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October 7th, 2011 “We come with all these parts and no instructions on how to put them together.” ~ Nepo
That was the quote I woke up to this morning. I didn’t pay much attention to it. Went on with my day. Yoga, lawn, a walk, exercises, punctuated with good food and plenty of water in between. I should feel good, but instead feel tired. Ah ha, no sugar or white flour all week. The craving is starting to kick in. It’s Friday night. I bought my two chickens, but no wine. But…there are cookies here. The bad kind. The kind I can’t leave alone. I bought them for company and we didn’t eat them. Now I’m stuck with them. What to do? Cookie or not to cookie? Am I tired because I need sugar, or am I tired because it was a busy day?
What was that I read about an instruction manual? I’m gonna have to write my own.
And so, as another day goes by, I think I’ll eat the cookie while I contemplate chapter one – will-power, and….I have written.
October 6th, 2011 Last evening I was talking (texting) to my dear friend in Pennsylvania about her kids in glee club, playing words with friends with my daughter in Boston and my two friends in NY, talking (texting) to my husband about a problem with his apps, reading a novel, writing yesterday’s blog, emailing back and forth with friends from yoga and cape cod writers, checking my bank account, catching up on my friends blogs, and, oh yes, using the phone part to actually talk to my other daughter – all from my easy chair, all at the same time, and……all on my iPhone.
Living alone all week, without being able to do this, would be very hard on me. I wouldn’t be in touch with my husband and kids, I wouldn’t plan any activities with my friends out here, I would lose touch with my two NY friends I see only once a year, and….my friendship with my dear friend in Pennsylvania wouldn’t exist at all. I would not write this blog everyday if I had to go sit in front of my computer to do it, and I would NEVER have read 86 books in two years if I had to go to the store, buy them for twice the cost, and, much worse, store them in my house. Even my bible is on my phone. I have my 86 books, all organized, with notes and highlights easily assessable if I want to quote something for you in this blog, which I can do in a single touch on the screen. Not to mention the amount of overdraft fees that have decreased dramatically.
While talking back and forth, my PA friend got the news break on her iPhone about Steve Jobs and told me about his passing just as it was appearing on my phone, and then on the TV. I immediately felt my heart sink. My friend texted me and said, “I’m in tears and I don’t even know this man! What’s up with that?” I replied, “I knoooow!!! I’m feeling such extreme sadness!”
Why do we have that reaction? That question was answered for me by another question asked on the morning news, “What makes thousands of people run out immediately and purchase whatever this man invents?” The answer – because people TRUST him. And that certainly is the truth for me. I never hesitated for a second going out to purchase an i anything as soon as I had the money. I would never even think about compromising and buying a cheaper PC. I knew I could pay my money, take my i thing home, plug it in right out of the box, never read an instruction manual, and it would do everything Steve said it would.
Steve made i things just for me. His i things fit my brain, did my work, invented my social life, brought music back into my life, connected me to people I love on a daily basis and let me be a part of their lives, and them mine, and, in effect, – reshaped my life.
I never stopped to think how much I owed a man I never even knew. My last years of teaching and first years of retirement are significantly richer, more fulfilling, easier, and definitely better than they ever could’ve been, because of my iPhone and iMac. I’m glad my friend and I took an unplanned moment to mourn Steve Jobs last night. He truly was an icon that changed the world and touched lives for the better.
And so, as another day goes by, RIP Steve and may God bless his family in this sad time, and ….I have written.
October 5th, 2011 Today was my artists date with myself, but the agenda went quickly downhill when I realized we have tickets to the Pats/Jets game on Sunday. The tickets are a good thing, having to put on real pants to go to the game is not. I am the girl on the commercial that wears yoga pants all the time and is too lazy for real pants. Now it’s cold. I have to wear real shoes and boots, and…pants. I can tell this isn’t going to be an “artist date” with myself – unless I end up having to paint the pants on.
