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December 16th, 2011 Tonight I took a silent Bikram class. It was absolutely amazing. The instructor just says the name of the pose, begin, and change. The room is completely silent and everyone moves together. In the silence, it almost feels like a group dance.
By the middle of the standing series, I found myself completely alone with my practice. As I sank into the poses, I really became my own guru. Everything I learned from the dialogue came back at just the right times and I felt myself doing things and making adjustments I never had the time to think about before. The focus and concentration is incredible. Tonight I truly owned my practice. I would love to be able to take a silent class once a week, just to check in with where I am in it. This was definitely a true mind, body, and spirit experience.
December is my month to shed things. I never thought I’d be shedding Bikram dialogue. By shedding the dialogue I was able to make room for stillness and connection in my practice, and carry it home with me.
And so, as another day goes by, honey yogurt and ice water after my shower – a bit of self-care amid the hustle n’ bustle, and ….I have written.
*Photo credit ~ the photo is mine, taken of a beautiful painting hanging in our studio by a local artist.
December 15th, 2011 Once again the morning news held social media warnings. I don’t know when we are going to get over it and realize social media is not going away, no matter how many warnings there are about using it. I meet a lot of people in my different social groups who say to me they are afraid of Facebook. Afraid or not, it isn’t going away and now a days it’s not “just for kids”. Social media and the ocean are much the same. They are both just there. They neither like you or hate you. They aren’t out to get you. It’s what you do with them that decides the experience you will have with each one.
Every choice we make, from what we put on Facebook to what we have for breakfast shapes our lives and makes us who we are. Up until now I only considered the parts – the decisions I make everyday. I ponder over making the right choices, decide, and move onto the next one. I never stop to consider how all the choices I make during a single day contribute and shape the entirety of who I am. Just like what we do with social media shapes and forms our virtual personality. Another words, use it wisely. Make good choices, and you don’t have to worry about all the warnings. Scroll down and read your own page. Pretend you don’t know yourself. What kind of picture do the tweets, status updates, and photos build of who you are?
“One choice, just one, can change your life forever. Simply put, your life today is what you have made it, but with new directions you can change your life this very moment.” ~ Mac Andersen
…..both on and offline.
And so, as another day goes by, the whole of who we are is the sum of all our parts, and….I have written.
December 14th, 2011 Today was a busy day filled with inspiration for my mind, body, and soul. The soul part was attended to by my Wednesday morning women’s bible study. I came away with the message “just bring me what you have”. Have you ever had something laid on your heart that you just know you’re being called to do by some higher power, but you just feel so inadequate and unqualified? God knows just how qualified you are and He just asks you to “bring Him whatever you have” and trust Him to do the rest. Soul sufficiently inspired.
Next on the agenda was lunch with two yoga buddies. Went to a new place, great food, so fun catching up, then went to one of their houses for dessert – Vicki’s Kill Me With Coconut cream pie. (Did I mention today was not a “diet” day?) We had great yoga talk, that (along with the pie), inspired my body to be back in class tomorrow morning, with a protein shake. Body sufficiently inspired.
Topped off the day with Cape Cod Writers Xmas get together at a restaurant just a mile down the road. Caught up with people I hadn’t seen in awhile, talked blogging, writer’s groups, and e-books. Again, great food. (you can begin to see where “diet” had no place in this day) Mind sufficiently inspired.
Back in NY my husband texted me he felt good and was out with work associates having a great time. Today both of us resumed our normal lives after being stuck in the hospital/ doctor vacuum for five days. It felt wonderful for both of us to slip back into normalcy.
Once again the old adage “you never knew what you had until you lost it” rears up its head. In this case we were lucky enough to only lose our mundane, normal, everyday lives for only five days. Some people, when they come out of that hospital/doctor vacuum, reenter lives that will be anything but normal ever again.
And so, as another day goes by, normal is the best thing that could ever happen to us, and ….I have written.
