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September 8th, 2011 After three days of rain outside and tv reruns inside, I’m actually excited football starts tonight – even if it isn’t the Patriots. (I actually don’t even know who is playing, but at least I haven’t already seen it.) The havoc the rain is heaping upon the northeast is getting old, too. My thoughts and prayers are with all those back in my hometown in NY. The flooding, downed trees, mud slides, and power outages have been plaguing them for two full weeks, beginning with Irene. Today I got a brief shot of sun and I wish I could bottle it and send it to them.
Too much of the same thing tries our patience and makes us restless for change. So many of us resist change. I’m guilty of that when I think of fond memories of the past. I hate saying good-bye after a great time with people. I get nostalgic when revisiting places that hold memories of times I loved. I get a little sad when looking at objects used or given from a time cherished. I’ve been this way since I was a child. Then one day a friend said something that made these times easier. She said we’ll make new memories. I never thought of memories that are in the future, not even made yet, but doing so gives me hope. I’ve always been a hopeful, optimistic person. My glass was always half full. I was always looking forward to the next great thing that was going to happen, so her theory makes sense to me. Even though my journey this year has been a difficult one, it’s always the promise of what God holds for me in the next few months that keeps me a happy person, enjoying each new day.
And so, as another day goes by, sunshine and the new tv season aren’t far off, and I have written.
September 7th, 2011 This morning I came across the story of how an emperor moth emerges from it’s cocoon. Then I saw the first school bus go by. It was opening day in our town. Watching the children on the bus as it drove by made me think of my many opening days and the one particular thing I did in my classroom each year that got the kids involved right away, and that was the hatching of monarch butterflies.
We would set up a 5 gallon fish tank with some sticks and a mesh cover. My teacher friend would bring us a few caterpillars to put in the tank along with plenty of milkweed for them to eat. Within a few days the caterpillars would spin chrysalis’ and the wait would begin. The beautiful green chrysalis would turn black and then clear, and the children could see the orange and black wings folded inside. Then during the day, a child would yell, “It’s coming out!”. We would all gather around and watch the new butterfly struggle to get out of the chrysalis for a long time. The children’s first instinct is to want me to help the butterfly. I explain we can’t or it won’t be able to fly when gets out. “Why” they right away want to know, because to them it seems cruel to watch the struggle. I explain the body of the butterfly is very fat and contains the fluids that need to be pumped into the wings to make them large and full when the butterfly emerges. If the butterfly is not allowed to have it’s time of struggle, the fluid will not get pumped into the wings and it will be born with very small wings, not big enough to fly. The kids are awed by this.
As soon as the butterfly is fully emerged, they want to hurry up and take it outside to release it. Again, I explain it has to hang onto the chrysalis until the wings are dry and full of fluid. Occasionally some of the orange fluid will drop into the bottom of the tank and the kids will think it’s blood and be afraid that the butterfly is hurt. They learn there are byproducts of a successful struggle, and they learn that growing and becoming able at something cannot be hurried.
I used this story many times to explain to them why I wouldn’t open their milk cartons or zip their coats until they struggled and gave it their best shot. They were reminded of the butterfly when writing their name would not come easy. Through the butterfly, five year olds began to understand the importance struggle has in our lives. This is just one of the many ways I, too, learned from teaching children.
We have all heard the expression “God will never give us more than we can handle”. It was the same way with the milk cartons and zippers. I would always rescue them if they were in trouble, but the important thing was that they tried. I think God wants us to try. The part of the struggle He allows, grows and develops our wings, but He is always there when He sees we’re in real trouble. God would never send us out to fly with less than adequate wings, but He will also not relent until we are willing to enter into the struggle and learn and grow from it, just as any good parent and teacher wouldn’t.
And so, as another day goes by, the opening days are gone, but the lessons learned live on, and I have written.
September 6th, 2011 I always thought fasting meant going without food so as to remind us that we should depend on God in our daily lives, and not all the things we cram our days with. Being raised Catholic, it was traditionally during the lenten season we were taught from a very young age to give up something we depend on for 40 days.
Today, when a reading about fasting came my way, I almost pushed it aside because I knew all about fasting. I wanted to read about how to get rid of the “bad parts” of me that have weighed on my mind this year. Not eating wasn’t going to solve that, so I wasn’t going to bother with this particular piece. But, the title of the first section was “A Fast Fix” and naturally, my nature of wanting to fix things in a hurry took over and I began reading.
Surprise! It said there are four categories from which to choose to “fast”:
1. Fast from striving – “be still and know that I am God” This is the part where I always jump in and try to fix things myself. Who knew it was “fasting” to refrain from this?