Another yearly stat:
October 2010 jeans size: 6
October 2011 jeans size: definitely not 6 –
I think I have to stuff the extra 14 lbs into 10’s!!! And if I choose skinny jeans..I ..think…oh no, it might be 12! I haven’t worn a size 12 in 7 years!
So much for an artists date. Coffee first – Dunkin w/ skim milk.
45 minutes later:
American Eagle Skinny jeans – size 12. 🙁
They fit well. Are comfortable. Hide 14 lbs well. BUT they are still a size 12! I wore them out of the store just to get used to real pants again. 🙁
30 minutes later:
Met a yoga buddy at the mall. Told her my size woes. She said my legs look really good in the jeans. (She doesn’t know the 14 lbs are hidden in my stomach – the jeans do work) She also reminded me that over the last year I have built up quite a bit of muscle and that’s why I am heavier, even though I don’t look it. That made me feel better.
I walked away thinking it’s a plausible theory, because my legs look better than they’ve looked in 6 years. I have tighter skin due to the muscle development and no sagging skin over the knees anymore. My arms and legs look kind of athletic, where they were just skinny, saggy, and frail a year ago, but…no…sorry..the stomach is pathetic and it must go.
Why am I telling you all this? For the same reason I write this blog, belong to writing groups, and go to a women’s bible study each week – I need to be held accountable. If I tell all of my friends I’m going to do something or belong to group where I have responsibilities, there’s a better chance I’ll do it. This blog has to be written everyday. The 14 lbs have to go. I have to remain a vehicle for the spirit. My books and stories have to get written.
I’m just not strong enough to do it all on my own yet. Everyday God graces my path with people who energize and motivate me. I have made some very dear friends this year that have been instrumental in helping me travel from darkness back into the light again. And now, I will be accountable to you, my dear readers for moving these 14 lbs – at least 10 by Halloween.
And so, as another day goes by, “I get by with a lil’ help from my friends”, and ..I have written.
Look carefully – the jeans work miracles, but the 14 lbs are in there somewhere…
October 4th, 2011 ….my weight stats from one year ago:
October 2010: 125 lbs.
October 2011: 139 lbs. Uh….ya…
Over the weekend in NY I visited my daughter in her new apartment. She had a bathroom scale. I hopped on and low and behold, there were 14 lbs I received as a gift from my journey this past year.
Ten hours in a chair for three solid months will tend to do that to you. From January thru March, I would go to yoga, get home at noon, hit the chair, and have only two goals:
1. Wash my yoga clothes for the next day
2. Try not to go to bed before 10 pm
It was the fighting to not go to bed until at least 10 pm that clued me in to the fact I had a real problem here. The extreme fatigue is the body’s way of protecting itself physically from the emotional trauma, but there is a fine line where the body’s defense ends and our minds take over and take us further than we need to go to survive. If I had given in to going to bed earlier and earlier each day, I’d eventually end up there as soon as I got home at noon. This was the first spark of self-help and vowing not to give in. It was from there I began taking that walk down the road everyday in April. In May I added a small workout on my exercise machine. In June I added running around the block to all of that. In August I added an ab routine. And just now, yesterday I bought a mini-stepper and added 30 minutes of cardio. I now do 90 min of yoga in the morning, and from 3-5 pm I do all of those, and end with a brisk walk.
It has taken a full nine months to return to my activity level of one year ago. The problem is now I have to move 14 lbs. Not an easy task at my age or place in life. I no longer have that active grueling workday, which, combined with a 90 minute gym workout, kept my weight in check for the last ten years. This sudden lack of activity knocked my metabolism all out of whack. Also, I believed I should eat as a way of taking care of myself. Uh….more calories in than out – well it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand where 14 extra pounds came from.
