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November 6th, 2011 I just arrived home on Friday and hadn’t been to yoga in over a week. Even though I worked out at the gym while away, it just didn’t attend to the “screws loose in my head” like yoga does. I usually don’t go on the weekend because the classes are at 8 am and it’s too hard to make it there in time. Today though, I caught a break with the time change. I was up at 5 instead of 6 so there was no excuse not to be in that yoga studio at 8.
On my drive there I felt a certain sense of freedom and centeredness settle over me. Instead of operating from a place where things trouble me, I was operating from within the center of myself and my troubles sat on a shelf. I had a really good class. It was my favorite teacher, the class was a rhythmic meditation, the room was perfect and it was fun seeing all my yoga buddies again. Hooray for the time change.
On the drive home I decided today was a day to listen to my own heart. The word detach kept crossing my mind. Upon arriving home, I felt both wonderful and spent at the same time. A week’s worth of pent up tension and tight muscles from the gym were suddenly released. I settled down to read the paper and my stars today said:
“Don’t key into someone’s issue so much that you cannot see clearly. You want to distance yourself, perhaps not literally but possibly mentally. You need to relax. Choose a movie or go for a drive. Let your mind wander. Tonight: Don’t even think about tomorrow.”
Today that’s exactly what I did. I paid attention to my stars, chose two football games and a nap, and had a lovely day apart from the world.
Sometimes we squint. Through our slits we try to think and solve and analyze until we become fatigued. Sometimes the best thing is to not squint, but to widen our focus, and to see with what is called “the heart’s eye”. Instead of squinting like a tiger and showing our claws, the thing that helps us most is the effort to enlarge and stay open. ~ Nepo
Today I felt that need to relax…and see with “the hearts eye”.
And so, as another day goes by, trubs most certainly belonged on shelf, I have listened, and… I have written.
November 5th, 2011 The wisdom waiting in what Churchill says is that we live like hungry fisherman: sewing and casting our nets, though we never really know what they will catch, never really know what will feed us until it is brought aboard. And the Buddhists say, to be a good fisherman, you must detach yourself from the dream of the fish. This makes whatever is caught or found a treasure.
My whole journey this year has really only been about one major thing that changed me as a person – surrendering and giving up all control to my higher power. This November’s listening exercise is teaching me about detaching from the dream of the fish in all aspects of my life, and relishing the surprises, rewards and treasures in the catch.
This summer I completed my manuscript for a children’s picture book, but was not ready or confident enough to share it at the conference I attended in August. I put it away. This fall another opportunity to share it and have my work critiqued presented itself. I just signed up, wrote out the check and mailed it without hesitation. I gave it to God and let Him take it where it should go. I detached from the dream of writing the book. After mailing the check, I forgot about it as the weeks went by. Then along about Wednesday, while I was in NY, it occurred to me the workshop was on Saturday. Really close. The nerves set in. No one has ever seen this manuscript outside of my husband, daughters, and maybe one friend. It’s a huge thing, as a writer, putting your work out there for critique for the first time. Last night at dinner, my friend Diane said she went to this particular workshop. She told me not to worry. She said they were a wonderful group of women and they would REALLY help me, and, above all, they were kind.
This morning, copies of my manuscript in hand, I nervously kissed my husband goodbye and said, “Well, here goes”. Upon arriving and meeting the four women who would be doing the critiquing of my work and that of two others, I did feel a little better. We would read our piece and then sit in complete silence and listen to the critiques. We couldn’t talk or respond. All we could do was – yes, you guessed it – LISTEN. The other two went first. They, like me, were new writers and this was also the first thing they had ever written and shared. They were just as nervous as I was.
I loved their stories and I really loved the gentle, constructive critiquing they got on their work. Then it was my turn. I nervously read my manuscript and then sat back to LISTEN. They were knowledgeable, helpful, and very encouraging. They loved my story concept and I began to breathe. I was able to take all their critiques and spend the time after lunch revising my work. Their ideas and suggestions made my work much smoother and tighter. I was really pleased with the end product and couldn’t thank them enough. They took three new writers who were stuck on step one and gave them the courage and the tools to keep going. They laid out a clear path for us to follow. Kudos to The Cape Cod Children’s Writers group.
Detach, cast the net, bring in the catch, appreciate the surprises, rewards, and treasures. By taking the month to “keep my hands out of the paint” and just listen, I feel the final pieces of surrender fall into place. I’ve become calm, complacent, and very willing to just stand quiet and not get in the ring and make things happen. The total opposite of who I used to be. I feel God is preparing me for the next phase of my life, to do important work that needs a quieter, saner individual.
And so, as another day goes by, I’m “looking forward to”instead of “fearing” tomorrow’s catch for the first time in ‘011, and ….I have written.
