As horrible and painful the first six months of this journey were, it definitely happened for a reason. We all move through the decades of our lives between the twenties and the sixties by going through cycles, much as the seasons do. Usually at the end of each decade something happens in our lives to break us down and build us back up anew, ready for the next one. I cried and kicked and screamed my way through each one, only to realize how necessary it was to be able to handle the next ten years.
The one at the end of my twenties taught me to put the school girl away, realize love wasn’t a game, and make some definitive decisions to prepare for motherhood. The one at the end of my thirties shredded my heart and drilled into me the stamina needed to bring up these two kids. The one at the end of my forties was the most gentle, and, at times, even fun. This one pointed to colonoscopies, bone scans, eating right, exercise and all the things I would need to like myself as I began to show signs of aging and to teach me the “how to” of aging gracefully that I would need to carry me through my fifties.
The one now, this journey, at the end of my fifties, was the hardest of them all. The mortar and pestle pummeled me back to mere dust. There was literally nothing left of me. At times, I thought it was over – that I couldn’t be rebuilt from mere dust. I now understand why it was so hard. It was the breakdown that prepared me for death and loss. In my next decade I will have father, spousal, sibling, and child issues to face. I will have to be a centered woman, anchored in God, to face my sixties. My dad will probably leave me and grandchildren may appear on the horizon and I have to be able to meet these challenges in order to enjoy the blessings of this era of my life. This breakdown has taught me not to place my fate or faith in things and people, but stay focused on my maker, for only He knows the unknown the next decade will bring.
I do hope God will tread gently at the end of my sixties, but somehow I get the feeling that as the body weakens, the soul strengthens – and that is never an easy process.
And so, as another day goes by, Ecclesiastes 3:1 says “There is a right time for everything”, even this journey of mine, and…I have written.
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