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December 26th, 2011 Christmas at the cape was actually better than I thought it would be – especially food wise. We were in control of our menu and aside from some pierogis, some wine and a few eggnog martinis, we did pretty well. We actually had no Xmas cookies or candy to walk by and snack on and that helped a lot. So, today, the day after I feel pretty good. Spent the day with a blanket and talk shows while my daughter read all day on the couch. About 3 pm I decided it was time to mosey on down the road to yoga. That was a good decision. Tonight, all bent and stretched, I sit, with a glass of wine, remembering the highlights of yesterday.
All hands down, my Boston daughter’s boyfriend stole the gift giving show. He surprised her with an iPad that she’d been saving for. Well – you would’ve thought he gave her a diamond. She cried and cried and kept saying “You really got me an iPad?” And then he turned it over and pointed to the back. He had it engraved “to the girl he loves”. Well – that just started another barrage of tears. I think it was the best Xmas gift she ever got, which tells me the right boy has joined our family. He has the ability to make her happy – not just by buying her an iPad – but by paying attention and knowing what she has her heart set on.
And if that wasn’t enough. His gifts to her sister and my husband and I were equally show-stopping – but in a hilarious way. The boy also has a sense of humor. He got her sister a pillow that is half a boyfriend with one arm to put around you. We laughed until our sides hurt.
And that still wasn’t enough. I can’t even tell you what he got my husband and I. You’ll just have to look at the photo below.
And so, as another day after Xmas goes by, I’m glad there’s such a boy to love my daughter as much as I do, understand her even better than I do, and…I have written.
December 25th, 2011 Thinking back, I’ve never had a bad Christmas. Some have been touched by the sadness of loved ones no longer with us, but they were not bad. All my life I had wonderful parents and grandparents who went out of the way to make sure my siblings and I were never disappointed on Christmas morning. They developed and held traditions and foods throughout the years so that even when I was in college, and later married, Christmas always meant coming home.
Certainly as I aged, my Christmases changed and evolved over the years, especially with the arrival of my own children. I remember returning home from the celebration at my parents house and sitting up late at night one Christmas eve, by the light of the tree rocking my first child, only 4 months old on her first Christmas. I remember looking down at the child sleeping so peacefully in my arms and thinking how I’ve never loved anyone in quite this way before. The love of a child by its mother was stunning. No one but another parent could understand this feeling. Then tears began to trickle down my cheek as I realized that this must be how much my parents loved me all these 28 years. You can never know that until you hold your firstborn in your arms. Within minutes I felt the awe of the tremendous responsibility set before my husband and I. It is our turn to see to it that this child has traditions she can count on in the years to come.
Today, as I look around our living room, dinner cooking and adult children playing on their i-things with Christmas music playing in the background, it’s evident my husband and I have done our job. As far as the meaning of Christmas goes, I think my children have gotten that too. Today I read a piece in the Cape Cod Times about a father sitting on the floor with his 6 year old son as they unpacked the manger. The child asked his father what this was all about. The father decided the only way to really explain it was to read it to him out of a children’s Bible. He read just the nativity scene to him. When he finished, his son said, “So, it’s God’s birthday?” He explained a bit more how God, the Creator of Everything, emptied Itself and became an infant child, growing up here on Earth, within a particular space and time. At the end of the explanation the boy looked up at his dad and said, “God was showing us how to be a person.”
I can’t think of a simpler way to state the meaning of Christmas. Looking at my daughters today and listening to their stories about their adult lives over the last two days, its evident they got the idea.
And so, as another Christmas Day goes by, once again I see Christmas through a child’s eyes, and ….I have written.
December 24th, 2011 A small tree, a few presents, and each other are all that’s needed to celebrate this night…..
And so, as another day goes by, I am in deep appreciation of where I am and who I’m with, Skypeing with family back in NY for the dinner prayer, and…I have written.
December 23rd, 2011 Christmas, if you look past the shopping, presents, cleaning, food prep, decorating, and wrapping, is a wonderful holiday all on its own. It’s the only holiday that doesn’t matter what your past was like, who your family was, or whether or not you even had one. Neither your nationality, religion, tribe, or country you live in matters. It doesn’t matter what you do for a living or how much money you have or don’t have. Christmas is only about forgiveness and love and it’s just sitting there for anyone from any walk of life to take. It only requires one thing – that you believe. You don’t have to organize, argue, or theologize. All you have to do is believe and you are loved and forgiven.
And so, as another day goes by, a holiday that is about belief, forgiveness and love is alright by me, and..I have written.
December 22nd, 2011 For the past month I’ve watched that commercial where the the girl jumps up and down with the two big bags in front of the guy sitting on the couch yelling “Done! Done, done, done!”