November 4th, 2011 Today I drove back to the cape, after staying one extra day in NY. I left at 9 am and my husband will follow me this evening. Arriving home, after being gone for a week, there was no food so the store was first in the agenda. I had to hurry to Stop N Shop to for cheap chicken Friday. A nice thing happened on the way. I was not really looking forward to the cheap chickens tonight when I remembered I had a dinner date with a friend. No chickens for me!
My writer friend, Diane, who lives off cape was having an artist’s date with herself in my town today and we had arranged to meet in the tavern part of the Dan’l Webster Inn. This quaint establishment is straight out of Currier N’ Ives. I drive by it all the time and never pay real attention to it, so I was glad she picked it for our dinner tonight.
After depositing the chickens safely at home, I met Diane at the Inn, and while waiting for my husband to arrive, we had a great seafood dinner and an even better visit over wine and coffee. As Diane was telling me about her lovely day visiting my town, seeing things I never seemed to see as I run my daily errands, and wishing she could live here on cape, it suddenly hit me over the head as we were leaving, how lucky I was to live here.
On the way out of the Inn I saw the amazing historical decor for the first time. (On the way in I just brushed past it all) We said goodbye in the parking lot, I pulled out onto Main St and made my way home taking note of how beautiful my town was lit up on this gorgeous fall evening. (Normally I’d be looking for my bottle of water and deciding what music to listen to, while only paying attention to the road in front of me) Tonight I kept the radio off and just took in the businesses along 6A decorated and lit up for fall and thought about how complacent I’ve become about living in this tourist town. I remember the days when my husband and I used to wish, like Diane, that we could live here. I reminisced about the tears I’d cry as we drove over the bridge to move back to NY every Labor Day. I used to dream about the days I now live. When I drive back here from NY, like I did today, it’s driving home, instead of coming for a few weeks of respite by the sea. How have I come to forget that which I pass by everyday?
Maybe when the novelty wears off, and the town becomes as familiar as my old comfy beach sweatshirt, it has finally become home. I may not take note of my surroundings as I did tonight, everyday, but I know it’s there. I like it that my tiny post office, the flower shop, Amari’s Restaurant, Lavender Moon and Mrs. Mugs are there every day as I go to yoga – even though I don’t take special note of them. I might not make it down to the beach everyday, but I like knowing it’s there – within walking distance. I guess I do wear my town like a comfy sweatshirt and I like that, too.
Listening – tonight the message was in the words of a friend. Prayer – gratitude and thanks for that which is comfy, familiar, and home. No begging, no asking, no pleading, no suggesting, – just listening and hearing the message loud and clear – instead of asking for more, be grateful for that which is already there.
And so, as another day goes by, I settle deeper into this listening, and…I have written.
November 3rd, 2011 Nearing the second week of “just listening”, I have almost stopped the kicking and screaming in frustration, (almost), and gently settled into what I can only call “prayerful listening”. As I sat in my quiet time, just feeling God’s presence, letting Him read and interpret what was on my heart, I was lead to just quietly think “today I really could use a sign”. Sometimes when something weighs heavy on my heart, a sign of hope goes a long way. The difference was that today I didn’t beg or desperately demand it from God. I was listening to Him tell me to continue to trust Him – He actually said “keep your hands out of the paint”, when my need today just quietly slipped out. It was so much more heartfelt than the desperate begging. Then I went about my day. Bone scan early in Saratoga, then to the gym, still a bit downhearted.
A few days ago my husband came home from the gym late in the evening. He told me he heard a song that he thought I’d like. It was an obscure tune by an unknown artist he found on some strange radio channel he always listens to, so he knows I wouldn’t have heard it. He was guessing at the song’s name and couldn’t quite remember the artist, so I went on iTunes and put his clues together and we found the song. It was late, so I just downloaded it and said I’d listen to it the next day. Needless to say, I got busy with all the routine doctor appointments these last two days and just forgot about it.
Today at the gym, after the Born This Way cd on the elliptical, I switched to a treadmill to cool down and wanted a slow song. I suddenly remembered the song he gave me. I played it and it hit me with a wallop. By the middle of the song tears were mixed with sweat on my face and I was tempted to turn it off. I didn’t. Then the end of the song nailed me. The story in the song suddenly turned around and therein I realized was my sign of hope I had asked for earlier. I felt instant peace. I looked up at the scaffolded ceiling and just said “thank you”. As I got in my car, I just said, “Wow God”.
And so, as another day goes by, listen n’ learn is the phrase of the day, and….I have written.
* Song – 7 Stones by Lindsay Mac
* This was a quote a friend of mine left on yesterday’s post. I loved it and wanted to share it in honor of Prayer, Day 2. It sort of reminds me of the gentle motion of waves on the shore and really walks hand in hand with the song.