2. Fast from habits – turning to things that comfort me, but don’t bring me closer to God, such as emailing and texting people. Again, who knew?
3. Fast from substances – this would be the food part – this is what I thought it was all about.
4. Fast from impulsive emotions – this part actually made me sweat. There are three emotions that we give into when things get tough: worry, anger, and self-pity. Anger is not my first choice, but worry occupies a lot of my time and self-pity is without a doubt where I go when my feelings get hurt. This, too, is fasting? (Sweating more)
These habits and emotions we turn to when things get rough are reflexes and we can’t stop them from searing through us when things in our lives flip the trigger switch. My problem is I always “accepted” them as part of life and never tried to arrest the reflex by recognizing it for what it is and change my habit of letting it “have it’s way with me”, and in most cases, get me into a lot of trouble with others.
This year has been spent in retraining myself. I now arrest the emotion, bad habit, or striving by recognizing it and giving whatever is causing it immediately over to God through prayer. One result has been turning those emotions into immediate relief that I don’t have to deal with the person or situation. As soon as the worry starts nagging, or the anger sears, or the tears of self-pity start to fall, I immediately ask God to handle it, but I also ask “Is this action I want to take really for another, or is it just to make me feel better?” Guess what? Most times it was just to make me feel better and would do nothing good for the other person or the situation. Tends to stop me in my tracks when jumping into the cesspool of self-centeredness.
And so, as another day goes by, today I have learned that “fasting” is more than going without food – it’s being still and knowing He is God, it’s not turning to habits that comfort me in times of difficulty, or giving into anger, worry, and self-pity, and….I have written.
September 5th, 2011 Four years ago this used to be a full day of labor packing myself up to move back from cape cod to NY to start school the next day. Tomorrow I am starting my third year of retirement. We celebrate this day every year by taking drinks to beach and NOT having to drive back to NY.
This year we met another couple our age, shared our drinks, and stayed down there until dark. We came home and hubby made shrimp fettuccine with red sauce. Now, sated with drink and food, I suddenly realize that for me, Labor Day is celebrating not having to labor tomorrow.
Just another thing I can give gratitude for today. For all of you who have to return to the work world tomorrow, you are in my thoughts and prayers, and…hang in there, if you work hard, give it your all, your day will come.
And so, as another day goes by, tonight life’s really a beach, and ….I have written.
September 4th, 2011 Irene was not kind to my sister in upstate NY. She lost an investment property and came very close to losing her own home. She won't get power until tomorrow night, making for a very difficult week. She bought a generator for $800 and it takes $40 a day to keep her food from going bad. She hauls water 75 ft to the bathrooms. She has been in my prayers all week.
On the flip side, Irene had been very kind to me. I had power within six hours and my yard took a few hours to clean up. My goal this week was to paint two coats on my house trim. This weekend my husband and I set the goal to stain the front of the house and completed that today.
My sister and I spent two very different weeks in our homes. The first thing my sister said after Irene passed on was that she is thankful she still has her home, powerless as it may be, when so many others don't. Her attitude of gratitude made me stop and readjust the attitude with which I approached our huge undertaking with our house this weekend. My husband and I put on music, arranged our respective ladders, and began our task of taking care for our home. We did so, lovingly, instead of with regret that we couldn't be at the beach or bike riding.
My sister and I both this week realized how lucky we are to have a home to take care of, both in good and difficult times. God puts wonderful things in our lives in the forms of our homes, cars, campers, motorcycles, etc. as well as relationships with our families and friends. He expects us to exercise great care with each one. We must be careful to not break things or hearts. We must be conscious of updating our properties and keeping those close to us reminded of how we feel about them.
I used to feel guilty about the wonderful life I have been given. I used feel I didn't deserve the beautiful things and people I have in my life, but now I realize they are not prizes. They are responsibilities given to me by God to be taken care of and maintained just as my sister and I have spent the week caring for our homes.
Tomorrow, being Labor Day, pick up, clean up, or wash up one thing around your home. Make it a "labor of love" and then pause and give thanks. I wish all my dear readers a great holiday tomorrow.
And so, as another day goes by, I thank God for all He has placed in my life and ask Him to remind me of the care and upkeep needed to maintain things and hearts alike, and….I have written.
