My Xmas spirit this year is exactly like a tube of toothpaste at it's end. You roll it up, twist it, squeeze and push it until you extract that last amount of paste on your brush. I've squeezed and twisted and rolled and finally eked out enough Xmas spirit to venture out to the mall today to complete my shopping.
This has been such a year of loss for so many close to me. Loss of babies, loved ones, jobs, homes, relationships…the list goes on. I find myself saying have a quiet Xmas – I understand your pain. Everyone is handling their loss in different ways. Some go on as if it never happened and don't mention it very much. Others need to talk it through and rework it til it makes sense. Either way, loss is painful and it takes a toll. One's life is forever changed by the void. It's neither better or worse – it's just different, and will be forever.
Today I woke up not having my shopping done, not a clue what I was going to get anyone, not wanting to go over and visit my dad, and Xmas eve is tomorrow. Tonight I am sitting here after a great day. I suddenly knew the perfect gift for everyone, the mall wasn't crowded and parking was easy, and I found everything within the budget I had set. I arrived home in record time, happy and satisfied. Then I went to visit my dad. Started out awkward at first. We actually talked about the weather. Then he mentioned he was having computer problems. This kicked off an enjoyable three hours of fixing his Internet, setting up his Netflix, putting his email in his iPhone, logging into his online banking, and for the fun of it, showing him google. I left happy and feeling totally connected to my dad again. The house was spotless, he was in excellent spirits, and best of all there was no sign of smoking in the house. He even showed me his C Pap sleep apnea machine.
I could feel my Xmas spirit spike a bit tonight. Today was a day I approached with fear and anxiety caused by the loss of my mom. I just couldn't wrap my head around Xmas this week. I spent most of last night jumping up and down screaming "Mommy, I don't want to go!". Fortunately I have a friend who understands this behavior. Once it's out, I can think rationally. I got up, showered, dressed nicer than I have in days, and left the house by myself for a manicure and the mall. I just wanted to lose myself for a bit, and do what I needed to do. Suddenly it wasn't so bad. I felt a tiny green sprout begin to grow in my heart. Yes, it's different this year, but for the first time since mom's passing, I know I'm going to be ok – and so will everyone else.
And so, as another day goes by, I learn you can't experience gain without first experiencing loss, and….I have written.
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