For two weeks I wanted to be her and tonight I finally am. All done! Done, done, done. Food, presents, shopping, and cleaning – all done. And with a day to spare. One daughter is driving as I write and is almost here. The other arrives tomorrow. With everything done, they’ll be time to just sit around the fire and listen to them talk about life in their worlds. That is all I want to do. Sit and listen. Really hear where they’re headed in 2012.
This will be our first Xmas alone without the extended family and I get a feeling it will be a pretty special one. So to be “Done! Done, done, done!” and have nothing else to do but sit in my chair and watch my family just be my family is the best gift I could get this year (along with that iPhone).
“Live every act fully as if it were your last.”
~ Buddha
And so, as another day goes by, I hope you, too, are “Done! Done, done, done!”, and….I have written.
December 21st, 2011 Today my husband and I took a much needed break from hospitals and holidays. We went to see The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and then out to dinner.
The movie was fabulous! I read all three books and was a fan since the books came out. I’ve gone to see other movies based on books I’ve read and nine times out of ten was disappointed. For some reason the screen writers just can’t capture the essence of the relationships between the characters as they’re depicted in the book. In this movie I give kudos to the screen writers. They included just enough to give the viewer a good idea of just how each character connected and still kept the story true to screen format. Not an easy skill.
If you haven’t read the books, read them. Them go check out the first movie in the series. Rooney Mara, granddaughter of NY Giants co-owner Wellington Mara, gave an Oscar winning performance. She brought the role of Lisbeth Salander to the big screen in a big way.
My husband and I both enjoyed the movie. (first time I didn’t drag him to a chick-flick) And if you’re a Cape Codder, and see the movie in the Cape Cod Mall, you can take your ticket to Joe’s for dinner, and get 15% off your bill. For the husbands, you can’t go wrong. Make it a “date night” this holiday season.
And so, as another day goes by, running away from the holidays was fun, and …I have written.
December 20th, 2011 Today in yoga class I was laying very still during the savasana, and the teacher said, “The only thing you can control in this room is your breath.” I have been going to yoga for 15 months, 3 or 4 times a week, and over the course of that time the teachers must have said that exact phrase well over 200 times, yet today is the first day I really heard it. I remember laying there thinking, “Wow, she’s right. I can’t control the heat, the windows, the door, the amount of or speed with which she delivers the dialogue – I can’t control any other factor that would make this easier for me – except my breath””.” And for some reason today, that really hit home.
In between poses, during the remaining savasanas, it began to occur to me that outside the studio it’s the same. The only thing I can control with any surety is my breath. No matter how many plans I make or thoughts I have, I don’t know what is going to happen for sure. All I really know is I can control how I breathe. That simplifies life quite a bit. There’s no way any of us can know what life has in store for us, but we can use our breath to see us through it.
For 58 years I spent Xmas with my mom and dad and brothers and sisters and whatever would make me think this year would be any different? Due to my husband’s recent heart difficulties, we decided to remain in Cape Cod this year and have our girls come here. At first I was excited – our first Xmas on the cape in our own home. Then it struck me that it will be the first Xmas of my entire life apart from my dad and siblings. I didn’t know how to take that. Then I remembered the breath. The only thing I can control to make my life less anxious and a bit easier during difficult times, was my breath.
Once outside in the car, I sat still for a few minutes and took a few cleansing breaths before starting home. It’ll be different this year, but it will be okay. Tonight both kids called and said they were excited to spend Xmas home for the first time and were overflowing with plans. Then they sprung a new idea on us – they both want to spend New Year’s Eve here too. Something I hold precious just occurred. My adult children WANTED to come spend New Year’s Eve with their PARENTS. A rarity these days. I guess my husband and I did something right after all.
A year ago not going home for Xmas would’ve really upset me. It’s what I’ve always done. This year, for some reason, I can handle it, quietly, and with a smile. It’s the shedding of the final thing – the big one – control. 12 months ago relinquishing control threw me into a depression. Now, after one year of taking a good hard look at myself, I no longer want control. I am more than eager to leave it all in God’s hands. Before leaving the house this morning I whispered to God, “Whatever you decide. I’ll let my husband make the call to go or stay, without influence from me.” When I got home he told me he called my family and broke the news that we wouldn’t be coming. And I was okay with it. Not sad or anxious at all. It’s a milestone for me. I really had “let go and let God”.
And so, as another day goes by, there really is peace and freedom in letting go – it’s not just a rumor, and ….I have written.