December 13th, 2011 Thursday- drive to NY – sit 4 hrs, arrive at hospital, sit 2 hours
Friday – hospital all day – sit 12 hrs, go home, can’t sleep, up until 3am – sit 5 hrs
Saturday – hospital – sit 9 hrs – go home, sit 5 hrs
Sunday – sit 4 – hrs – go to b’day party – sit 5 hrs, come home, sit 5 hrs
Monday – watch tv – sit 9 hrs, go to grocery store, come home, sit 5 hrs
Tuesday – drive 4 hrs, sit 3 hrs
There are 120 hours in five days. I sat for 72 of them. I was broken. By the time I arrived back home at the cape today, both mind and body were completely obliterated. There was only one way to put me back together. I so know how Humpty Dumpty felt.
I headed to 6 pm yoga. Got there at 5:30 and laid in the hot room before class. Immediately the stress fell away. When class started, pranayama breathing released everything the sitting had squashed inside both my body and my mind. As my body stretched into the oh so familiar poses it missed, my mind went on that 90 minute vacation they talk about in the book. The big moment that reversed all the effects of the sitting was camel. I really think I could’ve done a one minute camel tonight. Sipping coconut water on the way home, listening to Xmas music, I actually caught myself smiling. Pulling up to the corner of my street, the wreath on the side of my house greeted me saying “home”. The icing on the evening was pulling into the driveway and seeing the huge orange moon hanging over the ocean, lighting up the marsh in front of my house. I stood in the driveway in complete awe of how lucky I am to live on this sandbar. Then I thought of last night’s blog and burst out laughing. No, I can’t be that girl behind the glass because there’s no snow on Cape Cod.
Kind people gave me great advice how to beat the Xmas blues, but really all that was needed was one Bikram class and I was all fixed. Now I’m home, beside my tree and manger, and though my Xmas spirit may be quieter this year, it is truly, truly happy.
After all, Jesus didn’t come into this world with huge fanfare. He came as quietly as a winter snow. His birth was His first message to us. Stillness. Stillness and awe. Just what I felt when I stood staring at that moon, listening to the waves pound the dark shoreline.
And so, as another day goes by, tonight I give thanks for the wonderful healing to be found in Bikram yoga – my body is loose and relaxed, and the screws that were loose in my head are now securely tightened, and…..I have written.
December 12th, 2011 I miss me. I really do and I didn’t realize it until today. I miss the girl that looked forward to the first snow, really didn’t mind the cold weather, and loved the change of seasons. The girl whose spirits would soar at the first note of a Xmas carol or the first holiday light to appear in the neighborhood. I can still see her – but I can’t touch her or be her. I reach my hand out, but she’s behind a glass window catching snowflakes on her tongue.
The hurts and losses of the past 18 months have taken a toll. What was once a lush green field has been ravaged by sadness and is now brown mud with deep furrows. When I spoke of shedding things not needed in December, I never imagined I’d be leaving behind the whole old self of who I used to be.
I just can’t get into it this year. I do the minimum required of me as I’ve done with each special day all year long. The enthusiasm just isn’t there. I don’t know if this is how it’s going to be from now on, or if those old feelings will ever be allowed to return. Maybe this is just an incubation period before growing into the new person, to do the new things God has planned for 2012. (As I said yesterday, my glass is always half full)
I’m thankful for many things, even though my heart is not jumping for joy with holiday music. My family is healthy and doing well. Most important my husband has made it over a major health hurdle. Xmas is most definitely not about things and every Xmas can’t be a merry one. Some Christmases are just quiet ones where you sit in front of the tree and manger give gratitude and adjust your attitude.
And so, as another day goes by, I will take my own advice and keep my head up, mind clear, and heart open to whatever is in store for me next, and ….I have written.
December 11th, 2011 Tonight I was watching one of this season’s new shows on tv, OnceUpon A Time. It’s the one that takes place in Storybrook Maine and all the fairytale characters are trapped in today’s time and don’t remember who they are. In tonight’s episode Snow White said something to Emma, who is her daughter, (but of course neither one knows this). She said:
“I know your walls keep pain from getting in, but could it be they also prevent love from getting in?”