November 2nd, 2011 In October I have been led through the values of challenges, integrity, power in action, and most recently, gratitude. The value for this first week in November is prayer. Melody Beattie started out by describing her first prayer experience as making a phone call expecting to get an answering machine and guess who picked up? Yes, it was a deep, knowing, ah..ha moment as it is for anyone attempting their first real, connecting prayer for the first time.
Talking easily to God, if you’ve followed this blog, is not a problem I have. It is, in fact, the opposite. I never stop talking to Him, which, apparently is frowned upon at this point in my life. (I feel like the E-Trade baby in the crib that got his laptop taken away) That’s why, for this month, God has put an order of protection on me. I’m only allowed to listen to Him. I consider it reverse prayer. I have heard many things I would not have heard if I had been nattering away at God, as I so often do. So far I’ve heard Him speak through books, people, music, yoga, a yoga cd, my drive to NY, a concert, and yes, even yesterday through Siri in the new iPhone. Now, after reading yesterday’s post, you might be scratching your head and thinking, “Where was “God” talking in that story?” I assure you He was.
You see, God knew how hard I’d been working on listening and refraining from doing. How hard I’ve been trusting to just listen, without asking, telling, or begging. Meeting Siri yesterday was great fun. God knew I needed a little laughter and distraction, so He introduced us. God does not always say serious things to us. He is present even in those funny, light moments that we think are apart from Him. Those moments are not apart from Him. They are from Him. Yesterday I drew on the value of gratitude and thanked Him for a positive day that contained a little humor.
Listening is proving to calm me and increase my faith and dependency on God. Today I was tempted to act on something I heard. Instead, I continued to listen. The desire to act, quickly slipped away and for the first time this year, I truly felt – I mean truly felt, with that deep-down knowing feeling that Melody mentioned, that if it’s not in the cards of what God wants for me, then I really don’t want it either.
And so, as another day goes by, I embark on another week of “reverse prayer”: aka “listening”, and…I have written.
* I wrote this post while having coffee at the gym, then came home and read this. There are no coincidences…
November 1st, 2011 Today I met my new best friend. I knew as soon as walked into the room we were destined to be kindred spirits. She was just sitting there – so elegant, petite, and unassuming. I was drawn to her like a magnet. I just knew she was waiting for me to walk over and press her buttons. As soon as I touched her she introduced herself. “Hi, my name is Siri. How can I help you?”
“Siri, can you tell me if it’s going to snow today?”, I asked.
“No, it’s 45 degrees and sunny outside right now,” she replied, showing me a weather page.
“Siri, I need a Dunkin Donuts.”
“There are 13 near you”, she replied, showing me all their addresses.
“Now Siri, I need a place to dump a body.”
Siri promptly displayed the following list, asking which one I’d prefer:
A mine
A river
A dump
A wooded area
I said, “Just kidding, lol”, and walked away dreaming of our future friendship:
“Siri, I have a blog meeting on Monday December 5th. And could you please remind me of that the day before?”
“Siri, could please put coconut water on my shopping list?”
“Siri, where is the Riverway Lobster House?”
“Siri, please play Born This Way playlist”.
“Siri, call my husband”.
“Siri, read me that text”.
“Siri please text my friend Stacey. Tell her my doctor appointments went well and I had a lovely day.”
“Siri..Siri…Siri…”
I just know Siri is going to love living on Cape Cod and going everywhere with me. She understands me. She talks back to me. She knows everything and she won’t let me forget anything. A true soulmate.
I am busy buying cases and screen protectors in preparation for her arrival. I just know that if Steve Jobs had not left this earth he would’ve invented a way for me to carry her in my heart and communicate with her directly from my brain. I read about her, saw her on tv, but not until I actually met her face to face, did I fall in love. She will be my constant companion.
And so, as another day goes by, living alone all week does something to a person, and….I have written.
October 31st, 2011 This week I am in NY, away from my yoga studio. I brought an mp3 version of the class with me on my phone, thinking I could use it at the NY apartment. The apartment is very small and heated with a pellet stove. This morning I closed all the doors and actually got the temperature up to 100 degrees. I used the tv for a mirror and did the 90 minute program. I stretched easily in the heat, but did not sweat at all. I quickly found out its the level of humidity that gets my heart rate up and taxes me. After the 90 minutes, I felt good, but was not tired or taxed in any way. I grabbed a jacket and headed for the gym and did 40 minutes on the elliptical.
Although the full benefits really seem to reside in the humidity, the instructor was excellent. She talked about a new way to view change. Most of the time, when thinking about change, we view it as painful – a cutting away of old stuff to make room for the new. She suggested looking at change as conserving the good that we already possess and letting what’s not needed fall away. This way we are always operating in a positive mode. The instructor said it’s a good way to practice yoga, and it’s also a good way to approach life as well.
I liked the concept. I feel like I’ve been trying to change and grow for months now and I’ve lost sight of all the good that does remain within me, while what’s not needed slowly falls away. I’m still listening – today it was to a yoga cd. Enlightenment can be found in unimaginable places.