December 19th, 2011 With two emergency room visits in three days with my husband, needless to say the stress and anxiety were on the rise in our house today. Thankfully as the journey through a-fib continues, we are now better educated and are arriving at a plan. Seems he goes in and out of a-fib a lot and this is driving us both crazy, so after the holidays he is going to have a procedure that will take care of it. That leaves me wallowing in the aftermath – tired from all the anxious moments.
I learn from my beach walks. I usually amble the shoreline slowly, with my eyes hunkered down on my feet, looking for the elusive shell or shard of sea glass. After awhile I stop and raise my head and look out over the water. Then I see it. The horizon line where the water meets the sky. I’m always surprised and have the same thought each time I see that sight. I whisper to myself, “This is where heaven meets earth.”
Suddenly the rocks, shells, and sea glass pale in importance when in comparison to the vastness of “heaven on earth”, as do my difficulties and anxieties when held up against all the other things and people my life is made up of. My difficulties don’t disappear, but my anxiety diminishes. They appear manageable hills instead of impossible mountains. I usually return from my beach walks calmer and somewhat energized. Nothing was solved, but a new perspective was always gained.
And so, as another day goes by, I need to remember to keep my head up and my eyes on the horizon line, and….I have written.
December 18th, 2011 The rat is a rodent despised by most. He forages for food at night, running to and fro, peering around corners, over and under things, in fear of being caught. Even its face, with its beady black eyes and pointed nose, looks angry and mistrusting.
A few years ago my husband and I were dining at a Chinese restaurant. The placemats had the Chinese zodiac printed on them, along with the horoscope for each animal. I was born in the year of the snake, but don’t remember what my forecast was. I was really taken aback by what one prediction for those born in the year of the rat said. It said those born in the year of the rat would never be able to maintain any long term relationships. I often wonder if this is due to the mistrusting nature of the rodent.
Upon checking the birth years of people I knew, I found I did know some “rats”. True to form, long term relationships were not their MO. This really bothered me because I couldn’t think of anything sadder in life than to be alone in yourself, without permanence, and only superficial bonds to tide you through. I vowed then and there that I would be their long term relationship and love them and hang with them through thick n’ thin.
Sounds very noble and is a nice thought. Those born in the year of the rat do not trust easily, if at all. They shut their hearts and build impenetrable walls. Maybe, just maybe, one time in their life they’ll let someone climb up the wall and peer over the top into the depths of their heart. If you happen to love a “rat”, you have to realize just how fragile that trust is. It’s like holding a trembling baby bird in the palm of your hand – don’t squeeze too tight. If you do, you will see how the horoscope proves itself true.
Love, all love, is work and it is the element of trust that makes it so. Below I offer the solution to all my “rat” people. It’s called “The Work of Love”. The Chinese zodiac is so wrong. It is possible for everyone, even “rats”, to maintain long term relationships.
And so, as another day goes by, “when truth is held in compassionate hands, the sharpness of love becomes clear and not hurtful”, and….I have written.
December 17th, 2011 Back in high school I read My Antonia by Willa Cather. It’s funny, I don’t even remember the what the story was about, but I can picture the mint green cover and can still smell the library book odor. The book made a mark on me and impacted me enough to be able to see it and smell it in my mind after all these years, without even being able to recount the storyline.
Today a quote by Willa Cather scrawled across my desk:
“There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.”
Now I remember. Oh not the storyline, but Willa Cather’s way with words. She said things in such ways that they meant something to a fifteen year old. (and in the midst of a story that took place in the 1800’s, no less) This quote defines the way changes take place within me. I learn facts, skills, and theories best in calm, but if I am to learn anything that actually changes who I am, the course of my life, or causes an emotional shift within, for me, it is always learned in storm.
Storm destroys and breaks down. New learning that is to become part of one’s make up usually grows from the destruction of one storm or another. (at least in me it does). During times of calm, things that enhance my current life are learned. Learning to play the guitar, draw, paint, and write, are, for me, learned in a calm, non-threatening, environment. But things such as depending on my higher power, being still, giving gratitude, being custodial with all God has given me, and practicing deference, are better learned through a storm – you know – like when God says no, I stamp my feet, and we fight until I finally go limp and let Him do it.
He lays something on my heart for months and I resist it, thinking I know best, putting myself through all kinds of anxious pain. And it is only when I finally relent, that the pain goes away and I experience peaceful days. Sounds like us bringing up our children, right? And that’s why we call Him Father. God as our Father can be a comforting thing – or not. That depends on our own experiences with our fathers that shaped our concept of that role, but that is a topic for another day in the blog. Today I will just be content with Willa’s words.
And so, as another day goes by, the smell of library books in the old Perth Central School library up there on the the top floor, with the afternoon sun streaming in the windows, reminds me of why we have storms in life, and….I have written.
(seems they’ve changed the cover since then…)
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