BUT – that is all behind me now. I can’t let the past months taint the future one’s. I need to take what I have learned, the new-found strength I have gained, and set out to attack those 14 pounds. So, here’s the goal: 10 of those 14 pounds gone by Halloween. Here’s the plan:
Goodbye white flour and sugar, and, oh no…..GOODBYE WINE! The white flour and sugar are easy. Wine is not. Wine is also the biggest diet reason for the 14 lbs not moving. Wine is total sugar. One 5oz glass of my favorite Relax Reisling is 120 calories….not alot if that were food my body could use to refuel and build muscle, but it’s 105 calories of pure, useless, sugar. AND if I drink alot of it, with minimal activity, guess what my body does with it? Says, oh we don’t need to burn anymore calories today, so let’s just store these as fat. Yes, fat. Visceral fat, right down on my stomach where I look down at it everyday. I was heading for a serious “wine belly”. And on top of this, those who know me also know I just don’t have the one glass. I will drink 4 glasses over the course of a friendly evening with my family and friends. Four. What could 120 x 4 equal? 500 calories!!! Almost half of my caloric allowance for the entire day – OF PURE SUGAR! Ouch. And I have been doing that on Fridays and Saturdays for nine months! Did I think I wouldn’t gain any weight? Sometimes I’m delusional.
On Sunday I finished my last bottle and kept it. I’m going to fill it with sugar and look at it everyday for inspiration. So, now, does that mean no social drinking? No. The drink of choice will be gin n tonic. The cleanest drink, calorie wise there is, and, only one allowed per weekend night.
So, exercise and food plans in place – look out 14 lbs. I feel better than I have in nine months. October may be a month of both physical and emotional challenges, but I’m prepared to meet them. When that glass of wine is missed, or a piece of that heart starts to wiggle loose, I’m on it.
And so, as another day goes by, with God, family, friends, yoga, this blog, and your encouragement as you read all these months, even with the extra 14 lbs, I’m in a better, stronger, place than I was on this day one year ago, and….I have written.
October 3rd, 2011 The Physical One:
First piece of good news is that there haven’t been any heart attacks.
Stats:
2010- one year ago
Last time on elliptical at gym:
Time: 45 min Strides: 5000 Calories: 402
One year ago I left the gym and totally did Bikram yoga 4 to 5 times per week. This weekend I was in NY and decided to join my husband at the gym. Bikram yoga is supposed to keep your heart healthy and I thought I would test out that theory by doing my old workout on the elliptical and comparing the stats. I also remembered how hard it was to finish the workout, how much my knees would hurt, and how I could hardly climb off the machine to get the towel to wipe it down.
I am happy to report that I was pleasantly surprised by how easy the workout was. I did the interval program and my heart would go up to around to 158 after two minutes on the high level, and return to 128 during the two minutes on the low level. I recall the stats from a year ago : on high level my heart would go to 164 and I’d be really out of breath, and during the two minutes on the low level it would only fall to 138. I think the yoga definitely strengthened my heart over the course of the year. The workout was much easier, I hopped off with more energy and no pain to get the towel, but I sweated ten times more than a year ago.
Elliptical stats:
2011
Time: 45 min Strides: 5862 Calories: 403
I can only conclude that the yoga gave me a good cardio workout everyday and actually strengthened my heart.
The Other Heart – the one a Mack truck drove through
October of 2010:
Disguised as fine and perfectly intact – little did I know that I had repressed grieving over my Mom’s passing and my heart was slowly imploding.
January of 2011:
More losses and the heart completely disintegrated. Laid in pieces all over the floor. I sat in a chair for three months just looking at the pieces. I had no energy to get up and start picking up the pieces. Along about March, I got up. I went outside and walked down the road. I picked up the first piece. Cried so hard I threw it back down and returned back to the chair. I tried it again the next day and this time I brought the piece back to the chair with me. And so it went everyday until May. I’d bring the pieces back from my walk and pile them up next to my chair. By the end of May I had the courage to start assembling them. My hands shook as I taped the crinkled pieces together. By the end of July the heart was reassembled, but could tear easily.
