In this time of all the heads of state giving the state of their unions, it’s time for me to reflect on the state of the union of my mind, body, and spirit.
January 2011 – Time to go back to last year’s list of resolutions and tell myself how I did. My first resolution was to spend less. That I did. I only buy food and gas regularly, gifts, when necessary, and go shopping for things for the house only when I’m doing a room. Mmm…good…check.
My second one was no alcohol on weeknights. I can’t believe that last year I even had a need to say that. I’m happy to say, one year later, as a result of the Bikram yoga, my craving for both alcohol and coffee have all but disappeared. I’ll have an occasional afternoon coffee with a friend, and alcohol only in a social situation. I do remember last year having that nightly glass of wine and wanting to kick that habit knowing it was like drinking a nightly glass of sugar, but it was hard to leave an open bottle on the counter or in the frig and not touch it. Now, one year later, it can sit there for 2 weeks and I end up pouring it out. So….again, good..check.
Three and four were to attend butt/gut class and hang upside down on a pole. The butt/gut one representing a need to be more consistent in my form of exercise, and the pole thing represents trying new forms of exercise. I’m happy to report to myself that listening to my daughters and getting into the Bikram yoga soundly accomplished both. I have attended class religiously for 16 weeks now, and it has changed my life profoundly over the course of a very tough year. Thank you my dear, dear, daughters for saving your mother’s life. Good….again, check.
Number five was to begin to write something. I remember being very frustrated with myself, feeling the need to write, but not having the confidence to overcome the “What if it isn’t good enough?” thorn. I was also exasperated with myself because the year before I convinced myself I needed a room to write in and when I finished that, I’d begin writing. (I finished the room in ’09 and there it was 2010 and still not a word was written.) Again, I’m happy to report ta..daa…here I am..writing! And doing it daily to boot! Along about the time I started the yoga, I started this blog for the purpose of not letting a day go by without writing something, even if it was only one sentence. I’m proud to say I haven’t missed a day. Also, this blog has helped overcome the confidence blocker. Pushing that button to publish my writing on Facebook was a major hurdle for me, but I knew I had to be brave and put it out there for all to see. (My first published post left me in a hot/cold sweat after pressing the publish key, and I only did so by convincing myself that no one is going read it, no one is going to care, and no one is even going to notice it.) I had to come to believe that I’m not writing for a particular audience and it doesn’t matter what I say. I’m writing for me to explore where I am as a writer. Instead of the fear I expected, I have found great freedom in this. For one of the few times, in anything I’ve ever done in my life, I don’t care what others think of my work. ( I learned from Anne LeClaire, an author I admire, that all writers need to develop a “lizard skin”, so I am slowly turning a leathery dark shade of green.)
I was pleasantly surprised to learn I actually have some readers that read my posts regularly and write to me. Needless to say, those of you who are my “fanbase” have been a great source of encouragement and a major force in instilling further confidence in myself. Thank you for following my trek through the muck of a beginning writer’s life. I appreciate you to no end. And..again, good….check.
Ahh…number six…the last is always the hardest. The first five resolutions were very concrete and it was easy to say either I did it or I didn’t. Being the overly sensitive and complex person I am, I couldn’t just leave it at that. I HAD to include an exercise for my mind, heart and soul and, of course, I’d make it a real challenge by choosing something that goes against my very nature and try to change it. I decided to “live and let live and don’t force things”. I bought the “Angel of Peace” necklace and wore it as a touchstone religiously. This being, because it said on the card, the only people the angel of peace cannot help are those that go around always trying to fix things and make things happen. I knew I was in over my head from the get-go. I’m a “fixer” by the very nature of my being. I want everyone in my world happy. When one of my loved ones is experiencing a rough patch, I feel it’s my duty to do everything I can to fix it. I hate, absolutely hate, fighting, estrangement, and discord of any kind in my world and will keep relentlessly trying to set it right again. What I found was, this really pisses people off. What may be good intentions on my part, is really robbing people of going through their own struggles that they need to experience to change and grow themselves and I, with my “fixing” end up impeding that process. They get mad and I get hurt.
Two wonderful people in my life have given me crutches to help me on my journey to leave people alone. A very good friend of mine of over thirty years came to visit me this summer. When she left, I found a hand written note on my fridge. It said:
“Sometimes God will calm the storm, but sometimes God will let the storm rage and calm his child.”
And just the other night, a writer friend of mine said, “When someone is in trouble, don’t ask God to take away their trouble because it may be something God needs for them to go through. Instead, just pray that God go and be with them.”
So….how’s this workin’ out for me? Along about September I thought I had it down and removed the angel from it’s worn leather cord and changed my necklace. Let’s just suffice to say, now, in January of 2011, I retrieved the angel, put her on a silver chain, and resigned myself to wearing her until probably this time next year. Usually I’m a quick study, but God and the angel have their work cut out for them in 2011.
And so, as another day goes by, the state of me is bittersweet, but I’m not a quitter, and…I find great joy in saying…I have written.
It really is genuine that do not determine what we now have got until we reduce it, however , it’s also true that and we don’t determine what we now have been lacking until eventually it comes.