was all I could do to drive myself here for the things I needed to be here for. (And I remember crying non-stop the whole four drive here – a dangerous thing as tears make for blurred vision.)
Last week I surprised myself. I sat right down and wrote to my two closest teacher friends and let them know I was coming to town and wanted to see them. Barb and Mary Jo were my first friends in kindergarten after teaching fourth grade for twelve years. We taught together for some 10 to 20 years. The date materialized and today we had a three hour lunch at one of our favorite haunts. The long catching up session reminded me of the things and people I miss from my past life in this town. Instead of feeling sad, for the first time in a long time the nostalgic feelings energized me. I listened to their lives since retirement and they listened about mine. They asked questions and suddenly I had a lot to say. As I listened to myself talk, feelings of gratitude began hovering over me. I had a life. I do a lot of things.
Sometimes when we are consumed by the details that carry us through our day, we lose sight of the big picture. I tend to pick a small part of something and obsess over it until it covers the big picture. Today, it was not until I was asked about my life after retirement, that the big picture came back into focus. For the first time in over a year the thought of going back to my “cape life” was not exhausting and filled with “have tos”. After leaving my friends I immediately emailed my hospice supervisor and accepted the new patient she had for me. My first board meeting for CC Writers is Monday night. Next I have lunch with a friend, a bloggers meeting, and Writers Night Out coming up next week. Today, reconnecting with my past helped reset the compass for the future. My “have tos” have morphed into “get tos”. A few more of those loose screws in my head have been sufficiently tightened.
And so, as another day goes by, today I felt the first heartbeats of the healthy, enthusiastic, positive person I used to be, and….I have written.
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