October 2011:
The heart is intact and even beating again. It stops at times, thinking a piece or two might be loose, but then starts up again. 2011 has been hard on this old heart. Three months left to get it totally fixed and in top running condition to take on 2012.
I’m one year older and ten years wiser with what I have learned reassembling my heart this year. I have no intention of ever going down this road again. I made it without drugs or therapy. I made it with the love and support of family and friends who understood I was not myself, having a rough time, and stayed close by me anyway. For the first time in my whole 58 years, I was beaten, broken, and brought to my knees. I now understand depression. I now understand loss. I now understand the free fall and panic of having the rug pulled out from under you. I understand emotional prison.
But I now also understand what it means not to give up – ever. I now understand the length, depth, and breath of God’s love. I now understand the real power of prayer. I understand faith. I understand hope. I know love.
And so, as another day goes by, the hurricane stilled, the clouds linger, but there is breaking light on the horizon, and…I have written.
I took this photo this morning as I was leaving NY. I was driving to the NY Thruway, a piece of that heart started coming loose, and I asked God for a sign it would all be okay. I came down the hill, turned the corner and there it was ….
October 2nd, 2011 I know. How could gauntlets be positive? Work to the good for us?
Well, after I finished reading yesterday’s meditation, embarking on a month of facing challenges, I was truly energized by the rest of the piece, and just have to share the final words with you:
“Remember, it takes heat and pressure to turn carbon into diamonds. The pressure of challenges is what shapes and forms us.
Value: This week we’ll explore the value of a genuine rise-to-the-occasion, feet-to-the-fire, step-up-to-the-plate challenge.”
I still can’t believe this was the next set of lessons in the book, appearing at precisely the moment I discovered them myself, right in my own life. Throughout my journey, I have always kept the faith by knowing deep down that anything worth having, has to be worked for – paid for in blood, sweat, and oh so many tears. Any real relationship must be honed and bent in the fire to fit exactly those involved. And when you walk through the fire together, and come out the other side, you are changed dramatically for the better of all involved.
Many times we are not willing to do the work. Why? FEAR! The fear of trusting someone to hold our heart, to never act in a way that might harm us. The ironic part of this? You can’t ever have a real, true, relationship without getting the rug pulled out from under you. The irony resides rug-pulling, because that’s where the work takes place. Some of us cannot see past that and continue on in the relationship, honing it and learning about each others wants and needs – walking through the fire, building something that transcends trust. We get hurt. Quit right there. Move on to the next one. It turns into an empty, searching existence. We keep looking for that anchor, that something to fulfill that inner longing, but we’re unwilling to do the work it takes to achieve it.
I have always been an optimist. My glass is always half full. Even the darkest clouds in my world have silver linings. I can make the best lemonade out of sour lemons in my path. I don’t give up when I get hurt. If the relationship was worth going that far for, I’ll deal with my hurt and proceed into the fire. If the other person comes with me, we’ll have something real and beautiful when we reach the other side, burnt and ash covered – but smiling through the tears.
How do I know this? I first learned it in my family. My dad and mom would never turn their backs on one of their children, no matter what. Then I learned it through 36 years of marriage. If one of us had bolted at the first “rug pulling” we, and our girls wouldn’t be here today. Now I, as a parent, have always practiced this with my girls, hopefully instilling in them the courage not to run at the first real hurt. Give the person a chance to come back to you, holding their heart back out to you. If they do this in all sincerity, and you know deep down they are a good person, take their hand and go – face the fires. (I say all this barring abusive, dangerous people – with them the red flag would’ve been up before you even got to this point)
When the work is done, a beautiful thing will be born.
And so, as another day goes by, important things take work and commitment, and…I have written.
October 1st, 2011 Over the past two weeks a string of incidents have occurred where I was put in difficult situations. I took them one at a time, and within each one, I realized I had to call upon one or more of my values I have adopted on this journey. September was about reviewing each value. Now, I see in October I will be called upon to practice them.