September 3rd, 2011 This morning I was listening to my husband put together a bowl of Cheerios and bananas as I sat in my chair watching the morning news. All of a sudden I hear an expletive. The milk was bad. I felt sorry for him and offered to run down to the corner store and get some. He said no, he’d be fine. I insisted. I knew he was going to the gym and wanted him to have breakfast. Then he insisted no, he’d eat the bananas and be fine. So I turned and went upstairs to get ready for my day. I was looking out the window, brushing my teeth, thinking that my husband is an adult and he knows whether or not he needs more than bananas to eat before going to the gym. I don’t have to insist on fixing it for him. (I did hear him creaking up the stairs and was surprised to find he’d come up to tell me he appreciated my efforts.)
Sometimes I have to stop being the mom and just be me. Is there a “me” apart from being a mom? That was part of a big question I answered for myself during my, what is now, eight month journey down the road of healing and self-discovery. I found there is. I even actually like the person I found, once I stopped worrying about everyone else. There were a few precarious weeks where I had to ask myself what I was going to do with all the extra time I used to spend worrying about my husband and girls and trying to make sure their lives were in order so I could sleep nights. I looked to my writing. I took an art class and found a relaxing solace in drawing. I focused on one of the five huge lessons I learned on this journey – be custodial with all that God has given you. I began to take an interest in yard work. My husband set me up with the mower so I could keep the grass cut while he’s gone. I washed my car. I began painting the outside of my house. I devote 2-5 pm each day to washing, cleaning, or painting something around my house.
The thought process is priceless as I go about these tasks. Today, as I paint the ceiling on my porch, I reaffirm there is a “me” apart from being a mom. I realize my girls need to go about their lives much the same way as I am. They need to make decisions and live without me constantly worrying if they’re ok. I know they’ll come around if there’s a crisis, and I like that. I also know they’ll come around just because they miss us and they care. I like that too. In between we’ll all go about doing what do and being who we are.
And so, as another day goes by, pieces of “mom” fall away and pieces of “me” emerge, and ….I have written.
September 2nd, 2011 Today yoga was still excruciating, and there were no more blatant messages about going slow, but a wonderful message about the unique communication between souls was in my morning meditation:
“Souls do talk. Listen quietly. Listen to your own. Learn to hear the voice of others’. A little soul talk goes a long way.”
~ Melody Beattie – Journey to the Heart
Many times I have had a feeling that someone, God included, just spoke to me as clear as day right inside my chest, where my heart is. I would never mention these experiences because, obviously, people would think I’m crazy. In the past few months others have spoken of similar experiences. Now, in today’s reading, this phenomena was brought to light again. Along with it comes the concept of really listening. And therein lies the ah..ha moment. We must slow down and quiet ourselves in order to really listen. To “hear” the words of another’s soul or heart, you have to stop thinking or talking yourself, and if we won’t stop and listen, something will happen to stop us in our tracks and teach us how.
Listening is just that – listening. When God or another person contacts you in your heart or soul, it is the time to listen. Not the time to advise, judge, offer opinions, etc. In my experiences with this, I find myself just repeating back what God or the other person said. Granted, it’s a unique communication, but I guess I’m not crazy after all and it really does happen. A friend and I were talking about it the other night, and she gave it a name. She said I was an empath. Never heard that before, so I looked it up in my iBooks and there is a lot written on it. I feel better about not being crazy, or that “crazy” has a name.
And so, as another day goes by, God is still presenting me with “great and unsearchable things I do not know” (Jeremiah 33:3), and I have written.
September 1st, 2011 We all had a lot of laughs over ME having ADD. (Thank you daughter for the negative diagnosis.) People from yoga enjoyed that too, considering I have such severe focus in class, the teacher often tries to break into it.
So, no ADD, but the warnings to go slow still keep coming. After the one on my way home from yoga today, I truly know God means business. I turned onto my street and braked because an elderly gentleman was ambling slowly across the road. After he passed in front of my car, I caught a glimpse of the words on the back of his T-shirt. It said: What’s the rush? Now, if, on top of all the other “slow down” messages from the last two days, this one doesn’t nail the coffin shut, I don’t what else would.
Today’s message in yoga did provide some clarity to all these messages beckoning me to take things slowly. The instructor said, “Change and new possibilities are in the air with the change of the season.” The affirmation was: “As I love and approve of myself and others, my life will get better and better.” Suddenly all the troubles I’ve had this week in class began to make sense. The change in season signifies changes in both body and mind. Poses I flew through all summer are giving me trouble. I’m wobbling and falling out, and yesterday had to take that knee. Things are moving and shifting in my body causing things that used to be easy, to become difficult. This shows me how our minds, bodies, and lives change with the change of season.
