Inventory week is plugging right along, bringing up things new and old everyday.
Today’s lesson:
“What did you do today? What did you like about what you did? What didn’t you like that tomorrow you’d like to do better? SEE! Answering those questions wasn’t that hard. The way we need to inventory ourselves is fearlessly, not brutally.
Inventory Focus:
Are you willing to be as honest
with yourself as you can?”
For me, the words “fearlessly, not brutally” jumped out and hit home. Almost ten months later I was still afraid to state to myself what happened. Then I found myself voicing it to a friend. After I did, I sat up, took notice and accepted that’s exactly what happened. Sort of like AA. “Hi, my name is Linda. I repressed grieving for the loss of my mom. I had a breakdown 6 months later, and plunged into shock and depression. This blog is the story of my fight out of the darkness.”
I didn’t like admitting I had a break down. To me, it meant weakness, loss of control over myself I should’ve had. Also, facing the fact that the woman I talked to everyday for 57 years was gone, and this mattered to me, was deathly scary. Easier to pretend it didn’t matter and I was fine. Again I hear Dr. Phil ringing in my ears, “Soooo…how’s that workin’ for ya?” Obviously, not very well.
Finally admitting that took courage, but brought peace. It happened. I couldn’t prevent it. Other people got hurt in the process of my thrashing around. I beat myself up for that for a long time. Time for the brutality to stop. It’s done. It’s over. Getting up the courage to admit it, spending time in the silence absorbing it and healing from it, brings the peace this journey was seeking for months.
More than a year ago, a friend made me three rocks. Over the past year I placed them here and there all over my serenity room. Once I even used one in this blog. Today, as I walked past the shelf they are on, the arrangement spoke a truth pictured in the photo below.
And so, as another day goes by, such is life on the downside of the beach path – progress with every step by careful step, and…I have written.
This picture contains a thousand words…
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