Yesterday I had a few wavering moments, falling back into old issues I had dealt with last winter and spring. Luckily I had a good friend, with a listening ear. I was telling her that it was another October gauntlet flung in my path and once again I had to draw on my values, pick from them, and apply. I also said I was glad October is almost over – I can’t wait to see what God has in store for November.
Well, November’s challenge was revealed to me in less than 24 hours of that conversation. October was all about recognizing each gauntlet and doing something about it – handling it within the realm of all I have learned this year. November is going to be just the opposite. After my conversation with my friend last night one word kept cropping up in a lot of places: LISTEN. This morning I read a story about red hook fish, very skittish creatures, that retreat to the corner of the tank with every passing shadow. One fish in particular would get so spooked that it would actually jump out of the tank and land on the carpet, only to have to be rescued by its owner time after time. The fish never learns to retreat with the rest of the school when fear strikes.
I, too, always end up on the carpet when fear and panic strike. I always have to DO something. I have to think, talk, write, call, text, pray frantically, cry, ..and the list goes on. The one thing I never tried was to just listen. I was so busy DOING something that I missed what God and others were saying to me. If I had spent more time listening and less time doing, this past year might have been a a lot easier.
While driving down 6A this morning clarity just struck – much in the same way the windshield wipers cleared the vision of the road in front of me. Finally, with the blinders off, I reviewed some instances in the past where, had I stayed close to God where used to live, I would never have reacted such as I did in those circumstances. Now, to move forward into 2012, in addition to carrying on with my new values, I must learn to stop, look, and just LISTEN.
Every conversation with God this morning went something like this:
Me: Hey God, what should I do about …
God: Listen
Me: But God, how will I know what to…
God: Listen.
Me: Hey wait..you mean no doing, thinking, talking, or writing?
God: Listen
Me: But what about praying?
God: Listen.
What??? How am I supposed to get through my day without praying? Doesn’t God realize that’s my time to tell Him what He should do? Precisely. That is exactly what He knows. He made it pretty clear that in November there will be no more “please God this and please God that”. I have done enough damage by not doing enough listening. This month I must learn to just sit with God and people. I must learn to hear what needs to be heard with both my ears and my heart.
I started this morning at my women’s bible study group. At prayer time, I just listened and didn’t pray. Amazing the things I heard that I never heard before. At discussion time, I refrained from talking. I just focused and listened to what others said. Again, amazed at what I actually heard. Driving home, I kept saying Hey God, about ….and immediately all I got back was: Listen.
The challenge for November couldn’t be more clear. And I’m not happy about it. But then again there hasn’t been much about this journey over the last ten months that I’ve been happy about. I just know it was necessary, and oddly, as a result, I am a happier person. A profoundly changed person. So, if the next piece of me to be changed is learning to listen, let’s get on with it. It’s time for my daily walk. I think it will be a vastly different walk down a very same road.
And so, as another day goes by, somehow I think November is going to require more of me than the gauntlets of October ever did, and….I have written.
Yes. Your post reminded me of what Anne LeClaire is saying in her book about silence…. I think I’ll reread that book.