The gauntlets being thrown in my path come in both big and small challenges. Small ones like buying onions instead of garlic. Big ones like hearing news and getting my feelings hurt. Medium ones like in yoga – open that window NOW!
I was unexpectedly thrown into situations where the old me, of a year ago,would react frantically. My latest challenge was yesterday where I suddenly found myself in a place in my mind where I hadn’t ventured in a long time. It was a place that used to get me in all sorts of trouble. When a bit of fear surfaced, I spent a few hours making up scenarios in my mind that I had no basis for, further increasing my fear, just like in the old days, heading back toward franticness. At first, I feared the fear – there was no way I was going back to six months ago. Then, my new values kicked in. My mind got slammed with “Do you understand anything?” I immediately answered “No, I know nothing. Understand nothing. Only God knows the total picture, all the players, the future, and most of all, where He wants me and what He wants me doing. I know nothing.” Lean NOT unto thine own understanding. I lay back in my chair, my arms fell to my side, and I became, once again, a vehicle for His spirit. Steady breathing. The peace from knowing it’s all in His hands, and I don’t have to lift a finger, washed over me.
Amazing. I calmed immediately. My insides unclenched and the pain fell away. I was able to watch a Pink Floyd show on tv with my husband, then go to bed and sleep soundly, with no raging thoughts. THIS was NO small feat for me. I spent my entire life waking at 1 am, owned by the monkey mind, just crying, and trying to figure out solutions and worrying over children, money, job, etc.
Many of us KNOW in our heads that we MUST “Let go and let God”, but knowing it and doing it are two different things. As I wrote on Thursday, the year in yoga provided the missing piece. As soon as my mind went awry, I was able to coral it, but the best thing, through the daily practice in the yoga studio, my body instantly made the physical connection, and, as a result, my heart kicked in. The head/heart connection was made. Regaining control and dispelling the fear, was a total mind, body, spirit endeavor.
October will be the month of many moments like this. Old feelings, scenarios, etc. will come creeping around. Fear will sneak back in. I will be tempted to conjure up all kinds of things the monkey mind is capable of. BUT…now I recognize all this for what it is. The challenge of applying all I have learned this year. As soon as the fear strikes, or I find myself in an old, familiar awful place, I know I have to immediately go over my value list and choose and apply accordingly. For my own benefit, I am going to list them from memory below. I am a visual person and learn best when I can see things both in my mind and on paper. It’s one thing to know one’s values, but it’s another to practice them when trouble strikes.
Such is the downside of the beach path. I must be gentle and patient with myself as I deal with the occasional slips and missteps. The cool waters of the shore are closer than ever. I can do it.
And so, as another day goes by, I recognize you October for what you are – bring it on, and ….I have written.
Linda’s New Value List
1. Be a vehicle for the spirit. Quiet yourself. Step back.
2. Practice deference. Keep some things to yourself so as not to deplete the energy.
3. Be custodial and take good care of all the things and hearts God has blessed you with.
4. Give gratitude everyday, for everything big and small, that crosses your path.
5. All your relationships begin with God and radiate out through you. All your energy comes from God first, then the people he blesses your life with.
Haha! Haha! I opened my new meditation book to today’s page and look what was waiting for me. There are no coincidences.
September 30th, 2011 More about the downside of the beach path…..
When you go through a traumatic time and a depression, pull out of it finally, as I did in June, you would think it’s all DOWNHILL from there. No. Sorry. It isn’t. The fear of loss, the thing I spent six months fighting off, returns now and then like that little gray cloud on the depression commercials on tv. These past few mornings I woke up with it again, and fought it throughout the day. Then, tonight, I found something that helped me tremendously. 2 Timothy 1:7 says:
“God has not given us the spirit of fear.”