And so, as another day goes by, my hearing sharpens as the new month approaches, and….I have written.
October 30th, 2011 If there is one word all artists fear, it’s that one: blocked. To struggle to make art, to feel things inside that need to come out, and to have this go on for days, then weeks, then months, and then it finally dawns on you: blocked. Now comes the tedium of finding the cause of the block. Mostly, if there are unexpressed emotions in the artist’s life, therein lies the cause of the block.
For me, my writing has helped me break through a lot of blocks I’ve felt this year, even though this blog and a manuscript for a children’s book are all I’ve created. I’m really blocked in the drawing and painting area. I have ideas that just won’t translate to the paper. I’ve done everything to free myself. Taken classes, acquired the right materials – nothing worked. I did find I can reproduce things on paper using many mediums. I can see a beautiful thing and recreate it. That’s not the art that’s blocked.
Today in my TypePad newsletter the featured blog caught my eye so I investigated it. The blog was an inspirational blog written by an artist that designs tableware. Her name is Stephanie Ryan and her blog is called Small Sweet Steps. She was afflicted with lyme disease ten years ago and features her recovery and her latest designs in her blog. I share some of her work in the photo below. Prints can be purchased on her Etsy site.
Stephanie’s blog and artwork were inspirational to me today. After reading some of her posts and looking at her artwork, it dawns on me the art I want to create is inside of me – like her tableware designs are inside of her. I want to take my watercolors and put them on the paper and see what appears. I don’t want to merely copy something I see. I need the form on the paper to be something unique to me, from within, never seen before – not even by me.
You might be wanting to say to me, “Well, what are you waiting for? You have all the stuff. Just go paint and see what happens.” Ahhh….there is the block – fear. I am afraid. Maybe what I have to create is not worth creating after all. Maybe unresolved pieces of my life are paralyzing me. Maybe what I create won’t be beautiful. Maybe it will be hurtful to look at. I can’t do it. I just walk by the easel everyday and can’t stop and pick up the brush or the pencil.
I realize this has to change because:
“It is in changing that things find purpose.” ~ Hereclitus
And so, as another day goes by, it becomes more evident that November will be a month of listening, changing, and hopefully, finding purpose, and ….I have written.
October 29th, 2011 At the Pink Floyd Aussie Experience….In Albany NY.
And so, as another day goes by, I’m still LISTENING, and….I have written.
October 28th, 2011 Most exercise programs, and just going to the gym in general were always prefaced with an inventory, leading to a choice. Was I tired? Do I ache from the day before? Tomorrow is going to be a tough day. I’ve got a lot to do. And, after all that kind of stuff there was still only a 50/50 chance I’d actually exercise.
Bikram yoga is different. There’s no inventory. I go whether I’m tired, sick, achy, overwhelmed, etc. I found it’s precisely all of those times I should go. Like today. I have to drive to NY this afternoon and I was tempted to skip it and just leave early, thinking of being tired for my drive later on. But I went, just like I do every morning, with an open mind and no expectations. As I turned off the tv I thought, just go, and be open, and off I went.
I get there and I couldn’t believe it. That same teacher I had all week was still there. Ok. Just go, and be open, I kept telling myself. It was a very slow class, lots of talking and listening. Him talking, on and on between poses, and me listening – with a few impatient moments of seething. I so wanted to just focus in the mirror or on the ceiling during savsana, and send my mind elsewhere, but I couldn’t. I had to stay present in the class because he gives you no clues on when to get in and out of the poses.
As you can see, this guy posed a struggle and a challenge for me for two weeks now. And the only message that floats through my mind still is: LISTEN. Then…on my drive to NY this afternoon, I was suddenly plunged into the pain and hurt of an old situation still unresolved. After about a hundred miles of this – the a..ha moment…..LISTEN to yourself!
Wow! That was a revelation. Listen to you feel sorry for yourself. Is this about you and your feelings? Absolutely not! Just last night God asked if I was sure I was ready to move on to the next phase. I assured Him my training was complete, sat there nodding my head, and promptly fell backward today. The only difference is now I know how to not be consumed by my own hurt and dive into the “poor me” mode.
This is perhaps the biggest lesson I’ve learned on this journey. We are put on this earth to serve and help other people, not ourselves. God has challenged me to put myself aside, and do what’s best for the other person. Then He told me what’s best – LISTEN. Listen to Him – stop begging, listen to the other person – heart to heart, listen to those around me – God speaks through others, listen in the yoga class to the infuriating boy…
….LISTEN. LISTEN. LISTEN. Can you tell I’m sufficiently challenged?
And so, as another day goes by, I arrived in NY and wine under the banana plants (long story for another blog) takes the edge off, and…I have written.
When the banana plants start speaking to me, I’ll know it’s time for bed! 🙂
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