A thought worth pondering. Is it worth the risk in order to experience love in it’s entirety? Is anything worth having acquired through hard work that may result in pain, despite all your effort? Or is it better to just sit on the sideline and not take the risk of getting in the game? Is sitting on the sideline missing experiencing the essence of life? Is love the essence of life?
This could go on and on. That’s why I never stopped to consider it in the first place. If I loved someone, I just went for it, no holds barred, never even considering that I might get hurt. Not a good MO for a person who doesn’t handle rejection well. When the hurt came, I was always taken by surprise. Yet, even in the face of the longest and hardest hurt of my life, taking the risk is still worth it to me. My glass is always half full. There’s always hope in even the darkest times. Life is all about feeling – both the good and the bad. The good shows us how to live in peace. The bad shows us how to grow and change and prepare for the next good time. Walls not only prevent both pain and love from reaching us, but they also prevent growth. Living behind walls so thick chokes off our emotional oxygen. Our inner growth is stunted. We never move forward emotionally. Relationships become distorted and permanent relationships are next to impossible to maintain. I always say, in the face of pain, difficulty, and confusion:
Keep your head up, your mind clear, and your heart open.
Don’t ever sacrifice love just to stay safe from pain. To do so causes unseen damage and wasted years. A heart broken and repaired is like a beautiful quilt pieced together with strong, tiny stitches, bearing the story of a full, rich life. A heart pitted by the hailstones (and occasional meteors) hurled by life, has character and possesses hidden knowledge in each crater. An open heart allows itself to lie on the sand, vulnerable to the tide’s harsh movement, but still able to warm under the heat of the sun. Don’t miss this.
And so, as another day goes by, walls are great for hanging pictures, but not for hiding hearts, and ….I have written.
December 10th, 2011 Today my husband came home from the hospital and all is well in our tiny NY abode. Fire going, dinner cooking, meds working well, and gratitude given.
I would just like to take a moment to thank all of our friends and family that thought of us, prayed for us, and got us through the last few days. These two days were a time that I was extremely thankful for technology and social media. It was not only easy to stay connected and inform people, but it was the feeling of not being alone in our nervousness navigating new health territory, that helped the most. The amount of love and prayers we felt was priceless. The experiences with a-fib shared by others was comforting. Again I’ll say it – there are no coincidences. The highlighted piece below was in my morning meditation TODAY.
And so, as another day goes by, we find “comfort and healing in the surprise that our stories really are all the same”, and …I have written.
December 9th, 2011 Yesterday my husband was diagnosed with a heart condition known as A-fib – short for arterial fibrillation. He was put on medication and admitted to the hospital to monitor the meds. This whole process was the first experience for either of us above and beyond the common cold. Having gone through similar and more with our parents, the thought of health concerns such as these touching either of us at this point in our lives was, at the very least, terrifying. The day of tests, admitting, and notifying friends and family was not only exhausting, but left us feeling really vulnerable when we kissed goodbye last night. We were both really scared – this time for ourselves instead of our kids or aging parents. This can’t be – a heart condition? Aren’t we only like, 35?
My husband and I have never felt our ages. When our girls vacated the nest, we picked up life right back where we left it in our late twenties when our first child was born. Our fifties were passing without us ever stopping to pause and consider we weren’t 35 anymore, so – a heart condition? One of us? ( and just to be clear, we operate as one, so when something happens to one of us, it happens to both of us)
Today was much more restful, calmer, and saner. We slowly realized this is quite common to a lot of people. It’s usually easily controlled with medication, with more drastic measures usually not needed. Once the medication is adjusted properly, you can live your life. The mountain shrunk into more of a long road as the day progressed. We got more medical info and soon found out everyone we talked to knew someone with this condition.
Spending time in a hospital also allows contact with others who are much worse off than you (or your loved one). This realization causes the mountain to shrink further. It’s apparent that the technicians who come in to do the testing are well educated in running their various machines. I marveled at how they knew what to do with all the buttons and dials and screens. Once again, just being in the hands of people who know way more than you do about testing, diagnosis, and care, allows the mountain to shrink even further.