I immediately switched my thinking. I said, “God, since the spirit of fear is not from you, it must be from the other guy. I refuse to believe HIS lie. Instead I choose to believe what you have said -” I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
I have to remember that I am not at the shoreline yet. It’s a slippery walk, carrying lots of beach paraphernalia, down a steep hill of hot, slippery sand. I am bound to slide and stumble. The important thing is to keep in focus that I CAN do this hard thing that God has called me to do. It involves doing the hardest thing of all – nothing.
And so, as another day goes by, I lift my eyes, I lift my eyes, and ….I have written.
September 29th, 2011 Today, September 29, was the day one year ago that I started Bikram yoga. What did learn?
I learned that yoga is more about the mind than it is the body. Yes, you get a good workout, maybe lose a few pounds, sleep better, eat better, heal a lot of physical ills, but it is the mind that gets the true makeover. Yoga isn’t about perfect poses – you can do yoga every day of your life and because your body is different everyday, you will do the poses differently everyday. Yoga isn’t a sport. There is no perfection.
Today, with the higher humidity, I immediately anticipated when the teacher would open the windows and when she didn’t, I felt a bit of panic creep in. I remembered this day last year when I was ignorant of all I know now. Last year I felt suffocated. Left the room. Was breathing through my mouth, like gym breathing. My heart rate was up. I couldn’t find air. How was today, same situation, one year later, different?
I immediately looked into my eyes in the mirror and thought “stillness”, breathe normally, mouth closed. Took inventory. My body really wasn’t unbearably hot, and there was air I could breathe. Linda, you’re fine. All the while, I was moving through the poses and in the 20 second savasana, I just gazed at the ceiling and concentrated on my breath. Within seconds my heart rate quieted, my breathing was no different than it is right now, I was able to dispel panic in seconds and easily finish the class. Not so one year ago when I was laying down and just trying to stay in the room with my mind screaming “I have to get out of here and get some air!” We are capable of so much more than our minds keep us from believing we are because our brain is yelling “I can’t”. Well, I learned that “I can’t” lives on “I won’t” street.
In the past two weeks gauntlets in life have been thrown in my path. One year ago I would feel the hot fires of either hurt, rage or embarrassment sear through me and I would immediately get agitated and react frantically. Today when those anxious feelings sear through me, my hands actually fall to my sides, just like in the savasanas, my breathing returns to normal, my heart rate slows, and I’m able to quiet myself and step back before reacting at all. That, in itself, is a priceless life skill worth every drop of sweat it took to learn it and have it become second nature over the course of a year.
I would caution that Bikram yoga is not something to be entered into lightly. You must drink two bottles of water and eat lightly two hours before class. You must rehydrate yourself and replace electrolytes before coming back the next day. You must really listen to the teacher and learn to begin corralling that mind that says “I won’t” in order to unleash what you’re capable of, both in and out of the studio.
And so, as another day goes by, I’m forever grateful to my daughters for not letting me refuse to try, and ….I have written.
September 28th, 2011 Prerequisite – read cooking blog below first.
Yes, I have to tell you or today's story won't be complete.
So…it was 3:50 and I had the pasta water on, oil in the pan and grabbed a garlic clove to start mincing it. I made the first cut and didn't smell any garlic. Strange. I picked it up and smelled it – it was an onion! Instead of buying what I thought was small garlic, I bought 2 tiny boiling onions!
Now it was 4:00 and I had to go get garlic. I tried the convenience store at the end of my road, but to no avail. Now I had to go to Lambert's a high end fresh food place near me. I raced in, bought a nice package of peeled fresh garlic, paid for it, and as I was leaving the major food lady said to me, "Have a delicious night, dear!"
Oh, if she only knew!!!
Now it was 4:15 and I had my guest coming at 5! Thank goodness the real garlic was already cut and peeled. I got down to business and had everything ready on time.
When she came in, we sat down with a glass of wine and I told her this story – the way to start an evening with a good laugh! The food was great, the company better, now if the Red Sox can win, tonight will be complete.
And so, as another day continues to go on by, the ability to laugh at oneself is priceless, and …I have written.
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