As I paint in the gorgeous afternoon weather, I feel change and movement all around me. I have a sense of something changing in my life and I am supposed to “take it slow” and not push ahead like I usually do. I feel a real need to “let go and let God” and just keep painting my house. Just be quiet and paint. That’s the message I’m getting this week. Even if the change in my life is small, at least my house will get painted, I’ll get a lot of great exercise and fresh air, and I certainly will sleep well. What I do know though, is, I cannot ignore those warnings.
And so, as another day goes by, September 1 is a day to stop and be aware of changes in the offing, and….I have written.
August 31st, 2011 ….or God thinks so anyway. First video I saw this morning – new one by Lady Antebellum – dealing with moving slowly in a relationship.
Yoga – teacher today was Dan. A delightful boy with a gentle voice and clear dialogue – but delivers it ever so slowly….adding excruciating seconds to each posture. A few seconds doesn’t seem like much, but after 52 postures it’s an eternity. It was getting hard and I had to take a knee. After that I decided to move slowly and find the stillness in each pose. It worked and the rest of the class was good. I was completely spent after the standing postures. As I lay for the two minute rest, I suddenly couldn’t see the “cross” I look up at everyday in the ceiling plaster. I actually panicked. I immediately stilled myself and realized there was sweat in my eyes and if I just gave it a moment to clear, the cross would reappear.
At that moment it struck me how angry and afraid I get when I can’t feel God near. But just like the cross on the ceiling, if I relax, slow down, and not give into the panic, He will reappear. Just like the cross in the plaster, He is there even when I cannot feel Him near.
This afternoon, on my soap, more about a couple wanting to go slow with their relationship. After that, as I resumed my painting, I felt the need to not hurry and go slow. After two days of being hit over the head with the “go slow” message coming at me from all angles, I think I’ve got it.
And so, as another day goes by, I’ll take whatever must be coming down the road, slow, steady, and easy, and …I have written.
August 30th, 2011 This morning, while going through my prayer list, I paused to pray for a friend who really wants to do something, but is afraid. I started to pray for God to give her the courage to do it, but instead was lead to pray for her to slow down and not rush it.
Then, in yoga the focus of the teaching was on really taking the full 20 seconds of rest between each floor posture to let the benefits of the pose filter through the body and energize for the next posture. I have always said this has been a hard part of the practice for me. After not even 5 seconds into the rest period (savasana), I want to jump up into the sit-up and get right to the next pose. Today I really made it a point to relax into the floor and really feel the benefit of the pose I just worked so hard on, take hold. Again, the message of slowing down was brought forth in my day.
This afternoon the weather was absolutely gorgeous. It was the perfect painting day. I bought my gallon of outdoor paint for my house trim in July and have been waiting for this day ever since. You can’t paint in the spring because it’s too wet and too cold. You can’t paint in the summer because it’s too humid and too hot. But ahhh…the very beginning of fall brings “painting weather”. I sat eating my lunch making my painting plan. First I’d set about collecting my paint, ladder, etc. and get it all set up. Then I would set my goal for the day – half way down the back of the house. The job seemed small and easily manageable. Until I started. When I began at one end of the house and looked down to the other, I sped up my brush strokes. Starting to paint feverishly, I suddenly realized it was still August. I had two months of good painting weather left. I slowed down, painted each foot long section with great control, and by 5pm reached my goal, with 2 coats on exactly half the house. I learned when faced with a huge job to do, slowing down really provides greater satisfaction and even lends enjoyment to what some would call real work. Once again today – the message was “go slow – no need to hurry it”.
This evening I dragged out an old ab exercise book I loved a few years ago and really miss the routine of those particular exercises. I decided to add them to my afternoon exercise routine again, so over dinner I ate and began to re-read the book. You can guess what I found. Major premise of any exercise routine: go slow and master each exercise before pushing it, because if you push it without mastering it, you will just be doing it all wrong and not receiving the benefits and/or risk injury. As soon as the technique breaks down, the exercise is over. Again – slow is better.
I can’t help but feel God has a message here for something coming up in my life, so I wanted to record today’s phenomenon in my blog. Maybe each day is a journey to be savored, enjoyed, and learned from and the object isn’t to get it over with? After all, just where are we going? Is there a prize for ending a certain number of days? Not that I know of anyway. The day of “Ah, I’ve reached my goal, I’ve done it all, now I can rest” doesn’t exist. If it did, what would you do? Just sit down in a chair day after day from then on and look at what you have done?
And so, as another day goes by, though I was beckoned to slow down, I really accomplished a lot, and ….I have written.
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