By late afternoon we were enjoying Lady Gaga on Ellen, having a great dinner (really – this hospital’s food was really good), and spent the evening playing Chess with Friends with each other on our “i things”.
Around 9 pm my husband settled in for the night and I left happier and more at peace ( except for the mad part cause he beat me at a very well-played chess match. We’ve played chess together since we were 17 and I’ve never been a good loser. We share many inside jokes over this game.) I drove home thanking God for seeing us through this – and that it is only this, as it could’ve been much worse.
And so, as another hospital day goes by, I think we can both smile at each other and say, ah, it’s “just a little a-fib”, we’ll get through it just like we’ve gotten through everything else that has cropped up over the years, and….I have written.
December 9th, 2011 Tonight I’m posting late. My husband had a medical difficulty and I had to drive to NY unexpectedly late in the day. He is doing fine and all should be cleared up by Monday.
Do you believe God gave me this right at the end of my journey fighting fear and loss? As I drove the four hour trip to the NY hospital, I kept asking, “God! What are you thinking? Haven’t I had my fill this year?” He said no. I told Him it’s too soon to take on more. He said no. Man, He’s tough.
Then He said, “Let it go.” No, really, He did. Like He was riding shotgun and talking to me in plain English. I suddenly got it. This is a pivotal circumstance to change me and my life. I am to shed loss and fear completely. I’ve battled it for 11 months and made great strides, but the fear of loss creeps back in now and then, pressing on my chest or totally incapacitating me for a bit. Nothing like back in the first 6 months, but still there, hovering in the background.
Tonight, rushing home to get to my husband’s side, just made me really, once and for all, give it all up. When the most important person in your life is suddenly threatened, you realize how weak and helpless you really are. You realize only a higher power can make any difference.
And so, as another day has already gone by, I once and for all place the fear of loss where it belongs – at the base of the cross. I just dumped it there, walked away, and…I have written.
December 7th, 2011 I’m on day 4 of my 10 day reset of the P.I.N.K. Method of weight loss as featured on Dr. Phil last Monday. The first ten days you don’t do the exercise CD’s. You follow a very strict plant/protein diet for 10 days to reset your metabolism. Then there are three phases of adding foods and doing a different workout cd for each phase. The idea that the phase 1 cd is only 20 minutes and can be done in my exercise room at home was a real motivator for me. The exercises are easy and many women older than me are doing them. Phase 2 is 30 minutes long, and phase 3 is 40 minutes long. The attraction is that all of this is doable for me as a perfect 3 pm workout in addition to a careful program to teach me how tho eat right and keep me on track. You get a book and you write about your food and exercise everyday. In addition to this I still go to my 90 minute yoga class every morning, which is for physical and mental health and not so much for extreme weight loss like I need.
Yes, extreme. If I just keep eating healthy and going to yoga, I stay exactly the same weight all the time, which would be fine if I didn’t put on an extra 30 pounds by sitting in a chair for the first three months of this journey. I haven’t been overweight in 10 years and I’m not enjoying this. Given this history, I imagine that you can begin to see the need for extreme measures. I liken it to an algae filled swimming pool that has to be shocked with 5 gallon pails of chlorine for a week before regular maintenance can kick in.
The part that amazes me is that I survive on this plant/protein routine without craving the carbs all day. I thought the reset period was going to be a lot harder than it is. I do imagine that if I weren’t going to Bikram yoga, it would, because this yoga definitely diminishes how much I eat. I can’t get over that from noon to 5 pm, both yesterday and today, I motored along with only the lunch food allowed, and didn’t even crave a snack at 2 or 3 pm. Although the Rainbow Salad you make for lunch is substantial, I still thought I’d crave carbs and salt. Even my husband, when he saw my salad on Sunday, commented that it was some salad. Day 4 down, no cravings or hunger, and hopefully the shedding of this extra weight will continue this smoothly.
And so, as another day goes by, the focus is on me and what I need to do, and I have written.
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